A Rogue's Journal
by shortlived
Summary: The Rambling of events as seen through Rogue's eyes. Scott and Rogue. Probably different from what you're expecting. Complete.
1. Sunday, March 14 2010

_These are the Journal's of Rogue, sometimes know as Marie.  
As most journals go, there will probably be many stray thoughts and probably an incoherent or even nonsensical thing or two..._

**Journal 3/14/2010**

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been, well off lately. I find myself more and more realizing how much I don't know about life even after all the people I have absorbed.

Logan  
Erik  
Bobby  
John

Those were just some of the first. But I am sure I have written about them many a time so I am continuing...

Logan and Ororo are a couple. Yes I wrote what I wrote. And don't think that I took it well.

The minute I found out, I rushed up into my room, locked the door, jumped into bed, got into the fetal position and didn't stop crying until the tears ran out. I didn't go down for dinner, nor did I go to breakfast the next morning.

Logan and Ororo. I didn't know they liked each other let alone wanted to be with one another.

So _poor_ little pathetic Rogue.

Rogue that _is_ my name. And I feel it more and more as if it is becoming a bigger part of me.

Also Bobby and I are no more. Bet you saw that coming. Especially the way Kitty has been looking at him. And the way he looks back at her. I saw it coming a mile away. And broke up with him, not allowing him to argue his way out of it.

"I love you Marie, we can work through this!" He yelled after my retreating form when I had enough of our arguing over the matter.

But I didn't want to work it out. He wanted Kitty? Fine! Let him have Kitty. He wants to touch her. Let him touch her. I don't blame him though. Not even that angry about it.

Maybe I should be.

Bobby didn't waste anytime hooking up with Kitty, although he still looks at me quite forlornly as if he doesn't understand me. But why should he? I don't understand myself. And strangely I do believe he still loves me. But obviously his love isn't strong enough to endure all the problems being with me entails.

Why does it have to be such a touchy feely world these days?

Should have been born in the 1800's or something, then at least I would have been covered up without looking ridiculous, and would have had more of a chance of being loved without all the physical contact that everybody requires nowadays.

Sometimes I want to scream, especially lately.

Ororo and Logan! I know it hurts just to type their names together.

I decided right away that I wouldn't avoid them, that I would meet them both head on and deal with it. But that was easier said than done. And it pains me so. Logan doesn't talk to me anymore like he used to, and I don't feel a connection to him like I did when I first met him.

Maybe my eyes are opening up.

I always thought things would end up like a fairy tale fantasy... where he would start seeing me more clearly, more with passion and love and...

I know silly me.

All I could hope for now is being third best after Jean and Ororo. And I find I don't want that.

I want more.

I deserve more.

Don't I?


	2. Wednesday, March 17 2010

**Journal 3/17 1:57 am**

Its these past weeks like I have had, that when drawn upon reflection make me overly glad that I have my own room. If I was still sharing with Jubilee and Kitty I would have gone absolutely and totally insane.

Yes, I am doing better lately. I still hurt, but not physically like I was at first, where I was allowing my emotions to overrun so that it actually gave me.. headaches, stomach aches etc.

But that is over with now. OK, that is partly A lie, but writing it down here, doesn't that make it a little true?

Logan ate breakfast with me today. It was pleasant enough. Logan was uncomfortable though. Quite an interesting thing to witness.. The Wolverine being nervous. He was shifting around in his seat playing with his eggs. Having a difficult time making eye contact with me.

He had been ignoring me lately, although I know it wasn't on purpose. Too busy being with Ororo. There is a part of me that wants to hate him, but the part that still remembers what he did for me makes me suffer even more.

"How y'been kid?" Was the start of the conversation.

Let's see, I wanted to say, you broke my heart, Bobby's left me for Kitty, I feel like I have no friends and I want to strangle Ororo, even if she has only ever been kind to me. But instead I focused my attention on the clock over head.

Tick tock tick.

"Fine." was my only reply. And all he was going to get out of me.

His words became softer with his next question, and that in itself put me on alert.

"Sorry to hear about you and the icicle."

"Are y'Logan?"

"Yes, although he was too much of a pansy for you."

"Maybe I like pansies."

He looked me straight in the eyes at that comment, and I saw he was amused. Well let him be.

"How are you and Ororo doing?" I asked causing him to choke on the sausage he had been chewing on. I guess he didn't expect me do be inquiring after that, nor asking how he was by asking how they were.

"Fine."

And so our conversation continued. Let me tell you it didn't get any more thrilling than it had started out. He didn't even notice that I could hardly eat anything, usually he would have, and then he would have shoved some of his eggs or food onto my plate and sat there till I ate it all up.

But he didn't notice. Yes, I know I typed that twice.

After breakfast I helped Xavier grade some papers for his literature course and then after making myself a lunch (since I didn't want to get fast food- trying to eat a little healthier) I went for a drive.

I didn't stop until it became dark. It was nice, being alone. I have always been one who was OK by herself. For the most part.

When I arrived back home, most the lights were out, I realized after looking at my watch that it was after one in the morning. Time sure flies when you can't stop thinking and driving. Oh well. Letting myself in and parking the car in the garage I went to the kitchen got a gala apple and after sitting down on the lower step of the staircase leading up to my room, I proceeded to eat it. It was nice and quite, and dark. I always preferred the dark.

"Rogue?" I heard behind me.

It was Scott. He had a bathrobe on, striped pajamas and a look that was confusing to read. I don't really interact with Scott much. Never really have, except for some danger room/ training session and he used to be one of my teachers before I graduated. But I like him. He is always nice to me, even when he is going through so things on his own. He sat down beside me, not saying anything else.

I asked him what he was doing up so late... He told me he couldn't sleep. Before I even knew what I was saying I offered to make him some warm milk. He actually agreed but not before giving me a bemused look. Probably because I was mothering him. Something I never really do. But I felt for him.

So we headed back to the kitchen, I didn't even bother turning the lights on. I could see well enough in the dark. There was also strips of moonlight coming through the kitchen window. I made him some warm milk, myself some hot cocoa and we sat at the kitchen table and talked. It was nice.

I never really realized how observant Scott was, he seemed to know everything I was going through, and had a way of bringing it up without being to obvious. It was the first time since Logan that I poured myself out. And I told Scott how I was feeling.

"Confused, angry, bitter.. maybe even thoughts of death." I told him at one point. I waited for the lecture to start about suicide and about how wrong it was for one to think such thoughts. But it never came. I think he understands me. I never thought anyone could.

After cleaning up the kitchen which didn't take long, he led me up to my room, gave me a hug that nearly made me jump out of my skin, and offered me some parting words.

"You ever need anyone to talk to Rogue, I'm here for you."

Here for me? Me?

I told him thanks, he went back to his room, and now here I am finishing up writing about my day. Not as tired as I should be after being up so long.

Most of my thoughts were on Scott.

The Scott who had become withdrawn since Jean, the one who spent all his time on his classes and working out in the garage. Never really talking to anyone except for the Professor. Who was still struggling with the loss of the love of his life. Still dealing with so many issues himself.

And he offered a branch of friendship to me. I think I want to take him up on it. I could use a friend. Even if I don't want any. Even if I shouldn't since my friendships don't always turn out so well. But I am going to give that another chance. I guess I don't have to be alone.

And Maybe I don't need to be.


	3. Friday, March 19 2010

3/19 9:30 PM

Just got back from a mission.

Since there are no resident telepaths around I am the next best thing I guess. Every time before I do something like this the Professor always takes me aside.

"You don't have to do this Rogue."

He's right I probably don't, they could get the info they need another way if they had to, but I know it makes it so much easier for them when I help. Maybe that is my pride talking, but I think it is good to have pride in something. Healthy even.

Did I mention that Kitty broke her leg? I don't think I did. Well she did. She's down in the infirmary now. The new doctor that arrived about a month after Jean died (over a year ago) is helping her.

Actually feel kinda sorry for her. She looked like she was in a lot of pain. It happened from a danger room session. From what I hear from the scattered conversations her and Bobby took the safeties off and did it at the highest level.

They are lucky they are alive.

I should know, I have done it myself before. People think I am helpless, my power almost useless when it comes to fighting except for making people pass out if I hold on long enough. (although I think it causes me worse pain)

But I am not dumb enough to turn the safeties off!

Where was I? Oh yeah.. me helpless... yeah right.

I do know how to fight, it started with Logan showing me some dirty moves if I was ever in deep, and that led me to wanting to know more and more. Its almost an obsession, me wanting to know. Me needing to know. I am sick of being left out of things because people don't think I can take care of myself.

The mansion does have a martial arts instructor, he has been tutoring me on my own for quite a while now, nobody knows except for the Professor and of course Doctor Mccoy... Have sprained my ankle and bruised myself more often then not. But that is how you learn.

That has been going on for about six months now. Me learning. I absolutely love it. Never worked so hard at anything before in my life. I've noticed that it has toned my muscles, and I have more agility and endurance. But I still have a way to go before I feel confidant enough in my abilities.

Xing Lee my teacher said that I am a natural, and that means a lot to me. He doesn't give praise very often. He's a very serious guy, although he is not much older than me. But he is very talented, and although not "gifted" like the rest of us the way he fights would make you think he has a power all his own. Believe it or not he trained with some Shaolin monks in China, is Chinese himself and speaks fluent Mandarin, besides his perfect English.

Most of the girls at the mansion are quite agawg about him, especially Jubilee who can't seem to stop talking about him. But I have talked about him before. He is a very quiet man. And he has a way of looking at me that makes me think he is looking into my very soul...

I know I am always saying I am alone. I guess I do have people that look after me and help me out. It's just...

I don't know.

One thing I haven't mentioned... I walked in on Ororo and Logan. They were just kissing, (Thank GOD for that) or at least starting to until Logan noticed me. It was the first time since they became a couple that I was able to get through that situation as if it didn't bother me.

Didn't depress me beyond all comparison.

And I just continued what I was doing ( it was in the Library and I wanted to find something different besides the mysteries or Science fiction novels that I normally read) Picked out a book, although I took my time even though I knew both of the were watching me. I then turned around, gave them the most endearing smile I could muster and walked out.

It was almost funny the way Logan looked at me on the way out. Don't ask my why.

Another thing that happened yesterday.. a new kid arrived. I know not something out of the ordinary. It just this boys powers- the ability to turn off mutant powers, well, to say the least makes my wonder, think way too much about what could be, what if, and what it would feel like first hand. But it's not like I have anyone to touch even if I wanted to.

So I haven't been thinking about it as much once I reminded myself of that.

Well, I want to watch some movies before going to bed. So that is all for today.

As Piotr would say dosvidanya.


	4. Saturday, March 20 2010

_3/20 3.27 PM_

Today has been a boring day.

Although it has been a nice one.

The mansion is nearly empty.. Ororo took most of the students on a field trip, Logan went with her. (Don't ask me how Ororo talked him into that)

Usually Ororo would have asked me to go along, but this time she didn't. Fine with me. I guess some good things have come out of her and Logan being together.

Field trips have never been on my list of favorite things to do. At least I am not a student anymore, or else I would have had to go.

Bobby went, although Kitty had to stay home due to her leg. The Professor went along as well.

I know Scott is around here somewhere, probably working on the security system like he always does when the house is nearly empty, testing some of the functions, or upgrading the key components.

8:57

I know I keep this journal to keep my head on my shoulders and my emotions clear.

It makes me feel as if I am the only person in the world, and that maybe what I think, do, say is important.

When the kids arrived back from the field trip I have been surfing the Internet wirelessly on my notebook, all by myself in the front room.  
Enjoying the rare solitude, that never happens here in the mansion except late at night when most everyone is asleep.

The kids were so rowdy and loud that I was starting to get frustrated, and on the verge of becoming very rude if not violent especially when a girl nearly spilled some soda on me... so I closed up my computer and headed up to my room, better that then venting my sudden anger. I need to work on controlling that anyway...

I was upstairs unlocking my door when I noticed something not quite right.

Turing around I saw that Jean's bedroom door was open. Or I should say Jean and Scott's old room. He had moved out more than a year ago, up a level on the third floor.. and as far as I know that door has been locked for some time, since he couldn't seem to deal with going there or messing with _their_ things.

Maybe I should have just continued going into my room and ignored what I saw, but I have always been a curious person, and when I set myself in motion to do something I can't stop me.

So I put my computer in my room.. and went down the hallway...

And there was Scott. Of course I should have known he would have a key, and that it would be him, nobody else would dare to tread there...

He was sitting on the bed staring at a photograph that was in his hands. His expression was one of such despair. It reminded me for a second that I wasn't the only one dealing with things, the only one with problems. I also felt guilty for seeing him like that and tried to turn around and head back to my room, except he noticed me.

"Rogue?"

I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face him.

"I'm sorry." I said "I just haven't seen this door open since Jean... "

"Died?"

"Yeah." I hung my head down low, feeling as if I was somewhere I shouldn't be, especially after I noticed that there where boxes on the floor. He had been packing her things away.

"I just thought it was time I cleared this room out." his words were so soft and sounded so tired... so sad.

"I'll leave y'alone, didn't mean to disturb you."

He put the picture down on the table, and then looked at me, as if he was just becoming aware of me.

"Would you like to help me?" He looked around the room and then back at me waiting for an answer. He seemed almost desperate.

I didn't know what to say. People don't normally ask me for help. Especially not in something that was as personal as that was.

But I couldn't refuse him, and I didn't want to.

So I helped him pack old pictures away, and I cleared out the bathroom for him, that had her old brush and toothbrush and other personal items.

He didn't want to go in there, so I did that all myself. By the time I was done he had cleared out a closet and was starting on some drawers.

There was still a ways to go.

It was then that I noticed the time when I was looking at a antique clock with roses on it that Scott was in the process of putting away.

"Oh, no!"

"What is it?" He was more composed then I found him earlier, more like the Scott I knew.. or was used to seeing.

"I'm supposed t'go out with Jubilee tonight, she says I don't get out enough."

He seemed a little disappointed at that, after placing the clock in a box carefully he looked up at me.

"Well you should go Rogue, I think we have done enough for today anyway."

"I don't have to go." I told him, although, and don't let this get around... I was looking forward to it. Even with rambunctious Jubilee. Who isn't exactly my friend, but.. well...

He ran a hand through his brownish hair and gave me a soft smile.

"Maybe you don't but you should, you're too young not to have fun."

"OK, then.. I'll see you later." I told him quietly, after picking up some cards that had fallen off the now very cluttered with stuff bed. I handed them to him and started to leave.

"Rogue?"

"Yeah?" I turned around to look at him.

"Thanks." He gave me a real smile then and it made me feel good. Better than I have in a while...

Well have to go for now, Jubilee just arrived and she hasn't even been here for three seconds and she is already impatient.

Write more later... if I make it back alive that is.


	5. Sunday, March 21 2010

**3 AM**

I'm back.

My eyes are hazy, I'm tired and I feel a little out of sorts. But I actually had fun. I think Jubilee toned down what she normally does when she goes out, probably worried she might make me never want to leave the house again. I also think I like Jubilee, she takes a little getting used to, her moods so, well cheerful and uplifting that sometimes you can't help but roll your eyes and wonder what kind of drugs she is on.

We went ice skating first, Yes Ice skating. I nearly choked myself to death laughing so much when she stopped the car in front of the building. But it felt good, haven't laughed like that in a while.

Entering the building, changing our shoes for some rather worn skates we went on the ice. And yes it reminded of me of Bobby, but that is to be expected. Iceman. Ha. Ha.

We skated, for about an hour and a half. The last time I ice skated was when I was eleven and my mother threw me a birthday party. But it wasn't as crowed today/yesterday as it was back then.

At one point Jubilee slipped and fell, landing on her back she accidentally left out some quite colorful (and actually pretty) sparks from her hands. I've never seen so many people stop in their tracks, all eyes were on us. Although I knew nobody really saw anything.

I squinted my eyes looking up and the high ceiling and exclaimed melodramatically.

"Did y'see that Jubilee? Think this place has some faulty wirin', sparks are falling down on us!"

Helping Jubilee up we decided to leave. We laughed until we got to her car.

Next stop was a diner that Jubilee swore had the best beef barbecue sandwiches she had ever had. She failed to mention to me that they were made with a very hot sauce. One that lit your mouth on fire and made you drink 3 gallons of water just to enjoy it. But she was right they were good. And I do like spicy things every now an again.

After that she wanted to go to a club, but I refused. That's all I needed was to be surrounded by over hormonal people that were looking for too good of a time. One that I will definitely could not provide. Not that I would want to anyway.

She sulked over that for a good twenty minutes, but she got over it when I finally agreed to go to a little cafe that was known for its good coffee (I hate coffee though) live music, and as Jubilee put it "some mighty fine looking men."

Well at that point I was willing since her incessant babbling about how she hadn't been flirted with all day, and she just had to have her dose and so on and so forth yada yada yada.

Seems like we stayed there forever, the place is always open till midnight. Lucky me. But it wasn't so bad. Jubilee ordered the weirdest sounding drink I had ever heard of, Cafe mocha chocolate tapioca twist or some thing like that, I settled for a simple hot cocoa. And we sat. And we talked. Or more like she talked. And I sat.

We weren't there more than twenty minutes when two guys who introduced themselves as Mike and Josh asked if they could join us. I tried to protest, but Jubilee overruled me and the two sat down.

They were going to a college near by, needed a caffeine fix, and boy what two beautiful girls we were, and how are we enjoying our drinks?

It was mainly Mike and Jubilee who did all the talking, the other guy Josh was very quiet. He would look at me every once and a while and when I caught his eyes he would smile at me warmly.

He was good looking. Very much so, and the way his eyes would look into mine did make my heart beat a little faster. He had brown spiked hair, the greenest eyes I had ever seen, and although he was at the moment wearing a leather coat over his clothes I could tell that he was someone who took care of himself physically.

Mike on the other hand, had blond hair, blue eyes, very tan skin and had a perfect smile that showed off his even more perfect teeth. He was heavier than his friend, probably a weight lifter, later on I think I heard he played football or something?

For once I wasn't really uncomfortable, even when Jubilee and Mike got up to dance (of course there was nowhere to really dance, but that didn't stop the two) and left me alone with Josh.

He was still very reserved, although I don't think it was out of shyness. He seemed as if he was analyzing me, trying to figure out what kind of person I was.

"Your friend is very lively." he finally said. Lively? I guess that was one to describe Jubilee.

I sipped on my hot cocoa, which really wasn't hot anymore, but at least that gave me something to do, without having to feel awkward.

"I guess that is one way of puttin' it."

"Nice gloves." he said while looking pointedly at my hands.

I think I must have glared at him, or at the very least the small smile on my face disappeared.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked in response to my actions. Josh had a very soothing voice. He would make a good psychiatrist.

Of course he hadn't said anything wrong, I guess I just felt suddenly a little self conscious of the way I was dressed. I mean Jubilee had a Yellow halter top on, low riding jeans, a sparkly little jacket on that wasn't much of a jacket at all, and what was I wearing?

Black pants, an olive green tank top, with a sheer long sleeve shirt over it along with some short black leather gloves.

Totally covered. Bet the guy had never seen so little skin on a girl before. 'Specially not in this day and age.

"No, I'm sorry.. I just... I don't know.." I said, he seemed to be hanging on every word I said, his gaze on me so intense. His focus on me quite acute.

I think I like that kind of attention.

Jubilee and Mike came back, we... I should say they spent the next 45 minutes talking. Josh and I did exchange a few words here and there but it wasn't about anything of consequence. So after that, the two exchanged phone numbers while I started busying myself getting out money to pay for the bill. But I didn't need to bother since Josh ended up grabbing it, adding it to his and Mike's bill and laying down cash for both on the table.

Jubilee told him what a sweety he was for doing that, gave Mike a very wide smile and a wink, (although she might of had something in her eye) then indicated to me that we could leave.

I could feel their eyes on us as we walked out. I know Jubilee enjoyed that as she put a little more bounce into her movements as we made our way to the exit.

We headed home after that, but Jubilee was still running on that 3 cups of coffee she had drunk, and wasn't quite ready to go in.

So what did we do?

We played baseball. It was the middle of the night, people were sleeping and there we were running around like two crazed people trying to catch and throw balls. I felt like a kid again. A stupid kid, but a kid who was having fun.

We both finally got tired of it and making our way over to the porch we laid back and looked up at the stars.

"You sorry you came with me tonight?" Jubilee poked me in the leg as she asked.

"No, I had fun for the most part.. Thanks."

"No problemo girl, that's what I am here for to spread the joy that is Jubilee."

She sat up then and looked at me.

"What did you think of Mike?" she asked in her chirpy tone of voice that is oh so her.

"He nearly blinded me with his smile."

"Yeah he did have nice teeth, and a nice body and a nice.."

"Y'really goin' t'call him?"

"No," She shook her head, gave me a look and then smiled broadly. "But he will definitely call me!"

So we talked for a little more, about nothing in particular, and about more personal things than I wanted to...

Her caffeine wore off at some part in the conversation, her responses were becoming slower and her easy going attitude was becoming dulled out by sleepiness.

I was tired too.

So we made our way inside, drudged up the staircase, and parted when we reached our floor where our rooms where located. Hers was at the front of the hall, mine the very last one.

"Oh wait Rogue!" she came running after me and placed a piece of paper in my hand. "Josh gave this to Mike, who gave this to me and now I am giving it to you."

I took the paper and looked down at it, Josh's name was scrawled on it along with his phone number, and an e-mail address.

"He was really into you."

I frowned at her statement.

"Doesn't really matter if he was."

She looked perplexed over that but then she nodded her head as if she understood.

"Oh it's probably too soon after Bobby for you.."

I was a little taken aback at that. For it wasn't Bobby at all. It would be stupid for my to get involved with someone (especially a person who didn't even know that I was a mutant) and the fact that I can't even touch doesn't help either.. I told her that... I even managed to keep the bitterness out of my words.

"Blah Blah Blah," Jubilee snorted out. "You could tell him if you decided you liked him, and you could touch if you really wanted to."

She left me standing there looking at her departing form.

Touch if I wanted to. Yeah right. She obviously hadn't read the newsletter that came out regarding my mutation. I can't touch not skin to skin anyway, and it's not really the same otherwise.

Crap, I can't believe I wrote so much.

And what should I do with Josh's phone number?

I should probably just throw it away.

Goodnight already.


	6. Thursday, March 25 2010

3/25 4:30 AM

I can't sleep anymore. I had a dream that left me wide awake with the feeling of apprehension and total confusion...

I was walking down a dark hall, I was dressed in all white although my skin was slightly glowing yellow.

I used it's light to guide me, until I ended up on a stage. Then my skin softened until I was totally immersed in darkness.

And then a spotlight came on, shining down on me.

"Rogue, my dear Rogue. What are you doing here?"

I had placed my hand over my eyes, the blare so bright it hurt them. I tried to look up in the direction where the voice was coming from, but it didn't do me any good.

But I knew who was speaking.

Magneto.

Then the light that was upon me started blinking sporadically until it lessened in intensity. I was able to see in front of me. Someone stepped out of the shadows.

Dropping my hand I let out an involuntary gasp.

It was Pyro, once know to me as John. And he was practically right in front of me.

We hadn't been friends, but we hadn't been exactly enemies either.

John was staring at me, his eyes sizing me up. He took a step forward. I took a step back..

That kept happening until I was stopped, two pairs of hands clenching me and stopping me in my tracks.

I looked behind me, Bobby was holding my right my arm, Kitty the other. Both had their X-men uniforms on, although instead of the leather being it's usual black it was blood red.

I tried to get away from them, but their grips were like iron. I had no other option but to face John.

He put his hand out in front of me until it was level with my eyes, and then a ball of fire appeared out of nowhere, it spread all over his body until he was covered in a hot searing flame. He then came closer and closer, I felt the heat so intensely, but strangely their was no accompanying pain. And then he leaned in and even with me struggling managed to kiss me. It was a soft kiss, one that was almost innocent and gentle. So unlike the Pyro I knew.

I expected my mutation to kick in, but it never did.

He opened his eyes after it was over and looked at me curiously. Pyro was no longer covered in flames and I realized that I was no longer being restrained. Kitty and Bobby nowhere to be seen.

"I can control it." he said taking a couple steps back while snapping his fingers and making flashes of fire jump out of nowhere. As if in a demonstration.

"I don't care!" I screamed at him. But I was no longer on a stage, but at my old house, laying in my old bed.

I immediately jumped out of it and ran out of the room, out of the house and outside.

It was dark, I could see the moon up in the sky so clearly that I almost wanted to reach out and touch it.

And then I couldn't move. I was frozen in place.

Someone was approaching me from behind. "He can control it, I can control it," and then I was turned around by some strange force. It was Magneto, Pyro by his side, along with Logan who was releasing and retracting his claws over and over. He gave me a very un-Logan not to mention un-Wolverine grin. Magneto started talking again, I could do nothing but listen. He was know standing right in front of me. I was drawn to the fact that his hands were bare. He smiled at me when he noticed I saw that. "And you can control it to... if you really wanted to..."

And then he placed his hand on my face. This time my power kicked in immediately. Instead of thoughts or memories I was only flooded with pain. Excruciating pain.

And suddenly my hands were uncovered and Logan was holding on to me too, along with Pyro, Kitty and Bobby. And I think Ororo, but at that point things started to get fuzzy.

I didn't know where they came from. I was too busy falling to the ground. Their grip on me didn't loosen. In fact it got tighter.

At that point I closed my eyes.

The pain becoming so intense that I bit down on my tongue and tasted blood in my mouth.

And then it stopped.

I realized at that moment that I had been screaming the whole time. I didn't seem to want to stop.

But then I smelled something. Opening my eyes I saw that I was now in a field of flowers.

I was now dressed in a spring dress.. you know... the type I admire but will never buy. My hair was pulled back from my face. After standing up I noticed I wasn't in pain anymore.

I was surrounded by a field of sunflowers, they were taller than me. Their yellow petals so bright... so beautiful.

And then I heard a whirring sound above me. The sky darkened and started to move. Toward me.

I comprehended too late what the sound was. And what was headed my way. Bees.

They started to sting me. I tried to swat them away but there were too many, I tried to run, but I was completely and totally surrounded.

I turned around, and screamed and the top of my lungs. Only one word.

"Stop!"

And suddenly the sharp jabs of pain that had been coursing through my body from the torturous bees stopped, along with the sound.

I watched as the bees dropped out of the sky, fell to the ground. Every single one of them.

Looking down at my feet I saw that the grass around me was covered with the insects. Now very dead and unmoving insects.

And then I heard laughter, a very maniacal sound that resonated from all around me.

It was Magneto again. Although I couldn't see him... But I could definitely hear him.

"That a girl."

Were his three words to me.

And then I woke up.

So here I am writing about it, the soft light from my computer the only company I have.

The professor has always encouraged people to keep a dream diary, something about dreams being able to reveal things to us that may be hidden in our subconscious. But that doesn't exactly work for me, I mean especially since I have the habit of dreaming others peoples dreams, ones that don't belong to me and yet are way too familiar for my tastes.

But I think that one was all mine.

Lucky me.

Now that I have gotten it all written down I think I will try to get back to sleep. People would laugh if they knew I was going to pull the covers completely over my body, including my head. Not that I will be hiding.

But maybe it will help keep that creepy feeling out of my body and that strange awareness of my surroundings to settle down back into normalcy.

Don't know if what I just said made any sense.

But that is ok.

Nothing ever does in this world.

Until next time.

ROgueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


	7. Saturday, March 27 2010

**3:30 PM**

Here it is, another weekend. Whoop dee doo. The weekend, the weekday, not really any different to me...

I finally decided to take some online courses, nothing detrimental, just a start in the right direction.

Don't know what I want to do with my life. I do know that I don't want to go to college. That is a definitely not going to happen. Way too many people. Accidental touches, questioning looks. Don't need it.

I have been spending more time with Jubilee lately. Think we are becoming good friends.

She of course is dating that Mike guy now, and she wants me to go on a double date with her and his friend Josh.. You know the one I met briefly at the coffee shop? Well it's not going to happen.

I have received several e-mail's from him (Jubilee finally fessed up to giving it to him, although who else could it have been?) at first I just ignored them but they kept staring at me, and I couldn't seem to delete them, so finally I read them and nearly balked at myself when I found myself clicking on the respond button.

But I finally wrote him back. That was two days ago. We have been writing back and forth since.

I think I am going to stop though. He is starting to say things, he wants me to go out with him, wants to get to know me.

Know me! Hah! To know me is to touch me is to die. Don't ask me where that came from.

Anyway, Logan has been trying to resuscitate our relationship, which kinda embarrasses me because then that means he knows how it effects me, him and Ororo being together, since he is trying to do something about it. Dare I say.. about us?

There is a part of me that wants to beat the crap out of him, part of me that wants to burn him alive, and another part that wants to tear his adamantium skeleton out of his body using magnetic energy that isn't mine. But the part that is really me, wants to work with him, to try to save our friendship.

To remain his friend. Even if that is all I will ever be.

Funny all it took was knowing that him and Ororo were a couple to put a wrinkle in our bond.

About two hours ago I went looking for him, he was going to take me for a drive on his motorcycle and let me drive some too. ( I know I don't have a motorcycle license, but nobody seems to care about such things anymore, and living in a house full of power enabled mutants makes you look at some things differently)

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. So there I was knocking on Logan's door. I couldn't find him in the garage, or the kitchen, so I figured he was in his room getting ready or something..

I started knocking louder when I knew someone was behind me.

Turning around I faced Kitty who had a very smug smile on her face. I knew whatever she was about to say was going to bring some sort of satisfaction to her.

"Logan's gone." she said, her voice artificially friendly. "Him and Ororo went away for the weekend."

Went away! I couldn't believe it. He himself approached me about going for a ride with him and now he wasn't even there?

I remained calm and composed on the outside while my thoughts became agitated. Kitty was staring at me bluntly, waiting for my response. To think I had liked Kitty when I first met her and actually didn't mind being her roommate for over a year.. while at the same time had been annoyed with Jubilee and loathed the idea of sharing anything with her, let alone a living space. Funny how things work out.

I narrowed my eyes at her, and felt anger flash in them.

"I know, just didn't know if he left yet."

She didn't seem to buy that. Nor believe that I knew.

"He left over two hours ago."

I could beat her at this game.

"Yeah, well he didn't tell me when he was goin' t'leave just that he was goin' to."

I decided then that I didn't have to explain anything to her, and I didn't have to talk to her if I didn't want to.

After retreating from Kitty, I went straight to the danger room. Threw off the leather jacket and gloves I have been wearing and started a danger room simulation, one that was Logan's and one he has specifically told me never to do.

Well to hell with that.

Everything changed around me, I was now standing in what looked to be a forest, so many trees, vegetation and bushes all around me. I heard birds chirping above me and when I heard a twig break I new it was about to start.

For the next twenty minutes I let out my anger on soldiers that came out of nowhere and attacked me from all sides... needless to say I became less angry as I let out my frustrations with kicks, jabs, punches and a lot of well placed infuriated screams.

Was just about to kick a gun out of my next artificial enemy's hand when he started to shimmer and then was gone complete.

"What the.." I started but didn't get to finish. Logan's program wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, sure a couple times I thought I would have to quit it do to its rising difficulties, but then I somehow manage to keep persevering.

"What was that Rogue!"

Scott was staring at me bewilderment lining in his features. I am sure if I could have seen through his dark red glasses that his eyes would have been wide.

"Why did you turn off the program?" I also wanted to ask him why he was bursting in unannounced, especially when the room was obviously occupied. And he would know that since whenever anyone ran a danger simulation a light over the door turned red. Red... he could see red couldn't he? I mean it was light? Right?

"You're injured." he was looking at my pants where a huge slash was in them. And my hands that were bruised and bleeding.

"I'm fine!" I snapped at him. I went over the bench and sat down. Scott followed me and without permission started to examine my wounds.

"You need to put antiseptic on these cuts and get them bandaged, I'll take you to the Med lab."

He reached for my hand, I snapped it away. It was un-gloved after all.

"I'm not going to touch you Rogue, I just want to help you."

I looked at him for a second, him leaning in front of me, obviously concerned. I don't like people looking at me that way. As if I am a child that needs her hand held to cross the street. I think he read some of that in my expression.

"I know you can take care of yourself Rogue," he waved his hand behind where I had been fighting "even more so than even I thought.."

I interrupted him, grabbing my gloves and coat I stood up, he stood up as well.

"It's nothin' serious, I can look after it myself." I started walking out the doors.

"Rogue?"

I let out a loud sigh and turned to face him.

"Yes, Mr. Summers?" I said, feeling as if I was back in one of his classes being asked to stay behind after class for one reason or another.

"Scott." He said smiling softly at me.

"Yes, Scott?" I didn't return the smile. I guess I was still angry and agitated.

"You want to tell me what is bothering you?" The way he asked I knew that he knew already.

Crap does the whole mansion know what an imbecile I am when it comes to Logan?

"No." I said leaving Scott and his questions behind me.

Logan just doesn't care for me. Not like he used to. No big deal at all.

Not big deal. NO BIG DEAL.

But it is easier to type than to believe.

So here it is late afternoon and all I want to do is bury myself under my covers and not wake up until the end of time. But I can't.

And for now on, I am going to try to get Logan out of my system, out of my mind and out of my being. He is just the man who has saved my life a couple times. He is just a man.

I don't need him.

I don't want him.

I don't love him.

I think I will go for a drive.

I need a cheeseburger, french fries, and a large strawberry shake. OK, maybe two cheeseburgers.

And afterwards?

Let's just get the food and go from there.

--------------------------------------------------

**2:35 am**

I know I said earlier that I just wanted to sleep, yet here I am still up. At the moment I am outside. The dark is nice.

I avoided most of the residents, I didn't need any pity stares, nor did I need Kitty looking at me self righteously. Might have had to kill her. Could have talked to Jubilee but she was out on a date, and didn't feel the need to call her and drag her down with my problems.

I am fine anyway. And I will be OK.

So Logan neglected me, forgot about our plans and went away on a love romp with Ororo.

Life goes on. Life always goes on.

It's getting colder out here, should have brought my coat.

I do have to say, it is kind of eerie out here, so calm and quiet. But I like it.

So peaceful. So nice. So unlike me, but me.

I come out side during the night by myself sometimes. Sitting on a bench or walking around.

Enjoying the stillness of the moment.

So I guess Scott now knows that I am not quite the weakling everyone takes me for. But I am still not as skilled as I want to be. But I did survive one of Logan's danger room sessions (although Scott did interrupt it just when the difficulties started to increase to the point where I would have had to end it myself shortly). But I lasted twenty minutes! That has to mean something right? Hope it wasn't just my fury that was egging me on.

Xing wants to start teaching me how to fight with a weapon. I told him I just wanted to rely on myself and not something I couldn't really control. (Kinda like my mutation.) But he said he would train me so well that it would seem as if it was part of my body, or a part of me. We are going to start with a staff weapon and then move into more deadly weapons. So we shall see where that goes.

My computer's battery is getting low, and so is my energy. Suppose it is time I went to bed, I am getting tired.

-Rogue out-


	8. Monday, March 29 2010

**11:42 am**

Well it hasn't been that bad of a Monday. In fact it is the best I have had in a while.

I got up early today. I just couldn't sleep anymore. So I grabbed a novel off my nightstand that I started the night before and didn't stop reading until I was done.

It's nice to get lost like that, in another world, another place. Other people struggling besides you.

**6:45 PM**

I should make a note that Logan and Ororo returned about an hour ago. Part of me thought he would be banging on my door in no time flat to do one of his apologizing workouts, where he tried to get across that he was sorry without having to say so.

But it didn't happen. But I don't want to think about that anymore.

I'm going to go roller blading with Jubilee, I know it's dark out but we have flashlights, and there isn't much traffic around here so that isn't any cause for concern.

It's good exercise too...

**11:57 PM**

So I'm kinda an idiot. What can I say, I am not omnipotent. I am just human.. or a mutant. Or a mutant human.

You choose.

I had a little accident.. nothing major just me being stupid.

Really stupid.

So there we were roller blading in the dark, we ending up not needing the flashlights since there was more than enough moonlight to guide us.

It was nice, I have always liked skating and was enjoying everything... until..

We were about two miles from the house when I talked Jubilee into racing me.

Everything had been fine until we were going down a very large hill. That is when the car came out of nowhere...

And Jubilee was heading right for it. She was too busy looking at me laughing for suddenly getting ahead of me.. to even see that car, but when the headlights were right on her and she finally did see it, it was too late for her to react... . and the car still hadn't noticed her...

(although how could the car not have seen her! She was wearing a bright yellow tank top for Pete's sake- it nearly glowed in the dark! )

And it was coming really fast. I had just a second to make up my mind. No time for flashy moves or eye popping heroics.

I sped up, and sparing nothing pushed her out of the way. Luckily for her there was grass along side the road, unluckily for me I got hit by a car. It wasn't a full head on collision, it actually barely even hit me, it was more of a hard tap that caught me on my side and sorta sent me flying.

I heard Jubilee scream, and then shoot off some energy sparks at the car that she told me later on hadn't even bothered to stop or even slow down.

Then she was standing over me, then leaning down.

"Rogue?"

I remember... I don't know... pain. Yes, I remember pain.

And then I closed my eyes for what seemed like only a second. The next time I opened them was when I felt my body being lifted off the ground.

Looking up I saw a man wearing sunglasses. Scott. My first thought was how good he smelled, the second was that I was being carried and boy wasn't that interesting.

I closed my eyes again. The next time I regained consciousness was when I heard yelling.

"_What_ did you think you were doing? Why didn't you tell me Rogue was hurt?"

"Why didn't I tell you? Let's see, I wanted to get to her as soon as I could, not hunt the Wolverine down during one of his mating sprees."

"Why you son of a b..."

"Both of you shut up!" I heard Jubilee yell. "_You_!" she said, her voice steadily rising. I knew she was pointing at Logan, even with my eyes tightly shut. "You can't even keep your promises to her, so who are you to be yelling at Scott?" She paused for a second and then added a couple more words. "I don't even think she would want you here, let alone trying to act like you care!"

I opened my eyes slowly then.

Jubilee was standing in the middle of Scott and Logan, her hands outstretched, holding each other at arms length. Logan looked as if he was trying to decide whether to kill Scott, or Jubilee or both. Scott looked like he was angry yet not as mad as Logan, and Jubilee just stood there defying both of them, especially Logan.

Dang that girl had courage.

Logan narrowed his eyes at Jubilee, muttered something under his breath and stormed out of the med lab, which took my a while to figure out that I was in.

Dr. McCoy came out of nowhere told me that I just had some minor cuts, abrasions and bruises. Nothing that wouldn't heal... that I have been given something for the pain, and that he was sure it hurt worse than it really was. Whatever that meant. I mean I passed out for Pete's sake. Twice. But whatever. If he was telling me I was Ok , then I guess I was.

Jubilee came and sat down in a chair beside my bed and starting speaking in a rush about how I had just saved her life, and that when I was better we were going to hunt down the punk that had run me over and inflict some pain on him. Although she didn't use the word punk, and the punishment she had in mind even made me cringe.

Scott just stood behind her looking at me quietly, yet calmly and maybe with a little relief mixed in also.

I guess that was better than concern.

Jubilee went on and on about this and that and somewhere in between I noticed that Scott had left.

After much persuasion I finally got Jubilee to get my laptop.

I know, here I am banged up, head and side throbbing even through the medicine I have been given and all I want to do is write.

At least nothing is broken.

So I did something idiotic. Jumping in front of a car like that.

But then again, maybe it wasn't stupid of me. Maybe it was the right thing to do.


	9. Wednesday, March 31 2010

**9:37 PM**

So the Doctor made me stay in the Med lab for two days. Two days! He also took my notebook away from me.. as if it had death rays coming out of it or something. That infuriated me, but I settled down when he let Jubilee grab some books for me.

I should have told her to grab my books (I forgot sometimes you really have to explain things to her) because what she brought back was a bunch of romance novels, the covers themselves enough to make me embarrassed. I mean _please_. I made her take them away. I told her if she didn't I would use them as target practice, as I tried to throw them in the nearest trash can. I think she was a little shocked at my reaction, I guess she thought since I didn't get enough opportunities to touch that I wanted to read about other people doing it.. And doing it often. But I didn't. And I wasn't in the mood.

Anyway the two days went by relatively fast, and I must admit it was actually quite nice being waited on hand and foot.

Should jump in front of cars more often. It gets you room service, the ability to request things and most the time getting them, and also being able to just lie there doing nothing but reading , was actually not that bad. It was like I was giving permission to take it easy.

Logan visited me a couple times, I decided that since I was mature. I was not going to hang over his head the fact that he forgot about our plans.

But who am I kidding? I have always been the grudge Queen. But I thought I did remarkable well. Especially since he never even brought the matter up as if he didn't even do anything wrong. What worried me was.. what if he didn't even remember? But that is another matter.

I believe I was actually quite civil to him, if I do say myself. And the way Logan was paying so much attention to me again was enough for me to make an effort. To remember why I cared so much for him.

But at one point I finally broke, he had been holding my hand staring at me, his expression one that I couldn't read. And suddenly I couldn't contain myself any longer. I just let go.

And it wasn't pretty, in fact it was kinda funny now that I think back on it. Logan went from surprised to wide eyed, to actually ashamed.

All I said was..

"Thanks for taking me driving the other day." OK so I was being mordant, and I know a little anger made it into my words as well. But since I had time to think about such things, I decided it was best to get things out in the open, or I could quite possibly hold that one little thing against him till the end of time, and beyond.

"Marie... I..." It was strange, that was the first time he called me Marie that I actually preferred he didn't.

"Forgot?" I finished for him, since he suddenly seemed unable to find his words.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

Probably because I didn't want him to know how much it mattered to me. How much it crushed me that his concern for me lately seems to be dwindling the longer him and Ororo are together. But I had no good answer to tell Logan so I said nothing.

And then he astounded me. He actually apologized. The first time, since I have known him and he apologized. And I knew he meant it.

But why did it make me feel hollow inside, as if.. as if... I don't know.

We talked a little while longer after that, a little more openly then we had in while. It was actually quite disconcerting. But a little more like old times. How it used to be. But enough about Logan...

Scott also came and sat with me, more times even than Logan. He is actually quite easy going, and after I realized he wasn't going to yell at me for getting in an accident, I eased up a little and enjoyed his company. He has a nice laugh, although they way he did it made me think he hadn't in a while.

As for Jubilee, she felt her job was to fill me in on all the latest Gossip. Most of the stuff she told me I definitely didn't need to know, and the other stuff, I didn't really care.

Anyway, I was released from the medical lab early this morning, Doctor McCoy gave me some pain pills. I have to admit right now so you understand what I am about to write down, that I misunderstood him and took double the dosage.

So there I was, quite drugged, a little sluggish, and I am going to admit it. Quite happy.

Dang did I feel good. Never before have I felt so free of my heavy emotions, so alive and joyous.

I was making my way out of the Med lab, Bobby walked by me, and then he turned around and came running after me.

"Rogue?"

I faced him, with what I realize now must have been a very unusual wide smile.

"Yes Bobby?" This wasn't the first time we had spoken since I, he.. we? broke up with one another. But this time I didn't have all that anger and sadness that I usually relied on to get me thorough it.

"Are you OK?" he was looking at me in such a way that I felt like a bug under a microscope, but a very attractive bug, especially the way his gaze was lingering on my mouth and my eyes.

"I'm wonderful Bobby, thanks for askin'." And that is when I think I started to notice that I wasn't my usual self. For what did I do next? I kissed Bobby. OK, so it wasn't anything passionate, and it wasn't something that one of Jubilee's romance novels would even want to talk about, because it was so tame. So innocent.. although... So... interesting. I leaned in and brushed my lips past the edge of his mouth, it was over before I had even knew what I had done.

I heard Bobby's sharp intake of breath and I gave him another smile. I must have put a little extra into that one, because suddenly his eyes lit up, and seemed to become more blue. He grabbed me by the sides of my waist and slowly pushed me against the wall. He just stood there staring at me. As if he didn't know what to do with me, but wanted to do something.

I was too drugged to even want to think things through.

Like why was Bobby starring at me like that? Why were his hands trailing through my hair? Why he was he putting his hands on me at all?

But the moment ended, when I heard someone approaching us.

Bobby must have heard it too, for he leaned into me further and whispered in my ear.. his cold breath billowing down on me.

"Rogue.. I..."

He never got to finish what he was about to say, because that is when a kid decided to pass us.. (Tim I think his name is, not that is it important) and now that I am sitting here, typing about it. I know that I don't really care. Maybe I didn't even then, it was just that he was making me feel.. dare I say it... quite alluring and vital and...

_Really Good._

I kinda pushed him off of me, winked at him (Man what is in those pills?) and walked away from him...

I was making my way up to my room, not really thinking about much except that the next time I saw Dr McCoy I was going to thank him for the happy pills..

I guess I was really lost in thought though for I bumped into someone... quite hard... I had been walking kinda quickly... I nearly lost my balance but some strong arms caught me before I toppled over.

"What's da hurry chere? Sometin' on fire?" I regained my balance and got myself out of the person's hold.

And then I looked at the person. A person with red eyes. Red on black.

Interesting was my first thought. My second was Dang.

The man before me was obviously new. To old to be a student. So even in my slightly altered state I was curious to what that person was doing there.

I must have been staring, not just into his eyes but at his whole self. He had a leather trench coat hanging over one hand, was wearing black pants, a dark purple long sleeved shirt that actually complimented his eyes, which had a couple buttons undone at the top, and a grin that was going from ear to ear. He also happened to be one incredible gorgeous man. Wait till Jubilee gets an eye load of him.

"Like what y'see.. uh..?" he said with a smirk on his face. I credit myself with the fact that I didn't blush, nor look away from his continual appreciative gaze. I knew then that he was fishing for a name.

"Rogue." I told him. He reached for my hand and actually kissed it, (Or actually kissed my glove- who did he think he was Casanova?) then started to stare even more openly at me. As if it was his turn.

"Da name's Gambit Petite, although when y'get to know Gambit better you'll want t'call him Remy." I heard in his tone what his translation of getting to know him better was.. I mean who was this guy kidding? Get to know him better? And Call him Remy? As if it were a privilege bestowed on only a select few. Give me a break! I could see what sort of a person he was a mile away.

I laughed at him then. He tilted his head at me, and I saw he was enjoying himself. He obviously didn't hear the detestation in that laugh. The jerk.

"Whatever y'say Gambit..." I emphasized my accent, rolling out my words, and approached him slowly. Gambit's eyebrows rose but he didn't move.

I then did another very un-Rogueish thing. I leaned in toward him, my lips just hovering over his slightly. I then brought them even closer until they were almost touching his. Then right when I could tell he was about to lean in toward me.. (although I don't know how I knew he would) I pulled away, and looked at him with a face that was showing no emotion. Although there might have been a little contempt.

"But I don't think it ever need come t'that." I finished and then walked away. I knew he had his eyes on me and I didn't mind.

Did he actually think I was going to kiss someone I just barely met? Please! Not that I could. Not that I wanted to.

So I continued my happy way up to my room. And of course I had to pass another person.

Scott.

He looked as if he had just gotten up, probably was heading down to get some breakfast. I didn't say anything just continued on my way.

When I got to my room, I crashed down on my bed. I wasn't really tired. I was just, well, floating in the clouds and wanted to ground myself for a second.

Then there was a knock on the door. I didn't bother to get up and answer it. I was firmly placed and didn't want to move.

"Rogue?"

I didn't answer, even if it was Scott.

"Rogue?" he asked again a little louder this time.

I still didn't respond.

I heard him test the door, and when he found it unlocked he walked in.

So there I was half lying on the bed, half off, drugged out of my mind and flying higher than a kite..

"Rogue?" I heard him approaching me, but I still did nothing. After several seconds passed I suddenly knew he was going to reach out to touch me.

That caught my attention. Don't ask me why. I was so deranged and totally out of it that I was lucky I made it to my room and not someone else's by mistake.

I turned over, I had been on my stomach, and in the process managed to throw myself off the bed and down on the floor. I just laid there on the carpet. I found out then how soft and comfortable it was. Somehow Scott managed to get me off the floor (with a minimal fuss) and onto my bed. I managed to sit up. Although things were starting to get blurry.

I think the pills were starting to really get absorbed into my system then.

Scott told me why he had come to check on me, something about how I smiled at him (funny how I don't remember doing that.. even now) in such a way that was not like me.

He asked me what was going on. I told him I was trying to fly. That led him to checking my pockets where he found my pills. Scott studied the bottles directions and then he was looking down at me. He asked me how many I took. I told him I didn't remember.

"How many Rogue?" his tone was too serious for my mood. But I couldn't ignore it. I tried to focus.

"Four." my words were suddenly slurred and my eyes didn't seem to want to focus.

I felt him pick me up, put me under my covers and bring them up over me. He then grabbed a chair and sat down in it.

"What are y'doin'?" I asked him although it came out more like "whatareydoin".

"I know those pills Rogue, when you take more than the prescribed dosage they have the same effect as if you were intoxicated... "

"Is that why I feel so good.. so free?" I tried to get out of the bed, not wanting to pass up what the pills were offering me, not wanting to waste there wonderful sensations on sleeping.

But Scott wasn't having it.

"I can see I'll have to make sure you don't get yourself in any trouble."

"I'm not any trouble... Please Scott... I want to feel..." He got up and pushed me back down into the bed. Put the covers back over me. "I never get t'feel!"

I tried to get out of the bed yet again. This time Scott sat down on the bed, leaned over me and held me down with both his hands. I stopped struggling, it seemed pretty useless at that point.

"Do you miss Jean?" I asked suddenly. My words out before I could stop myself.

His grip loosened on me a little. But I still could barely move. If I was thinking more clearly I know I could have gotten him off me quite easily.

"Yeah." he whispered, his words more of a sigh than anything else.

"I miss Logan too, but he doesn't love me, nobody loves me... Would y'like t'love me Scott?"

I looked up into his red glasses, searching for his eyes that I could barely see. But suddenly wanted to. He finally let go of me, and went and sat back down.

"Try to sleep Rogue." he said sternly and I saw he didn't want to look at me. But that was fine with me, I was getting tired and suddenly didn't care. About anything.

I turned over onto my stomach, grabbed a pillow, put it under my head and closed me eyes...

When I woke up about three hours later, I realized how utterly foolish I had been acting.

For a moment I allowed myself to believe that maybe it was just an elaborate dream, that it never happened. But when I turned over, sat up and saw Scott sitting there reading one of my C. S. Lewis books, I suddenly knew better.

"Oh crap!" were my first words, after I threw the covers over my head and laid their mortified. When I finally felt ready to face him I slowly slipped the blanket off my head until I found Scott's eyes on me. He seemed to be trying hard not to smile, or for that matter laugh at me.

Where's a gun when you need it?

"How you feeling?" Scott finally inquired of me.

"Like I want t'crawl under a rock and die."

"Was it that bad?"

My thoughts drifted off to what I had done under the influence of those dang pills, Bobby that Gambit guy... what I had said... to Scott. How happy I had been. How carefree. How idiotic.

And why did I remember it all so well? Weren't things supposed to be fuzzy ? Out of reach of tangible memories. Especially if it was supposed to be like I was drunk.

When Scott saw I was indeed more in control of myself he handed me some new pains pills that he must have gotten when I was sleeping.. explained to me to take one when required for pain and NO MORE.

Then he left me alone, with my thoughts, my embarrassment and my sudden small smile that was on my lips.

Why?

I was wondering when I could get a hold of more of those pills.

Not really though..

So that was pretty much my day for today. Not very interesting though I know.

I stayed in my room until Jubilee brought me up some dinner (Thank you Jubilee!) and didn't have any more visitors for the rest of the day.

So here I am staring at all the words I have typed, a lot more than usual. In a little more pain then I was earlier, the new stuff obviously not as strong.. and I can't stop thinking.

But that is OK.

I guess I should be grateful they are my own thoughts. Wouldn't need someone else's right now to confuse the issue/s.

It seems that I am prolonging going to bed. Kinda don't want to face tomorrow. Bobby.. that red eyed guy.. or even Scott.

But I know that is foolish. And I am not a coward. To bad, it might make things a little easier.


	10. Wednesday April 7 2010

So it has been a whole week since that little happy pill incident.

And things are fine.

I guess I heal pretty quick, because today I already went back to my training sessions.

I had to get Dr. McCoy's approval first, but after I told him I hadn't had any need for the pain pills for over four days, and that I wasn't hurting anymore... he gave me a quick look over and told me it was OK as long as I took it easy for a while.

But there was something strange going on in the Med lab, when I had gone down there I interrupted a conversation between McCoy and the Professor. They stopped talking when I entered the room, and both were looking at me strangely as if, maybe, somehow, some way, what they had been saying had something to do with me.

Maybe that is just me being paranoid. But I don't think so.

So anyway, my life is back to what I perceive as normal.

I talked things over with Bobby two days after the incident. He had grabbed me and pulled me into the empty Rec room one day, I had nothing to do but face him.

I admit, I was uncomfortable. But that eased out of me when his first words were that Scott had told him that I accidentally took too much medication, and that he knew I wasn't quite myself that day.

I had told Scott some of the things that had happened when I was helping him clear out the rest of Jean and his room three days ago. I don't know why I told him, it was just nice to confide in someone again.

And me not needing to explain things to Bobby was nice. But that didn't stop him from suddenly professing his feelings for me... that he was sorry he hurt me, that he still cares for me, and that he wanted to know if there was still a chance for him.

That scared me senseless. His sudden ongoing show of emotions for me. I haven't seen him so.. so passionate toward me since that strange day in the hall.

But I knew what my answer was.

Yes, I think I did love Bobby. At one point in my life anyway.

But, I don't know, or yes I do. _He betrayed me._

With someone I had believed to be my friend. Although friend might not have been the correct word, but close enough.

He had been holding my hand at that point, I don't know why I let him, but the way he was looking at me I suddenly felt sorry for him.

But I got hold of myself at one point, pulled my hand out of his, looked into his eyes, and then turned away from him

He put a hand on my shoulder, to stop me from walking away or just to get my attention I don't know.

I whipped around.

"You hurt me Bobby!" I felt tears building up in my eyes but I wouldn't allow myself to cry "I trusted you!.. I cared for you!"

"Please Rogue.."

"No," I said swiping his hand away from me when he reached out to touch me "You have Kitty... be happy.. and leave me alone."

And I do want him to be happy, I know I meant those words. And I hope he heard my sincerity in them, not just bitterness.

As far as the Scott incident, about what I said to him, we haven't actually talked it over. But I don't want to.

I have actually been spending more time with him, he even said he would teach me how to fly the Blackbird.

My first lesson is going to be tomorrow. Looking forward to it. He also said Jubilee could come along.

So we shall see how that goes.

As for that Gambit guy. Well I don't think he is ever going to let me live down my flirtatious manner toward him on that first day we met. He is constantly cornering me, flirting with me, and just plain pursuing me. I have never had someone come after me with such tenaciousness, that it almost is flattering. But he flirts with any girl in the mansion over 12 so I don't feel that special. Apparently it looks like he is moving in. He hasn't yet, although he seems to be around here a lot lately.

From what I hear he got into some trouble down in New Orleans, something to do with a thieves guild (a thieves guild! OK?) and Xavier has invited him to stay. Sometimes I wish the Professor wasn't so generous with his hospitality and goodness.

Not that I hate the guy. I don't. I don't know him well enough to hate him. Not that I want to get to know him well.

Although he does get my attention.

His bold daring ways... but... not going to happen.

Where was I? Learning to fly.

Yep Learning to fly.

I am looking forward to it. That and spending time with Scott.

I can't believe he actually volunteered to teach me. He has been so closed off over the past year..

Storm even had to take over leadership responsibilities of the X-men.

I know, I still have flashes of the Lake incident, but that is just another reason why I should get to know how to pilot the Blackbird.. so I can be more in control of the thing of the incident ever arises.

Jubilee started jumping up and down and screaming when I told her Scott was going to teach us. I guess she is interested in learning also.

I have also been spending time with Logan again. Part of the reason might be that him and Ororo got into a huge fight...

But I don't want to over analyze things. I do that too many times. It doesn't do me any good.

I wish I could say more exciting things have happened over the past week, like me finding the love of my life, or saving the world, but I have nothing else to talk about.


	11. Friday April 9 2010

It has been a long day.

Longest I have had in a while. It all started with me getting up early for my flying lesson.

I should have known something was wrong when I saw the note that had been pushed under my door. The one that told me to meet Scott in the danger room. I mean I definitely should have known where that was going to lead to.

After grabbing Jubilee, we headed down there, both oblivious to what awaited us.

A lecture.

He had a simulation of the blackbird waiting for us. (I should have known!) and after we got on board he handed us two pretty thick books, and told us to study them, memorize them, learn everything inside of them. And then he started to talk. And Talk and **Talk**. About what certain things did, what to do incase of an emergency, where the escape hatch was, etc, etc..

And I had actually expected to be flying the jet that morning. I should have known.

I can't seem to stop typing that but it is the truth.

So after about 45 minutes of Scott's speech, I realized Jubilee was glaring at me. Her happy self no longer as such. She was mad at me for dragging her into it.

That lesson by Scott Summers.

When he was finally done he showed us how to start the thing up, and how to power it down.

Boy was that fun. Maybe the next lesson he'll show us where to place our drinks.

So that took up two hours of my life. Scott said we could continue in a few more days after both of us skimmed through the instruction manual, which I found after opening it, that he had written it. But of course he had. The blackbird had been modified and customized so much that someone would have had to write special instructions.

"You look a little disappointed Rogue." Scott said to me, I nearly laughed in his face from how right he was.

"I just thought we would be able to practice on the real thing." I told him after he ended the simulation and we both stood in a pretty bare room.

He picked up my book that had fallen and handed it to me.

"You will eventually, it's just safer to start this way."

Scott seemed a little sad when he said those words, as if he was suddenly remembering something. I didn't get a chance to question him about it, or continue our conversation, because Jubilee started tugging on me.

"You're buying me lunch Rogue!" Jubilee said, her lips pushed together in a thin line. Can't argue with her when she gets like that.

So we went out for lunch and I did have to pay for it. No big deal. After a little coaxing I persuaded her to continue the lessons with me. All I really had to say though was... wouldn't it be neat... us being the only two out of the younger X-men that knew how to fly the Jet? And that was the end of that. I guess she likes the idea of being better or more able than those around her. I know how she feels, although it is a pretty base emotion.

After we got back from Taco bell, her boyfriend Mike was outside talking to Gambit. I parked the car and as we made our way over I heard part of their conversation.

"Man those are some way wicked contacts!" Mike was telling Gambit, who didn't really react to those words, as if he were used to hearing stuff like that.

So obviously Jubilee hasn't told him about her being a mutant, or what kind of school she was really living at... Jubilee barely even said goodbye to me as she jumped into a car with Mike and drove away.

So I was left alone with Gambit.

Just great.

He followed me into the house, surprisingly silent for his usual self. I headed toward the kitchen to put a burrito away that I had been unable to eat. After grabbing a bottled water, and successfully ignoring Gambit, I headed out the room and toward my own.

"You goin' t'go out wit his friend Josh?" he called after me, causing me to spit some of the water I had just drunk out onto the floor. I guess Mike had told him about Josh. How else would he have known? Although there was Jubilee who could have told him also. Jubilee who thinks he is irresistible and totally hot. Her words not mine.

I turned around, not at all shocked to find him already behind me. He moves more silently than Logan and that is saying a lot.

"That's none of your concern." I placed the cap back on my bottle gave him a look filled with daggers and continued to walk away from him.

"It is if Remy want y'for himself."

I rolled my eyes and continued on my way. Gambit ran up behind me and grabbed my arm. I slapped it away.

"What do y'think your doin'?" I asked him, trying hard not to get angry and failing miserably.

"Remy just don't like it when y'walk away from him, 'specially when he enjoys your company."

I kind of lost if after that. And we started to argue. I don't even know him and I have already been in a fight with him. A word fight, but a fight none the less. Just because he said he liked spending time with me. Well shows you how temperamental I am sometimes.

Our argument didn't stop until Bobby and Kitty were coming down the stairs. Kitty looked amused, Bobby looked mad. Which showed even more when he pushed Gambit away from me after rushing down the stairs. I noticed then how Kitty's enjoyment seemed to be replaced by unmistakable jealously.

I tried to get away from both of the guys, and especially Kitty's penetrating gaze at me.. but didn't make it.

Gambit grabbed my arm again and tried to lead me away from Bobby.

Bobby responded by placing ice in front of Gambit and making him slip and fall. He nearly took me down with him.

After he leapt up from the floor, he pushed Bobby angrily while pulling out a card from his pocket and charging it. Of course I knew what his power was, that was one of the things that never went unknown in a place like this. But it was still fascinating to watch.

"Would you guys stop it!" I finally screamed after pushing the two away from each other. "You're acting like two year olds!"

Gambit was the first to respond when he waved his card around and put out the charge that he had started on it seconds earlier. He then winked at me. I barely noticed as Bobby started to apologize to me.

Then Kitty came over, pulled at Bobby and made him leave with her. Which was fine with me. Just wish she had done that earlier.

Once again, I was left with Gambit, The smiling, too happy, too audacious Gambit. I started walking up the stairs again, quickly so that he couldn't stop me again.

"Petite.. we have t'do that again sometime.. especially know dat Remy know how allurin' y'are when y'get angry."

I stopped at the top of the stairs and in one fluid movement threw my bottled water behind me down at him. It probably didn't hit him, But it did make me feel better.

When I got to my room I found Logan waiting for me. He asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I responded with a sharp remark followed by an apology and slight explanation to my pissed off mood.

"That Cajun is nothing but trouble, don't know why the Professor wants him here."

I couldn't agree more with Logan. So I changed and then he took me for a ride on his motorcycle. Yes his. He actually bought one about 6 months ago.

There was a part of me that didn't want to go since it reminded me of his first broken promise to me, but I really wanted to go so I did.

We drove for a couple hours, it ended with me driving back. Neither of us had really said anything to the other the entire time, but sometimes with me and Logan there isn't much need, silence is better than words.

After I took my helmet off, Yes, Logan made me where one. I was walking inside, thinking how glad I was that Logan and I were spending time again with one another, not to mention holding on to one another for dear life when the situation called for it.. I might have sped up a couple of times just so he had to hold on to me tighter. Man what a nice feeling..his strong arms around my waist... oh.. where was I.. I seemed to be digressing...Oh yeah, walking inside, thinking warm thoughts when someone called my name.

Scott.

"Where have you been Rogue?" He asked me coming toward me quickly.

"I went for a ride with Logan..why?" I saw how upset and agitated Scott seemed.

"I was concerned, you didn't answer your cell phone."

I took my phone out of my pocket and realized it had anciently been turned off. Gee.. Wonder how that happened? All those bumps in the road, turns and.. I'm wandering again aren't I...

"It was off I'm sorry."

"What's this all about one-eye, why you hassling the kid?" Logan asked after he came up behind me.

Yes, I am being called a kid again. Not my favorite thing in the world, but.. not the worst either. There does happen to be a little intimacy in those words.. If someone listened to them closely.

"Jubilee was in an accident."

"An accident?" I remember I became really nervous and completely baffled. Not what I wanted to hear, not what I had been expecting."But she was with Mike.. I.."

"I still don't know how it happened, apparently they were driving when some car came behind them and started purposely banging into them, they tried to get away, but there was too much traffic and they ended up swerving off the road to avoid colliding with a car in front of them.."

"Are they injured?" Logan asked for me since I seemed unable to.

"They are both at the hospital getting checked out, both are fine though.. I was just about to pick up Jubilee."

"I'll go with you."

Logan came along also. He didn't need too. Maybe he was trying to be supportive. Or maybe he cared for Jubilee too..

It was a short, yet silent drive.

The way back was totally different. Jubilee may have looked like she had been smacked around, the area around her right eye black and blue.. not to mention some bruises on her arms.. but none of that stopped her from talking. We barely even checked her out of the hospital before she went to full speed. But that is a good sign. When she becomes silent is something you got to watch out for.

Jubilee didn't believe that the accident _was_ an accident. No, she didn't get a good look at the driver, and Yes, Mike was going to be ok.

She also wanted to know why I didn't answer my phone. I felt guilty. But she didn't hold it against me. She never does.

Wish I was that forgiving.

Jubilee had called Ororo after she called me, I guess she didn't know that she was at a conference with the Professor.. Then she had called Scott after that.

When we got home I followed her up to her room. She didn't want to be alone.

Doctor McCoy came up and checked on her and gave her a mild sedative. I stayed with her for an hour before she drifted off to sleep.

Scott came up about 30 minutes after that, he brought me a turkey sandwich, some salt and vinegar chips (didn't knew that he knew those were my favorite) and a bottle of coke. He stayed with me and we chatted quietly.

I really like Scott.. I do.. Even if the tiny bits of Logan that remain swimming in my head tell me not to.

"You look tired Rogue.. you should get some sleep too." He finally told me after picking up my plate and empty bottle.

"Why is it that y'always want me t'go t'bed?"

"Why is it that you always have to fight me on the matter?"

I remember smiling at that a little. His red glasses showing me a small reflection of myself.

"I'll get you a pillow and a blanket."

It didn't take him long to do that. When he returned with the items, I started to empty the junk off the couch so that I could lay down. I then threw the pillows on the couch and sat down. Scott sat down by me.

"Don't worry Rogue she'll be ok. We X-men are quite resilient."

"I know.."

"Then why are you already starting to worry again?"

I don't know how he knew I was..

He got up off the couch, looked down at me and handed me a book. I started laughing when I saw it was the manual on the blackbird.

"This is guaranteed to help you fall asleep." Scott told me with a straight face.

"But you yourself wrote this!"

"That's how I know."

So he left me then, I was now in a better mood then when he had found me, and I actually did read about twenty pages of the instruction book.

It actually wasn't that bad. But that might have been because I actually found it a little interesting.

Jubilee is sleeping peacefully, although she seems to mutter every once and a while. This couch is not that bad, so I think I will sleep ok.

Going to go to the bathroom and try to get some sleep.

Time to end this day.


	12. Wednesday April 21 2010

I have been feeling uneasy lately, as if something is about to happen. I have had these feelings before, these premonitions.

Not always a good thing.

I have been seeing more and more anti-mutant hatred all around me. I don't even have to leave the house to see it. It's on the television, on 70 percent of the newspapers that the Professor has a subscription to, some that are from other states and even countries. Even the ones written in different languages, it's easy to know what they say in them. What the headlines are shouting.

They all make me uneasy.

And yet a strange part of me does feel a little excited about what is about to come. The fact that I am a part of something, working toward a goal. One that I know I would die for if I had to.

What's so wrong with Mutant and Human coexistence anyway?

The way the more frightened humans talk, the ones that use lofty words to hide their obvious hate.. they seem to think eradication of mutants is a just goal. Something that is worth working toward.

And then there are people like Magneto who seem to want to give humans more of a reason to hate us, to fear us, to wish us dead.

And yet I understand both sides. Although agree with neither. For while their ideas might hold some water, their actions and suggested methods are both ruthless.

Wrong.

And it's not because I believe myself to be a puppet of Xavier's, I know myself and trust my judgment well enough to realize that he is a good man. Working toward a better future.

For everyone. And what is so wrong with that?

Only that it is going to be a challenge, a hardship, a tax on us all to be able to even see a glimmer of it.

But something easily attained is never appreciated.

Or so I am told.

I have been feeling so down lately. So out of sorts. As if a part of me just wants to shut down and die.

Not a good thing. Not a good thing at all.

I do believe I have a purpose. A purpose for being alive. For being here...

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward five years or so into the future just to see if this struggling and fighting is worth it.

Or if my life, which I sometimes think of as unimportant, actually has some meaning.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I get on these highs that take me through happier thoughts and better times.

But as I said, lately it's as if I have been hit by a cloud of doom. And I am just waiting for it to start hailing on me.

And it has nothing to do with the people around me.

Lately I have been able to even get along with Kitty better. Not that we are friends. But she doesn't seem to be glaring at me anymore. That probably has to do with a talk we actually had, one where I told her I didn't want Bobby, and that I was happy for her. (That hadn't been exactly true- the part about me being happy for her, but it made me feel mature and selfless when I said it, and I am starting to believe those words as the days pass)

And Gambit, who if he wasn't living here I would deem a stalker, I have managed to learn how to tolerate. I hardly ever get angry at him anymore, although he doesn't stop trying. And trying.

As for Logan, I'm fine with him at the moment. His relationship with Ororo something I am no longer bothered by. Their relationship so full of ups and downs that it leaves me more confused about it than apprehensive.

And I really appreciate Jubilee. I thought I didn't want friends. Didn't want anyone to care about. But she has become my best friend. My confidant. The person who came make me laugh when I need it the most, or cry with me when we watch horribly depressing movies that I can't seem to get enough of lately.

And Scott, what can I say about Scott? He's the one I go to when I have more serious matters to talk about. Like how depressed I have been lately, how melancholy.

I tell him things I have never told anyone, not even Logan or Jubilee, and I know I can trust him not to tell anyone else, or to laugh at me... It's been barely a month that we have been actually interacting and spending time with one another, and yet I feel like.. I don't know.. I can't quite explain it. He has also told me things. Things that make me feel that I am not the only one going through the ringer, the only one that feels like she is the devil's play toy. He doesn't talk about Jean much, but when he does it is usually accompanied by a far away look that makes me think... think if I will ever find someone to love... Like he loved/loves Jean.

Unconditionally, forever, even past her death.

I try not to get jealous but it is hard to stop those little pangs of envy from filling my stomach.

I have never really loved. Maybe Bobby was the start of my trying to, but I never felt like I think someone should.

Like they have found their soul mate. The one they want to share their bed. Their thoughts their desires, their life.

Will I ever feel that?

Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that thinks I am in love with Logan. But since I don't really know what love is, who am I to say that is actually what I am feeling?

Would I give my life for him? Yes I would. Would I want to give him my innocence, my body? I don't know.

And one time I would have typed YES, YES!

But what do I know?

Can't touch, can't feel, can't truly love. Even if I wanted to.

But what is with all this love talk? A subject I am learning to detest. To keep at a distance.

To keep as far away from me as possible.

I am continuing to learn. How to fight, how to fly the X-jet. How to be a part of the X-men without thinking myself useless and a fool.

How to be a mutant in a world filled with no tolerance for anything that is different. Not the status quo.

How to live without a family. No mother. No father. Never had any siblings so at least I don't have to feel saddened about that.

And Yes, I have the Professor who is like a father figure to me. But it's just not the same.

No matter how much I want it to be.

I have also learned not to hate myself. Not to hate my mutations and the limitations it puts on me.

How to like myself. How to appreciate what I am and what I offer. Although it is hard.

Something I will have to work on for a long time.

I have been sleeping more lately. Not wanting to get up to start another day.

I don't seem to have an appetite like I once did. My thoughts filling me with dread and the knowledge of what is to come.

What seems to be coming closer every day.

A war. A war I might not be prepared for.


	13. Friday April 23 2010

So here I am again. What is to follow is about what happened about 36 hours ago... Took me a while to get everything clear enough to be able to write about it.

------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday started our relatively well, I went for a long walk with Scott, ate lunch with Logan, had a talk with Ororo about my flying lessons with Scott which she found oddly amusing. Yes, I can talk with Ororo, although it is hard when I start to compare myself to her, not that I do that as much as I used to. I know it does no good to do that. Just makes me feel worse.

Anyway, later that night Jubilee came back from wherever she had been, toting a large cheese pizza. We went up to her room after grabbing a six pack of Pepsi and played the playstation until about 2 in the morning.

It was nice. It was soothing. It was unconventionally better than usual.

I should have known my good day was going to be shattered. End up badly.

I'm not a pessimist. Really I'm not. Not that I am an optimist either. I think I am more in between. I just hate when it sounds like all I do is complain, moan and murmur...

The thing that made things turn for the worse?

_I had a dream._

Yes, another dream.

Lord help us all when I have one of those dreams.

One that isn't my own. One that is his.

Not Logan's although his are terrifying enough.

Erik's.

The ones that scare me to death and fill me with dread. For his past shows what the future may hold for me. For us. For all mutant kind.

After parting from Jubilee who wanted to go for a drive and was still running off the caffeine... I didn't feel like going anywhere but I got out of having to refuse her when Jubilee's boyfriend called her, does he always call her that late? Not that it matters.

Anyway, after saying goodnight to Jubilee who was already so focused on her call she barely even heard me, I headed to my room, prepared a strawberry scented bubble bath and soaked and laid their for a good twenty minutes.

Then I went to bed. I was so tired, the bed was so comfortable, and the pillows underneath my head were in a perfect position.

I drifted off to sleep perfectly content.

But that feeling didn't last long, nor follow me into my dreams.

His dreams.

Let me tell you now, usually when I have his dreams, _I am him._ Not just watching it happen.

So when I elaborate on it all I will be saying my or I, but it is all him.

Now a part of me.

I was eating lunch with my parents, nothing extravagant, just simple bread with some chicken that my mother somehow managed to find, since certain foods were hard to come by. Especially for us.

We were enjoying ourselves, eating the simple meal with happiness, of being together and spending time with one another.

And that is when the soldiers came, they didn't bother knocking, didn't bother screaming for the door to be opened.

They just shattered the door, with some well placed kicks, and charged inside, guns waving, swastika symbols on the side of their uniforms making my heart actually skip two beats.

The nazis.

My parents jumped up and stood in front of me, trying to protect me. But it did no good. They weren't just after me, they were after us all.

The Jews. The dogs. The Yids.

They hit my father with the butt of a gun rifle for no reason at all, making blood pour out from the cut on his head and splatter against the wall behind him. When my mother went down to the ground crying, screaming and trying to help him, the guards above her laughed.

I just stood there stunned. Scared out of my mind. _Helpless._

They forced us all to follow them at gun point, we had to help my father who was dizzy and not able to walk without help. My mom took my hand into hers, holding on so tightly that I could feel the blood leaving my fingers.

And then in a flash the dream moved forward. I was in a small box, one that barely held my body and that wasn't big enough for me, even though I was just a boy of 14. But box wasn't really the appropriate word. It was more of an enclosed cage, one that only had a small hole in it for food or water to be thrown in if they ever felt like feeding me. It was beyond uncomfortable, couldn't even sit up, had to stay in a permanently hunched position. It was hard to breath, to focus, to concentrate.

I wanted to die.

My family was dead or probably being killed and I was in a camp for Jews, alone and frightened.

My mother and father had been forced away from me, toward a building that had a dark ashy smoke coming out of the top of it. And I wanted to go with them. But for some reason I was spared. I know now I was spared since I found out later what that building actually was.

Extermination by fire. Jews that were thought not healthy, not strong enough or too young or too old were lead there to their deaths.

Most didn't even now what awaited for them, a stove, a stove to burn alive humans. Jews. My people, my kind.

I was in that cramped box crying, although no tears were coming, it was more of a body heave than anything else since I had no more tears.

The nazis were interested in me. That wasn't a good thing.

After my arm had reached out toward my parents and that strange hot energy had shot through my body and then through my hands, the one that twisted and bent the mental fence, and didn't stop until they grabbed me and hit me with something, was enough to warrant me more attention from the Master race.

So there I was, obviously beaten while I still was unconscious since I didn't remember anything. My head hurt dreadfully, and my vision was a little spotty.

And then it flashed ahead again.

Tests. So many tests.

I was now strapped in a chair. Some men were standing around me. Two men with abnormally white coats on, while guards were flanked behind them holding on to their guns as if I was going to make a sudden move. Or try to get away.

They took samples of my blood, my skin, even one of my teeth they yanked out with no warning which made me yelp out in pain.

And they continued. And continued.

And the worst part is that I was awake. Feeling everything they did to me.

Ironically I had my hands in two thick metal manacles. Try as I might I couldn't get out of them. But I felt a low hum coming off of them, and everything else metal. They were calling to me. Wanting me to do something. But I couldn't. I couldn't call forth that strange power again, I didn't know how to.

The German guards liked to beat me in between tests...

Three days I was strapped in the hard, unforgiving wooden chair.

Three days of more poking, probing, and more things that made me scream from the intense agony it caused me.

I was bloodied, bruised, laughed at and scorned. Given hateful glares that held in them all the disdain and worthlessness that they felt toward me.

I prayed to die. But I didn't. My mind might have wanted to, but my body was strong.

They couldn't figure out how I managed to manipulate the metal. They were starting to believe it was a fluke. That I had nothing to do with it. I was starting to believe that as well.

And then on the third day one of the doctors approached me, a young woman no more than 25, her beautiful blond hair and face so incongruous with the malicious, almost pleasurable smile that she held on her features as she came closer to me.

She held a long blade, about the size of a large kitchen knife, I could see the way that it glistened that it was sharp.

And then without warning, even though I had been expected it, she slashed me across the arm. It was a deep cut. I screamed, the anguish and pain filling it up with too many notes of hurt that it was pathetic to my ears.

She took two steps back and examined her handy work. And then she waited. But for what?

"It's not healing!" She said to another doctor behind her.

Healing? Why would they think I could heal myself?

"Better bandage him up, don't want him to bleed all over everything."

She must have been someone of importance the way the people around her snapped to attention and carried out her orders.

And then the questioning began. It didn't stop until I passed out from the pain. From the beatings, from the tests.

When I finally woke up, a young woman was cleaning some of my wounds. I started pushing at her and hitting her, tying to get her not to touch me. But her voice calmed me, and I also saw she was wearing a yellow star of David, she was a Jew. Just like me. I learned her name was Ruth, she told me she was going to take care of me. I think I fell for her a little then when she didn't try to offer me any false hope or empty words.

She was killed three weeks later.

Right in front of me.

That is where I am now. She had been standing in the line getting us something to eat, we had just finished another very long day of forced arduous work. I was still a little wobbly from weeks before, and the work was even more strenuous for me. But I had her to help me, to give me strength to endure. I really depended on her.

Ruth was the most lovely girl I had ever seen. She was so easy to like, even easier to love. Her green eyes, fair complexion and brown hair so beautiful. But it wasn't good to be pretty in a place like this. Especially if you caught one of the guards eyes. I know she came from a once rich and powerful Jewish family, but that meant nothing now, except the fact that she had to learn quickly how to present herself as something other than she was... Just another Jew among many. Nothing special. Nothing Beautiful. Nothing Unique.

She had succeeded so far.

Until that day.

She had been walking back toward me, a small smile on her face that was so strange in the place we were. But she was like that, always so optimistic and full of hope.

"I have God," she told me a couple days earlier "He will watch over me."

Those words pounded in my head when I saw a guard grab her.

"What are you doing girl?" The man spat out the last word as he threw her to the ground. I got up off the steps I had been sitting on and went toward her, even when everybody else around her was ignoring what was happening or at least trying to.

Ruth kept her head down, got up slowly and stared down at the ground where the two bowls and spilled soup now was.

"Getting something to eat." She said so softly that I almost didn't hear her.

"Look at me when you speak to me!" The man yelled at her as he forced her head upward with his large hand.

I started to come closer but she motioned no with her hand, which she was able to do without the guard noticing.

I stayed put. My breathing uneven.

"You're quite a pretty little Jew aren't you?" The guard said while raking his eyes up and down her thin yet still very womanly body, "Wonder why I haven't seen you before."

She didn't say anything, just lowered her eyes again.

"You will come with me." He latched himself on to her arm hard enough that it caused her to screech out.

He started to drag her away, to probably do to her that which should not be done to any woman. That is when she did a thing that surprised me.

"No!" Ruth demanded hardly louder than a whisper.

The guard stopped his walking and spun around to face her.

"What did you say!" He slapped her hard across the mouth.

"No!" Ruth said louder this time, wiping the blood off her mouth as she brought her head up and looked at him with such open distaste, such utter loathing, that the man actually froze for a second and dropped his hold on her.

She took that as an opportunity to walk away, toward me.

That is when the gun went off. I had been so relieved at her release that I hadn't been prepared for the inevitable.

Her death.

She fell into my arms, the blood pouring over my clothes and down onto the ground. Ruth looked up into my eyes. Hers were so green, so alive, so vibrant, but that only lasted for one ephemeral second.

"My choice." Ruth said to me. "Be well Erik." And then she died.

Another death. My parents, my first love and friend in this inhumane place. This death camp. This living hell.

I lowered her down on to the ground, her small lifeless body mocking me, me this fourteen year old who's only supposed sin was being born a Jew.

One of God's chosen people.

And that is when I felt it again. Undefinable Energy. It was stronger than I have ever felt it.. Immediately I could pinpoint the gun the guard was carrying that had killed Ruth.

I could feel it coming closer to me from behind. I focused on it, and then jumped up and turned around.

The guard looked at me, cocked the gun back with a loud click and took aim. At me.

And then in one effortless movement I pulled the gun out of the nazis hand with my surging magnetic energy. It was so easy. He shouted some curses and looked at me with overly wide eyes.

And then I shot him.

I never thought I would ever take a life. Then again I never thought I would end up there.

The shot seemed even louder than before, and as the guard slumped to the ground, I felt nothing but anger.

Such anger.

Such fury.

Such hatred.

I heard people screaming around me, but heard no angry guards coming after me, obviously he had been the only one in that area.

I don't know if anyone saw what I had done, probably not since there had only been me in front of the guard so they wouldn't have been able to see what I did with the gun. What I had willed to happen.

I ran then after dropping the gun where it had been hovering in the air, just from my thoughts.

But I had nowhere to go. Nowhere. The barbed wire fences so big, so menacing, and once again I couldn't seem able to summon the forces inside of me that could make me so formidable.

In fact I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Not even the usual low hum that came off anything metal.

_I was forsaken._

I found myself in the back of the compound. Alarms now being sounded. Dogs barking and guards shouting. I don't think they were looking for me though. I just think they found the dead man.

The dead Nazi. The German.

I continued to try and try and try to bring forth that power again. But nothing was happening. The fence wasn't shaking wasn't moving.

I slumped to the ground and started to cry.

------------------------------------------------------

OK, this is where things got confusing for me. Most of the things that happened next come from what other people told me since I didn't quite know what was going on. Although I do remember more of what I was going through emotionally and physically, just not exactly what I did.

You see I woke up after that dream. Only I wasn't in my bed, let alone my room, wasn't even in the mansion.

I was on the Xavier's School for the Gifted front lawn in front of the gate, sobbing my eyes out.

I stood up shakily, not fully comprehending the fact that I was me. Not Erik.

And my first thoughts were that I had to get out. Had to be free.

Had to escape.

But how?

And then I felt it, that energy flowing through my body that could only mean one thing. My power was back. Or more accurately _his_ were.

I stretched out my hands and this time I felt it, felt the fence with such intensity that it could have been another limb on my body.

And then I pulled forward, the fence creaked and sparked and fell toward me.

It make a wonderful noise as it crashed, made contact with the driveway. I remember I reveled in it. He reveled in it.

And then someone called my name. Only I didn't know it was mine at that time. Although maybe a part of me did since I turned around.

Ororo was approaching me, or I should say flying toward me.

"Rogue?"

I stared at her for a second. She must have seen that I didn't recognize her. Didn't know who she was.

She looked behind me where the fence was now lying in shreds. Her eyes betrayed how shocked she was, but her words remained calm.

"Rogue are you OK?"

"I'm escaping.. did you want to come with me?" Ororo lowered her self on the ground and approached me. She suddenly seemed frightened.

And I now know why.

I was speaking German. Just like I had been in my dreams. Just like he had been.

She put a hand against the side of her face and then closed her eyes in concentration. She almost looked like she was talking to someone, although her mouth didn't move.

"Help is coming Rogue." She told me after she opened her eyes and placed what was supposed to be a comforting hand on my arm.

"Help?" I squeaked out, still in a different language. Sudden fear making it's way into my words.

I felt then that it was some sort of trick.

And I responded as such.

"Stay away!" I shouted as I pushed her slowly away from me, picked up part of the broken fence with my mind and thrust it at her.

It hit Ororo and threw her back. It also knocked her unconscious.

And then there were more people coming toward me, although at that point they were starting to become familiar.

"Rogue!" A mans voice that I actually kinda recognized shouted at me.

"Leave me alone!" I lifted myself in the air, hovering a couple feet off the ground.

Scott, Jubilee, Logan, Xavier, and a couple curious students were either making their way toward me or watching with sick curiosity.

That is when the Professor entered my mind. If I had been more of myself I would have realized that when he placed his fingertips against his forehead to concentrate.

He wasn't there long though. He found the problem relatively quickly, my horrified visions of the holocaust still quite clear in my mind.

He said some soothing words which I still can't recall and then suddenly I was no longer hovering in the air ready to fight, but was now by a calming lake, bright green grass and flowers around me, soft winds playing against my skin.

"Rogue you need to push Erik back!" The Professor was coming toward me, I was taken aback when I saw that in fact he was walking toward me.

I don't know how he found me so quickly. But he did and I was grateful.

I realized then that we were in my mind, I was surprised to find it so peaceful. Maybe that was the Professors influence.

"I don't know if I can," I told Xavier truthfully, who was now standing right in front of me. "He doesn't want me to, at least not yet."

"Rogue you must!"

I realized I was crying and shaking, and so confused. But at least it was me. Or my mind counterpart me doing that.

"Can you help me?"

Xavier frowned slightly and took me into an encouraging hug.

"I can give you a boost, but you have to do the rest yourself."

He didn't tell me how. I guess he didn't need to. I closed my eyes and felt everything fade around me. The Professor, the lake, even the strangely real smells.

I brought my head upward, closed my eyes, found Erik in my mind, and did what I can only describe as putting him away. I knew he was still there, would always be there. But now he was farther away. Less attainable.

I then started to do that with the others in my head. The longer I was at it the easier it got.

I finally finished. I felt the Professor break his telepathic link that gave me the surreal lifelike world in my head. The one that made accessing everything in my mind easier.

I opened my eyes. I was back to where I started. Only I was now me.. More me than I had been in a long time. I looked down at my clothes, a part of me expecting to see a striped uniform, but I was relieved to see it was just my normal silk pajamas.

That was when I noticed I was hovering in the air. But I didn't get time to feel shocked or even somewhat happy about the fact that I was flying, since immediately after my realization I was falling. I was no longer able to access Magneto's power.

Someone caught me. How they managed that is beyond me. But better than greeting the pavement in more ways then one.

It was Logan. I knew the minute his arms tightened around my body. The way he touched me so familiar.

I took in everything around me, Scott who was helping Ororo to her feet. (although I didn't quite know why she had been on the ground at that point in time) The Professor who looked slightly dazed on my behalf. Jubilee who was rushing toward me with tears in her eyes. And Logan who was looking down at me in such a way that my stomach started doing strange flip flops.

I was back.

I was me.

I hope that never happens again.

But there is a part of me that knows it will.

This isn't the first time. I lost myself. This probably won't be the last.

I guess I should be grateful that Xavier was there to guide me back this time, or it would have taken a lot longer for me to regain my sense of self.

Oh it's just fun being me!


	14. Sunday May 16 2010

So it's been a month since I have last written. Things haven't been fun. As if my life wasn't complicated enough. Xavier has made me start seeing him two times a week. Psychoanalyzing me and trying to make me speak to him.

I still don't know why I had such a drastic digression of self just from a dream.

I don't think the Professor knows either. He just sits there listening to my filler words, (stuff I consider OK to talk about, but not too personal) offers me long drawn out remarks and comments while he sits there looking at me with such compassion and caring that I feel sorry sometimes that I can't be more forthcoming about my emotions and problems.

McCoy tried to put me on antidepressants. Nobody seems to understand that I seem to be doing a lot better than I have in a long time. I am even able to handle the stuff inside me better. I mean whenever I absorb someone, sometimes it does start out like other voices in my head, but eventually it just end up being certain thoughts that aren't mine, dreams that aren't mind, desires, cravings, lusts, hungers, etc. that aren't mine.

It sometimes gets to the point where I eat things I don't like, want things I don't care for and do things I don't understand. But it had been clear lately. Not so much muddle. Yes, those personalities, psyches as the Professor likes to call them are still there, it's just that now when I recall them, it is like I am reading a book or watching a movie. Not like I have lived what they have lived, or survived or been through what they have been through.

There are a couple important things that have happened. One that I probably should have started out talking about at the beginning. A week after the little "Dream incident/don't know who I am incident" Ororo came to me. The minute I opened the door, and saw her worried expression and the way she held her hands I knew she had something important to tell me. Something she didn't quite now how to tell me. Letting her in my bedroom she sat down on my mini couch I had and looked me over silently. She didn't look angry. I knew she hadn't been mad at me for what I had done to her. Hitting her with the fence and all. After all I hadn't been myself.

But I couldn't figure out what she wanted. Probably something to do with Logan. My first thought was maybe Logan proposed to her or something. But I threw that thought away almost as instantly as it made its self known in my head.

I sat down on the bed crossed my legs nervously and waited for her to speak. What she told me left me stunned. Stunned and confused. Stunned because she told me that during the point where I had pushed her off of me, I had done it with a bare hand and that my power had never kicked in. Confused because I didn't know why it took her so long to tell me about it. But she didn't offer me any explanations.

Apparently the Professor had known all along, his next session started out with a raised eyebrow.

One than I knew well.

"What does it mean Professor?" I asked knowing full well he knew what was on my mind. And I knew what was on his.

I remember sitting there quietly, my eyes on him quite attentively, and I couldn't stop holding my hands together; they were so tightly clasped together that I was starting to hurt myself. He told me it had something to do with my subconscious, the fact that me believing I was Erik and able to touch, meant that some way, somehow, there was a way for me, as Rogue, to be able to learn how to also. Strange, you think hearing that I would be giddy. Feel alive and vivacious. Feel.. Feel something. But I didn't really feel anything. I felt, I felt, well, alone.

I no longer had Bobby, Logan was with Ororo. And me, me the still untouchable had nobody. And maybe that is the way it is destined to stay...

Another session the Professor had invited McCoy into it. It lead to them both trying to persuade me to take some anti depressants. I think I mentioned that earlier? But I refused. I told them I had enough foreign things going on in my mind, I didn't need any further confusion. They finally left me alone when I agree to try some natural vitamins and minerals or some such stuff.

I DON'T NEED DRUGS. Don't need antidepressants. I feel fine. At the moment anyway. I guess they are afraid I might have another of, I quote the Professor "Lost Moments."

So things continued. And not very well.

Since that day I have been getting hushed whispers all around me, people stop talking when I enter the room. I feel people watching me, and some of the bolder residents actually stare outright at me.

I am getting sick of it.

And the next person that asks me how I am doing is going to get my fist up their nose. Not that it is as bad as it was, the way the people I don't really know are treating me. You think they would be a little more understanding, them being obviously different themselves, (Why else would they be here!) but of course the younger students haven't really learned that lesson in their life yet.

I have scared some of them. Yes scared them. All I had to do was remove my gloves while there were watching me and them pass them by slowly. I could hear there intake of breath as I walked by them. And there eyes on my bare hands.

Served them right.

Although it got me a stern talking to the next day by the Professor. Made me feel like a two year old.

It was worth it though.

Another thing that happened was about a week ago; Mike, Jubilee's boyfriend, broke up with her. Seems he found out that she was a mutant. And according to Jubilee he isn't mutant tolerant. She came crying to me that day. I guess he meant a lot to her, and she was in a lot of pain. More than I have ever seen her in.

"It's not fair!" Jubilee told me in between her sobbing. "I shouldn't have to hide that I am a mutant! And it shouldn't matter that I am!"

I hugged her tightly and told her she was right.

Haven't done anything in a while since Jubilee is not up to going out, that in itself it a testament to how badly the breakup is getting to her. How come I didn't feel that about Bobby? All heartbroken, and the need to not stop crying. Sure, I shed a few tears, but I think they were more self centered tears. For I would have nobody to be with. To try to love me. To touch me every once and a while.

But not everyone has been standoffish around me. Been spending a lot of time with Logan, even more time with Scott. And Jubilee has been a great rock for me. And now me to her.

I still feel kinda mad. Yes, Mad. You see everyone is babying me. It's not like before where I injured and bruised myself pushing Jubilee out of the way of a car. That was just physical. And I was more than happy to get the princess treatment then.

But now. Now it _sickens_ me. Probably because what is supposedly wrong with me is mental. In my head. Something harder to heal. Wish they would stop doing that. I something feel too much of all their pity. I want to scream at them, but stop myself from doing so. (For the most part) Hit them but manage not to. (Although I did slap Gambit across his face, he just wouldn't shut up, but he doesn't really count since I don't like him.)

Although I went a little crazy with Logan one day. About two weeks ago.

I had been walking down the hallway humming a song I couldn't remember the name to. Perfectly fine. At that moment anyway. I was meeting Jubilee and Kitty for lunch, (Yes I have been spending time with her again.) I realized I had forgotten my wallet and went back to my room to retrieve it. I was grabbing it off my dresser when there was a slight knock on the door. The door was open, so when I turned Logan was already inside my room.

"How you doing Marie?" He asked me the concern dripping from every word.

I just stood there a minute; I swear if I was a cartoon, steam would have come out of my ears. I turned to face him. My expression stern, my lips in a thin line.

"Well enough that people need t'stop askin' me that question!" I told him bitterly while trying to walk by him, _trying_ since he grabbed my arm and stopped me. I yanked out of his hold an stood there glaring at him.

"You've been distant lately."

I've been distant! I've been!

I think I told him something like that with those words in it. Only I was angry at that point and a couple colorful words might have been mixed in. He actually took that opportunity to look embarrassed. Logan embarrassed. Not a pretty sight. _Scary_ actually.

"Ororo and I.."

I put a hand out and pushed him away.

"I'm fine Logan, FINE!"

He grabbed me again.

"Marie!"

I narrowed my eyes, defiantly lifted up my head and stared him down.

"We haven't talked since... since... the incident." He finally said.

"Logan we haven't talked in a very long time."

"It doesn't have to be like that."

"It was your choice not mine."

He dropped my arm finally and started looking out my window which was several feet away.

"How long have you been angry at me?" Logan asked my so quietly that I nearly didn't pick it up. Unfortunately I had. And he wanted an answer. His eyes now upon me.

"What makes y'say that?"

"Ever since Ororo and I.."

"Stop right there," I told him pushing him away from me. "if you are trying to insinuate that I am jealous than you're wrong," My next words became a little less harsh. "I'm happy for y'_really_ I am, it's just that..."

"That?"

"I just wish that things could be like they were."

"Things are always changing Marie."

"Believe me, I know!"

I tried to pass him again but he blocked me.

"Please move."

"Not until you tell me why you're mad at me."

It was then that I realized I wasn't. Not really. I was more angry at everybody than just him as an individual. And he had been treating me more decent than usual.

"I'm not really angry at y'Logan. And I do know things have t'change.. it's just.. just.. I don't know.. _complicated_."

He finally let me pass him, a part of me was wanted to see if I could move him with force. I think I could have if I wanted to. Well maybe that talk wasn't as bad as I started to make it out to be, and we have had more personal ones since then. As personal as a person like Logan, and well, like me can get.

Blackbird lessons have finally continued with Scott, although they didn't start back up until a week ago, when the Professor finally said it was OK. Maybe he thought I would have a lost moment and accidentally crash his multi-million dollar jet. Yes, Jubilee and I are up to the point where we are flying the real thing, although we always have Scott as a copilot in case we screw up, and we never really do much, or go very far.

Haven't been on a mission since forever and took a lot of begging for me to be able to even do danger room sessions again. The first time was about two and a half weeks ago. I was paired off with Scott. At first Scott tried to pawn me off onto Gambit, but after I gave him a look that should have fried him extra crispy. He though better of his decision.

Never really fought beside him before. He usually stands over us all in the control center, giving us directions and tips... He's not all optic blasts that man. Scott knows how to fight hand to hand as well.

I felt strange, fighting so openly, since I was trying to keep that all under wraps while I was still learning. But it was only Kitty, Bobby, McCoy, Scott, Gambit and myself. I guess a part of me doesn't want Logan to know I can fight. Or maybe I don't think I am good enough for him to see yet.

Who knows with my mind.

After the Danger room session was over, I had an odd sense that I was being watched. I am starting to hate that feeling, yet I am to the point where I know really well when someone is staring at me.

I turned around.

Everybody was looking at me with surprise, except for Scott of course... Even Gambit who likes to hide his emotions behind silly grins and flirtatious manners. We'll now they know. Rogue isn't quite the little defenseless baby they make her out to be.

"That was great everyone, well done... " Scott started offering people some comments and observations, lastly he turned to where Bobby and Kitty were sitting on a bench. "Kitty next time try paying more attention to you opponent than your boyfriend. This isn't a game."

I remember she turned beat red. I actually started to laugh. Bobby gently squeezed her arm; looking over at him they shared a smile.

Gambit snickered.

So everyone headed off to the showers. I headed to my room. Still am not comfortable showering and changing in front of everyone. Don't even think that is because of my mutation. Probably more due to my upbringing.

I just got out of the bathtub.. most times I prefer the bath to the shower.. when there was a knock on my door. Sometimes I wish I was telepathic; so that I could know who was behind the door and what there intentions were.

"Just a second." I yelled, grabbed some comfortable green sweats out of a drawer and quickly got dressed.

It was Scott. He obviously had just taken a shower. His clothes were sticking to his well defined body, his hair combed and parted, although still quite wet.

"You did really well today Rogue, wanted you to know that."

I left him at the door and grabbed a brush, sat down on the bed and started brushing through my wet tangled hair. I indicated that it was OK for him to come in, since he looked like he wanted to, and he did so. Scott sat down backwards at my computer chair and swiveled around to face me.

"Are you hungry Rogue?" I stopped brushing my hair and looked over at him.

"Yes, was just about t'head downstairs t'get somethin' t'eat."

"Would you like to go out for lunch?"

"With you?" I said in what must have been an astonished manner.

"Why not?"

"Why not.. " I repeated as if trying to figure out an answer.

"Sure... let me.." I stopped mid sentence threw the brush on the bed behind me and pulled my hair into a ponytail which I secured with a green hair band. I then got off the bed and stretched a little. "OK, ready?"

This time he seemed a little taken aback. He stood up and looked at me queerly.

"You're going like that?"

I looked at my clothes. I couldn't see anything wrong. I told him so. He started to laugh when he saw I was getting defensive.

"Its just Jean.." He pause for a minute as his eyebrows furrowed into a painful expression .. "She always took forever to get ready, makeup, clothes, just picking out what shoes to wear..."

"I've always been able to get ready fast." I told him. "Are you paying?" I asked not rudely, just wanted to know if I had to bring any money or credit cards.

"Yes." He didn't seem offended.

We started heading out of the room after I grabbed my sunglasses. That was when Jubilee popped in.

"Gong somewhere?" She looked at the glasses in my hands and then up at me. Then she looked over at Scott.

"We're goin' out t'lunch."

"Great! I'm starving!" I didn't think anything of it, Jubilee is always doing things like that, inviting herself along and such. But I happened to be looking in my mirror at the time; just making sure if my room was neat enough, and everything in order when I saw Scott's expression.

Pure disappointment.

But what did that mean really? Probably nothing. I read to much in things.

"Give me a minute to put some makeup on," She looked down at her jean shorts and yellow tank top, and then at her bare feet. "and to change my clothes.. it will only take a second, I'll be right back!"

It took her forty five minutes. But it was OK. Both Scott and I knew how long she took to get ready. I guess Jean isn't the only one that is like that. We played gin. He beat me a couple times. But I won in the end after we tallied up the totals. Scott can be quite funny. The way he pouted when he lost. It was actually quite cute.

So we went out to lunch. Afterwards, Jubilee convinced both of us to go with her to the mall. There was a jacket she had her eye on that she finally saved enough money up to buy. But them when we got there, she was so full of indecision about whether or not to get it, that I finally grabbed the money out of her pocket, snatched the coat out of her hands and bought it for her. I know she was really glad I did that.

Have I ever said that I don't like the mall? Well I don't, good thing we weren't there long. After Jubilee got her coat, she found out after I gave her some money back and the receipt, that it had been on sale and she had enough money left over to get matching shoes. Boy was _that_ punishment. Took her an hour to find ones she liked. Meanwhile, Scott and I had left her and went to the electronics. After that I found I was craving some chocolate so we headed to the candy store. I guess it wasn't that bad. Scott bought himself some black licorice. Yuck. I bought Jubilee and me chocolate covered almonds. Those are her favorites. Mine too sometimes.

So that is the more important things that have happened since my little digression to thinking I was a young Erik, a victim of the holocaust. Been spending a lot more time with Scott, and not just with Jet lessons. Jubilee always seems to show up, so we are never really alone. But why would I notice that/ Do I want to be alone with Scott? And if I do what does that mean?

One thing I _have_ noticed. He has started to hug me differently. I _know_ touches. Since I am unable to touch skin to skin, it seems that that has heightened my senses, made me more aware of any form of physical contact. They have become more warm, more affectionate, not as brotherly like they used to be, or parental like Xavier's can be.

More intimate.

Oh, crap, one of my least favorite words. But there it is. We have become good friends these past months. So that is all that is, just friendship. Just cordial platonic affection...

There is something I saved for last. Since, well, it kinda frightens me.

I remember that dream of Erik's. I remember the way he felt sometimes around things metal. I have been feeling it to. When I focus my attention on anything metal I feel that low hum. And if I concentrate really hard... Well, at one point I was able to pick up a pen and move it across a room.

This started the last couple days. Since everything in my head has started to resurface. Although it isn't as severe as it could be, in fact everything is more controllable. Easier to handle...

There is something else. Yesterday I had a pretty physical and strenuous lesson with Xing, I believe he is one of those people that believes keeping busy solves a lot of problems.. Anyway, I cut myself pretty bad at one point. We had been practicing with the staffs, I didn't block fast enough, and wham, right across the knee. You wouldn't think a little stick could cause so much damage, but my knee would disagree. I had to go see Doctor McCoy, he wanted to give me stitches, but after he saw my expression, he told me we could start with a bandage, and if it started healing properly we wouldn't have to do the needlework.

Here's the interesting part... I woke up this morning, my knee was itching terribly. It got to the point where I ripped off the bandage and started scratching with a vengeance. It took me two quick seconds to realize that there was no longer a cut. Only a little pinkish area, and a very minuscule little line where the cut had been.

It had healed over night. _Somehow_ I had used Logan's healing ability. But how?

I did something kinda silly after I saw my healed wound. I raced over to my desk, took out a pair of scissors and lightly slashed myself in the palm of my hand. It bled a little. I sat down on my bed and watched the cut. But nothing happened.

Nothing.

Why can't I do anything? Why can't I call the power forth? What is happening to me?

So I traded one large bandage on my knee for a small one on my hand. Wish I knew what was going on. I am going to have to talk to the Professor.

But tomorrow maybe, I need a little time to think.


	15. Monday May 17 2010

So there I was in bed, sleeping soundly, dreaming for once dreamless dreams when I was awakened by a knock on my door.

I shifted slightly and tried to focus for a second, the sound didn't repeat itself after several long seconds so I believed I had just been hearing things.

Snuggling back under my covers I closed my eyes.

But then the knocking started up again. More persistent.

I turned around looking at the clock.. It was 3:32 in the morning. I haden't even slept five hours. I need at least seven to be cordial.

I jumped out of bed, although it was in slow motion so maybe jump isn't the right word. Walked over, unlocked my door and without opening it to see who it was, I returned back to my bed and pulled the covers over my head.

The knocking started again but then the person tested the door handle, found it unlocked and entered.

I knew who it was. I guess I knew when I heard the way the knocking was done, but I was too tired to be too perceptive.

It was Jubilee.

A very wired Jubilee. She turned on my bedroom light.

"What took you so long?"

I didn't answer just pulled the covers tighter around my body.

"Rogue?"

Oh just great, I knew the way she was saying my name she had some sort of request. But why did it have to be in the middle of the night?

"Rogue?" she repeated louder and with a little more questioning tilt to it.

"What?"

"Are you up?"

"No!"

"But..."

I flung the covers off my head and looked at Jubilee. Somewhat exasperated. She was fully clothed, wearing her new yellow jacket, and she also was holding what looked to be an overnight bag. So I was curious.

"Where y'goin'? It's three in the morning for Pete's sake!"

Jubilee frowned but not long as it soon gave way to a small smile.

"I was going to wake you up an hour ago, but thought I would give you an extra hour of sleep before I bothered you."

Bothered was the right word. Have I mentioned how cranky I can get when I don't get enough sleep?

"What's so important that y'got to come t'me at this time of night!" I half yelled, half screamed at her, not sparing any of my sudden anger.

She seemed to take that as her cue. Not the least bit swayed from my curtness. She slowly sat down on the edge of my bed, made sure I was paying attention to her, then she put her small bag down on the ground.

"I got to get away from here Rogue!"

"I don't think the mall is open at this time of night."

"That's not what I meant.. I mean I need to get away from here... The Xavier school for the Gifted, the danger room sessions, the missions, the... the... crazy things we are doing... I just need a break!"

I sat up slowly in bed, listening to her pleading and her somewhat passionate speech. I knew she was serious.

"Where are you goin' t'go?"

She jumped off the bag with energy that seemed way to much for me at that time, and turned around very excited.

"Don't you mean where are _we_ going?"

"We?"

"Yes, you're coming with me!"

I laughed at that.

"Now?"

"Why not?"

I got up a little further in my bed, brought my legs up to my chest and sat there in silent deliberation for a second. She was right. Things have gotten a little too serious around here lately, and it was only going to intensify. Why not get away for a while? Why not do something spontaneous, wild and unpredictable. How did I get in such a monotonous role in my life? Get up, do danger room session, do training with Xing, maybe have a jet lesson, get on the Internet for an hour or so, read a little or watch a movie, maybe spend time with someone. But I never really leave the mansion, never really go anywhere. Never do anything really different. Sure most people would find my life extraordinary, even I did at first. But to tell you the truth I don't really have much of a life.

Do I?

And don't I deserve a break? Don't I deserve something different? Experience something new?

I don't know.

So those were the thoughts that went through my head, funny how I can still remember them.

I stared up at Jubilee my eyes slightly narrowed.

"Jubilee?"

"What?"

"What was the name of my first dog I ever had?"

She scrunched her eyebrows and thought about that for a second.

"Astro." She finally said. And then looked at me confused. "Why did you ask me that?"

"Just wanted to make sure you were you and not some demented shape shifter."

When people start acting a little contrary to their usual self you do have to be careful. Especially around here. I know Jubilee understood, all though that didn't stop her from rolling her eyes at me.

"Well!?" Jubilee asked.

"OK." I told her. Just wish that I thought of it first!

She started jumping up and down at my response, went to my closet, grabbed my bag and waited for me to pack.

I got dressed, packed a couple clothes and other items... Grabbed my computer, some CD's and my mp3 player and we were off.

We didn't wake the Professor to ask for permission, or tell anyone that we were going. We just left a short note on Xavier's desk and made our way to the garage.

At that point I was revved. Funny that just twenty minute earlier all I wanted to do was sleep. But then with the garage opening, the cool night breeze blowing against me, I suddenly felt vibrant, alive.  
Alive!

We got in Jubilees car after placing our bags in the trunk. She has an older prelude that Scott had helped her paint a very cheerful yellow. She keeps it totally clean and free of clutter. The totally opposite of her room. She absolutely adores that car.

Jubilee put in one of her pop CD's, and I knew I was in a good mood when I didn't give her one of my usual looks or remarks that would have at least made her turn the noise down.

And we were on our way. To where I didn't know at the time.

I remember I asked Jubilee how we were going to pay for it.

She gave me a very wicked smile. Maneuvered a little and pulled out a visa card out of her pocket.

"But the Professor gave those t'us for emergencies!"

"This is an emergency." She told me, and we looked at each other and started to laugh.

Sometimes it's nice to be alive.

We drove for a long time, I know that Jubilee set the mileage to zero so we could at least see how far we were traveling.

Earlier when we had still been at the mansion I went off to go find a map.

But Jubilee stopped me.

"We're going to be spontaneous, drive until we don't want to, sleep when we are tired, eat when we aren't hungry. And do things just for the heck of it... Aren't you tired of always doing what is expected of you?"

Yes I was. _Yes I am._ I have gotten myself into a little rut.

At least when I had been dating Bobby he took me out to restaurants and plays and other interesting things.

But I stopped liking to do that. Probably around the time I found out Bobby was eyeing the very touchable Kitty. And suddenly it all felt like nothing.

Like I was cheapened or something. Or being played around with. Or have my emotions tested.

Not that Bobby did that on purpose. He is too good a person to do anything out of spite. But he did do it none the less so what does it matter. It was done.

Driving like that, in the very dark night, speeding along back roads, music playing etc. Reminded me of over a year ago, when Logan, Bobby, John and I had made our escape after the attack on the mansion.

Of course I was more dressed, thank God. Had more than just my nightgown on. And it was Jubilee driving, not Logan. And Bobby wasn't in my life anymore, and John was long gone.

When we stopped at a gas station we switched places, it was going to be dawn soon. Already it was getting a little lighter. It would be two hours later that we finally decided to stop. Or Jubilee decided to stop.

"Let's stay there!" Jubilee pointed at the biggest, fanciest hotel I had ever seen.

"We can't afford it Jubilee!"

"Sure we can, or at least we are going to try!"

So we drove up to the front door, a door man actually opened our car doors for us, as a another person took Jubilees keys and handed her a ticket.

A young man came outside and got our bags out of the trunk and we followed him.

The doorman, a nice elderly gentlemen, with a smile on his face that actually looked sincere, already had the doors open for us.

"How you ladies doing this fine day?"

"Living!" Jubilee said excitedly, giving him one of her face breaking smile. "Thanks for asking!"

And we made our way in, still following the young kid, probably sixteen or so who was carrying our bags to the front desk.

But we slowed down a little. Taking in our surroundings. The first thing I noticed. The ceilings. They were so high up, and so expansive.

At that moment the automatic shutters were being opened, and light played across us and brightened.

It was amazing. Everything looked so expensive, Yes, the Professor also has fine things, but this was different, this was, well ..

The carpets and rugs looked ornate, paintings looked impressive, it had a huge sitting room, and from the smell of it an in house restaurant and grill. And probably so much more.

My stomach started to grumble. Jubilee noticed.

"I'm hungry to, but let's check in first."

The way she said it was like we would be up to our room in a matter of minutes. Try 27 minutes. I know. Because I sat down after the first ten and waited for it to end. What to end? Jubilees bartering for a room. A cheap room. But a good room. I myself know how persuasive she can be when she wants, but it still took a while. She had to put on a lot of charm, a lot of smiles. Luckily for her it was a man behind the counter or things might have been a little more difficult for her.

Jubilee finally came back where I had been sitting down. She was flushed, yet excited and had the bag kid standing behind her. He had a door key in his hand.

He wanted us to follow him.

Jubilee told my on the way that she had gotten our rooms at 60 percent off the usual cost. I guess it helped that it was a weekday, and the hotel wasn't very busy.

We were led onto an old stylish looking elevator and before we knew it we were standing in front of our door. A door that was quickly opened by the bag kid.

He deposited our stuff, Jubilee gave him a large tip, which I actually didn't object to and we both stood there and gawked.

What a room! Room? It was more like a small apartment building. Every thing large and open and decorated to perfection.

We even had our own separate rooms. A wide balcony that looked over woods and a small lake that almost seemed out of place with the busy city that the hotel was located in.

Our gawking was interpreted when a sudden bell rung. We had a doorbell! A doorbell in a hotel! I was in heaven.

Jubilee ran to the door after throwing her jacket off. A uniformed bellboy or whatever you call them wheeled in a large cart, filled with bagels, croissants orange juice, strawberries and other delights.

"Compliments of the morning manager." He said, offering us both a wary, tired looking stare. Then taking all the food off the cart, he placed it on an lavish wood table. We had our own kitchen! Jubilee tipped him a dollar and shooed him on his way after he gave her another cheeky look.

"This is too much!" I protested. "This room looks like somethin' the President would stay in, even at sixty percent we probably can't afford it!"

Jubilee looked at me, feigned a pout and then brought her hands up to her face and started to laugh.

And laugh, and laugh.

"What's so dang funny?"

"You know the guy at the front desk?"

I nodded my head.

"Well he is my foster parents.. my mothers.. brother. All we have to pay for is the food, and whatever extras we get."

"Why didn't y'tell me! It would have saved me some grief!"

"You weren't grieving chick, you were having fun."

So I was. To tell you the truth I didn't care if it cost a million dollars a day. And I didn't care if we got yelled at (although the Professor doesn't really yell, so argue) with us when the Xavier saw the bill.

I was looking forward to it. I wanted to get in trouble. Wanted to stir up a ruckus and not necessarily get attention, but show people that I am not the quiet, reserved southerner that they assume me to be. I never had been. I just hadn't allowed myself to give into my wilder whims in a long time.

"I thought we were bein' spontaneous!"

"We were, I didn't decide to come here until six hours ago, if that's not spontaneous I don't know what is!"

"But I thought y'didn't know where we were goin'.. I thought.."

"That we were driving around aimlessly?"

"Yeah."

"We kinda were, I didn't really know how to get here, but luckily for you I am good at memorizing maps."

"We could have brought one."

"What fun would that have been, I would rather have gotten lost."

She was right. Order, method... who needs it? Not I.

So we ate breakfast. Then we went swimming. It took Jubilee a whole hour to convince me to go,

"The pool is empty I checked!" She told me after she left the room for a good twenty minutes.. I thought because she wanted a newspaper.. That is what she told me anyway. But come to think of it Jubilee doesn't read newspapers. So she had the pool in mind all along.

"But my skin!" I protested.

"Where a shirt over your swimming suit, and some shorts, nobody will get near you, its a huge pool Rogue! You can't go through your life so cautious all the time! You'll end up alone, unhappy and downright miserable."

"We are talking about goin' swimming right?"

She gave me an even look.

"I didn't bring my swimsuit!" I told her, trying just one more excuse.

She brightened up at that.

"I packed it for you."

So I was out of excuses. And I did want to go swimming. I do go swimming at the mansion sometimes, but usually I have to get up really early to do so, to avoid all the students and people in general.

So we swam, in the huge Olympic sized pool, indoor of course and heated. It was fun and relaxing. The whole time, not once did I worry about my skin. And nobody but us were there for the whole hour and a half that we were there... except for some hotel guy who, after blushing profusely after looking at us both, offered to put up a net in the shallow end so Jubilee and I could play a little water volleyball.

After we were done swimming around, throwing balls and pretending like we were Olympic synchronized swimmers, we raced back up to our room, all giggles and childishness.

We must have made an odd pair, Jubilee and I.

Jubilee with her two piece bright yellow bikini on, with a towel that was barely wrapped around her. And me with my sweats, long gloves and long sleeved shirt that I had put on after we got out of the pool.

We did get a couple curious looks. Or at least I did.

But they weren't as lingering as some looks I have been known to get.

They probably just thought I was some rich? kid, with strange idiosyncrasies.

Rich. I have never seen so many well dressed, mostly clean cut and perfect people. Most everyone looked like they walked out of a magazine and had just gotten plastic surgery. Even a lot of the old people looked younger than they should.

I've never stayed in such a nice place. My memories of a hotel? Or should I say motel. Is usually of a small room that had two beds close together with a TV in front of it, everything crammed in. The bathroom, the usual closet that wasn't really a closet just a rack, and a window that overlooked a parking lot or an outdoor swimming pool, or just the balcony with a view of everyone that had to pass your room to get to theirs. I have been in many like those.

And there was a point in my life a couple years ago, when I was struggling to survive, to eat or even to take a bath, that _that _would have been like heaven to me.

But then! Then! I was living it up. I was feeling good. I was forgetting my problems, and the feelings of dark premonitions.

Not that I don't live well at the Xavier Mansion... I do. I mean I have my own room now. One that is sound proofed so as not to hear everything everywhere. I'm well fed, Xavier always stocks up on everyone's favorite food items, and is more than generous when it comes to requests like for computers, cars or even dental work.

But that was different. It was more of me living my own life then being surrounded by so many people that were trying to influence me, or tell me how to live my live.

It was a relief.

Less of a struggle.

We both took showers and got dressed. I started to wish then that I had brought more clothes, but after I got out of the shower and went to my room, there was a pale green dress lying on my bed. One that I would never typically wear. There was also some fishnet stockings, along with some strangely pleasing gloves, that weren't quite like what I normally where, but still nice.

It didn't even take me a minute to decide to put the clothes on, clothes that fit me, and were obviously bought just for me. I noticed some tags on it, tags that correlated with the small yet expensive clothes shop that we had passed whole going back and forth to the pool. How she had done that without me noticing.. getting me a whole outfit while I had been showering, was something I decided I didn't even want to think about. I was just a little amused. And somewhat pleased.

The dress was a little tighter than I was used to, clinging tightly to my body and showing off more of my figure than I am accustomed to. But I liked it.

It had simple, nice flowing lines, a not too low neck line, and after closer inspection had a sorta way of changing colors when looked at in different lights.

I had blown dry my hair before putting it on, and after I got dressed I pulled my hair back into a French twist letting a couple of my white strands fall loose against my shoulders. I also put on a little powder from my compact, mascara and a soft colored lip gloss.

Then I looked at my self more closely in the mirror.

I couldn't believe it was me.

But it was.

And I was smiling.

Our plans were to go to lunch and than to drive a little and look around for excitement. (The last part were Jubilee's words of course)

If only I had known what was going to occur next. Maybe I wouldn't have left the hotel room. Or maybe I would have. But I would have probably been more hesitant

Jubilee left before me, she wanted to make sure they had tables available. Like I said it's a fancy place, she wasn't sure if she was supposed to reserve a table or something. It ended up that they reserve a certain amount of table's just for the hotel guests so there was no need for her to worry.

So I made my way downstairs several long minutes after her. (I couldn't find my wallet) I took the elevator and didn't even become nervous when more people got on with me. Although I did blush a little when I found I was being stared at. Stared at in a good way. In an appreciative manner.

It had been so long.

So I made my way toward the restaurant and got lost. I thought just following the smells would get me there, but obviously not. People, mostly men.. Two guys to be exact at different intervals, actually approached me and asked if I needed help or was looking for something.. And they weren't even hotel people they were real men. Paying attention to me, and going out of there way to do so.

It threw me off a little. The second guy didn't seem to want to let me out of his sight after we made our way to the restaurant. He was nice enough. All though his eyes wandered a bit too much on me for my taste, and he was little to confident that I was in his clutches.

But I got away from his easily enough after I told him my husband was waiting for me. He wasn't smart enough to look down at my ring finger, or he would have found it bare.

So off I went to find Jubilee. The maitre d' asked if he could help me, but I happened to locate Jubilee so there was no need. He offered me an overly forced smile, told me to enjoy my meal and probably forgot I existed the minute I was out of his sight.

My steps slowed down once I saw that Jubilee was not alone, it had been dark in the restaurant and she had been at such an angle that I had not noticed at first.

Of course they were male. Men.

She was chatting enthusiastically, flirting tremendously, and enjoying herself immensely.

Rogue!" She smiled and winked at me. One of the guys gut up and pulled my chair out. I gave Jubilee a disappointed look and sat down.

"This is my bestest friend in the whole world.. Rogue! Rogue this is Aaron and Tim."

I looked at both of them. They were attractive of course, in there own way. Jubilee does have a knack for attracting good lookers.

Tim looked Chinese almost, probably partly, he had a nice smile, and polite ways. Aaron seemed a little bolder, had light brown hair.. hazel eyes.. he had been the one who had pulled out my chair for me, and it was him, who was looking at me with interest. They both were very well dressed. I hadn't really seem men where suits outside of funerals and church, so being surrounded by two immaculate individuals just to eat or what not and it wasn't even for a special occasion or holiday was.. new to me.

"That is an interesting name.. Rogue... is that your real name?" Aaron asked me, with a twinkle in his eyes.

"It's the one I go by."

That is when the food arrived. Jubilee had obviously ordered for me. But the food was just for her and me. Aaron and Tim took the opportunity to order after the older woman, our waitress, was done putting our food on the table. I took that as a chance to get Jubilee away from the two, grabbing her in a not very subtle manner, I led her to the bathroom. I didn't even wait for the door to shut before I attacked her.

"Jubilee!" was all I had to say and the meaning got across.

"I didn't do anything, they approached me!"

"And y'didn't encourage them?"

Jubilee smiled faintly at that.

"I didn't say that"

"Now we have t'eat with them?"

Jubilee bit her lip and started to look nervous. I knew what that meant.

"What else did you do?"

"Well..." She started and faltered.

"Well!?"

"They are going to take us dancing afterwards." Jubilee said the words so fast that they stuck together.

"What!"

"We don't have to if you don't want to.. I just thought it would be fun!"

"Jubilee!"

"Oh, come on Rogue, you haven't dated anyone since Bobby, you don't try to attract anyone, don't ever go out with anyone, refuse anyone that ever asks you.. isn't it time that you just... just..."

"Just?"

"Had some fun without over analyzing everything!"

She stood there, her hands defiantly on her hips, she wore.. a soft yellow colored dress (of course). That is how I knew it was her in the restaurant even in the dimly lit atmosphere. It was more classy than her normal attire, but suited her well.

"Is that why y'bought me this dress... " I grabbed part of the fabric and let it go. "t'butter me up?"

"I didn't know I was going to meet anyone!"

I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Y'didn't plan this ahead of time?"

"I never met them until about fifteen minutes ago, and I have great taste in clothes don't I! That dress looks great on you! I knew it would! I see you found the shoes also. I know you don't like high heals, but those are shorter, so I knew you wouldn't mind. And those guys! What hotties huh!"

She went on yammering, trying to change the subject or just being her.. Who knows.

I finally agreed to go back, much to Jubilee's surprise. I guess she half expected me to go storming out of the bathroom and back up to our room.

But why not flirt and try to be provocative and alluring. Why not? I would never see those guys again. Couldn't I be a little daring for once?

So we headed back, Jubilees arm linked through mine. Both men rose when we arrived and waited for us to sit down before they did so themselves. I found that kinda funny.

But stopped myself from laughing.

Ten minutes went by, or something like that, might have been longer. We were talking and laughing, eating and joking with one another. You wouldn't have know we had all just met. But I noticed that Aaron seemed to keep glancing at his watch. I asked him about it.

"Our friend John was supposed to meet us here."

The name made me involuntarily freeze for a second. But it was just a name. A name of someone I though was my friend (sorta) and betrayed and left us for the man who had tried to kill me.

But of course it wasn't him, he was off with Magneto, probably terrorizing and planning things that I would probably have to help bring an end to.

Oh, what a world I live in.

But then, suddenly, Jubilee stopped talking. And I watched as her lips formed into a small O and her eyes became large and round. She was looking at someone coming up from being me. I shifted and turned around.

If I was china I would have shattered into pieces.

It was John. A different looking John, not wearing a suit like his friends, but still more dressed up than I had ever seen him. In black slacks and a long sleeved dark blue shirt that had a.. you guessed it.. flame on it. His hair was also different, he had dyed it. It was now an ashy blond.

He was walking toward us, when he noticed me and our eyes locked he stopped walking and stared at me. He recovered relatively quickly though, sauntered over to us. Stopped right in front of me.

"Rogue." he sad simply, ignoring Jubilee completely.

"You know her?" Aaron asked, a hint of envy lining his words that even I could make out.

"We used to live together." John said, taking the empty seat next to me. He was still watching me. I know I had my eyes on his as well. I mean what were the chances? I had been thinking about him earlier, and suddenly there he was, right in front of me, different but the same.

The same bad boyish type of attitude permeating from his being, the same devious smile that could mean many things.

I lost my appetite the minute I saw him. And knew he was trying to imply there was something between us with that remark but I was too stunned to clarify it.

When he sat down beside me, I hurriedly stood up. Knocking the chair behind me away and over.

Luckily the restaurant wasn't very full so there weren't too many inquisitive people watching my display. Not that I would have cared.

So I stood there, wanting to leave and yet wanting to scream at the same time. I finally did the first thing that sprung to mind.

I slapped him. Hard. I have never really slapped anyone like that before. I must say it brought me pleasure. It also hurt my hand. John must have been expecting something like that because he took it well, if someone can take a slap across the face well.

Suddenly I felt that if John was with Aaron and Tim that somehow, some way, they were probably part of Magneto's group.

And I had been eating with them, having a good time.

I felt sick to my stomach.

Jubilee got up and started coming toward me, but before she reached me John sprung out of his chair, grabbed my hand and pulled me unwillingly away from the group.

Jubilee shouted out a protest, but Johns harsh words stopped her in her tracks.

"Rogue and I are going to talk, sit back down and entertain my friends."

I knew then that she was two seconds away from letting loose some scorching colorful power from her fingertips, or at the very least jump over the table and hurt Pyro, John, whatever you want to call him these days. She was down right furious at his words. At his tone. At his demands.

But I stopped her, with a look. One that let her know that I would be OK and that I could handle myself. I left her behind with the two guys, and I heard a couple of their words to Jubilee as they tried to apologize for John. She sat down in a very showy, unwilling manner and didn't look very happy. Although the sudden onslaught of extra attention she was getting from Tim and Aaron did seem to please her.

When we left the restaurant, I got myself loose from John's grip, in a not too polite manner. In a way that left him on the ground staring up at me slightly astounded.

It was my turn to wear the devilish smile.

"You've been learning." He said while getting himself off the ground slowly, giving detestable looks to the couple people that stared at him as they passed. He dusted himself off and approached me again. This time he didn't try to touch me. He was learning. But he was still determined to talk to me.

And I was walking away from him.

I was angry and miffed. I tried to get away and everything came back. Everthing followed me.

Maybe that is how it is supposed to be with me.

"Rogue!" John said in such a way that was supposed to make me stop. I just picked up my pace.

But then I was obstructed by a large group of people, business people by the looks of it that were blocking my path to the elevator.

So I turned around and headed toward the stairs. It was only ten flights back up to my room.

But I didn't climb any of them. What was I afraid of anyway? Certainly not John.

So why not let him say what he had to say. It might be interesting.

I sat down on the lower step and waited.

When he finally arrived, I remember I was thinking at that time, that I hoped my dress wasn't getting dirty. Because I had already grown attached to it in the short time I had been wearing it.

Kinda funny now that I think about it.

"You've changed." Were his first words to me after he came upon me. "You've grown... colder..." He laughed shortly. "I guess that is what you get for being with Bobby."

I stood up and just looked at him. He started shifting around. I noticed then that he didn't have his lighter. That is what he usually would have been doing when he got nervous. And he did look a little nervous.

Click. Click. Click.

It would have been in the past. But there was none of that. He didn't seem to be carrying a lighter.

"I'm not with Bobby anymore."

"You got tired of him?"

"No he just got tired of not bein' able t'touch me."

"I'm sorry." He said with actual sympathy. But I was having none of that.

"You're sorry!" I lashed out angrily. "If you're going t'be sorry, be sorry for how y'treated me! How y'treated us all!"

He got mad then too.

"I couldn't stay in that sterilized goody, goody environment any longer.. You knew I wasn't happy there!"

"Are y'happy now?" I asked softly, looking at him intently.

"Happiness is no longer something I seek." John told me sullenly.

"Just destruction and malice toward anyone that wrongs you... or supposedly wrongs you."

"So you're a believer are you?"

"Believer?"

"Of Xavier and his lofty ideals... of harmony between mutants and humans." His words were becoming more and more bitter, and he started to pace, no longer looking at me. "Its not going to happen.. not now... not in the future, no matter how hard you try!"

I couldn't believe it, I was in the stairway talking to someone who was now my enemy having a somewhat philosophical debate.

"If that is true than it will be that way because of people like Magneto, a person who will do anythin' or sacrifice anyone t'reach his distorted goals!"

He stopped pacing then and looked at me with sudden realization, I knew what he was remembering, I knew what he was thinking when his gaze lingering on my very evident white strips.

I shivered.

"He didn't have any other choice he had to.."

"Kill me?"

"You don't look dead to me." John looked me over in such a way that should have made me blush, but I was too angry to pay any mind to that.

"He wanted me dead and I would be if it weren't for.."

"Wolverine." He said interrupting me, as he spat out that name with distaste.

"I was going t'say the X-men, but yeah, Logan helped me too."

"Still pining away for the wolf man?"

"Still being an ass?"

"Still beautiful when your angry."

He made sure I was looking at him when he said that, I don't know what kind of reaction he was expecting. Of course I knew how he felt about me, I had absorbed a little of him a year or so ago, and although it wasn't overwhelming like Erik's or Logan's personality had been since we didn't touch very long, I still had some of his memories and thoughts.

I knew he found me attractive, knew that he never did anything about it because Bobby was already there, and he didn't want to cross him out of their friendship. John didn't make friends easily and stayed loyal to them when he did.

But that's a laugh. Since he obviously didn't think about what it would do to us, his defecting to the other side and all.

I knew how he was thrown in one foster family after another, nobody ever wanting him, although some held on to him a little longer than usual, just to get the money. Money that they would then use on themselves and not him like they were supposed to. I know the beatings he endured, the loneliness he felt. The bitterness.

The anger. The hate. His Fears, His Insecurities. The power he felt when he let his mutation show. Let the fire inside of him loose into a more tangible, burning form.

I know how when the Professor finally found him, how he went with him just because he had no other options and was at his wits end.

I know how he felt when I touched him, pain, and yet a longing that I was touching him in a more, well, different way.

All that went through my head and more as his gaze lingered on mine.

"What do you want Pyro?" I snapped at him. He flinched when I called him that. Just the reaction I had been looking for.

"I just wanted to talk to you!" He took a couple steps toward me, I stayed put. "Is it so hard to believe that I... that I.." He started struggling with his words.

"Missed me?" I scoffed. "Why? We were never really friends and you betrayed us... I should.. should... hate you!"

He seemed to think about that for a moment.

"Do you hate me Rogue?" He asked quietly while staring at the steps behind me.

"No, I don't hate you... but... I do feel sorry for you."

"Sorry for me!" John yelled at me and took two more steps toward me, he looked as if he wanted to grab me and shake me, but then thought better of it as he put his hands back down to his sides.

"Save your pity for someone who gives a damn!"

Those words hurt me more than I would have believed they could. He turned then, opened the door and stormed out leaving me. I was alone.

All alone.

Just like him.

I was left there with tears stinging in my eyes, because I was thinking about Magneto. His leader.

I know how far Magneto is willing to go, how many people he is willing to sacrifice for his cause. Oddly enough his own self is not on that list. He deems himself too important. A leader among true mutants. And even him thinking of Charles as a friend I know he would kill him if the need arise and their would be hardly any remorse, just a sense of loss for the man he could never convert to his ways. At least that is what he would tell him self while he did the thing. Afterwards I know he would regret it terribly and suffer horribly...

So if he was willing to sacrifice his only true friend in this world, I knew he would think nothing of sending John off to his death. Or anyone else for that matter.

I also know how charismatic he can be, how able he is to tell people exactly what they want to hear.

How he can use others pain toward his advantage.

So that incident in the stairway happened over two hours ago. I went back to my room after that. Somber and quiet. And contemplative.

Jubilee came back not long after I did. We talked for a minute and then she gave me some space and let me know that she saved my food for me. (Whoop de doo) She did tell me that Aaron and Tim weren't mutants, just friends of John's that he had met a couple months ago at some concert or another. That relieved me a little. She also told me Aaron was inquiring about me and asking her a lot of questions, and that John never returned to the table nor did she see him anywhere around.

She didn't know John like I did, I mean I might not have really known him, he was always a closed off sort of person, but absorbing him like I did quickly caught me up to him. She also didn't understand why the encounter had affected me so, though Jubilee was surprised to see him there and she let me know in vivid detail what she wanted to do to him because of the way he had treated her.. She asked me in a way that was supposed to be humorous, if we should call the Professor and let him know. For where John was, surely Magneto couldn't be far away.

That remark made me even more miserable. And apprehensive.

So Jubilee gave me time to myself for a while and went and watched TV while I sat here typing away on my computer in a fevered manner. But now she is back and I know she wants to do something. I am becoming tired, but I know my day is not going to end quite yet.

Jubilee still wants to go out, with Aaron and Tim none the less, but I made it quite clear that I wouldn't be comfortable with that... But to tell you the truth what good would it do to sit here an sulk? So we will go out, but not with John's friends.

So that is all for today. I am sure more is to follow.

After all, this was just day one, and we are going to be here for three days.

But I am going to try to make the best of it. If not for myself then for Jubilee.


	16. Thursday May 20 2010

Well we have been here three days now. We will be checking out tomorrow morning.

I have had fun. A lot of fun. So has Jubilee. Probably even more than me.

We have shopped, bought new clothes, and a lot of knickknacks that will probably end up in a back of a closet or some other forgettable place. We have gotten junk food and filled ourselves to bursting. Watched old movies including ones with Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable and others. We have stayed up real late, slept in even later and eaten breakfast two times past one. We have gone out dancing, (still can't believe that one myself) out to restaurants, walking and exercised here and there just because we could.

Obviously I have gotten over that first day since we arrived, didn't let it ruin everything and depress me... I didn't think I was going to see John again so I tried to put him out of my mind. I have seen his friends here and there, (we always seem to be bumping into them) and it wasn't as awkward as I would have thought. Aaron is rather nice, and he is rather good looking, so while Jubilee has flirted with every male creature above 16, I have just settled for flirting with Aaron. It's kinda interesting. He is too. Sometimes I feel so unlike me.. laughing, joking... smiling, touching more than usual..

I guess it helps that Aaron knows that I am a mutant and what my mutation is, I'm always surprised when a person isn't deterred by that. (Jubilee no longer hides that fact with any potential boyfriend so she told Tim and Tim told Aaron- I don't know if that is the smartest thing in the world, what with all the mutant haters out there, but Jubilee can handle herself.) So I don't have to hide anything from him, or feel devious. I haven't asked him about John, and he doesn't really talk about him. He wanted my phone number, (he was leaving the hotel and going back to his apartment. Tim and him run a computer business together, he did tell me where but I wasn't paying attention at the time, I think somewhere in New York or near by.) and although we have become a little friendly, I didn't want to.. so he had to settle with my e-mail address.

The next morning after his departure, our door bell rang, after I got out of bed (Jubilee can sleep through an earthquake) and answered the door, a bell boy was holding a vase full of pink roses along with an envelope. I motioned for him to put them on the table in front of him, and got some tip money for him which we had on the fire place mantel for easy access.

I figured the flowers were for Jubilee from one of her conquests, but was delighted when I saw it was for me, from Aaron of course.

I opened the envelope after the deliverer departed, but not before smelling and touching the roses. (Roses aren't my favorite, but I do like flowers.)

The note said something like: Rogue glad we met, hope we can stay in touch. Along with a couple compliments, his phone #, address and e-mail address.

It was a nice sentiment. But I probably won't ever see him again. There is a part of me that doesn't want to. I mean I am not like I was the last two days. That is carefree, worry free (or at least trying to be) not weighed down by her mutation (or trying not to be) Rogue.

So if he saw me the way I usually am. He probably wouldn't think me so fascinating.

I went back to sleep for a couple more hours, and was wakened by Jubilee who let me know she had a date with a masseur name Jacques.

I took that as my cue to get up, it was 11 PM, and I had probably slept long enough.. If I sleep too long I get headaches anyway.

So I went into the living room, after getting into some loose sweats and a T-shirt and popped in a CD. I also made sure our door was unlocked since Jubilee doesn't like to burdened with extras when she is wandering around the hotel (I have been the one who has to keep track of the keys- or at least it was keys until Jubilee lost hers.. so key) and started to do what I try to do as many mornings as possible.

Tai Chi.

It stretches out my body, and leaves me feeling energized.

This morning (afternoon) was no different. I started with brushing knee and moved on to more complicated movements. It helps me focus.

So there I was getting lost in the loud music, and the rhythmic flowing movements, when the doorbell rang. Obviously it wasn't Jubilee, so I figured it was a maid bringing more towels or wanting to know if the room needed cleaning.

I shouted that the door was unlocked and that they could leave the towels on the front table, and that we didn't need any cleaning that day.

Only it wasn't a maid, let alone anyone with towels.

It was John.

The last person I expected to see.

I didn't know it was him for a couple minutes, I was so absorbed in what I was doing, that I didn't even realize that I was being watched.

But then the CD came to and end. And when I turned around, there he was. Sitting on the couch, watching me, as if it was something he could get used to. And looking quite comfortable as well.

"You really do that well," He told me, with one of his overly cocky smiles plastered on his face. "Make it your own... what is that karate?"

"Tai chi," I said curtly, upset a little at his impromptu appearance. "What are y'doin' here John?" He got up off the couch, started rubbing the back of his neck, and then looked up at me rather sheepishly.

"I saw Aaron and Tim yesterday, they said Jubilee and you were leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah, so?"

"About Monday..."

"Yes?"

"I didn't mean to be.."

"Yes?"

"Can you let me finish a sentence?" He spat out at me as he glared halfheartedly at me.

I grabbed my bottle of water and sat down, after opening it and taking a swallow, I watched him carefully.

"It was just seeing you, I didn't think I would ever again.. at least not like this," H waved his hands around. "in such normal surroundings it kind of threw me off."

"It was strange for me too."

He sat back down on the couch and looked down at the rug. Then he started to look the room over.

"Nice room you got here." He said with sudden acidity. Probably thinking Xavier was footing the bill, in all actuality he wasn't. I told Jubilee I would pay for it. I make money here and there doing odd jobs for the Professor, and have saved up quite a bit. I wanted this to be all ours, and how could it be if Xavier was left with paying for it all.

"Unfortunately it's not permanent." I told him. Ignoring his tone of voice and inference, like I was going to explain it to him, it was really none of his business.

That caught his attention for some reason. As he turned his eyes back toward me.

"Would you want it to be?"

"Livin' in luxury, havin' room service, maids... no I think it would be too much of a strain on me." He frowned at that. I got up, took my CD out of the player and put it back in it's case. I wasn't exactly nervous but suddenly I felt the need to do something.

"I meant living away from Xavier, away from rules and regulations, training and being treated like a useless kid." John's voice held the same sardonic attitude that my previous statement had held. We both are proficient in being bitter it would seem.

I put the CD down on the table along with some others and turned around.

Was I still being treated like a kid? I guess in some ways, Yes. I was part of the X-men, but sometimes didn't feel like one of them. Didn't feel like part of the team. But maybe that was just me. I have been given greater responsibilities, harder tasks, but, I still don't quite feel like an equal, not to Storm or Cyclops or even Wolverine.

And there is a big part of me that wants to be.

"That's sorta why we are here, it was time t'get away for a while.. and um," I swallowed, and averted my eyes. "Things have been happenin' and.. well, sometimes I do feel a little suffocated there... as if..."

"You're not living your own life?" He shot out at me with sudden understanding.

"Maybe my life isn't mine to live, maybe that is why I was given this.." I looked down at my gloved hands, pausing as I did so. "gift.. to give my life purpose, and do something for others instead of just for myself."

Who was I trying to convince, him or me?

"Do you really feel like your life isn't yours?"

"Do you?"

"Once," John said darkly, obviously thinking back on his past. "But not anymore." He looked up at me. "My life is mine. My power is mine to use, and I do have a right to live my life the way I want without being shaped by others."

"Isn't that what Magneto is doin' t'you? Moldin' y'into a clone of himself? T'hate the world and all the humans in it? T'do what y'must t'survive... t'reach dominance, even if that means y'have t'walk over a lot of innocent people t'do so?"

"No," John said readily. "He let's me be my own person. He guides me but doesn't force his views on me. He leads me but gives me a reason to follow him. He allows me let loose my powers without feeling guilty for doing so, and the people we walk over deserve to be." His words ended with slight hostility, obviously he had been thinking about all the people that had done him wrong. I wondered if I was on that list. And I also wondered how many he had scratched off of it, how many he had exacted his revenge on.

I guess I could have argued further on that point, but suddenly didn't want to. I sat back down slowly in the chair and looked out the window. I knew whatever I said to John wouldn't matter, he had is mind made up, and well, so did I... Sometimes, on rather dark and bleak days, I wonder what would have happened if Magneto approached me to recruit me, not to kill me... Finding me before I ever met Logan or the X-men. I mean sometimes things are just a matter of timing.

"Speakin' of Magneto," I managed to say his name without the usual detest. "You're not here because of him are you?"

"Are you here because of Xavier?"

We both looked at one another and both shook our heads no. Either of us could have been lying.

"Magneto lets you leave his fortress of doom?" I questioned him, thinking of metal, metal and more metal.. That is probably what Magneto's lair is made out of, and now where John calls home. I bet it is a cold place.

He grinned at what I said.

"Xavier lets you leave his Mansion of forced tranquillity?"

"I didn't ask."

"And they aren't sending out the hounds to find and bring you back?"

I knew what he meant by hounds, Wolverine, who else would he have meant? I had been smiling before he said that, thinking how good I felt living outside the rules, being reckless, spontaneous.

"I left a note." I said shortly, I then got up and went to the kitchen, he followed after me.

I went to the small fridge, threw my bottle of water in it and slammed the door shut.

"Did I say something wrong?" He was standing by the kitchen table looking at me with what seemed to be concern. His words were hard though. Almost harsh.

We had talked about Magneto and Xavier, our choices, responsibilities and what not, and I had been fine, but bring up Logan and well, what is wrong with me! Someone kick me in the head. My brain needs adjusting.

I let out a long sigh before looking at him again.

"It's nothin'!"

He approached me slowly, his expression still one of doubt. And maybe a little paranoia.

"It doesn't sound like nothing." John didn't make a move to touch me, but I still hold the belief that he wanted to.

"What does it matter.. do y'really care?.. Do y'care that Logan is with Ororo, that Bobby is with Kitty that... that..?" I stopped for a second, I was babbling and becoming flustered with sudden anger.

"Does it have to do with Wolverine being with Storm?" He asked so gently, almost quietly, strange for him. Now that I think about it now, it is kinda funny that he didn't even bother asking how I felt about Bobby and Kitty being together. Maybe when I said their names together, I didn't really give way to any negative emotion. Maybe he believed I was over it. Him. Bobby. Of course I am, but the rejection and deceit stays with me... Of course, maybe he just didn't want to talk about Bobby.

I sat down at the table with a thump, he pulled out a chair across from me and sat down. His gaze eagerly upon me as he waited for me to respond.

"No, not really... it's just that I sorta believed I had a..." I stopped talking realizing what I was about to say, and how foolish I would sound.

"Future with him?" John asked, his words even, not lined with humor, or disgust, just a belief that what he spoke was the truth.

My eyes widened at that. And I became embarrassed.

"Everybody knew how you felt about him Rogue, even Bobby."

At one point that would have surprised me, but I guess there was a part of me that knew, he knew. And knew that everybody else knew also. Probably even Logan. But do I still feel the same? Maybe not.

I felt odd then, sitting at that table talking to John. Like I had never done when he had still been at the mansion, because Bobby was always around and John was his friend and not really mine, but then, then we were on opposite sides, although away from Magneto, away from Xavier, we were able to talk to one another on friendly terms.

I also knew this would probably be the first and last time. Second if you include the time in the stairway, although that wasn't quite friendly.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked me, bringing me out of my reverie.

"Life."

His eyes burned with humor at that.

"Is that all?" He grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl without bothering to ask and took a bite out of it. John had always been like that... taking without asking, doing without thinking it through. Not the worst of traits, just sometimes a little irritating, not to mention it always got him in a lot of trouble.

I watched him as he did so. I saw when he reached for that apple, something stick out past his jacket, some sort of device that he was wearing around his wrist. It looked like metal, although I didn't think it was a bracelet or watch.

Without thinking I grabbed his hand and pulled down his sleeve. He didn't seemed stunned by my action, maybe a little amused though.

"Flame throwers," He told me, sudden pride in his voice. "Much better then a lighter, much more assessable and ideal, especially when needed for fighting."

I didn't even think then why he was wearing them while he was with me, maybe he always does and I just hadn't noticed them that first night, I had been too busy being mad.

I lightly traced my fingers down the foreign shiny object on his right lower hand, he didn't seem to mind at first, but after a couple seconds he grabbed his hand away from mine.

"You're not the only one learning new things."

I know he meant that comment to be light and full of mirth, but it struck me wrong. I guess my expression showed that since we both suddenly had nothing to say to one another.

"Where's the walking firecracker?" John finally asked, breaking the silence after he finished eating the apple. He got up and threw it away in a trash basket. Leaning against the kitchen counter he waited for my response.

I don't think he really cared about where Jubilee was, I think however he did care about when she was going to be back. I guess he wanted to avoid her. I don't think he likes her. I doubt if he ever did.

"Gettin' a massage."

He seemed tickled at that.

"Sounds like something she would be doing."

He looked at the clock on the wall past me.

"I should be going... I didn't mean to stay so long as it is... I just didn't want you to leave without me telling you goodbye."

"Bye."

I got up from the table, fully aware that he was watching me the entire time. He was no longer leaning on the counter, but apart from that he showed no signs of moving. I didn't know what I was doing until I did it. I approached him slowly and hugged him. At first he was stiff and somewhat unresponsive, but then after several short seconds, he returned the hug, and leaned into me further as he wrapped his arms around me. I have never hugged John before, I never thought of him as a hugging type of person, but he didn't seem to mind it.

He was quite gentle about the whole thing, as if I was some doll and he was afraid he was going to hurt me. (Or maybe he still had memories of what it was like if we accidentally touched and he didn't want to repeat that.) He also seemed to relish in it. Maybe even understand that it was sort of a parting gift that I was offering him.

I enjoyed it too. He had such a nice scent about him, kinda soapy and a light hint of a cologne that actually smelled a little like smoke. He was so warm, almost hot. I could feel his body heat so clearly that it almost was like he wasn't wearing the shirt and leather jacket that covered his body.

I was very much aware of him, more at that moment then I have ever been before.

It was setting my insides ablaze and soft sparks of desire shot through my body.

All that from a hug. And from John of all people. My enemy. Magneto's follower.

Am I physically repressed or what!

When those emotions started playing inside of me I knew it was time to let go of him. We parted, somewhat slowly, and I suddenly couldn't look at him.

"You know," He said huskily, "The next time we probably meet.."

"Will be on opposite sides of the line?" I said, finally meeting his eyes.

"Yeah."

I frowned.

"Too bad, we might have had something together." I still can't believe I said that to him. Blame it on all those old movies Jubilee and I had watched, the line seemed like it came out of one of those. I'm sure all the sugar I have been consuming lately also played a part. And it didn't hurt that John was attractive. Those bad boys always are. And it would be a lie to say I didn't look at him when I was with Bobby. But I am a one man woman, so I didn't really think about him. "I'll try t'put you out of your misery with as little pain as possible."

I had been trying to be funny, especially with the last words, but I could see that he didn't find it as such.

"I don't want to fight you Rogue." John said, suddenly very serious.

"Maybe it won't come t'that, y'could come back with m..."

He interrupted me, shook his head no and look at me with sadness and determination.

"I'll never belong with Xavier... But _you_ could always come with me."

"I would never willingly join Magneto!" I said Magneto, even though he never did. But what else could he have meant? I know I kinda scare him, what with my skin and all, and know he wouldn't want to start up anything serious with me. Right? Right! And there are more things than just my skin that would keep us apart. Like what is considered right or wrong, good or evil..

"I know," He said gravely "but it was worth asking..."

John grabbed my left gloved hand, gave it a squeeze that actually hurt, and turned and left.

I watched him go and didn't take my eyes off him until he closed the door behind him. I knew the next time I saw him, He would be Pyro and I would be, well, I would be me.

Rogue.

The rest of the day passed relatively quickly, before I knew it, it was morning and Jubilee and I were heading back to the mansion.

Both of us had a hard time leaving, we had packed the night before, everything was ready to go.

Except for us.

But it had to be done.

The ride back started out rather quietly, neither one of us had gotten much sleep. We had stayed up really late talking.

I told her about how, a couple days ago, I was able to use Magneto's and Logan's power.

"That sounds really cool!" She told me, not worried or anxious about it like I was. That's Jubilee for you.

We talked about other things also, even John, Aaron, and a couple other guys that Jubilee had met.

She has a small address book she always carried around with her and she boastfully told me how it now has eleven new names in it.

Male of course.

So much for her old boyfriend Mike.

She has already forgotten him, although his rejection over her being a mutant probably still remains.

As we drove back we became a little more cheerful, we even managed to find a radio station we could both listen to without having to argue.

Every gas station we stopped at along the way we got cokes and Pepsi and lots of sugar products.

Needless to say by the time we got back to the mansion, hours later, we were both hyper and not acting our age.

But we were both feeling good.

After we parked the car, Jubilee took the keys out of the ignition and looked at me.

"You think the Professor is going to be mad at us?"

I thought he was more likely to be angry at me than her. I mean I was supposed to have at least one "talking" session with him while we were gone. And I haven't even told him how I was able to use others people's powers... people I have absorbed over a year ago. Not that I have these past few days.. not that I have tried.. Maybe it has faded?

"I don't know Jubilee, does it matter?"

"Not really," She said, giving me a half smile. "Just would like to get to my room and get some sleep without having to endure a lecture beforehand."

I knew what she meant. I was tired as well, even if I was still slightly full of artificial energy.

So we got our bags and our souvenirs out of the car, and were actually able to make it up to our rooms without our bumping into anyone of consequence.

We parted and headed off to each of our bedrooms.

Happy.

Yes, I was happy too.

And becoming more and more sleepy.

I managed to throw my bag in front of my closet, the new clothes I bought and other miscellaneous items in front of my night stand. And me?

I flopped on the bed, grabbing a pillow. And laid there for a good five seconds before I realized I was going to have to get back up to at least close my blinds, so that the sun wasn't shining at full force on me where I was trying to sleep.

So I managed that, dropped back on the bed, and thought how wonderful it felt. And how nice it was to be back in _my_ room.

And then the knocking started.

It was a soft, polite knock so I knew it wasn't Jubilee.

I didn't want to ask who it was, let alone have to get off the bed again.

I just laid there hoping whoever it was was going to go away.

I had no such luck though.

"Rogue?"

It was Scott.

I knew I had to answer it with the way he was saying my name. I knew he wouldn't go away until I did.

So I did so, very unwillingly, and very lethargically.

"Did y'need something Scott?" I asked, after opening my door.

"Just wanted to make sure you're ok."

"I'm fine Scott." I told him with a yawn.

"You cut your hair!" He said after he got a better look at me. I opened my door and let him into my darkened room.

"Yeah." actually it was more of a trim than a cut, but I was to tired too correct him.

"It looks nice."

"Thanks." I sat down on my bed and brought the pillow into my lap. I waited for him to say whatever it was he came there for so I could go back to trying to sleep.

"I wanted to see if you were up to going with me to pick up some supplies later tonight."

That is what he came to ask me? It couldn't wait?

"Umm."

"I'll even let you fly the Blackbird." If the jet was being taken that meant the supplies we were picking up were of a more secretive variety, and that was a little more interesting.

"When?" I asked looking at my clock that brightly shone 2:39 PM in green digits.

"Around 11:30."

"So late?"

"Well when you need certain things like we do, and don't want to draw attention to yourself, sometimes it's better to do things unconventionally."

"I 'spose so." I said yawning again.

"So meet me down at the hangar at 10:15?"

"OK."

He started walking out of my room, I started to lay back down.

But was stopped when Scott paused while he was closing my door, turned around he looked back at me.

"It's good to have you back here Rogue, You were missed." He said the words softy, with layers of warmth in them.

It was nice.

"Thanks Scott."

He closed the door. I didn't go to sleep right away. I was suddenly being flooded with thought after thought after thought.

But they slowed down like they always do, and I did manage to get a couple hours of sleep.

But I have to go now, wanted to grab a sandwich or something before heading off to the hangar, could check up on Jubilee but I know she is still sleeping.

Until next time. And there will be a next time.

There always is.


	17. Friday May 21 2010

I remember my head hurt. That was my first memory when I woke up and pulled myself from the void that was trying to swallow me whole. And my eyes burned. Wasn't the most pleasant sensation in the world. I started to open my eyes but Scott shouted at me not to, so I closed them as quickly as I could, but not before I felt a burst of energy and saw a blast of red leave my eyes.

That hurt.

And then debris started to fall. I felt Scott pick me up, with a little difficulty and drag me out of the jet.

"Keep your eyes closed Rogue, I accidentally touched you." He said the words with regret and urgency and something else I couldn't quite place.

But I already knew that he had. I was being bombarded with his emotions, thoughts and some recent memories...

I suppose I should explain what happened, you see we were flying the Blackbird to a facility in West Virginia to pick up equipment, everything was going smoothly until we reached our destination. The landing area wasn't lit like Scott said it was supposed to be and there was no activity going on below..

"Something isn't right!" Scott informed me after scanning the area below us with special sensory equipment. And that is when we were hit.

"Some sort of EMP blast!" Scott shouted, after looking over the controls. He nearly had to scream to be heard over the sudden forced turbulence. I watched in horror as one by one all the jets controls started blinking out and turning themselves off.

"I thought we were protected from that!" I shouted back at him.

Scott took over the controls, not that it did much good, they were still non-responsive.

"We are! This shouldn't be happening!"

But it did, and we crashed.

One good thing the safety equipment for the jet was not electronic, or else we would be dead.

I remember the fall vividly, both through my eyes and Scott's.

We had been pretty low to the ground, so we didn't have far to fall, but when we impacted, the jolt still made me pass out from the sudden impact.

I know Scott stayed conscious, he had been hit by some kind of metal part that had come loose from somewhere inside the jet.. a sharp thing that tore into his leg, the pain kept him awake.

I could see from his memories.. Scott unbuckling me, and taking me out of the chair. He was quite calm, and quite in control under the circumstances.. Even if his leg hurt and was bleeding rather profusely. That is when he accidentally touched me, my shirt had gotten torn up from the rough and jittery landing, and his bare hand made contact with my back when he lifted me out. He barely managed to put me on the ground, before he dropped me.

And then I knew. A lot more than he wanted me to.

I knew that we had no way of contacting the mansion, all our equipment had been burned out and fried, even his cell phone. I knew that Scott saw, just before the radar blinked out, that small objects were closing in on us. Probably vehicles, and for some reason, they were after us. He had methodically taken stock of the situation, weighed out his options and decided the first thing that had to be done was to get away from were we were. Leave the downed jet, find a phone. Get help. I knew he was worried about who was coming after us, but he would do what he had to do for us to come out of the confrontation. Scott also knew by the way that they were converging on our position, that they weren't sure exactly where we were (where we had crashed), but they would find us if we didn't move.

And that wasn't the most interesting part.

I knew how he felt about me, the steamy dreams he had been having about me lately that I could recall as if they were my own. The ones that he wakes up from, sweating and slightly shaken, and filled with a longing.. But he wasn't just craving me to touch, he wanted me to love. And me to love him. But Scott was afraid, Afraid that I didn't return his feelings. For I showed no sign that I was interested in a romantic relationship with him or anyone else.

He also didn't want to lose my friendship. Something he had come to depend on, especially over the last couple months. I had brought him out of the darkness back into the light. Brought him hope when he had none, laughter and happiness when he had almost forgotten what they were. I brought him back to life.

Scott didn't know if was to soon to be feeling this way about someone.. after Jean.. He thought maybe I was in love with Logan, or maybe hung up on Bobby. But Scott knew he was going to have to make an overture to me eventually, he had to try.

That is some of the things that went through my head as Scott dragged me out of the jet. He put me down on the ground carefully.

"Are you OK Rogue?" His worry for me was of a different variety, I haven't heard that tone of voice that he was using with me before. It was new.

I realized I was slightly uncomfortable. For Scott had to know that I got a good dose of him back there. But we didn't have time to talk about it, or for me to linger in more of his thoughts. Or lose myself in his sudden presence in my head.

"We have to get away from here Rogue, I think we passed over a town on our way here, but we got a little turned around when we were hit.. we have to get to a phone!"

I listened to him, But was unable to look at him.. I was afraid to open my eyes. But already the pain behind my eyes was slowly dissipating.

Suddenly I felt glasses being put delicately over my eyes.

"You can open your eyes." I touched the glasses, knowing they were a pair of his, a memory of him getting them flashed through my head.

I opened them attentively, everything was splashed in red. Red trees, red road, red crashed jet that now had a sunroof. I realized I must have done that.

Whoops.

I guess he was getting worried that I wasn't saying anything.

"Rogue?"

I looked up at him, and got up on my feet a little shakily, I managed without any assistance from him. Even if he was more than willing to help me. I knew I was OK. Scott had already looked my over and checked for injuries. I knew I had a cut on my head. But he had already placed a bandage on it.

I looked down at Scott's leg. I know that he had been wearing some tan slacks, but now they almost looked pink, pink with dark splotches here and there. I saw the jeans I was wearing were intact, and except for some gashes in my shirt, my clothes were relatively unscathed..

But we were in trouble.

"I.. I think I am OK Scott.. but what about you?" I couldn't help but look back down at his leg. It didn't look good.

"My leg looks worse than it is.. Don't worry about me.. we have to get a move on." The urgency was back in his tone.

I saw after focusing on Scott that he had a bag over his shoulder, it was emergency supplies, first aid kit, cash, credit cards, a cell phone which of course wasn't working, id's, some nutrition bars, water, matches etc. Funny how I suddenly knew everything that was in there. Maybe that was the Scott in me.

"I can take the bag.." I said knowing he was injured and didn't need to be weighed down by it.

"It's kind of heavy."

I grunted.

"I can handle it."

Scott handed the bag to me, he was right it was heavy.

So we were off, Scott explained to me what I already knew, how people were after us and we how we had to contact the mansion ASAP. He hoped that nobody would find the jet, (it had been hard for him to make the decision to leave it behind) but knew that was probably inevitable. Scott kept talking, about different things, trying to keep our minds busy from whoever or whatever was pursuing us.

He should have known my mind was busy as it was. Him having just touching me and all. I knew I was lucky it happened only for a couple seconds or his personality might have been overwhelming and then what good would I have been to him? Even if this time it seemed a little easier to control. Maybe I am starting to get the hang of my mutation. Maybe I am just imaging things.

So we walked, and walked and walked some more.

About thirty minutes into it Scott started limping very noticeably, an hour after that he had to lean on me for support. I was getting worried. Thankfully lights were coming into view. It was a town, what looked to be a very small town. But it would do.

We had been walking along a deserted highway, byway, or back road, not entirely sure. We tried to stay behind trees and shrubbery but it wasn't always possible. No cars passed us though. It was a nice night, albeit a little cold. I hadn't bothered to bring a jacket, so Scott ended up giving me his, even after I argued profusely with him that I didn't need it.

When I saw the big green sign, one that read "Welcome to Elkins Population 7032" I got a little bolder and started to ask him questions. Or question.

"Who do y'think those people are?" I knew Scott didn't know at the time he had touched me, but maybe he had formed a conclusion on it by then.

"I don't know but whoever they are, they aren't friendly." As if I hadn't known that! They did make us crash, obviously with the intention to kill.

My question and his answer left us both silent and sullen. Scott's brow became furrowed in heavy concentration, or from pain. Maybe both.

He made me leave him on the outside of town and gave me cash with the duty of finding a room for us to stay in. So we could get out of sight. It didn't take me long, there was only one hotel close by.

Before I left I had taken my hair out of the ponytail, combed through it with my fingers, (Thank God my gloves didn't have any tears in it and good thing I had opted to wear my more expensive and durable pair for the trip.) wiped the dust and dirt off me. I wanted to look a little more normal, not like I had just been in an accident, or had been shot down out of the sky probably because I was a mutant.

Scott had stopped me before I left him.

"Wait Rogue." He grabbed a cloth out of the bag, spat on it and wiped my face on the left side under my sunglasses.

"Had a little blood on it." I thanked him after I stared at him with bemusement, and then I was on my way.

So I got us a room, it was kinda small, (especially after what I had just stayed in the day before) but it had two beds, a small kitchen and a phone. It would do.

I went back for Scott and brought him to the room.

"You did good Rogue."

Not like it had been difficult, except for me having to wake the manager who had been sleeping behind the counter. And they had plenty of rooms available.

But the compliment was appreciated.

With Scott's direction I grabbed a phone card out of the bag and dialed the long number. Then I handed the phone to Scott. The call took less than two minutes.

"They will be here in a couple hours." He was frowning and didn't look too pleased. I knew what that meant. We weren't safe. Not that I believed we were.

Scott felt that whoever it was was going to find us. And in such a small town how hard would it be to figure out where we had gone? It was just a matter of time.

"Maybe they aren't still after us.." I told him trying to be hopeful. He didn't say anything to that. Scott still looked slightly perturbed. "I should change your bandage."

He thought about that for a second and then nodded his head. I helped him off the chair he had been sitting in and deposited him on the bed. Needless to say I wasn't thinking about his leg when I did that. I was thinking about his dreams.

The ones where he was kissing me without anything in between us. Nothing hindering our touch. Our pleasure. Our sinful sensations as everything became chaotic. I must have been staring off into space, or gone a little blank, because suddenly Scott was calling my name.

I shook my head hoping maybe that would throw some of his distracting thoughts out of my head and went and got the first aid kit. It took some doing but I cleaned and redressed his wound. He was right, it wasn't as bad as I thought, but it didn't seem to want to stop bleeding.

Scott had already torn off part of his pants on the bottom near his wound so at least I didn't have to worry about him taking his clothes off for me to do that. That would have made me _very_ uncomfortable especially then. After I was done I went and sat down in the chair by the phone. We had two beds in the room but suddenly I couldn't sit on one.

Scott was looking over our supplies, he found a bottled water, opened it took a long drink and threw it at me when he was done. But I wasn't thirsty. I was muddled.

Thinking about Scott of course. Thinking about how he thought about me. What he thought about me. How he had such respect for me, How he wanted to understand me and help me be less afraid of myself. Of my skin. Of living.

He also threw me some sort of nutrition bar at me, after some coaxing I opened it and tried to eat it, but I didn't get very far with that either.

"Is something wrong?"

I looked over at him where he was sitting slightly off the bed, he had finished going through the supplies. Scott had found a short metal bar, whether in the bag or somewhere in the room I didn't know, I hadn't really been paying attention. He had that lying by him as well. Preparing for whatever was to come.

What was I supposed to say to his question? I mean there was more than one way to answer that. Tell him that I knew how he felt, or tell him I was just worried about what was to come. Or what might happen when those hunters caught up with us.

"I'm OK, just a little anxious.."

"You should come away from the door." I knew what he was saying was a demand not a suggestion. But I wasn't feeling very reasonable at that point for one reason or another so I decided to argue.

"But someone needs t'keep a lookout."

"I will."

"You're hurt."

"It's nothing."

So of course he made me leave the chair, which he sat in after turning it around so he could get a better view out the window, I had just been looking behind me ever once and a while. Like I said I was distracted.

So he sat there, his back to me. I went and sat down on the long wooden table that the TV was on after grabbing a magazine that I would never read. A good two hours passed like that in silence. I didn't stay seated on the table the whole time though, I got up, paced a little, walked around, went to the bathroom, paced some more.

"You're going to wear out the carpet."

"It's already worn out."

"You should eat something."

"Not hungry."

There was a long pause. And I heard him let out a long breath. I noticed a couple minutes after that that my eyes were back to normal and the pain was gone, so I very slowly took his sunglasses off. I had actually started getting used to everything being tinted with red. I walked over to him and put the glasses on the table in front of him. He looked at them and back up at me.

"Sorry about that." Scott said not much louder than a whisper.

"It wasn't your fault."

He shifted in his chair slightly and looked at me quietly with some hesitation mixed in.

"Did you... get any..."

"Of your Memories?" I finished. Suddenly not wanting to look at him. "Just some recent ones."

He got up out of the chair and stood beside me, leaning against the table like I had been. And then he took my left hand into his.

"So I guess you know?"

"The combination to the safe in Xavier's Study?" I said trying to line the words with humor and failing. Scott started to lightly caress my fingers, it was doing strange things to my insides.

"I would have rather told you myself than you finding out that way."

I still couldn't believe that Scott felt about me like he did, even after absorbing a little of his self. I just didn't see that coming. Sure we were spending a lot of time together, his touches have become more interesting... And some of Jubilee's cryptic remarks not to mention the way Scott acted when Gambit was flirting with me or Logan ignored me, suddenly started to make more sense.

Scott Summers was in love with me.

ME. The Rogue. The untouchable. The look but don't touch girl. I think I could possibly want him too.

And why not? He is gorgeous, confidant, has a great smile when he decides to use it, is proficient in many things... a leader among us X-men. Desirable. Passionate. Not as restrained as people might think if his dreams are any indication.

But all that was still new to me... those thoughts about Scott. And what about Jean? I knew how much he loved her, how much he still does. Where does that leave me? No matter how he feels about me?

I was so confused. I _am_ confused.

I took my hand out of his regretfully. I knew then that I wanted him to touch me too.. but...

"Scott I.. I really don't know what t'say.. I.."

"It's OK." He said with a frown. I knew I hurt him, he held the look of rejection on his face. "Now isn't the time for such things anyway."

He was all Cyclops then as he stood up straight, went back to his chair and directed his gaze back to the window.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

We went back to silence after that. A slightly uncomfortable silence. I spent the time trying to keep Scott's thoughts at bay in my head, and my feelings turned off. I was unsuccessful at both.

Finally I sat down on the second bed, brought my legs up to my chest and waited. Like Scott was waiting.

It was about fifteen minutes later when Scott heard something. I heard it too. Someone was walking up the stairs, more than one somebody. I could hear the creaking of each step on the old wooden staircase that led up to our floor. Now that I think about it, it was probably smart of me not to get a room on the ground floor.

When they padded across the landing outside our room I heard that as well. We had never put any lights on, just let the light from the moon guide us. Luckily it was a bright one that night.

Scott had gotten up when the sounds first started and positioned himself by the door. I got up as well after grabbing the metal bar off the bed. I tried to hand it to Scott but he wanted me to keep it. He motioned for me to be quiet. And we both listened intently. Something was being put on the door.

Suddenly Scott grabbed my arm and pushed us both inside the bathroom. Just in time too. A small explosion rocked our room. I saw our door blown off. And men came inside.

Scott hit the first person with a blast that threw the soldier? thorough our window. Shards of glass went everywhere but mostly outside the room we were in.. There were three more. They had guns, I felt bullets whiz by me. I managed to duck out of the way and roll away from them.. That is when Scott grabbed me and shoved me into the bathroom once again (I had just left it) and shut the door quickly behind him.

That made me angry. I could take care of myself!

I heard more blasts, loud thuds of bodies falling, some curses, loud shouts, and screams of pain. Then the door was opened. I tensed for action in case it wasn't Scott, but it was.

"Why did y'do that! I could have helped!"

He actually smiled at that. "The last time I checked Rogue you weren't bullet proof." I saw that he had a bullet hole in his left sleeve where he had almost been hit, was about to point at that and tell him that he wasn't either, when he took hold of my arm and pulled me after him. I saw he already had the bag slung across his shoulder as he dragged me away.

I nearly tripped over one of the bodies, people I mean, they weren't dead, just out cold. I knew if it had been Wolverine with me and not Scott that they would have been. Although I also knew that Scott would kill if he had to.

I saw or rather heard and then saw, that he had a pair of car keys in his left hand. Obviously appropriated from one of the soldiers left behind in our hotel room.

"Well at least we won't have t'walk anymore." I told Scott, who once again looked preoccupied.

We had been walking down the stairs when two men started walking up it. Men that wore the same black nondescript uniforms that the others had.

"Stop Mutants or we'll shoot!" One of the men shouted at us.

But I was too busy throwing the metal bar at him to heed his words. The bar made contact with his hand, he dropped his weapon. Scott blasted the weapon away from the second man.

Without waiting for Scott I ran down the stairs, jumped off the last couple of steps and kicked the larger man in the stomach. He fell over and back. I hurriedly picked up the metal bar that was conveniently near and jumped back up. My arm was grabbed from behind by the second person... hard, I knew it was going to leave a bruise. That man's action was like throwing gasoline on a flame. It spurred me on. I spun around, flipped slightly to the side and got his hand off me. I then used the bar to hit the him against his shoulder and then the back of his neck. He went down with a groan.

But his large friend was getting back up. I took two long steps, kicked something out of the guys hands that looked too much like a grenade, turned back around and hit the man hard on the back with my metal stick.

The large man was still conscious, obviously tougher than his friend. I was about to put him out of his misery for a while with a well placed jab to the back of his head when a red flash went barely past my body, impacting the man. He went flying a couple feet, made contact with a wall and landed in a heap. This time out cold.

I turned around. Mad again.

"I could have handled him Scott!" He was just a couple feet behind me, his hand still up by his visor. (Two extra ones had been on the jet and in the bag, I guess he has had problems in the past, loosing them, or coming upon a fight without a visor, that he packed so many extras.)

"I know, but we need to move. Now!"

"Fine, just a second!" I threw the metal bar over to the side. Funny, all that noise and no spectators. The hotel must have been really empty. I bet the manager was sleeping again. He had the TV on really loud when I first showed up and had put it back on after I left the front desk. He probably thought all the sounds were coming from it. He wasn't going to like what he finds in the morning. Good thing I gave him a false name. Even if the Professor will probably make restitution for the damage.

I took off the glove on my right hand, and started over to the smaller man. I leaned down and was about to touch the mans face when Scott grabbed me and brought me back up to my feet.

"Don't!" He ordered me, more sharply than usual.

"But we could use some information... Like who they are!"

"I know who they are... I don't want you to touch them!"

"But y'want t'use their vehicle don't you?!" I pointed at where the keys were in his hands. "We don't know where they are located!"

"They can't be far." Of course he had been right. The whole time we had been looking for them I waited for more people to jump out at us.

But none did. I guess that was them all.

And of course I didn't want to touch that man, but it would have answered a lot of questions.

We found two jeeps parked behind the hotel in the woodsy area and found the one that fit the key. Scott went over it quickly and detached two tracking devices, one that had been located underneath the car and the other one below the passenger seat. Watching him can be quite instructive!

We then drove a little ways away where Scott stopped the car. Before I could even ask what he was doing he destroyed the second vehicle with a well placed optic blast to the engine. It was a pretty big explosion, but I didn't get to admire it for very long since Scott was already driving away. Fast. I guess he wasn't worried about drawing attention to us. Not that he really was, it's not like we were waiting around to see who showed up.

About twenty minutes after we had been on the road. Scott found a cell phone in the car behind a hidden compartment, he made me rifle through our bag until I found a small plastic envelope that had a tiny delicate metal object inside it that looked kinda like a bar code.

Scott instructed me to take the back of the phone off which I did, and then he told me to place the little thing over a space near the battery.

"So nobody can trace the call?" I asked.

Scott nodded his head, even though he didn't say anything I knew he was impressed that I knew what it was. He took the phone from me and called Ororo.. He set up a rendezvous point, about an hour away and then threw the phone out the window roughly and made sure as he looked out the rear view mirror that it destroyed itself when it impacted the road.

"Just in case." He said shrugging his shoulders.

There I was in a stolen jeep, that had a strange, nearly frightening undertones to it... Scott was driving way faster than I had ever seen him before and I was just sitting there, my head pressed against the cold window watching the world fly by.

So we met up with Storm, she brought the other jet we have, a smaller version of the Blackbird. We abandoned the jeep and made our way onboard where McCoy was waiting for us both.

I made him look Scott over first, as soon as he finished with us both we joined Storm up front. Scott next to her in the co-pilots chair, I sat behind the two and McCoy stayed in the back straightening things up and securing the medical equipment.

I couldn't help but wonder where Logan was, although lately he seems to be going on a lot of errands for the Professor.

"Glad to see you both are all right." Storm said over her shoulder at me. She gave me and Scott a small smile and then turned back around. We were off and heading toward the mansion before she even finished the next sentence. "The way the Blackbird looked I'm surprised you both look as well as you do."

"Can it be fixed?" Scott asked.

"I'm pretty sure it can be... don't worry I moved it into a more secluded area."

I had a vision of the blackbird incased in a tornado or something. Being moved. I wish I could have seen it. I closed my eyes and listened to the two talk.

"Do you know what hit you?"

"Some sort of EMP blast."

"The shields should have protected you."

"They didn't."

"And who was behind the attack?"

"The friends of Humanity." The F.O.H. are the biggest, meanest bunch of anti mutant haters you can imagine. Just hearing there name was enough to send shivers down my spine.

"I didn't know they had a militia."

Somewhere along their conversation I must have fallen asleep for that is all that I remember. You would think that hearing that a anti mutant group had tried to kill us would have kept me wide awake. But I had been feeling a little more safe and secure.. and I guess I was exhausted.

"Rogue?"

It was Ororo. She was nudging my shoulder carefully. I opened my eyes. It was just her and me in the jet.

"Where is everybody?"

"Hank took Scott to the infirmary to do some X-rays and give him some more shots and antibiotics."

"How long have we been back?" I stifled a yawn, unbuckled myself and stretched.

"About fifteen minutes, thought that I give you a few more minutes of rest, you looked so comfortable."

I smiled softly at that. Looks like I was getting out of going to the med lab. For the time being anyway. Sometimes I think the med lab is my second home, I sure seem to be down there enough.

"Thanks."

"Sure."

I started to walk down the jet's metal stairs. The hangar was so quiet. The mansion so still. But not for long. I heard Jubilee before I saw her, and she wasn't alone. It ended up being Kitty, Jubilee, Gambit and Bobby. Kitty and Jubilee hugged me, the two men just looked at me a little worried.

"I'm so glad your OK Rogue!" That was Kitty.

"That's one huge bandage on your face!" That was Jubilee of course.

And they all surrounded me, everyone talking fifty miles an hour. Except for Gambit.

Gambit was very quiet for himself. Nearly taciturn. And I kept catching him staring at me. What was going on with him? He seemed to catch himself at some point, as he started to force himself to be more like his usual self.

After I got away from them all I headed back up to my room. When I got there I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible. My clothes were dirty and bloody (I think most of it was Scott's), my hair was in tangles, the bandage on my face was big as was the cut on my face, My eyes were slightly red, my complexion deathly pale.

And yet... even with all that.. even with everything that happened... There is a part of me that had a blast.

I think I am crazy.

Scott is being forced to stay all day in med lab.. At least that is what Kitty told me.

It is now 8:32 in the morning.

I don't think it is anything serious, besides him needing a lot of stitches. Ouch.

I haven't gone down and visited him yet. But I will, want to take a shower first and change my clothes, and finish writing this of course.

And when I do what do I say to him?

And how do I feel about him?

Why can't I figure that out?

Why do I have to be so bewildered?

And what if I start something with him only for him to leave me for someone else when he finds fleeting touches aren't enough, and his love for me isn't as strong as he thought. It's not as if I don't have cause to think that way. Just look at Bobby. He told me over and over that he loved me and yet...

Do I want to put myself through more pain and suffering when Scott starts looking to another to give him what I can't?

Sometimes I hate my skin. HATE IT! As if life wasn't difficult enough.

I want to touch, I want to _**feel**_. I want to burn all my gloves, walk around everywhere barefoot. Just because I can. Want to kiss someone longer than an ephemeral moment. Feel someone's hand against my bare skin without taking some of their mind or power with me.

Sometimes I just want to be free.

Want to be human.

Want to be normal.

Want to be Marie not Rogue.

Maybe then I could be loved.


	18. Sunday May 23 2010

Sunday May 23rd 4:37 P.M.

_"You're up kinda late." Logan said to Scott as he entered the kitchen. Scott had been working on a test for his class, but even after an hour he had only typed in his notebook 6 questions. He needed at least 25._

_"Who made you the hall monitor?" He replied evenly, not even bothering to take his eyes of the blinking cursor that was demanding him to type in a another question._

_"You worried about Rogue?" Logan said his words more of a statement then a question._

_"Aren't you?" Scott didn't stop the frown from forming on his already sullen features as Logan sat down across from him at the table, he had an already opened can of beer in his hand. Scott was about to say something to him about it, it was a school after all, but it was rather late also so he decided to let it go._

_"She can handle herself."_

_Scott didn't doubt that for a minute. He hadn't been trying to say otherwise._

_"And you saying that makes me feel so much better."_

_"It'll do her good getting away from here for a while."_

_Scott had to agree, it would probably do her good, but why couldn't she have told him before she left?_

_"I'm not so sure about that she seems a little.." Scott searched for a word that would describe Rogue._

_"Preoccupied?" Logan supplied._

_"Maybe."_

_"You've been spending a lot of time with her lately." That brought Scott's head up from his computer screen, he had just thought of another question when Logan's statement chased it from his head. He closed his notebook more roughly than he meant and through his red sunglasses stared Logan down._

_"What's it to you?"_

_"I just don't want her to get hurt again" Scott couldn't help but feel how idiotic that sounded coming form Logan's lips, wasn't it Logan who himself seemed to bring the most pain to Rogue, especially when he started his relationship with Ororo?_

_"Why tell me?" Scott asked even if he knew with sudden clarity where the conversation was leading._

_"You smell different when you are around her, Your intentions toward her are clear."_

_"It's none of your business" Scott said his voice suddenly full of acid. His glare on Logan becoming more and more hostile._

_"When Rogue is involved it is."_

_Scott laughed at his words, it was short and dry but it was a laugh none the less. Even if it was a sarcastic one._

_"You're not her father."_

_"I know and I've told her that many times myself." Logan admitted to Scott._

_"So what are you trying to tell me?"_

_"I think you should ease up off her, she seems to be going through something right now, she doesn't need you to make her life more confusing." Scott nearly laughed again, but that didn't last very long when he had his next thought._

_"Are you trying to tell me to stay away from her?"_

_"I thought I just did."_

_"I won't."_

_"You should."._

_"Is that a threat?"_

_"I don't threaten. I do." Logan swallowed the rest of his beer in one huge swallow, crumbled up his can rather violently and threw it away as if to prove his point._

_"What is that supposed to mean?" Scott's hands tightened around his notebook computer, the tension in his hands apparent as it was in his words._

_"That what you think is going to happen with Rogue isn't."_

_"I care for her!" Scott said with a burst of emotion._

_"So do I!"_

_"In what sort of way?" Scott said turning all the way too personal questions and remarks back at Logan._

_"What?"_

_"How do you care for her?"_

_"That's none of your concern." It was Logan's turn to feel threatened and hostile._

_"I think it could be."_

_"I'm with Ororo... "_

_"You being with another woman never stopped you before."_

_"I'm allowed to think about her."_

_"Not in that way."_

_"Who are you to tell me how I can think!?"_

_"So you admit you feel something toward her other than friendship?"_

_"I didn't say that!"_

_"It seems to me your not saying much of anything, and I am tired of wasting my time listening to you, especially when I have a test to prepare for..." Scott grabbed his computer and papers off the table and headed out the kitchen, or at least he tried to, Logan was suddenly blocking his way. "Get out of my way Logan!" Scott's voice was low and very threatening._

_"And what will you do if I don't?" Logan said, his words beyond challenging and teetering on recklessness._

_"Do you really want to know?" He shifted the computer and papers over to his left hand to leave his right one free._

_Logan had obviously expected Scott to threaten him with a blast from his eyes, instead he found himself being knocked to the floor with a perfectly placed punch to his jaw._

_"I should have done that the first time I met you!"_

_Logan got up the floor rubbing his face from where the punch had landed. He held sudden respect for Scott in his eyes, he probably didn't think Scott had that in him._

_"If you had I would have killed you, now I'll just do this." He pushed Scott out of his way, gave him a look that would have shattered most people and then Logan walked away. That surprised Scott. Logan had never done that before. Ever._

_"Where do you think your going?" Scott shouted after his departing form. Suddenly raring for a fight. All thoughts of setting positive examples, both as a leader and teacher flying out the window with his sudden anger and agitation._

_"I'm practicing self control bub, you should be grateful I am capable of some."_

_------------------------------------------------------_

And that was the conversation that splashed through my mind as I made my way to the med lab. I also felt many of Scott's emotions during the whole thing.

Anger, Frustration, Concern, Jealousy, Hatred and so much more. I even heard a couple of his thoughts. Not many though, I didn't want to dwell too much on that aspect of the thing.

_Am I ever going to finish this test?_

_Is Logan in love with Rogue?_

_Maybe I'll just use last years test, even if it is a little out of date._

_How much of a blast would it take to knock Logan out for a couple days?_

_Wish I hit him harder. Shouldn't have held back, he could have handled it._

_Wonder what Rogue is doing right now._

_Crap my hand hurts.. That's what I get for hitting a man with an adimantium skeleton._

_Maybe I should have blasted him instead? No, the pain was worth it._

_Seems like Ororo is taming Logan. Good, maybe then Rogue won't find him so appealing._

_Wonder if there is any roast beef left over from dinner._

All that went through my head so quickly, I had to stop for a second in the middle of the hallway. Grateful that I was alone so that nobody saw me as I lowered myself to the ground onto my knees and grabbed my head. It wasn't exactly painful, just strange and disconcerting.

But that conversation. What did that mean?

The way Logan acted one might think he actually felt something toward me. But that is ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous, Laughable. Not even worth dwelling on. He just thinks of me as the girl he made a promise to to protect. Just a friend. That is all he sees me as. But more than that.. I don't think so.

So I picked myself off the ground, not really sure why my mind had decided then to replay the little conversation, and continued toward the Infirmary once again. This time walking a little more slowly as I mentally pushed the Scott in my head further back in my mind. I am getting better at it. I am.

I had a horrible thought then, one that lingered with me all the way along with me to see Scott.

What if Scott's powers suddenly came back into play? What if I couldn't close my eyes quickly enough and hurt someone? What if. What if.

What if.

I walked into the Med Lab, I had been up about twelve hours at that point in time and knew that I still had an appointment that I had to keep with the Professor. He had been quite adamant about it. Even reminded me about it. Guess there is no way getting out of it. Maybe I could tell him I had a headache? Which actually wasn't that far from the truth. But no. I knew I was going to keep the appointment. I actually had things to tell him. A lot of things. He might regret it.

The first thing I saw was Kitty sitting on a chair holding Scott's hand. They were talking amiably and she was laughing about something he said to her. I knew that Kitty had always had a crush on Scott, poor Bobby always having to live in the shadows of crushes and unrequited feelings.

I don't know why seeing that made me stop short. It wasn't out of jealousy or anything like that. It was because they were touching. Touching.

Their flesh meeting and pressing against one another. And they didn't have to worry about anything happening.

I put a smile on my face that seemed painted on and walked over to the two.

"Rogue." Scott said with a very wide smile on his face. Kitty turned around and looked at me funny. She then got out of the chair she had been sitting in and offered it to me with the wave of the hand.

"I'll see you later Scott.. glad your ok!" She patted my arm as she passed me "You too Rogue."

I guess that was nice of her.

So I sat down in the offered chair. And looked at Scott. He looked better. He had his injured leg up on stiff looking pillow.

"24 stitches." He told me.

I couldn't help but cringe.

"Did McCoy give y'a tetanus shot?" the vision of the metal shard that had embedded itself into his leg came into my mind.

"How did you know I would need one?" Although sudden realization hit him.

"You saw that too?"

"Yeah."

A sudden silent void enveloped us, but not for long as Dr McCoy took that as an opportunity to come into the room. He came right over to where I was sitting.

"Rogue I'm delighted your here, I wanted to check on your cuts."

"Right now?" I look toward Scott, trying to use him as an excuse.

But McCoy used it against me.

"You don't mind if I steal her away from you for a second do you Scott?"

"Not as long as you bring her back."

So I had to go with McCoy. Unfortunately I had changed into something more comfortable besides jeans when I had gotten back earlier, and so I was forced to roll my pants up to show McCoy where the cut was. Where it _had_ been. And of course we had to start with that one.

"That's odd."

Well if that isn't an understatement I don't know what is.

He placed his large gloved hand over where it had been, slowly tracing his fingers down my knee. It tickled slightly. I saw then that now the scar was gone as well.. No trace of anything having happened there remained, let alone anything that would have required stitches like had been suggested a couple days ago.

He looked up at me, questions in his eyes.

"You did have a cut there did you not?!"

"Yes." I said biting my lip, wishing I could avoid the conversation that was undoubtedly going to follow.

But it was inevitable. So I told him. Everything.

He listened silently, only interrupting me with a question every once and a while.

I rolled my pants leg back down.

"May I?" He asked pointing to my forehead where my newly acquired cut was.

"Um. OK."

He took the bandage off, looked at my forehead. And then looked at me.

"It's gone Rogue."

I couldn't believe it. I jumped up off the examining table and rushed over to a mirror that was a couple feet away.

It _was_ gone. Completely gone, there was no scar, nothing that would indicate that I had been cut. And when I looked down at my palm where I had cut myself with the scissors, that too was nowhere to be seen.

I didn't understand. I didn't feel any different, didn't feel it heal itself, or the use of any powers.

"Rogue?" Hank was coming up from behind me, I looked at him using the mirror to do so without turning around. He saw the worry in my expression and responded.

He took my arm gently in his furry blue hand and led me to his office. I couldn't help but notice as we passed Scott to go there, the way he got up a little further in his bed to cast an anxious glance my way.

Hank took some books out of the chair in front of his desk, told me to take a seat, and after I did he went and sat down behind his desk.

"How long have you been able to do that?"

I shook my head "It started up about a month after the... "

"Erik incident?"

"Yeah, The Professor helped me put more of the dominant personalities in my head away, but that was when they started t'resurface again and when I was able t'use some of their powers."

"Have you ever been able to do that so long after an absorption?"

"No, they always tend t'wear off about a week or so after that happens, dependin' on the length of contact."

It was kinda funny how I could talk about it so easily, almost in a logical manner, without much emotion as if I wasn't even speaking about myself.

We continued talking for about twenty minutes. It took me a while but I finally told him about how Scott had accidentally touched me. I know I blushed from that but the good Doctor must have decided to ignore that one.

"If you're so apprehensive about Scott's powers possibly recommencing, maybe it would be advantageous if you wore a pair of his glasses, until you are really confidant."

Even with my concern I quickly dismissed his idea, the thought of advertising that Scott and I had touched didn't seem like something I wanted to do.

"I think I'll be ok, we didn't touch very long," I managed not to turn red at that sentence Thank you God. "And I can always shut my eyes if I feel the burn."

"Burn?"

"Yes, behind my eyes."

"Maybe it's best that you at least borrow a pair of his glasses, to have on hand just incase."

I thought about what he said, I guess I could do that. Why carrying his glasses around with me is a more appealing thought then being forced to wear them, is something I might have to think about later. Kinda like carrying a piece of him around with me all the time.

So Hank offered me a couple words of encouragement. I was about to leave, had my hand on his door about to walk out of his office, when he said something to me. Something that meant he knew. Knew how Scott felt about me. And knew that _I_ knew how Scott felt about me.

"Love will enter cloaked in friendship's name." Hank said, his words sounding like a quote. He does that a lot. And he knows a lot. For every occasion.

"What?" I turned around his words causing me to stop breathing.

He smiled at me, all blue fur and a big toothy grin, his fangs bright and shiny. If you took the friendly sparkle out of his eyes, that look could have been scary.

"You absorb more than just powers when you make contact with someone am I correct?"

Of course everyone knows that.

"Yes."

"So I guess you have a lot to think about." He used his head to point in Scott's direction.

"We're just friends, besides I can't touch." Whatever I said seemed to make his smile vanish, his brows furrow, and I swear I could see his brain turning as he thought about something.

"There's more to love than touch Rogue." He said after a couple long seconds. His words seemed almost sad, and kinda like he was holding something back that he wanted to tell me. Why do I lately get the impression that he knows something, something that would concern or affect me.. and if that is so, why doesn't he tell me? What's holding him back?

"Maybe so, but I've never found anyone that truly believed that."

"Scott's a good person."

"So was Bobby."

I was glad when his phone rang and I made my escape.

I had my head down kinda low. I walked back over to Scott and silently sat back down in the chair. After some silent deliberation I looked up at Scott who already had his eyes on me.

"What's going on Rogue?"

"What'cha mean?"

He sat up slowly, adjusting his legs as he did so. I got up and grabbed another pillow for him that was on a metal shelf and put it behind his back. He thanked me with a small appreciative smile and I sat back down.

"Why did Hank take you to his office? Am I dying or something?" I know he just used the last part as a way to make it seem that he wasn't inquiring about me. But I saw right through it.

I looked up at him, trying hard to see past his glasses and into his eyes. I know he would have just looked anxious, or worried. I don't know what made me do what I did next, I guess I was in a strange frame of mind at that point or maybe I just wanted to deflect his question.

Or maybe I wanted to test if I was still a good liar. I had always been. But I haven't really had an opportunity to practice it in a while.

I bit my lip, purposely looked away from him and let out a loud sigh.

"Ah don't know if ah should tell ya." I said allowing my accent to come out thick and heavy.

"What ever it is Rogue you can tell me!" He looked as if he wanted to reach out to me, but his leg was preventing it.

I allowed a couple tears to form in my eyes, and my lip to start quivering.

"Ah'm pregnant."

I said a little louder than a whisper. I almost laughed when I said that.

Scott sat up straighter at that, and he became rather pale.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant!" I said louder. And with more feeling.

Scott pushed his lips together into a small thin line and sat there for a good thirty seconds before he said anything else. He couldn't seem to look at me.

"Who's the father?!" His words came out harsh and I couldn't help hear the pain as well. I was causing Scott pain.

I felt really guilty then. I guess I am still a good little actress. And that I still know how to lie. Someone give me a reward. Or a slap across the face. And why would Scott believe me so readily anyway?

"Scott?" he looked at me, angry as hell, but I don't think angry at me.

"What?"

"Would y'hate me if I told y'that I was just kiddin?"

"Are you?"

Am I? How did he think I performed the act that would render me pregnant? Ok, don't answer that, Jubilee has already made a list of 10 ways Rogue could do the deed if she really wanted. That girl has too much spare time on her hands, but at least she didn't copy it and circulate it around. I would have had to kill her then. And friends for me are hard to come by.

"I don't know what made me do that, I just..."

Scott seemed to unwind himself from the tight ball he had gotten himself into, his shoulders dropped, his fists unclenched, and he started breathing a little more normally. He then looked at me. I knew he was relieved. He even laughed a little after he gave me a rather stern look.

"How about we start from the beginning?" Another thing to put on the list of reasons why Scott Summers is so desirable.. He sure can forgive quickly. And not hold a grudge.

I didn't say anything just nodded my head.

"Do you want to tell me what Hank and you were talking about?"

"I don't know, do y'really care?"

"Yes." when he said that one little word I knew he wasn't talking about the conversation I had just had with the Doctor, he was talking about me.

I turned a little pink at his words and he wouldn't stop staring at me. His eyes swallowing me whole.

So I told him. Knowing I would have to tell the Professor next. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to write an e-mail and then copy it to everyone. Am I a broken record or is my life going to always be like this: tell, repeat, repeat.

He, unlike McCoy didn't interrupt with any questions. Just sat there listening until I was through.

"So can I borrow a pair of your glasses?" He had been sitting there staring at his foot.

"What?" he looked back at me slightly dazed.

"Just in case.."

He understood what I was asking.

"There is an extra pair in my closet on the top shelf, feel free to help yourself, my doors unlocked."

"OK Thanks!" I got up and looked at him somewhat guiltily after looking at the clock on the wall behind me. "I have t'go, I have an appointment with the Professor.. "

"Appointment?" Scott said curiously, surely he knew that the Professor was trying to help me mentally? Maybe not. I guess some people here know how to keep their own counsel.

"Yeah, the Professor tries t'get in my head without _gettin'_ in my head."

He seemed full of regret as I left him behind, and a little like he wanted to say something else to me. I guess whatever it was is going to have to wait.

I went up to my room after that, I like to try to clear my head before seeing Xavier. He may only read peoples minds in emergencies or with permission.. But I know that he still can feel strong emotions and stuff, so I always try to clear my head a little before seeing him.

So I saw the Professor, fortunately for me McCoy had already told him about my sudden resurfacing powers. The Doctor had been out of his office when I left the Med Lab, but their conversation must not have lasted long because he wasn't in the Professor's office when I arrived.

So we talked, actually I talked. More than I usually do, but then a lot has been happening to me lately.

About thirty minutes later the Professor came out from behind his desk, folded his hands slowly in his lap and stopped his wheelchair a couple feet away from me.

"You should have come to me as soon as your powers started manifesting themselves in that manner." He told me, light accusation and concern in his words.

"I know, I was goin' t'I just needed time t'think."

The Professor frowned slightly but seemed satisfied with my answer.

"McCoy said your wounds healed, can you still use Erik's or any body else's powers?"

"I haven't tried lately, why is this happenin' t'me Professor.. Why now?"

But I could tell he wasn't quite sure. He finally said that it might just have to do with the others resurfacing in my mind, that their powers also would for a little while until they resettled back into my mind. Or that maybe it was another stage of my gift, my mutation.

"Would you like to test yourself?"

"In what manner?" I suddenly had a vision of people lining up for me to touch them, their faces full of fear and permanent cringes as I approached them with my bare hand.

But of course that wasn't what the Professor meant.

"We could go to the danger room, see if you could summon forth any of those Powers."

"Is that necessary?"

"I think it could help ease your mind, whether it worked or not. It would be good for you to know."

"I 'spose so."

He looked at his watch. And then back at me.

"I have some free time available today, would you like to try it say.. in thirty minutes?"

"Now?!"

"We don't have to do it today if you don't want. We can schedule it for another time."

But I guess I did want to get it over with, as I found myself agreeing to do it.

I left the Professor and made my way up to my room to change, knowing what I had on could have worked but might not have been appropriate.

I stopped at Scott's room on the way to mine. It felt so strange entering his room, I had never really been in it, never really had a reason to be.

Looking around after I found the glasses, I found his room to be rather sterile and very neat. The only signs of anything personal were some pictures that were on his dresser drawers. I couldn't help but look. There was one of him and Jean together, he had his arm wrapped around her waist as they both smiled up at the camera. There was one of Xavier, Jean and Scott, it looked like some sort of graduation ceremony, Jean was holding up some sort of certificate. Those two photos were on the far right back of the dresser.

The frames were a little dusty that held the photos, as if he couldn't bring himself to clean them off. It kinda stood out what with his immaculate room and all.

On the left side was a group picture, it was _my_ graduation picture when I had completed High School. It was Me, Kitty, Bobby, Jubilee a couple other people and all the teachers. Including Scott, Ororo and the Professor. I have a copy of that picture myself. But why would Scott want a picture of that? Surely he had taken many of those type of picture before.

But the answer came to me relatively quickly. Maybe because that is the only picture he has of me and him being together. I knew that was the answer. And the part of Scott that was inside of me readily agreed to my conclusion.

Maybe that will change. Someday.

So I had been walking toward the door, it was half open, when someone started knocking on it very loudly and then without waiting threw the door open.

It was Logan. And he didn't look happy.

He rushed in the room without saying anything to me and started looking everywhere in Scott's room.

"What do y'think your doing?" I asked him. Watching him with amusement and strange fear.

He stopped, glared at me though hooded eyelids and then started sniffing the air.

Logan seemed to ease up a little as his gaze on me became a little less severe... Once he realized Scott wasn't in the room with me.

"Where's Scott?" He asked me, still somewhat rigid.

"Scott is down in the med lab, he has been since early this morning, where have y'been? Africa?"

"I just got back twenty minutes ago," I noticed he didn't say from where "Ororo told me about what happened to you and Scott, I didn't wait around for all the details though.. I came to check on you and saw Scott's door open, and .. and I smelled you in there. I just thought.." he stopped and then looked at me, his expression stern once more. "What are you doing in here anyway?"

"Not that it is any of your concern, but I came t'get a pair of Scott's glasses." I said in a huff, nearly shoving the glasses in his face.

Thankfully he didn't ask me what I needed them for or else I would have been playing the part of a broken record again, and I didn't want to. Not that I gave him an opportunity to say anything after that, for I slammed the door behind me. The way he had been staring at me had been grating on my nerves.

So I made it to my room, Logan not following me for once, and quickly changed. Then headed down to the sublevel.

I found Hank down on the danger room floor, the Professor up above, looking down at us below.

And we started the tests. The results even threw me for a loop.

We started with Magneto's Powers. Hank had laid out a couple dumbbells, weights, parts of machinery, and other metal objects down on the ground. He then moved to the side.

"See if you can move any of those to the other side of the room." That was the Professor, his voice amplified by the speakers that lined the walls.

I didn't think I was going to be able to, but after several long minutes I started to feel the hum once more, and suddenly with a burst of energy I lifted up one of the smaller metal objects and threw it across the room. It made a loud clank as it hit the wall and then dropped down to the ground.

And then I moved the rest. It was quite interesting. And freeing, and me being able to do it without being overwhelmed by the accompanying personalities was quite satisfying.

We continued. Hank gave me a lighter,and suddenly I was playing with fire. I could feel it burning in my veins, in a strangely pleasing manner. I was able to use the fire to shoot bursts of it in the air. Knew I could manipulate it even further if I wanted.. I could also extinguished it. But I liked to feel the burn more. It was with some regret that we went onto the next.

Logan.

Or at least I thought it was going to be Logan, but McCoy and Xavier didn't want to test him since it would mean trying to harm me. Not like I could pop a pair of claws out of my hands. Or become an overprotective, or overly jealous jerk.

"Have you touched any other mutants?" Professor asked of me, hadn't McCoy told him that I had touched Scott? Or maybe he meant Bobby, during our together time, we had accidentally touched sometimes and I had absorbed a little of him here and there especially when we got a little more.. involved.

"Bobby." I said, strangely without any embarrassment whatsoever.

Hank left the room and came back with a glass of water. He handed it to me.

"What are you wantin' me t'do with that?" Sometimes I am a complete idiot.

He grinned at me, "Freeze if of course."

"I don't know if I can, I didn't really absorb much of him."

"Well it can't hurt trying."

I stared at the glass in my hand and felt nothing. It was water. It was liquid.

It was luke warm liquid.

"Concentrate Rogue." McCoy told me. I listened to his words and tried to.

I focused on the water. I thought of ice cubes and winter and ice cream and cold.

Cold.

And I felt it, I felt the water and it's molecules and knew I could control them. Freeze them.

I closed my eyes, and felt the glass become heavier and colder in my hand as I solidified the liquid.

It suddenly became slippery and fell out of my hands with a crash.

"Fascinating." The Doctor said, as we both turned out heads downwards toward the big chunk of ice shaped like the glass it had been in.

"How do you feel Rogue?" Xavier asked me, although know he was behind me, having just entered the danger room floor.

"Fine, just a little weak." And as if to prove my point, I suddenly started falling to the ground as my body seemed to become really heavy. Hank bounded over toward me and caught me before I touched the ground. He brought me up into his hands and placed me on a bench.

"Are you OK Rogue?" He took my hand, pushed down my glove down a little and started to take my pulse. Luckily his fur protected him from my touch. I couldn't help but wonder how he took it though, you think all that fuzz would get in the way.

I sat up slowly. I still felt a little disjointed but other than that I felt good.

"I'm OK."

"Her pulse is fine, a little fast, but nothing to be vexed about." McCoy said to the Professor.

"We shouldn't have over taxed you like that." Xavier told me, as he positioned himself next to McCoy in front of me.

"No, Professor y'were right I needed t'know."

I rubbed my temple suddenly feeling a headache coming on.

"Do you think it is goin' t'be permanent?"

"I'm afraid I don't know Rogue. I wish I had an answer for you."

"I wish y'did to."

McCoy who I hadn't even noticed leave, suddenly reappeared with another glass of water.

I thought he wanted me to freeze it again when he handed me three Tylenol.

"This will help your head."

"Thanks."

I took the offered pills, swallowed a little of the water, and stood up. I swayed a little, but didn't fall over since the Professor grabbed out for me and brought my hand down to his wheel chair for support. It took about a minute but I finally regained my equilibrium.

"You should get some rest Rogue, it's been one very trying day for you." The Professor said, concern and empathy in his words.

"I'm not very tired."

"Then take a nap, It will help your headache.. that's your Doctor's orders." Hank patted my arm reassuringly as if to drive his words home to me.

"It's not that bad."

"No more arguing Rogue, go get some sleep, and maybe something to eat."

"But Professor.."

The two just stared at me, and I knew there was no arguing with them.

"Fine!"

"Don't worry Rogue, We'll find some answers for you."

That is what the Professor told me as I left the room. I noticed the minute I started walking toward the danger room exit doors that the two started talking amongst themselves, Probably about me. They didn't look exactly happy.

So I went to my room, I wasn't very sleepy, wasn't restless or anything. Yes, I did have a lot on my mind, but I wanted a distraction. So I opted for a book.

I started reading one that I had started a month or so ago, one that I had only gotten to chapter two in it, due to me being busy and all. I read through the whole thing, finished it in one sitting. Then still not tired, I watched a little TV, cleaned my room, and then was on my computer for an hour or more. It was nice to be busy in something other than my problems. Especially then. But how I was able to do it, what with everything that had happenedis peculiar.

I finally laid down after changing into a light nightgown, pushed all the thoughts out of my head and drifted almost unwillingly off to sleep.

When I woke up it was dark outside. Not that I really noticed. I was more preoccupied with the dream I had just had.

Scott's dream.

Only this time instead of me seeing it through his perspective, I was me, and he was him.

It was all tinting in red. Scott's influence obviously.. To me it was if it signify passion, desire and heat.

For there _was _heat.

I was tingling all over. I have never had a dream so real before, so tangible that I could almost feel his mouth trailing down my neck, his bare hands tangled in my un gloved ones.

_Feel._

I could feel him.

I wanted to feel him.

And that is when I had an irresistible impulse.

I got dressed quickly and left my room.

I had to see Scott.


	19. Sunday May 23 2010 Continued

**Sunday May 23rd 6.38 PM**

I'm sorry I had to stop typing for a while, my fingers were actually starting to hurt.

But I am back. So I am able to finish now.

Where was I? Oh Yeah, me and my irresistible impulse.

So there I was not allowing myself to think as I nearly ran down the stairs toward the infirmary.

I still almost stopped myself twice though, nearly turned around and went back to my room to get more sleep.

But I didn't.

I kept going.

It was like I was me, and yet not me. Unable to control myself as I led me to him.

To Scott.

I went into the med lab after the doors slid open. It was very dark inside, just some equipment and a small night light in the corner lit up the room. I made my way over to Scott, suddenly realizing what I was doing, and still not knowing why.

I approached him, just a couple feet away. Scott looked even better than he had earlier, but maybe it was because he looked so peaceful since he was sleeping. I noticed that he had some small goggle like eyewear on that had an elastic band that went over his head to secure them on. It's the most I have ever seen of his face before.

So there I was standing there looking at him, fighting myself not to reach out and touch him, even if my hand was gloved and there would be no harm.

But I was starting to feel more and more foolish. What did I think I was going to do?

This wasn't my dream, I couldn't touch him, he couldn't touch me.

And did I want to touch Scott?

But I knew I wanted to be near him, and that since I was there I didn't want to leave.

So I got a chair, sat down and well, Just sat there. Watching him, enjoying the silence and the dark. The soft hum of machinery that was strangely soothing.

And what do you think happened after an hour of that? I fell asleep.

I don't know what is wrong with me that I keep doing that. But I have a lot of things I could pick from if I really wanted to think of a reason.

So I woke up later, there was a light blanket flung over me and a pillow behind me that someone had placed there while I had been sleeping. I yawned a little, feeling alive, rested and like I was being watched.

Scott was looking at me, staring at me more precisely. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, his sunglasses back on. Along with a very pleased expression.

"Morning." he said to me with a very big grin on his face.

"Mornin'?" I looked behind me and saw that it was about 5:30 in the morning. I hadn't gotten up that early in a long time. Especially not in the morning when it was still dark outside. When the birds weren't even chirping yet. Of course there was that one time when we had to do an Intel job way early in the morning but ...

"How are y'feelin'?"

"How are you?"

We both asked those questions simultaneously.

"I'm fine Rogue," Scott got up off the bed and started walking around slowly, he didn't wince or show any other signs of pain. McCoy had probably doped him up pretty good, although he looked and sounded coherent enough, not like I had been when I had my little 'push Jubilee out of the way of the car" incident "See, can even walk without help.. What do you say we get some breakfast?" Scott asked me, watching me through his dark red glasses. Man you say those last three words slow and drawn out and suddenly they sound sexy. _Dark_. _Red_.. _Glasses_..Don't ask me where that came from.

"Um Ok." I said, slightly flabbergasted because he hadn't even bothered asking me what I was doing there, and now we were having breakfast together? Um OK.

So we headed out, passed Mccoy who was busy in his office typing away. He winked at me and then went back to work.

I was feeling quite energized as we walked to the kitchen, usually when I wake up after sleeping it takes me a couple hours to get up to my full potential.

I was kinda hungry. Usually I skip breakfast, just drink some orange juice or something. I ordered Scott to sit down at the table, which he did without protest. And then I made us breakfast.

Just scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and orange juice.

I made quite a mess. Like I always do when I cook. But it was worth it.

"These are _really_ good!" Scott said after taking a bite of some of the food I had prepared and swallowing it. I heard the surprise in his voice.

"Y'didn't think I could cook did you?" I gave him a lighthearted glare.

"Would it hurt your feelings if I said no?" He gave me a big grin, waited for me to return his expression in kind which I did, and then went back to eating.

I ate a little also, but definitely not as much as him. He was obviously hungrier than I was... And I never even ate dinner last night. But like I said I was never really a breakfast person, and have never really liked eggs.

So when we were done eating, we started to clean up the kitchen. I washed, he dried the dishes. It was very domestic.

I must have gotten a little over zealous with the water, because unnoticed to me at that time it had overflowed a little out of the sink and spilled down onto the tiled floor.

And what do you think happened? I Slipped of course.

And what did I grab on to to try to stop my fall?

Or should I say who..

Scott!

So I fell backwards and he fell right on top off me. Him landing on me slightly knocked the breath out of me. My body was closer to his than I had ever been to anyones. And I am not going to lie, it wasn't the worst predicament I have ever gotten myself in to... In fact it was making me feel quite... quite...

So there we were in a pretty awkward position. For me anyway. Scott seemed to be downright enjoying himself.

So much for that natural balance my teacher Xing said I had.

Scott didn't get up off me right away, he seemed more intent and happy with just staring into my face. At that close I could actually see his eyes through the glasses. Eyes that I couldn't quite read.

"Um Scott?" I said when I finally caught my breath.

"Yeah?" He breathed on me slightly, his voice low and seductive, causing the hairs on my arms to rise.

"Are y'going to get up?"

"I'm thinking about it." He said with a very wide grin.

"Scott!" I have never seen that side of Scott, that flirty side of him before.

He finally got off me, rather begrudgingly and then helped me to my feet.

"I hope your leg is ok." I said, trying to keep from getting embarrassed, trying to keep the focus off me.

"The pain was worth it."

I blushed at that, he laughed, and we finished cleaning up.

We went to the TV room next, sat down on the couch and talked. About what had happened the day before, about my strange new powers. About him, About me.

But not about us. Not that there was an us.

When the mansion got a little busier we headed up to our rooms. I thought he was going to head to his, but instead he asked if it was ok to come into mine. I guess he wasn't ready to depart from me quite yet. I didn't refuse him.

He saw my unmade bed, my thrown clothes on the floor and the all together disarray. And I had just cleaned my room. Oh, well.

"Have trouble sleeping last night?"

Scott sat down on the computer chair, which I think he has now deemed his own, and waited for me to respond. I hurriedly picked up my clothes, threw them in the dirty clothes hamper, and started to make my bed.

"You're not trying to avoid my question again are you?"

I sat down on my bed, not bothering finishing it and tried to evade his gaze. But I couldn't.

"I slept fine, except.." Except I had the most realistic, heart throbbing, skin clashing dream I have ever had before... I wanted to say to Scott, but I couldn't. Just thinking about it left me strangely flushed and feeling slightly awkward. Not to mention made me feel _very _out of sorts...

"Except?" He continued his inquiry, sounding more curious than worried.

"For some dreams I had last night." I finally spurted out, and then concentrated on not trying to blush.

"Bad dreams?"

"Um, just not the kind I typically have." I said, not as nervous as I thought I would be. Especially admitting what I just did.

Scott must have picked up on what I was trying to say without saying it.

"Were they _my_ dreams?" He asked me quietly. Focusing on my laptop computer that I had put on the floor on the left side of my bed.

I didn't answer him. But he knew from my lack of response.

"Were they of you and me?" He asked very cautiously.

I decided to answer that one.

"Yes."

Scott got up and sat down by me on my bed. He had never done that before. Sitting on my bed I mean.

The closeness again, the nearness, the things it did to my breathing without me even realizing it a the time.

"Rogue? Rogue would you please look at me?"

I turned toward him. And raised my head to meet his gaze.

"About what you got from me when we touched, I should explain myself." Scott said softly and slowly as if he was trying to think things through.

"Y'don't have t'Scott." I said, trying to offer him a way out.

"Yes I do.. You must know, how my feelings toward you have changed... You really helped me Rogue when I was going through a difficult time in my life," I was about to interrupt him and object but he stopped me by lightly putting his hand on my arm. "I didn't want to live again, not after I lost Jean. I wanted to feel empty and alone, I needed to be miserable and detached.. for that would mean I didn't forget her, that somehow feeling that way would mean she was still a part of me. I know that doesn't make sense but.. And then we became friends.. I can't tell you when I started feeling differently about you, it just happened. It was probably a whole bunch of little things amalgamated together that made me realize how special you are. How beautiful a person, you are inside and out... " Scott got off the bed, turned around and looked down at me. "I know you are confused about how you feel about me Rogue. I can see it in your eyes. But I want you to know, that I will be here for you.. as a friend as... more.. if you figure out you care for me.. Like I care for you."

I started to open my mouth to say something but he silenced me again, this time by lifting his hand up toward me in a stop gesture. He obviously had more to say, and he wanted to make sure he said it all.

"About my dreams, I'm sorry you got those, they aren't something I am actually in control of but I wish they didn't pass on to you.." He paused and looked slightly embarrassed. "I don't want to be with you just so that we can..." He stopped again. "Touch.. even if that is what is looks like in those dreams... I'm not saying I don't want to, I would love to.." Scott caught himself before he finished that and looked even more discombobulated and chagrined than before. "I think it is time for me to leave.. before I make more of a fool of myself than I already have... Just think about what I said Rogue... Think about me.."

Scott left then so quickly I didn't even get a chance to say anything.

And what would I have said?

I was actually quite dumbfounded, everything he said to me, it was so.. so.. nice. Knowing his feelings and actually hearing him tell me were two very different things. Very different indeed.

Scott Summers. Scott Summers. Scott Summers.

Rogue. Rogue. Marie.

Scott and Rogue.

Scott and Marie.

Cyclops and Rogue.

Who knows?

I certainty don't seem to.

But one way or another I will figure it out. Like I always do. Like I always have.

Scott Summers is good person. I would be a fool and a half not to love him. Not to care.

Not to give him a chance.

But sometimes I think I am one. Some choices I have made, relationships I have had or haven't had.

I just _love_ complications. They are my favorite thing in the world.

Right next to misplacing things. And paper cuts.


	20. Monday June 7 2010

Monday June 7 2010 10:32 AM

Sometimes I think my life is an uphill battle. A hill that I always climb up a little ways and then am pushed back down, then I climb up a little more and I am pushed back down again. Seemingly getting no where. And just when I think I am reaching the top, so I can view what is up there. Something knocks me all the way back down to the bottom.

I was doing so well, better than I have in a long time. Knowing that someone actually cared for me, _loved me_.. even if I was uncertain about how I felt, still left me feeling as if my steps were lighter and the world wasn't as dark and foreboding as I thought.

I still remember Jubilee approaching me, the biggest, widest grin on her face. She grabbed me from where I was talking to Ororo in the kitchen, and led me away.

"So you and Scott together now? Or is that always present smile on your face that you seem to be wearing lately just because you found a cheaper brand of shampoo?"

I should have known that she would know. (Not that we are together- just that there might be a possibility or what not) Jubilee told me she had known for ages and about how she thought it was so humorous watching Scott and I together.. watching Scott watch me and me, well, being oblivious. I asked her why she didn't tell me about him, but her smile just got even bigger as she started to laugh.

"What fun would that have been?"

Things between Logan and I have become strained again. It's hard for me _not_ to get angry at him, and he seems to always be watching me now. As if he is just waiting for me to do something.

But that isn't where I fell off the hill. It was about a week or more later.

You see, a day or so before Jubilee and I left on our little adventure, Leech (the one who can turn off mutant powers), had been picked up by his parents to be taken out of the school. And I know now that it was because they had been promised by some government owned company that they would help find the cure for their son, and hopefully for other mutants.

A cure! A freekin' cure! How could his parents let him be tested and probed like that? How could they willingly allow that? Is their son being a mutant such a bad thing?

I found that out when walking up to my room one day. Ororo, Logan, Hank and the Professor had been talking in the front room, the door wide open their voices quite loud. It would have been hard _not_ to have overheard them.

They think the government has managed to find a cure.

When I confronted Ororo and Logan about what I had overheard, all Ororo had to say as she looked to Logan for support. Was:

"What do we need a cure for, there is nothing wrong with us!"

But how could she say that to me! Me! And with up most seriousness. As if she didn't even realize what my mutation did to me, what it limited me as.

So that is why the Professor and Hank always seemed to be talking, and why more than once they stopped abruptly whenever I entered the room. They must have known a long time ago, weeks, months, longer.. I don't know.

What are they afraid of?

Maybe loosing me?

Doubtful.

I may be one of the X-men, but sometimes I think they couldn't care less what happened to me. Ok, so I am feeling just a _little_ negative. I find a little solace in the face that I don't think Scott knew about it, at least that is the impression I got from our contact those weeks ago.

But still.

There is a part of me that wants to go to one of the mutant cure meetings that seems to have sprung up all over New York and the world practically overnight. I want to hear what it entails and then jump up and out of me seat and scream.

"Me! Give me the cure! I'll take it!"

But how pathetic is that. Could I abandon the X-men so readily just to I could touch? Could feel? Could be a human?

There is a part of me that says **Yes**.

Even after everything they have done for me.

I feel such ANGER, at my thoughts, at Professor and Hank, at Ororo for being so apathetic toward me when she spoke those words.

Not minutes after she told me I went to my room, tore off my gloves that actually felt like they were burning, leaned on my dresser and stared at me reflection on the mirror that was on top of it. I lost it then, after I looked down at a picture of me and Jubilee. It was one that she had gotten Gambit to take of the two of us. The photo was a little lopsided and out of focus, but it was one of my favorites. We were hugging each other both smiling and happy.

Happy.

And that was when the rage built up in me, I couldn't stand looking at myself anymore. I hated _that_ mirror. Hated all mirrors. Using my right hand I made a fist and pounded it into the illuminator of me. My reflection. That hateful mirror that showed everything and more.

I kept doing it over and over, even when the glass shattered and fell onto the ground and the dresser. I felt the pain but didn't care. All I felt was bitterness. Self doubt and confoundment.

I was so encapsulated in what I was doing, that I didn't even hear someone enter my room that I had forgotten to lock. And when someone tapped me on the shoulder I sprung around and nearly hit the person in the face. I stopped just in time though, right before I was about to make contact.

"Rogue what is going on?"

It was Bobby, a very scared looking Bobby, not of me of course, but afraid _for_ me. He hadn't been in my room in a long time, and though we do talk to one another every once and a while, our conversations usually go like this..

"Nice day it is today."

"Yes, although it looks like it is going to rain."

He spotted my bare fist, my fist that was bleeding and had glass embedded in it. Bobby reached for it, but I pulled it away from him.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed at him, tears falling down my face. "Get out of my room!"

"Rogue you need to get that looked at..." He said somewhat calmly, not showing any signs of leaving.

"I'll do what I want, when I want.. go away!"

That is when Jubilee appeared.

"What's all the noise about!"

She saw Bobby's expression, my right hand and the state I was in.

"Can't a girl be in agony around here without havin' the whole dang mansion know about it?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, pushed past Bobby, didn't look at Jubilee and locked myself in the bathroom.

I heard Jubilee say something to Bobby, him sounding like he was trying to argue, and then the door closed. Seconds later there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Rogue? Rogue are you OK? I made Bobby leave. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone about what happened.. Rogue?" I was sitting in the bathtub of all places, the curtain drawn so I didn't have to see yet another condemning mirror. I also was sitting there in relative darkness, the only source of light was some that was creaking through the bottom of the door, enough to see what I had done to my hand.

Ouch.

"Rogue you might as well let me in or come out because I am not going anywhere." She kept knocking softly on the door, and then I heard something that sounded like her sliding down against it, she was probably sitting down.

"Rogue I heard about the supposed cure.. is that what this is all about? Are you wanting to get it?"

That's Jubilee, more perceptive than people give her credit for and always shooting to the heart of the matter.

"I not going to try to talk you out of it if that is the case, I know how you feel about your mutation Rogue, I know how much you want to touch even if you always deny it. But remember we still don't even know if it really works, and I don't want you to get your hopes up... You won't lose me as a friend Rogue, I will always love you no matter what decision you make. .. Rogue?.. Are you going to open the door... Please say something to me!"

"Please Jubilee," I finally smanaged, my voice strangely horse, "I need t'be alone!"

"So you can hurt yourself more, I don't think so! You look as if you _do_ need someone right now... Please Rogue.. Nothing is that bad... Please come out and talk to me, I am getting sick of having a conversation with a door."

I didn't want to, but the way that Jubilee was pleading with me made me anyway. So I got out of the bathtub and stood in front of the door. Just staring at it in the dimly lit room.

"Rogue?" Jubilee said again, pounded on the door.

So I opened it. Jubilee looked relieved and worried. It looked as if she had been getting ready for a date or something, come to think of it she had told me about something of the sort a couple days previous, but I hadn't really thought of it. She had her hair in curls, well at least half of it, the rest was still very straight. She had her eye makeup applied already but not her shocking red lipstick she likes to wear when she goes out.

She hugged me, careful to not touch my bare hands and face. But she was an expert at that now. When she released me she grabbed my right hand fastidiously, and brought it up to her face.

"You going to talk to me now?" Jubilee examined my very cut up hand. "You know this doesn't look as bad as when I first saw it, you able to heal yourself still?"

I think I already mentioned that Jubilee knows about my other powers? When she found out she actually wanted me to touch her just so she could see someone else use her powers. She thought it would be amusing. But of course I just put that down as her being silly.

"I don't know I haven't bothered tryin'.'" Jubilee led me to the bed and made me sit down.

She still held my right hand. "Go ahead and try."

"I don't know if I want to."

"What kind of a silly thing is that to say?"

"The truth."

Jubilee let go of my hand and sat down on the bed with me.

"It's either that or we'll have to go down to the med lab and get McCoy to look at it."

She sure knows the right things to say to get me to do something. Not that going to the med lab was the worst thing, and that McCoy wasn't the nicest Doctor I have ever known. All though he wasn't one of my favorite people in the world at the moment.

"Fine! Hold this towel underneath my hand." She did as she was told. And then I closed my eyes and thought of my hand. The pain, The cuts, the... it only took a couple seconds before I could feel my hand stitching itself back together, and feel the glass being pushed out of it. I opened my eyes and watched the rest. It was rather interesting. It reminded me of when Logan had been shot and how after a minute the bullet had popped out of his forehead and his wound had closed up and disappeared all together. That is what was happening to me.

Jubilee watched with amazement, as all the tiny shards of glass landed in the outstretched towel and as my hand returned to normal from the bloody mess it had been.

When it was over she got up and threw the glass away in my trash can. Can back with a wet clean towel and cleaned my hand up.

"You sure got quite a mess here," She said looking down at the glass that had somehow managed to get itself nearly all around my room. "We are going to have to clean it up before you go to bed tonight."

I didn't say anything just sat on the bed looking at my unmarred fist.

"Rogue?"

I looked up at her where she was now standing quite rigidly in front of me.. a very austere frown on her face.

"You want to tell me what happened?"

"My mirror tried t'kill me." I said mordantly.

"Yeah, mine are doing that to me all the time." She threw the bloody towel in my dirty clothes hamper and came back and sat down by me.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to... Just tell me your ok, and that you promise to tell me when you are ready."

I nodded my head slowly, promised her and knew I would keep my word.

So my life continued. The next day I purposely skipped the appointment I had with Xavier. I just didn't want to talk to him. I wasn't as angry as I had been.. A part of me understand why he felt the need to keep that from me.

I went for a drive, Jubilee tried to invite herself along when she saw me leaving, but I refused. Luckily I didn't bump into anyone else on the way out.

There were so many things to think about. So many.

Scott, the Cure, My mutation, My life with the X-men.

Even my friendship with Jubilee and my non existing relationship with parents.

It's funny how you can lose yourself in your thoughts, how they take over everything to the point that all things around you seem to fade away and disappear.

I returned to the mansion many hours later, waiting for everyone to pounce on me and ask me where I was or what I was doing, or why I skipped an assigned meeting with the Professor.

But isn't that life, one of the times I decide to be rebellious, swim against the current, that it all came to nothing. Not even an acknowledgment. Jubilee and I had at least gotten a stern talking to after we returned home from our little hotel adventure.. about how it was dangerous times, and if we were going to leave that was fine, but we should have included a note to where we were going or where we were headed. I remembered Jubilee suddenly burst out laughing when she heard that, but quickly contained herself after Xavier directed his implacable gaze on her.

I made it up to my room after grabbing something to eat, I was starved at that point, hadn't bothered getting anything while I had been out. So I opened my door, surprised to find nobody waiting for me or even in the hallways. After I entered I saw an envelope on the floor that had been pushed under my door.

It was from the Professor, obviously from many hours previous, he had canceled our session and said we would have to reschedule. I guess he couldn't locate me so decided to write me a note.. I bet if I checked my e-mails there would be a similar letter in my in box.

I actually laughed at that, the crisp eggshell colored piece of paper that was in my hand. I found it rather funny and amusing. Me purposely skipping the meeting so maybe someway somehow I could slight the man. The man that is sometimes like my father, but like parents is apparently far from perfect. Of course I knew he wasn't, I guess when you meet someone you care about in such a way, it can take a while to see that they too make mistakes, errors in judgements and don't know everything.

Jubilee found me later on my computer, she came in without knocking of course and excitedly told me that there was going to be a mission briefing in the War Room in about an hour and that we both were expected to be there.

Great another mission. I guess it was better that way though. To keep my mind busy.

Ok, there _was_ a part of me that didn't want to go.. How could I after these people had kept things from me? Maybe even betrayed my trust.. how could I so easily go down to another planning session.

I just could. Such is the way of my life. I am not going to say I forgave everyone. I have always been one to hold a grudge (something I need to work on) but I know through experience, that I was going to get no where moping in my room and blaming people.. And my curiosity about what was going on helped to get me down there also.

I was rather withdrawn though the whole meeting, usually I try to offer some advice or just say something so people know that I am alive. But I didn't even bother.

They were going to send a team to a government hospital and research facility to try to find Leach and see if the cure was in fact.. a cure.

The team was going to be led by Logan and Ororo. They have been doing that a lot, ever since Scott disappeared for a month or two after Jeans death over a year ago. They took over everything. Especially missions.

The Loner and the weather goddess. It's kinda strange to see _Logan_ in charge of all people. Even when Scott returned he still didn't go on, or lead as many missions as he could have. But I knew it was a matter of time before he retook that responsibility.

For such a loner Logan sure does like to be the center of attention.

Oh, Yeah, so I heard it was about the mutant cure and suddenly I was full of rancor again. It was brimming inside of me just waiting for me to explode. To let it all out and..

The Professor was watching me, I guess I wasn't doing the best job shielding my emotions. I took a couple deep breaths and put a wall in my mind. He rose an eyebrow and turned his attention back to the briefing.

I listened to how Magneto and his brotherhood were probably going to try the same thing, so even if everyone got onto the base safely, there was still them to contend with. But things around here have never been easy, inside and outside the mansion.

I realized halfway through that I wasn't being mentioned, that I hadn't been assigned to any part of their plan.

But I didn't say anything. I saw Scott in the corner, strangely away from everyone, as if him and Logan had switched places. All Scott needed was a cigar hanging out of his mouth and a scowl on his features.

It seemed the only part Scott was playing in this one, was that it was _his_ plan. He explained things, him and the Professor between them. He would get up every once and a while to turn on a display panel or pass around pictures, but he always returned back to his solitary chair in the corner. Almost as if he didn't want to be there. Didn't really want to be involved. He's been like that since Jean.. maybe he felt since he was the leader that somehow, someway he had been responsible for Jean's death and he didn't want to be put in that position again. Maybe that is why he doesn't go on any dangerous missions anymore? Surprised he even wanted to work out a strategy..

So since it was his plan, was it him who didn't want me to go on this one? Then why was I even there?

I waited for the meeting to end. Jubilee was very happy, she was flying the jet. So it was Logan, Ororo, Kitty, Bobby, Jubilee and McCoy

Only the Professor, Scott and I weren't physically involved in it. I know Piotr would have been involved in it as well if he wasn't off at a special art school. And Gambit if he wasn't in New Orleans for a couple weeks on supposed business.

I made my way over to Scott after everyone else had cleared the room, crossed my hands across my chest, and gave him a look that wasn't at all friendly.

Scott and I have been spending more time together, we have become closer, although haven't crossed the friendship line. He sometimes is a completely different person with me as he now openly flirts, laughs and touches me longer than usual. Scott. Scott Summers.

Scott who I suddenly wanted to kill. Him and the professor.

God help them all.

I didn't say anything. I didn't need to.

"Rogue, I'm sorry, but the Professor and I discussed it, and we believe that it would be best you sit this one out." He said his words so casually, as if we were taking about the weather or a movie he had just seen. That couldn't be good. It meant he was trying to hide something behind that facade of calm.

"Why Scott?" I said my voice low and hostile.

Let me tell you now, if he had said anything about the cure and about how I was too close to the matter or something like that, I would have socked him one. Not that Scott and I had talked that over yet. I just found out the day before, and it was already a very raw subject for me.

"Your new powers have been rather unstable lately, I was worried that something might happen, to you, or to someone else." I noticed he took credit for that one. He didn't try to say 'we' so that he could share the blame with the Professor.

Ok, so my powers have been a little spotty and off lately. Over the past week or so I accidentally froze Jubilee's TV when we got into an argument about who was watching what, and destroyed a tree in the back yard when my eyes suddenly let loose with Cyclops powers. I guess I shouldn't have been thinking about Scott's optic blasts when I had been outside. I still don't recall why I had been.. Although I am way more careful now on what thoughts I linger on... Luckily nobody had been outside with me at the time, and I had Scott's glasses with me so I was able to put those on right after I closed my eyes.

So that was only two little incidents, it's all quite new to me and I guess I am still learning how to control them all. It just _so_ much. And sometimes it takes a lot of concentration. To do it, or not to use it. The powers.

I looked down at him where he was still sitting rather composedly. I didn't say anything to him, I was too busy feeling miserable. I finally let out a long breath, turned and started to leave the room, that is when Scott shot out of his chair and grabbed my arm. I stopped as he turned me around to face him.

"Rogue?"

"What Scott?" I said nearly biting his head of with my words.

That didn't stop him from saying what he meant to though.

"How are you coping with this cure possibility?" There was a part of me that couldn't believe he dared ask me that question. But then again, why shouldn't he ask it?

"How do y'think I am dealin' with it? Do y'really want me t'tell you!" I practically screamed at him, good thing the room was sound proofed or the whole house hold would have heard me. He nodded his head slowly and took my hand into his.

"I want to know Rogue." He said so gentle and caring that I lost some of the anger in me. Why sometimes is it easier to talk to Scott than Jubilee?

"I feel uneasy, and trepidacious and uncertain, and.. and.. miserable.. I am sure the whole mansion is just waitin' for the little untouchable girl to bail out of the boat and run for the shore."

I didn't really know what I meant but Scott seemed too.

"Rogue if this cure really does work, you won't be the only one thinking about taking it.. thinking about becoming human.. you aren't alone in that line of thinking.. do you know how hard it is for me to live in a world of red?.. To see but not to see.. It's sometimes enough for me to think I am mad.. that I have been blessed with a great power and yet cursed with the inability to control it..."

He had never really said something like that to me, he always seemed so in control of things, so certain and sure.

"Why didn't y'tell me this before?" I said slightly accusatory. Of course I knew I wasn't the only one that couldn't control her mutation, but having someone admit it to me, especially Scott, helped me more than I even realized at the time.

"I should have, I'm sorry I waited till now to tell you."

"Scott I don't.." But he silence my words as he took me into an unexpected hug.

"Shh.." Scott said into my hair, his arms now wrapped around my body, pulling me closer to him. I let him do so.

"Life is full of hard choice and miserable consequences. You'll now what you want.. Just give it time Rogue.. Don't rush into anything without thinking it through."

He always has good advice, most of the time I _do_ think things through. Most of the time.

Scott released me and looked down at me. I returned his gaze, suddenly feeling very serious.

"Y'may think about the cure Scott, but you'll never take it. Your a leader of the X-men, the poster boy for the _good_ mutants, the ones that want to help humankind even if they hate, despise and fear you... and what would Xavier do without you? One of his first students? He depends on y'so much and I know y'don't take that lightly.."

He frowned at me. And then combed his hair through with his fingers, quite carefully as if he didn't want to pull any of it out.

"That may be true Rogue, I do feel that I can do the most good with my power, help others... maybe that is something you should think about as well.. what you would be loosing if you lost your gift."

"Maybe it would be worth it!" Maybe I hate what I am and despise the fear in peoples eyes when they are around me and know what I am, what I can do.. Maybe I just want t'be normal, just another human being among so many others." I didn't say anything about me wanting to touch, wanting to feel, I am sure that fact was quite evident in my words though. Or at least they would be for Scott, or anyone else that knew me well.

I started to walk away, he followed after me. We walked to the elevator in silence. I pushed the button and waited for the doors to open. I also waited for him to say something to me, but he didn't. Instead when the doors finally slid open, he took my hand into his and led me on the elevator.

He didn't let go of my hand the whole way up to the first floor, nor after we exited. He finally led me to the kitchen. Sat me down on a stool, went to the freezer got my favorite chocolate amaretto yogurt out and spooned two big scoops into two bowls. After he gave me a bowl and a spoon, he sat down across from me.

Their were some younger students at the dinner table doing what looked to be homework, they were talking amongst themselves quietly, as if they were in a library and couldn't speak louder than a whisper.

I made a show of slight resistance, but I suddenly did feel like ice cream and serious conversations and self doubt always helped fuel that appetite. So I picked up my spoon, scooped up some ice cream and shoved it in my mouth. Scott smiled at me and then started in on his. Nothing like a little sugar to make you feel a little better. I wonder if Scott ever did this for Jean? Probably. How else could he have known it would appease me somewhat. When I was halfway through my ice cold desert I suddenly had the urge to speak.

"Scott?"

"Huh?"

"Do y'want t'touch me?"

He actually took my words in stride, as if it was an everyday question, and that is didn't in the least affect him. Of course it was a stupid question. I _knew _he wanted to touch me. Scott put his spoon in the bowel and directed his gaze toward me.

"Yes." He said simply. He took my right hand in his and started touching the tip of my gloved fingers lightly. "More than I have ever wanted to touch anyone before." Scott whispered to me, his voice warm and intoxicating.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from his face, nor his ruby sunglass shielded eyes, nor draw my hand away from his. He was just touching my fingers, my _gloved _fingers, and yet it was enough for my stomach to do somersaults and my breathing to quicken.

But even with all that happening, my thoughts came back into play, my mutation still at the forefront of my mind. I removed my hand from his, shoved my bowel away, threw down the spoon on the counter, jumped off the stool and walked quickly out of the kitchen. The taste of chocolate in my mouth turning bitter as if to emulate my sudden down pouring of negative emotions.

Scott came after me, I am sure that would give those students something for them to spread around the whole mansion by tomorrow.

"Rogue?"

I picked up my pace, finding that I needed some air, some distance. He caught up with me when I entered the garage, but not before I grabbed some car keys, and headed toward one of Xavier's spare cars.

I had just opened the door when Scott came up behind me, kicked the door closed and forced me to turn around to face him as he pushed me against the car door forcefully with his body.. A move I would have expected from Logan.

"What d'ya think your doing Scott?" I said staring up at him, my tone not very polite.

He looked angry at me. I guess I have been doing that a lot lately, walking away when things get a little too.. intimate.. too personal. But what did he expect me to do? Sit there and let him do that knowing it couldn't go any further, knowing he could never_ truly_ touch me.. even if I wanted him to. And now with the cure, knowing Scott could if I just gave up everything that I had become... Although the scariest thing of all was that I was even considering it, _still _considering it, especially because of him.. Because of the longing that seems to be growing everyday.

"Trying to get your attention." He said looking down at me with all too readable bitterness.

"You've got it!" I shoved him off of me. "Please Scott, I don't.."

"Want to be near me?"

"It's not as simple as that.."

"I would never hurt you Rogue.. You know that don't you?" He asked of me, his anger gone, replaced by what sounded like sadness and regret. Funny he should say that right after he shoved me against the car door, not that he had caused me any pain. Not that seeing that side of him, that rougher side of him wasn't interesting. But I knew what he meant.

"I know Scott.. But _I_ could hurt _you_.."

He cocked his head slightly to the side and then straightened up a little.

"Do _you_ want me to touch you Rogue?"

He waited for my answer, his gaze on my so attentive. So very serious. That's what I get, I ask a bold nearly daring question, and now it is turned back on me.

I backed away from him slowly, and turned away from him.

"I... I don't know Scott.. there is a part of me that wants t'run away from y'and that possibility as fast as my legs can take me..."

"And the other part?" He asked curiousness enveloping his words, along with a strange hopefulness.

"Wants to crush my lips against yours, deadly skin or not!" I still can't believe I told him that. What was I thinking. Or was I even thinking?

I heard him approaching me slowly from behind, He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me taught against his body. I leaned against him without any resistance, and didn't allow any negative thoughts enter my mind this time.

The cure, My mutation, the world in general, or why I never wanted to be in any kind of relationship again.. especially a romantic one.

I wanted to love Scott, with everything that I was and everything I could be. I wanted him to be a part of my life. An important part. But could I love him? Could I open my heart and let him in, let him become a part of my being, my reason for living.. for breathing.. for..

I don't know. I really don't know. And I want to. One way or the other. As friends as.. much more. To have a future together one way or another.

A future.

We stayed like that for some time, he held me for quite a while. He had never done that before. Not like _that_. Instead of the usually nervousness and jittery emotions I usually felt when he touched me, all I felt was a peace of mind.. and a gently soothing that dulled away my rough thoughts... Neither one of us said anything to the other. He had his head on the curve of my shoulder, my shirt protecting him from my skin.. His arms still wrapped gently around me, his body so near to mine. I could feel his heartbeat even through all the layer of clothing. It was nice and steady and comforting. And he smelled so good, so dang good. I just couldn't seem to get enough of his scent as I took slow breaths in and out.

After we finally parted he grabbed hold of my hand.

"You still wanting to go for a drive?" He inquired of me, looking at me in a way that made me want to scream, cry, laugh or maybe even feel joy.

I looked at the keys in my hand. And then at the car behind me.

"Yes, would y'like t'go for a ride with me?"

His face let up at that idea as he came toward me again. He grabbed my gloved hand and placed a small lingering kiss on it before he looked up at me.

"I would go anywhere with you Rogue." Scott said, his voice low and body warming.

His words made me blush. Squeezing my hand he started leading me back to the car.

"Scott?" He stopped and turned around.

I had a mischievous smile on my face, one that made me feel really good and free of the more heavy things in my life.

"How 'bout we take something other than the car.." I used my eyes to indicate what I had in mind. He followed my gaze and a very face filling smile filled his features.

"Thought you would never ask me.. I'll drive though.." Scott made his way over to the key rack and grabbed his.

"I just _love _a man who takes charge" I said letting my accent roll out of my mouth.

So we went for a drive. On his motorcycle. It was a different experience than driving around with Logan. For one thing Scott was quite adamant about the fact that I had to wear a helmet, and he made me grab a jacket too... Scott also drove _way_ faster than Logan (I didn't think that was possible), he handled the bike like a pro (not that Logan doesn't but Scott does seem a little more knowledgeable), and made turns that made me involuntarily tighten my grip around him. He would laugh when I did that, and I would join right in.

It was wonderful.

I didn't think about anything serious the whole rest of the night. Scott wouldn't let me. I pushed everything out of my head that was trying to take precedence in my mind. I wanted to forget. Even if it was for a little while.

And even if I was fooling myself into believing that nothing was wrong, that I had no choices to make and no future to fear.

I just wanted to live in the moment. My moment with Scott.


	21. Thursday June 10 2010

It's been two long, very drawn out, never ending days. And it didn't help that I haven't been feeling well. Physically, not mentally for once. Stomach has been aching and upset, feel slightly dizzy and my head had a dull throbbing pain that didn't want to go away.

But I did start feeling better on the second day. Took me a while to even notice that.

I had been standing near my open window, a nice cool refreshing breeze coming through it when someone knocked on my door.

First I thought it was Jubilee which was kinda stupid since she was on the "cure" mission... and had left over an hour ago, I had even walked her down to the hangar...

It was the Professor. I knew it had to be something quite serious for him to actually physically come up to my room and not telepathically alert me.

You think it would be the other way around. But it isn't, although sometimes it can be. Ok, I am confusing myself.

Anyway he looked quite anxious, he explained to me that the mission that Logon and Ororo and the rest of the team were on, did in fact get ambushed by Magneto. But that wasn't what had him worried. We have dealt with him before. It was the part that Magneto destroyed the Blackbird (Yes it finally got fixed) and they had no way to escape. And they knew it wouldn't be long before they were overtaken and Leech was taken from them. They had rescued him, and McCoy had appropriated cure files along with some vials of liquid that supposedly held the cure inside of it.

So he wanted Scott, me and him, to fly down there, assist them anyway we could and do whatever we had to do to get Leech and the files out of there.

"I thought I was too much of a liability." I told him, quite reserved for me.

"You've never been that Rogue, and nobody has ever considered you as such."

That was what he said to me. I actually wanted to tell him no. He must have read that in my expression all though he read my reasoning behind my reluctance wrong. He told me he knew I hadn't been feeling well lately. I told him I was feeling better. But that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted an answer. I thought of Jubilee.

"When are we leaving?" I asked him, watching as his shoulders dropped slightly as he looked very relieved.

"Right away."

So I followed him down to the hanger bay, quickly changed into my sometimes dreaded X-men uniform and started to make my way to our backup jet. But a voice in my head stopped me.

"_Rogue over here._" The Professor said to me. Him inside my head used to unnerve me to no end, but I am pretty used to it now.

"_Where_?"

He showed me in my mind, I followed the path and found my way to an area I have never seen before. Xavier told me a code, I entered it on a key pad and doors slid open.

What awaited me was a very sleek, very expensive and totally black jet that I have never seen before. I stood and gawked at it for a couple long seconds before the Professor urge me to get on board. I walked up the steps, stopped before entering and touched the surface of the vehicle. It was interesting. I _knew_ it wasn't metal.

As if hearing my thoughts, the Professor, who was sitting in a chair right in front of where I was entering, told me that it was made of highly dense and strong plastic, or something along those lines.

"Why didn't the other team take this? 'Specially if they knew they were probably going t'face Magneto?"

It was Scott who answered that one, he motioned for me to sit in the co-pilots chair beside him.

"It's in the experimental stage."

"Experimental stage? As in could fall apart at any given moment?" I made a show off getting out of the chair so I could make my way to the exit.

He laughed at that, gave me a wicked grin for him, pushed me back down in my seat, and pressed a button. The hangar doors started to open and we started to ascend.

"Buckle up Rogue, this might be a bumpy ride." He was back to the serious Scott or more amply serious Cyclops when he spoke those words, the humor he had shown before not even evident.

So there we were, The Professor who I have never seen go along on a mission himself.. he usually just monitors them, although you could count the Alkali Lake incident, but that was just chance that he was there on that one. Scott who was trying to explain to me how the equipment worked as we sped through the sky. And me, me thinking what a life I led and praying that Jubilee was ok.

It didn't take us too long to arrive at our destination, it wasn't hard to locate either. We would have been able to without all that special equipment on board if we had to.. lighting and other abnormal colorful bursts in one spot of the sky while the rest was totally clear.

So we ended the bumpy ride, the landing more rough than I was used to, but after actually crashing you would think I wouldn't have noticed. We parked about half a mile away, that is what Scott told me anyway. I thought Xavier was going to get off with us, but he just handed us each a com link and said he would be there with us, as he tapped the side of his head.

Scott took off in a brisk run, I hadn't even put the ear device on, nor gotten out of the jet. I guess he was a little anxious to meet Magneto. I certainly wasn't.

We had already notified the team. The back noise filled with screams, grunts and other strange sounds made me think they did indeed need some help.

I hadn't expected to find our half a dozen people pitted against Magneto's group of more than twenty. How they held there own so long was amazing.

I also saw pieces of the blackbird littered all over the ground in the forest area that the fight was taking place at. I was surprised to see no uniformed guards from the compound that the items had just been taken from, but there could be many reasons behind that.

Storm noticed us, actually she noticed Scott first and told McCoy to take Leach and the pilfered information and go to the jet. She was holding off most of the attacks with fierce winds and well placed lighting bolts that made most of the brotherhood back off. Most. The ones that didn't found out what it was like to be struck by pure elemental energy. Wasn't a pretty sight.

Of course Logan was doing his slice and dice fighting. Keeping everyone from following after the now retreating McCoy who bounding away with Leach in his arms.

Kitty was holding on to Bobby, phasing them both in and out as what looked to be wooden spikes and other unidentifiable objects kept passing through their ghostly figures. When they became solid again Bobby would shoot off some ice, cementing someone to the ground or hitting them with small baseball sized ice balls.

Jubilee was letting off flashes of bright light from her fingertips, ones that could blind someone for a good couple of minutes if they looked at it a certain way. She also knocked people down with it when anybody got to close to her, or just kicked them or hit them with well practiced moves. Not bad for a little firecracker.

The minute we arrived Scott had adjusted his visor and let off a wide optic blast. It knocked at least ten people off their feet, six of them remained unconscious. I could have stood their and watched it all but I wasn't there to be a spectator.. I focused my attention on Jubilee and started making my way over to help her when I came face to face with the Master of Magnetism.

He moves pretty fast for an old guy, because I certainly didn't see him coming. The way he looked at me I knew he saw me as no threat. And his words confirmed that fact.

"My living failure." He practically spat out at me as he looked at me with derision, and intolerance. His hands wrapped inside the folds of his trademark cape. If he was facing anyone else I bet he would have had his hands out ready to do some damage. Or already doing damage. He really thought I wasn't worth it. If I didn't know better I would have felt really worthless and totally out of place. Although his eyes did keep a watch on my hands in case I tried to unglove them and touch him. Yeah Right, like I need an updated version of his tortured memories.

I just stared at him, without fear, and with too much understanding of the kind of person that he was.

"My would be murderer." I said to him with abhorrence.

"Come to save your fellow X-men?" I heard the humor in his voice. And the skepticism that he believed I couldn't even if I wanted to. "None of you will escape."

I looked quickly behind me and saw that McCoy was already long gone with Leech. So our goal _had_ been achieved.

"We came prepared." Was all I said.

"Yes, your plastic little air vehicle. How quaint." He said sanctimoniously with a strange chuckle that made shivers shoot down my spine.

Something was off, why was Magneto even bothering to talk to me at all? Especially as he acted like I wasn't even worth his attention. But then without warning I felt a wave of heat coming near me, I almost didn't respond in time.

Dodging quickly I turned and saw Pyro coming at me. More flames already being launched at me. I tried to look in his face, find some of the John that I thought about ever once in a while. John who I had embraced and had strange conversations with. But I saw only Pyro. A very stoic one.

I knew Bobby was on the scene when suddenly ice formed in front of where Pyro had been running toward me. Fire boy went sliding and then crashed and fell hard on the ground. Bobby grabbed my arm from behind and looked at Magneto who was just standing there looking amused, but otherwise doing nothing.

"We got to get out of here Rogue!" Bobby yelled at me.

I looked behind him and now saw now sign of Jubilee.

"Where's Jubilee?"

"She's on the jet, So is everyone else except for you, me and Cyclops."

He tugged on my arm again, I looked at Pyro where he was already getting off the ground. Bobby and I both watched as he let off another burst of flame. And then another and another.

Bobby was able to stop the first and the second one with some well placed blasts of cold air. He tried to nudge me out of the way as the third and now forth and fifth flame were coming right at me. But I was fascinated. I could _feel_ the flames. Their hot scorching energy filling my head. Bobby tried to pull me to the side again, out of the way, but I pushed him away from me and held my ground.

And then they reached me, and as I bent them to my will they circled my body, dancing round and round me. The heat and rush of hot wind as they did so mesmerizing. But that only lasted a good twenty seconds. I now know I could have really hurt myself. But right then, I really didn't think about that, nor care.

The flames jumped away from me, intensifying, their direction aimed at Pyro of course. Pyro who was standing there his mouth slightly open, while watching me with open fascination at what I was doing with _his_ fire.. all which made him a little slower to respond than he normally would have. I could have killed him. I _knew_ that. But I wasn't going to.

I let it come to him close enough so that even from where I was standing his eyes looked as if they were on fire as they reflected the hot flames.

I took off in a slight run, distinguished the fire with a mere thought and kicked Pyro to the ground who looked like he was just about to try something. Bobby who I hadn't even noticed following me, iced Pyro's hands to the grassy ground. Afterwards the Iceman looked at me stunned. Stunned and confused. It was the first time he had seen me use my "borrowed" powers.

Pyro tried to struggle with the thick ice manacles but it did him no good. Especially since they were covering his flame throwers. He finally stopped and looked up at me, then over at Bobby. Then back at me.

"Didn't know it was going to be so soon." He said, slight regret in his words, more of the John I knew coming through them. Not that I _knew_ John, or Pyro, he _had_ just tried to _kill_ me! Whatever I thought I had with him, a rapport maybe, an understanding, melted away when he did that. And all I felt for him was pity. Pity because he was on the wrong side and didn't now it. But he probably feels the same about me...

I didn't think we were going to have to fight so soon either, But where Magneto was, Pyro and Mystique usually were. I guess I sort of knew that even before I left. But I didn't know he would make a point of attacking me, Magneto distracting me so that he could. That would **never **happen again.

Bobby looked at me as if he wanted me to explain his words, but I offered nothing. Only Scott and of course Jubilee knew how I had seen Pyro, less than a month ago. And he is Pyro, no longer John to me. What a shame.

We were suddenly alone, Bobby grabbed my arm and forced me away from Pyro who was struggling with his bonds again. Magneto was no longer in sight, although there were a couple strange looking people getting themselves off the ground, groaning as they stood to there feet and looked in our direction.

"We got to get out of here!" Bobby yelled at me again as he took off in a run, unwilling to let go of my hand as if he expected me to run away.

I didn't see any sign of Scott, But there had been some com link chatter, and his voice had been one of them, I think he said something about how it was time to go.

"We are on our way!" Bobby said over the open line, which elicited a response from Kitty that made Bobby blush, knowing that everybody had just heard what she said.

So we arrived at the plastic vehicle safe and sound. But it was too easy. _Way_ too easy.

Bobby was getting on the jet, Kitty already hugging him. I stopped before entering and turned slowly around and walked back down the stairs.

"What are you doing Rogue!" Jubilee screamed down at me. I really didn't know what I was doing.

But everything seemed wrong, and yet...

And then I knew _he_ was there. I **knew** it. I could feel the level of metal in the area rising, as if something large was coming our way.

"Get out of here!.. Magneto is on his way and he..."

But my words were left unfinished. For suddenly Magneto was lowering himself down to the ground from high above us, as his followers were coming out of trees and everywhere else. We were surrounded. Again.

But that wasn't what put me on edge. It was the building size chunk of metal that magneto had welded into a huge ball, probably from_ our_ Blackbird. One that he was aiming right at the Jet. Right at us. Right at me.

Scott came out of nowhere and tried to deflect it with blast. But it didn't even seem to touch it. Bobby tried to freeze it. Storm tried to blast it away with a burst of hard wind.

But it didn't even slow it down.

My thoughts were strange. All I could think about was that Kitty and Logan would be the only survivors. For Kitty could phase right through it and Logan would heal. He always heals.

But could I? Could I stop it? Should I try it, or would it just be a desperate attempt to survive. To save my friends.

Yes, I had to try.

I took two tentative steps forward, right underneath the falling ball of doom. Raising my head I brought my hands up. Felt the metal, so much so that it was almost as if I was becoming one with it. Melding with it.

It was exciting, strange, scary and empowering.

And I stopped it. Barely. It was so close to me that if I jumped up I could have been able to touch it. Ending it's deadly descent made me see black spots and made my footing uneasy. But I held on to consciousness, defied it to try to make me fall. I stood upright. Borrowed more strength that I didn't know I had and hurled the ball away from me, away from the X-men..

The sound as it hit the ground a short distance away was deaf defying.

Magneto would have really killed us, just to stop us from knowing, or from having Leach.

I heard people screaming at me, trying to say something to me but it was if they were just whispers that barely registered.

And then suddenly I was being confronted by Magneto again as he landed in front of me. He approached me while informing the rest of his followers to stay put. I couldn't help but look at them for a quick second, one had spikes sticking out of him, another had hot energy building up in the center of her outstretched palms.

I turned my gaze back at Magneto. His unfriendly yet, strangely astounded look that actually held admiration.

"That was interesting," he said, a slow piercing and malicious smile taking over his face "But how long do you think you could hold out against _me_?"

He waited for me to respond. His expression just daring me to make a move. I blinked slowly and almost rubbed my aching temple but thought better of it.. no need to show him a sign of weakness. Or how much what I had just done had drained me.

"As long as I have to!" I said my voice so strong and assured that I couldn't believe it was me speaking.

His smile dropped off his face as he looked behind me. I don't know how I knew that it was Xavier without having to look behind me back. I didn't want to risk doing that. I had about fifteen angry looking mutants looking at me not more than twenty feet away and Magneto, one of the words most powerful ones staring at me right in the face. No more room for distractions.

Man what a predicament I had gotten myself into.

"There is no reason to continue this Erik.. we are both after the same thing.. we both want to know if the cure really works." Xavier said, his well cultured voice filling the area where I was standing, his words partially echoing back toward him.

Magneto narrowed his eyes, as a frown deepened on his face. But he didn't respond, didn't even bother answering him.

He just looked back down at me. Being the center of his world at the moment wasn't the least appealing at all.

"A cure Rogue, is that what you want? To become another deplorable Homo sapiens, just so you can know what it is to_ touch_?" He obviously didn't want my answer as he continued," from what I have seen that would truly be a waste."

I think he had just complimented me. I would have been truly stunned if I had comprehended that then.

"What she wants is none of your concern!" That was Scott speaking, A Scott that sounded so cold and hostile that his voice was almost unrecognizable to me. I wanted to turn around and look at him, but I couldn't seem to move, as if I was frozen in place. I knew Scott was coming toward me but I yelled at him not to. For some reason that got Magneto's attention. His malicious smile was back and he flicked his hand up and down so quickly that I didn't realize what he was doing before it was too late. He had formed some sort of field that was barely visible and propelled it past me and forward. I shot around no longer caring about being careful and watched in horror as the odd projectile collided with Scott and threw him down on to the ground. He didn't move, nor get back up. That gave me another big dose of reminder reality of just how powerful Magneto was.

I started to run toward Scott but was stopped by a similar field that blocked me from the jet, from Scott, from everyone.

I turned around, forcing myself to try to remain in control as I denied the tears that were trying to form in my eyes.

"Why!" I screamed at Magneto, noticing that Mystique and Pyro were now standing a couple feet behind him, there expressions impassive while their pitiless eyes were on me. But I felt much better when Xavier telepathically alerted me that Scott was fine.

Magneto took two steps toward me, I backed away from him, not out of fear but repulsion.

"Because I can." He told me, no emotion behind his words not even the pretentious arrogance I usually heard from him. Just as if he was making a statement of fact.

The Professor left a telepathic link open and I could see in Xavier's minds eye that they were taking Scott on board the jet while Bobby, Jubilee, Logan and the Professor remained on the ground. The three were all trying real hard to break through the field while Professor sat there calmly watching Magneto with unease and me with obvious concern.

I was still a little weak. Or I would have taken the field down myself. Not that I really knew how. But at the moment it was too much effort. And from the very colorful words I heard from Logan, the angry shrieks I heard from Jubilee and the frustrated grunts from Bobby I knew they weren't fairing very well themselves.

And then I had an idea. One that wouldn't expel or require to much energy but would be risky and would probably only be a one time thing. I told the Professor what I was planning through our mind link.. for after all I would need his help.

"Just because y'can doesn't mean y'should!" I yelled at him, watching him fastidiously, not willing to let any of his movements go unnoticed again. I had already in a round about out way caused Scott to get hurt. That was another thing that wasn't going to happen again.

"Join me Rogue." Magneto said, I waited for the punch line to come, the part that would have made me laugh, but I knew he was serious.

"You've got t'be kiddin' I would sooner join the devil than you." Not that that was true. I wouldn't want to join either.

He acted as if he didn't even hear me.

"You're strong Rogue, more powerful than I would have thought, with me you won't be restrained, won't be held back, will be able to learn the true extent of your powers... Join me Rogue!"

I couldn't believe it! Did he really think I would? After all that he had done to me? Maybe I didn't hate him as much as I used to, unfortunately him touching me made me actually a little sympathetic toward the man who had tried to kill me. But join him! I think not. Never. Not ever.

"I would rather die young like Ruth than be a part of what y'stand for." Flashes of his first love getting shot by the Nazi went through my mind. It _was_ a cold, harsh, very mean thing to say. But I needed to get his attention. Distract him. Just for a second.

That had done it. He seemed aghast and startled at hearing her name. I bet it's been a while. She was someone to admire. I wonder if Erik's life would have been any different if she had lived. If his parent had lived. Of course he would have.

His eyes widened and a grim shadow took over his face. One that showed what was going to come. What he was going to do. But he didn't get a chance to act.

I did.

I reached out with my mind, it was very easy to find what I was looking for, his helmet. The only large metal object in the immediate area. I reached up my hand quickly, his helmet coming off his head in a flash. I felt the tug as he tried to pull it back toward him, but to no avail.

For Xavier acted immediately, attacking Magneto with his mind. Magneto didn't even get a chance to look surprised.

He clutched his head as he fell down on his knees to the ground. I actually felt pity for him. It looked painful. Pyro and Mystique came rushing forward, but the shield must have dropped because a huge wall of ice formed right in front of them.

I took one more look, although there was now not much to see, and took off running. Somewhere along the line Logan grabbed my hand and led me on the jet. After that things became fuzzy as my head pounded in my ears and my eyes started hurting right along with my body. I didn't even know that my nose was bleeding until Jubilee ran to McCoy and came back with a tissue that she handed to me.

"You nose Rogue." She said as she took the seat beside me, Jubilee didn't seem to want to stop staring at me. "That was amazing!" She told me after grabbing my hand and giving me a soft squeeze.

When we took off I remember getting out of my seat and going to the back of the vehicle and finding Scott. He was still unconscious.

"He'll be fine Rogue, Thanks to you.." McCoy told me.

"Me? You've got t'be kiddin', because of me Magneto nearly killed him."

I remember he responded with what was supposed to be reassurance and something about how I wasn't responsible for Scott's injuries.

I took Scott's hand in mine, wishing that I could peel my glove off and touch his skin, if only to feel his soft skin against mine.

I felt someone staring into my back and found Logan looking at me. In a way that made me feel.. very empty inside. I turned away, feeling partially indifferent about him.

So we made it back to the mansion, McCoy started analyzing the info, and Leach was pronounced healthy and uninjured after he was brought out of his drugged state. I don't even remember seeing him on the ride back but I was preoccupied.

Of course Scott is going to be fine, he woke up ten minutes after we arrived back. I should know I was right by his side.

He was still in his slightly torn X-men uniform, looking more like Cyclops than Scott but he was awake and that was all that mattered.

I must have smiled because he smiled too.

"Man I have one killer headache!" He told me, trying to smile, but it turned into a grimace. "Anybody have any Advil around here?"

I looked down at the ground suddenly feeling guilty again. McCoy brought us both some pills and water and then left us alone.

"It's not your fault Rogue, I made my choice, you aren't omnipotent, you can't stop everything."

How does he always know what I am thinking? I didn't say anything to that. But I was feeling a little relieved. I mean I knew he wouldn't hold me accountable but that didn't mean I could stop blaming myself.

Scott tried to get to his feet and nearly toppled over, I managed to stop his fall, he steadied somewhat and offered me a small smile.

"Thanks." And then his smile disappeared as his hand made its way to my face, I tensed up and backed away from him. He frowned at that.

"Your nose. It's bleeding." He said pointing to me face. So it was.

McCoy came over, took a small light out of his pocket that he somehow managed to balance in his huge hands and shone it into my eyes.

"How are you feeling Rogue?" He had already looked me over on the jet, I didn't want to have to go through it again.

"Fine." I said testily. He wanted more of a response than that obviously as he waited for me to say something else.

But he already knew my recent ailments. So I felt no need to repeat them again.

"You probably just need some rest, your body has been thorough a great deal, it needs some catching up time. But come back to me if the symptoms appear again."

I let out an aggravated sigh at that but didn't argue.

"I'll take her up to her room and see she gets to bed." Scott told McCoy while latching his hand on to my arm. He was going to take me to my room? Scott was the one who looked like he needed help, although he seemed to be recovering quickly for a guy who had just been knocked out. Maybe he's used to it..

We almost made it to the staircase but Xavier came out of his office where he had been talking to Bobby and Kitty. He was concerned about me, and my show of powers, yet also very proud of my being able to control them. He wanted to talk to me at a later date about them, and was also happy to see Scott back on his feet.

Halfway up the stair case Logan came barreling down them like an enraged animal as he purposely nearly bumped into Scott. I couldn't help but wonder if Ororo and him got into a fight.. or.. who knows.

I had the full intention of leaving Scott at his door, but he became a little wobbly again so I had to help him into his room and onto his bed. He didn't stay put long, he mumbled about no way was he going to sleep in his uniform, went to the bathroom after grabbing some clothes out of his dresser and came back wearing striped pajamas and his glasses in place of his visor.

"That's better." he told me. Going back to his bed where he sat back down. I gave him a half smile and started to leave his room.

"Rogue?"

I turned around slowly, my world spinning for a second. I focused in on Scott.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to stay here with me tonight?"

His words totally astonished me.

"I wanted t'go check on Jubilee.." I told him fishing for any excuse and not knowing why I had to.

"She's fine."

He's right she probably was. She didn't even have to have McCoy look her over on the jet, she was the only one left unscratched.

"I..."

"I'm just asking you to spend the night with me... for comfort, for peace of mind. I want to wake up with you in the morning, find you by my side.. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not asking for anything physical," He paused, but didn't break his intense stare that was directed at me ".. just want you near me.. and besides I still feel a little like I have been run over by an elephant.. and could use someone to watch over me." I heard humor in his last words, but him being beat unconscious by Magneto wasn't something I wanted to laugh about.

"I'm not exactly up t'par either, " I said thinking of my bleeding nose and my still very present headache, "I wouldn't be the best nurse."

"I don't need a nurse, I need you." I heard the pleading in his voice. Something that made me lose some of my resolve not to give in to him.

"Scott I.. "

"What? " He asked me, his shiny red sunglasses still aimed at me.

He waited for another excuse but I gave him none.

"I'll need t'change." I said suddenly realizing that my uniform kinda smelled like it had been cooked and had dark blotches on it from where it had been burned. "And I'll need t'take a shower."

He smiled at that. Looking quite happy as he got up and opened the door for me.

"You've got twenty minutes."

"And if I am not done by then?"

"I'll come looking for you." He said with a mischievous grin. Scott used one of his fingers to put some hair behind my ear that had fallen out of my pony tail.

It was my turn to smile then. My first one all day. Him having to come after me was for some reason _very_ appealing.

I did check up on Jubilee on the way back but she was OK, in fact she was sound asleep, still in her uniform her light still on. I turned it off, pulled up the covers around her small form and touched her lightly on the shoulder out of reassurance for myself.

So I made it back to Scott's about twenty two minutes later, knocked on the door softly, although I probably didn't have to. He answered the door standing there looking at me suddenly very amused. I knew why.

I had light pajamas on, gloves, socks, and because I had been feeling quite silly at that time, a scarf wrapped around my neck, which was what he found humorous. My hair was very wet, still dripping from the shower, but I smelled better, and probably looked better.. No need to tell him that I saw black spots after I exited the shower and had to grab onto my bathroom sink to stop me from falling down to the tile. Especially since that feeling passed so quickly that I almost doubted that it had taken place at all.

"I don't think that will be necessary " Scott said as he unwound the thing from around my neck. Stepping in a little closer than he had to as if he wanted to breath me in.

He let it drop to the ground, I waited for him to pick it up and place it elsewhere since he was a very neat, meticulous person, but he didn't even bother.

"What side would you like to sleep on?" He asked me, causing me to look away from the scarf and back up at him.

"I can sleep on your couch."

He laughed at that.

"You sure don't make it easy for a guy do you?" Scott took my hand and lead me to his bed where the covers were already turned down. Making sure I understood where he wanted me to be.

"Whichever side is ok." I finally said, giving in completely. Most people wouldn't be so apprehensive about the sharing of a bed with Scott Summers. But, I wasn't most people.

I didn't bring up my skin, didn't warn him that I could hurt him. He knew. I knew. He went and grabbed me a towel which I placed on the pillow for my wet hair..

I got in on the right side, under the fresh smelling and soft sheet. I had picked the part of the bed closer to the door, usually I like to sleep closer to the window.. but... Scott got in also and turned off the light, but not before I saw how pleased he was. He brought the covers over him and then over me, which was unnecessary, but rather charming. He leaned over toward me like he wanted to do something, but then thought better of it.. Rolling over to the left side of the bed he told me goodnight.

That's it? I remembered thinking. But that wasn't it. Somewhere along the line we started to talk. We didn't stop until many hours later..

Scott positioned on his side looking at me through the dark, me lying on my back looking over at him every once and a while.

We laughed, I cried. Which made him scoot closer to me and embrace me lightly for a couple long minutes.We joked and he said things that made me blush profusely and leave me with nothing to say in response as I became even more aware of his proximity to me. I don't know who fell asleep first, I think him though, because I remember the soothing sound of his soft breathing as it slowed down and smoothed out. I fell asleep right after him, allowing myself a couple more conscious moments of feeling his hand resting on my arm, and the way I felt such peace. Such contentment.

It was an unconventional way to end such a frightening day.


	22. Tuesday June 22 2010

**10:37 AM**

It's been over a week since I last wrote. And I now have new info about the cure.

McCoy, after we returned back from the last mission, spent three whole days on the dang thing, hardly getting any sleep or rest. He wouldn't leave the Med lab. Hardly eating except when someone that the Professor designated took a sandwich or some other food down to him. But the results are in. The cure _does_ work. But like everything, there is a price. He said he ran the final test several times to make sure. Testing it on several DNA samples, ones that contained different kinds of mutation. It seems that it blocks the mutation - turning it off, but in doing so somehow the X-gene that has been designated as that which gives us our gifts, somehow builds up in the body and after a certain time frame it becomes toxic and then deadly. Depending on the type and intensity of the persons mutant gene and powers it would (and this part was supposition on McCoy's part, although his guesses are better than a lot of people's facts).. in less that five to ten years at the most, kill the person who took it...

I wasn't going to write about this, I was kinda ashamed.. but now I see no reason not to, since there is obviously no possibility of me taking the deadly treatment.

About a day after I found out about the cure, I snuck out of the mansion and went to one of the hospitals that was advertising it's availability. There was a line outside with mutants wanting to get it. So many different kinds, most of them with outward mutations, like scaly skin, pointed ears, or orange or even brown fury bodies. Stuff like that. I had one of my favorite cloaks on, pulled over my face. I felt like I was dealing in subterfuge.

I was so close to getting it, I even got in line. I disappeared in the waiting crowd, trying hard not to listen to the hopeful buzz of conversation around me. For some reason it was bringing me down and making me depressed. I couldn't stop thinking about what I would be without my mutation. Ordinary. I would be ordinary. But I wanted to touch _so_ bad. Not have to be afraid of accidentally bumping into someone or making contact unexpectedly and then draining pieces of them into me. Siphoning their soul.

But obviously I never took it. I don't know why I changed my mind. I waited over two hours in line. It was when I heard a voice say "Next" and it was directed at me that I finally made up my mind. It's funny that something as small as that can put your thoughts in order and help you decide.

I was an X-men. I was Rogue. Marie hardly even exists anymore. Marie is a faded memory that got stolen at age 17. She wasn't coming back. And although she is inside of me, hoping and dreaming and wishing for love. She is a smaller part of me.

Maybe one day she will disappear completely. Maybe not.

There. I wrote it down. I wanted someone to know even if it is just a white screen on my computer monitor, in a document that will never get read. I will _never_ tell anyone. At least not in the immediate future. There are some things that you have to bury and keep to your self. Regrets and self doubts.

And mistakes you almost made...

I find myself every once and a while thinking back to the last fight. You know the one where I was betrayed by yet another person. ... I don't know why I thought seeing John the next time would go a little differently than it did. I certainty didn't think he would make a point of singling me out of everyone else as he bombard me with flashes of fire. Maybe he was trying to prove a point. One that I didn't get. One I still don't understand.

Seems like the place where Leech had been located has been burned to the ground. Guess who's handy work. The main research for the cure took place there and from the bits and pieces that the news people relay, it seems a lot of information, research etc. was lost in the fire. Although luckily no one was killed.

I had been watching the news with Kitty, who when she saw that, told me how Bobby and her had run into Pyro who was torching everything while they had been trying to depart from the facility. (Their assignment had taken them longer than expected and they were the last in the building, the building had already been emptied of it's personal after McCoy tricked the system into believing there was a fire which sounded the alarm and gave them a good twelve minutes for everyone to perform their designated duty before the firefighters came. Kitty and Bobby's job was to download the mutant cure files and then unleash a virus that would destroy the networked computer system. Kitty has always been good with computers, so that task was suited for her) Kitty knew she had smelt smoke but Bobby hadn't believed her... But then they bumped into Pyro... Pyro purposively taunted Bobby with his powers and his words which caused Bobby to run after him in anger. She had tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen to her.. They got into a huge fight, by the time Kitty arrived at the scene (several minutes later she wanted to see if she could get the water sprinklers on which McCoy had turned off when he sounded the false alarm) she said they both had come to blows and were yelling at one another.

Something like:

"I thought you were my friend!"

"You thought wrong."

Bobby being somewhat emotional, Pyro pissed off. It ended up that Kitty had to forcefully drag Bobby from the fight. The office they were in was burning and the fire was spreading, even with the water pouring down on them from overhead. She ended up phasing them through the floor all the way down to the sub basement, where afterwards they both made their escape...

The way Bobby and Pyro acted when they encountered each other in my presence I wouldn't have thought they had already come across one another. All though they did exchange some pretty even looks.

So much for friendship.

Storm had tried to put out the fire, making it rain, but it spread very quickly and ended up making contact with a gas line and by then there was nothing she could do except to contain it and make sure it didn't try to encompass the surrounded wooded area. There was a neighborhood not far away and even a couple farms. I kinda remembered smelling the effects of fire when I arrived at the scene, but there was so much action there that it could have been because of a lot of different things. It _was_ mutants they were fighting. With powers unknown for the most part. So that smell could have been anything.

There is a part of me that sees Pyro becoming more like Magneto and Mystique. I mean he was so apathetic and inhuman. And he does seem rather close to them both. Always by their side. Although more of a haphazard leader than a follower like most of the brotherhood. Kitty did say they heard him shouting out commands to some of Magnetos's men. I guess he is rising in power. Or rising in the ranks. Don't expect me to send him a congratulatory card.

But enough about him. He isn't my responsibility. And even if a part of me doesn't want to give up on him even after everything he has done, another part of me tells me that I am delusional and that he is the was he wants to be, was meant to be? One of the brotherhood. With Magneto. With the _bad _people...

Oh, I got an e-mail from Kurt, haven't heard from him in a while. He is of course down in Germany, he left after he helped Xavier and the rest of us with repairs on the mansion after the Stryker incident. He is considered a part time X-men. Even if I haven't seen him in quite a while and has only been on two official missions. We actually became quick friends, I guess one rule if you want to make friends with the Rogue girl is to save her life. It certainly doesn't hurt.

Kurt actually took me to church a couple times before he left, one a catholic and then another a Baptist one. I felt out of place at both. Too many memories of my parents mixed in with the faith I once had.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Kurt is coming for a visit... I actually haven't thought of him in a while, but he was always so good to me, such a positive and inspiring person to be around.

So I'll see him again in a few weeks. His visit something I will look forward to.

He'll probably want to take me to church again, and try to convince me there is a God. But see, I _do_ know there is a God. I just, don't know why he lets all these horrible things happen and why things are the way they are if he truly cared. And my parents were believers, and look how they treated me.

Outcast. Leaper. _Mutant_.

But then again wasn't Jesus an outcast? Betrayed. Even sacrificed. And the best part risen from the dead! You think I would identify with him more. Feel something other than indifference along with a bitter anger directed at my mother and father.

Thinking of Kurt always does this to me, makes me digress back to B.M.M. (Before my Mutation) and especially back to when I still had faith. Still believed.

Wonder if he has e-mailed Ororo? They had gotten pretty close before he left...

Lets see I have had at least three _long_ conversations with Xavier. One was with McCoy as they both took me privately aside and told me about the findings regarding the cure. I thought I handled myself well. I think they expected me to be upset, bitter and disheartened. But I had by then already made my mind up regarding it, so I was rather composed during McCoy's disclosure. He added after he had summarized everything up, that he could indeed create a cure himself, using what had been acquired at the facility as a template. It would only take about three years. Three years with no sleep, no eating, no recreational activities and no interruptions. I think that was a joke. Although I am sure he is going to continue working on it. He is a Geneticist. That is one of the things he does.

McCoy did tell me a very important thing that I can't believe I actually didn't write about first. See, the cure might be deadly, but by watering it down with certain other chemicals he said that it could provide a temporary yet harmless cure for about a day. A day! No wonder they wanted to talk to me in private. I think he wants me to test it for him when he gets that far. And I think McCoy knows I would. But it still might be a couple months away.. or longer. He made no promises, although he told me he would work on it diligently.

After I thought about it later I wish I asked him if I could take it more than once...

But what would I do with even one day of skin freedom? Lets see, touch Bobby just to freak him out. Go swimming in just a swimsuit and not anything extra. Go sunbathing even if I would just burn. Do Jubilee's makeup. Give some people some _real _hugs... Corner Scott and give him a kiss that would leave us both breathless.

Funny. Whenever I thought about the possibility of contact throughout the time I have been here at the mansion, Scott wasn't even on that got to touch list.

But Logan sure was. Boy did I _want_ to touch Logan. But now I wouldn't touch him to slap him.

Ok, so we aren't getting along lately. I think he hates me.

That's probably not true, I know. But is attitude toward me lately. As if I have done something wrong or offended him...

Or maybe he just doesn't care about me that way he used to. He _does_ have Ororo. He doesn't need me. He probably never did.

Ok, so I am thinking back to that promise he made me on the train, about taking care of me. He didn't say _how_ he would take care of me. And now when I think about those words of his I feel strange inside, especially since this dream I recently had..

Not that him taking care of me is his job, promise or not.

I guess the mature thing to do is try to patch things up with him before thing get worse. Yes. I do kinda miss him.

Ok, I really miss him. Even after my subconscious gives me nightmares with him in it.

Mr Gruff, Cigar smokin' look at me the wrong way and I'll gut you Logan.

What's not to miss!

About the dream/nightmare I was talking about earlier, I kinda wanted to write that down, maybe get it out of my system so it didn't freak me out so. I hate when dreams do that to me. They aren't even real! And yet!

What I dreamt about involved Scott and Logan. It kinda creeped me out.

It started with me sitting on a couch with Scott. We weren't saying anything. He was touching me, his hand running up the length of my arm and then back down. I could feel his bare skin against mine. I had been wearing a shirt I would never where in reality, it had spaghetti straps and left my arms totally exposed.

His hands made their way to my face, one of his fingers trailing over my lips. Then his right hand was in my hair which was loose, then at the back of my neck. Once he did that he pulled on my slightly making me lean over and look up at him.

"Your so beautiful." He whispered to me. "Let me kiss you.. "

I didn't say anything but knew I wasn't going to stop him. I _wanted_ him to. He was leaning toward me, my heart beating faster with anticipation.

I closed my eyes and waited for contact.

But it didn't come.

"Marie."

My eyes snapped open at _that_ name. Scott was gone, so was the couch. I was lying in my bed, Logan looking down at me from where he stood.

"Logan?"

"I smell him on you.. "

I got out of my bed that I had somehow gotten in, I had been lying under a blanket that was way to warm and uncomfortable. I couldn't help but notice the crazed look that was in Logan's eyes. Nor the fact that all I was wearing was an oversized shirt to cover me. I backed away from Logan but remained standing.

"Where's Scott?"

His eyes got large at my question. His breathing ragged.

"Do you _want_ him?"

I looked at him puzzled and frightened. He had soft beads of sweat lining his forehead, his absolute concentration on me.

"Want him?"

He grabbed my arm and shook me slightly.

"Don't play the innocent with me Marie. I know you better than you know yourself." He paused loosening his hold on me. But then suddenly grabbed me again as he yanked me and thrust me against the wall. His hand was around my neck, his hot breath playing across my face. "Your wants, your desires.. you really think prep boy could satisfy those?"

"You're hurting me Logan!" I managed to choke out. His fingers pressing faintly but very noticeably into my throat, making breathing a little difficult as it constricted my air flow. "Please let go of me!"

"Tell me what you want first." He started rubbing my neck, the crazed look in his eyes intensifying. "Tell me you still want me."

"No!" I screamed at him, using his adamantium skeleton and Magneto's powers to throw him off of me. "Stay away from me!"

I ran out of my room, down the stair case. Everything was so dark and ominously quiet.

I looked for someone, anyone. But no one was there. I ran to the Professor office, I saw the light was on and I immediately felt better. I opened the door and walked in.

Logan was there waiting for me. Sitting on Xavier's leather couch, calmly smoking one his Canadian cigars.

"Do you really think you could get away from me that easily? Don't you know by now that you belong to me?"

Logan put the cigar out in a tray next to him and got off the couch. He then approached me slowly.

"Don't worry, I got rid of Scott for you, he won't be bothering you anymore." He smiled queerly at me.

"What do y'mean?" I asked him, my voice coming out in a pathetic screech.

He brought one of his hands in the air and released one of his claws.

"What do you think I mean?" I looked at them, the sharp metal gleaming in the soft office light. "Do you really think I would allow him to continue _touching_ you?"

'He.. He.."

"Loved you?" I heard the past tense and that added to my already sickened feeling "Nobody could care for you the way I do."

I dropped to the ground and started crying. Logan approached me and put a hand on my shoulder. It made my stomach turn. As did his next words.

"Don't worry Marie... I'll take care of you.. I promise."

That is when I woke up...

So that is pretty much it, or all I want to write about for now.

I guess I still haven't been in the best of moods lately, that is why Jubilee is making me go out with her tonight. She says if I don't come out of the saddened state I have put myself in, that she was going to knock me silly. Oh friends! Aren't they wonderful!

Jubilee seems really happy for me ever since she found me in Scott's room all those days ago, she can't get that wacky smile off her face whenever the three of us are in the room together. Even with her knowing that nothing happened except some very much needed sleep and some interesting conversation. But she said for me sharing a bed with someone, especially that someone being a male.. was like her running around the house naked. Her and her phrasing. I think she needs to cut down on the coffee and Dr pepper. And it's not like she hasn't practically done that anyway with some of the clothes she wears sometimes. And there was that one time she came to my room in just a towel to borrow a hair brush and on the way back to her room she bumped into Logan and her towel almost fell off. So maybe her words meant nothing. Nothing at all...

Well, speaking of Jubilee she is going to be knocking on my door at any minute. We are going to the movies. I know, I usually don't do that sort of thing. But it is a weekday. Jubilee promised it wouldn't be busy and she really wants to see this romantic comedy... and well.. I told her I would go. At least we are getting food afterwards. Yes. I will keep reminding myself that as we sit through the probably more than likely agonizing movie.

The things I do for that girl.


	23. Friday June 25 2010

It was a dark and gloomy night when we left the theatre. There was fog, slight drizzling of rain and a chilly breeze that kept brushing against my ears and face.

It had been perfect.

I thought my night couldn't get much worst, I mean the movie Jubilee made us watch was horrible, and left me feeling, well, like crap. Her and her romantic comedies. At least there was nobody at the movie theatre though, hardly any gushy lovey dovey couple or kids screaming and laughing and talking through it all.

There might as well have been.

So we were heading to Jubilee's car, me admiring the night while Jubilee was pouting because of what the moisture was doing to her hair and makeup. It was time to get food, cheeseburgers or Mexican or something good if I had a say in it. The area where we had parked was empty, Jubilee parked in the far back to avoid traffic, she said it was easier to get out at the nearby exit. She was getting her keys out about to open her door when things for me and for her got worse.

Right when she put the key into her door and started to turn it, a flash of something almost like a small bug zoomed past me and impaled itself right by her hand, nearly getting her.

And then it started beeping.

I have seen enough action flicks and Sci-fi movies to know what_ that_ meant. Seemingly so did Jubilee. We both jumped and rolled out of the way, just when Jubilee's car exploded. Wheels whizzing by us along with the hood of the car which nearly took both our heads off.

"What!" Jubilee screamed as we both got up off the ground once the debris stopped flying. We were both looking at her car which was now just a pile of junk that was still partially on fire. "My car!" She said with such fury and horror that I felt sorrow for her lost vehicle. She started to run toward it, when I grabbed her arm.

Three men were coming out of an alleyway, wearing dark blue uniforms with bands on their arms, I couldn't see what the insignia said but after they walked into some moonlight I saw the F.O.H. initials quite clearly. They stopped several feet away from us.

"Rogue and Jubilee I presume," the one who looked like the leader said to us. "You are to come with us." His words were very gritty and threatening. I am sure whatever group he leads he must command them with absolute obedience, but he was _definitely_ not going to get that from us.

And what is with my life? Can't I even see a crappy movie and get some fast food without some jerk, bad person or all around evil doer trying to put a wrench in my already somewhat screwed up life? A strange, kinda scary part of me thought it was funny in a round about way, but before the night was over, I would see how wrong I was.

"Come with you! You Friends of Humanity Bastards blew up my car! " Jubilee shouted at the men, color rising in her naturally tanned cheeks. "Do you think just because we are mutants that we are also stupid?.." She laughed darkly. "You picked the wrong two people to mess with! And the wrong car to destroy!" She brought her hands up in what most people would have known was a very threatening manner, but none of the men seemed worried nor made any retaliatory moves.

"I don't know if _people_ would be the right word," the leader man with the large mustache and calculating eyes said "Scum? Sure. Vermin? OK. But a _person_, a human being? Not even on your _best_ day." He paused for a second, a small eerie smile appearing on his face. "A nice color yellow, especially for a car.. sure makes a nice target, we didn't even have to wear our night vision goggles to tag that."

Jubilee became angrier as she raised her hands higher, but I knew she wouldn't do anything yet. Scott and the Professor have drilled into us, that when you can, it is better to watch what your opponent is up to, let them make the first move. Or something like that. I guess that one stuck, although I could see Jubilee was having a hard time with that, specially with what they did to her baby, her car.

He looked at Jubilee and me and then behind us. I was watching the two men by his side. One who had a rifle, another one with a smaller gun, which although wasn't out of his holster, his fingers were resting on the tip of the barrel. But somehow I didn't think they were there to kill us. Or they would have done so already. Not that they didn't almost get us with that car bomb.

So I had been carefully keeping my eyes on everybody, but my attention shifted when I realized someone was approaching us from behind. I didn't want to take my attention of the men in front of us, but I had no choice.

I couldn't believe who it ended up being. Gambit! Gambit who I thought was down in New Orleans. Gambit who lived in the Xavier Mansion for the Gifted, trained with us, and sometimes fought along side us. He didn't look at me or Jubilee, just walked over to the commanding officer and stopped to the side.

"Dese are dem." He said, confirming something. Although there seemed no need. They already knew who we were. I couldn't help wondering if he got paid forty pieces of silver.

"As you see ladies.. and I use that term _very_ loosely.." He paused, his lips curving upwards. "We did pick the two right... people."

"What do y'want from us?" I said directing my question at the leader. But before he could even open his mouth I shot out another question. "And what are y'doing here.. with them?"

Gambit looked up for the first time, I saw the shame in his features, his eyes that didn't hold their usual mirth.

"Remy sorry Petite, he had no choice.. he."

"Enough!" Remy flinched when the mustache man spoke, and then turned toward the speaking man, sudden anger showing in his face. Yet he didn't do anything with his hostility.

The man motioned at the men with the weapons and pointed at us.

"I think we have had enough fun for one night... take 'em Fred.. Harry."

The man to his right and left quickly complied as they pointed their menacing weapons at us.

Gambit took a couple steps back and turned, as if he couldn't watch. I would have taken the weapons from them right away, but knew they weren't metal.

Jubilee acted first as she blasted the leader man with some colorful sparks. Throwing him away from us down on the parking lot. He didn't get off the ground, all though he was still moving.

"Jerk!" Jubilee spat out, and then directed more of her pyrotechnics toward the other two. They covered their eyes and one dropped his weapon.

We looked at each other and without having to say anything, just a nod or two of the head pointed in certain directions, we both knew what we were going to do. Jubilee took the man on the right, I took the one on the left.. the guy that was still holding his weapon.

I was a couple feet away, not as silent as I could have been, when the man started blindly shooting his gun off in all directions, he actually almost got me. Right away I saw it wasn't bullets, they were some sort of darts, obviously holding something, probably a sedative.

He ran out though, and I heard his gun start making clicking noises telling both me and him that his weapon was empty.

I closed the distance between us and shot out with my fist, making contact with the man's nose. Retaliating he kicked out, getting me on my side. I fell to the ground winded and surprised. He came up behind me, his eyes now wide open, obviously recovered from Jubilees blast. Grabbing my hair he made me look up at him. His noise was bleeding and looked broken.

"You broke my nose!" The man raged, his words confirming my thoughts. "You'll pay for that you mutie whore!"

Whore? Me? I think not.

I recovered quickly, my breath coming back to me. Using my right hand I grabbed the mans boot, he tried to kick it away, but I froze it to the ground before it made contact. Luckily that made him release his hold on me, the tension on my head loosening, although I still lost some hair.

He tried to break free from the ice prison his feet was encased in, using his unloaded weapon he struck against it, breaking off pieces.. I knew he would be free soon.

Getting up off the hard ground I lifted my hands over my head while looking the man square in the face, noticing for the first time the man's intense green eyes that flashed at me with hate, defiance and the need for violence. Too busy watching my hands he didn't see the huge chuck of metal that looked to be one of Jubilee's car doors come from the side. It struck him, breaking his foot loose from the ice and sending him flying. Crashing against a metal fence he fell down to the ground. He wouldn't be getting up any time soon.

Turning around I saw Jubilee was running toward me, she had done well also. Although her jacket was torn, and her hair was in disarray.

I looked for Gambit but didn't see him. And then I saw the commander guy crawling and slithering like a snake and grabbing onto a downed weapon. It made a screeching noise as he brought it across the pavement toward and into his hand.

Jubilee turned around and saw what was happening, her eyes widened as the man took aim and fired. At me.

I am sure I could have avoided it. Rolled or something. Why did Jubilee have to jump in from of it? Why! **WHY!?**

She grunted when the small object dug itself into her shoulder. Her eyes large and yet blank. And then she dropped to the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. The man made a show of getting off the ground and going toward her. But him touching her, getting her. Was _not_ going to happen.

I jumped off the ground and shot out toward him, not realizing that I was flying, my stomach parallel to the ground my hands outstretched. I collided with the man, the impact made sharp stabs of pain shoot through my hand and up my arms. He fell over, I landed and kicked him in the leg, He cursed, tried to hit me, but I easily avoided.

I froze his weapon to the ground before he tried to get it again. He called me a couple names that I am not going to bother to repeat and grabbed a radio off his belt. I _knew _that was metal. I crushed it easily just by looking at it, the remnants of it dropped out of his hand and fell to the ground. I think he was just about to call for reinforcements.

Jumping in the air I spun around and kicked him again, this time making contact with his face. His head shot back and he fell on the ground. Moving some metal with my mind, I bent it, covering him in it like a cocoon, the only part left showing was his face.

I stood over him, not feeling triumphant or good. But feeling bitter and lost. And _beyond_ mad.

"What do y'want with us?" I questioned, watching as the man continued to squirm as he tried to get loose. That was not going to happen though. He was going to need the jaws of life for that.

"_Want_ with _you_?" He stopped fussing for a moment as he laughed. "We don't want you, we want what's inside of you. _Know thy enemy_. And what better way than to open you up and see what makes you tick."

He continued to laugh, his eyes boring into mine. I had enough. Stepping close I leaned down toward him. Picking one of the darts off the ground I brought it up to his neck.

He stopped laughing, but didn't seem that concerned.. so I pricked him with it. His eyes got cloudy, his head fell back and he blacked out. From his reaction I took it that the barb I had just used on him, that had been used on Jubilee, was not deadly. Just a sedative of some sort. Or at least that is what I hoped.

But I had to know. _Had_ to have answers. I peeled off my glove, it seemed to take an eternity, I always wanted to touch, but I didn't want to touch _that_ man.

I finally brought a finger down on the side of his left cheek. my draining of him starting immediately. He was there to capture us, but not because they wanted to cut us open, not exactly, he was there because the Friends Of Humanity needed some test subjects for some project or another they were working on. Mike, the mans name was, didn't have all the details and wasn't privy to all that information, he was just a soldier doing his job, following his orders.

I suddenly knew what was running through Jubilee's blood stream. Although it was a sedative, it was also a poison. If she didn't get an antidote in twelve hours she would never wake up, ever again. And Mike didn't carry it around with him. I saw a building, maps and directions to a place that held more answers, and what I would need to save my closest friend in the world. I knew the man had a vehicle a block away, not far from where we were. I somehow was able to get to his keys, a small opening was in the middle of the metal binding that allowed me to find them in his front pocket.

I also knew he hadn't gotten permission to use such deadly force against us, let alone engage us. He was supposed to drug us and take us, not to give us any warning. But he had been curious to see how good the X-men really were.

I got up off the ground. Shaking slightly from the contact and the knowledge I had just gained. Being new York, I heard no sirens, no sounds of cop cars coming to investigate. We were in a pretty isolated area, behind the Theatre.. But you think someone would have heard the explosion, even if it wasn't as large and loud as it could have been. Of course anybody that did hear would have thought it was just some movie playing louder than usual.

Just my Luck. Not that I wanted to have cops on the scene. I could hear myself trying to explain. Probably get to the point of saying we were attacked because we were mutants and be in handcuffs before I finished the sentence.

I made my way over to Jubilee a little wobbly yet tense, realizing I was going to have to somehow pick her up and drag her to Mike's vehicle that was far enough away. But then I heard someone approaching me from behind. I _knew_ it was Gambit. I just knew.

I got off the ground, turned around and brought my hands up, my body already in a defensive position.

"What the heck d'y want? Come t'fiish the job off?" I bellowed, not bothering to hide my acrimony or my displeasure in seeing him.

He didn't say anything, but I saw the contrition and guilt playing across his face. He slowly took the trench coat off that he was wearing and threw it to the side. Then, his hands moving quickly, Gambit brought a twelve inch metal staff out of his pocket which he released to its full length of about four feet in one fluid movement.

And then he came after me.

I took the metal stick out of his hands with just a thought, it was as if I called it toward me. It practically jumped out of Gambit's hands and flew into mine.

He stopped in his tracks.

I opened my palm, allowed the stick to hover out of it and them advanced it toward Gambit. He easily avoided the object, dogging out of the way as it hurled past him. I reversed the rod, allowed it to pick up speed as it flew a couple feet off the ground.. knocking it in his back. He fell forward, rolled smoothly and then jumped back to his feet.

That is when the cards came out of nowhere, small explosions all around me. Some larger than others. I couldn't seem to think, my worry for Jubilee clouded me somewhat. I tried to push it out of my mind but it wouldn't go away. And it didn't help that I was **very **angry. A no no in any kind of fight. Or so they say.

I avoided them, but some got too close, one finally knocked me off my feet. Gambit came out of nowhere. Standing above me as the smoke cleared.

"Gambit sorry Petite.. He really is.. He didn't want t'do this!"

He held an eight of spades in his hand. Don't ask me how I remember that. He was charging it up slowly while looking down at me with open regret. And then he threw it, not at me, but past me, obviously wanting me alive but unconscious.

I put up my hands outward not knowing what I was doing as a magnetic field appeared that deflected his card and caused it to explode prematurely. Getting to my feet, someone grabbed me from behind.

Gambit sure was fast. I'll give him that.

"Gambit underestimated y'petite dats goin' t'get him in a lot of trouble." I heard the despair in his words, not fear out of what might happen to him like he was trying to say. But more directed at something he couldn't control or stop. "Best he ends dis before y'win."

I didn't know what he meant at the time, I thought he was going to try something obviously, but not the action he took. Gambit turned me around, before I could push him away, kick him or anything else, his hand was on my face. _His bare hand._ I hadn't even seen him take his gloves off.

His memories flooded into me, his powers as well. I tried to release myself from his hold but he had a firm grip on me and things were becoming hazy. I know I dropped to the ground at some point and the contact finally ended. My breathing was short and shallow, my veins burning.

And Gambit who had fallen slightly to my side looked dead. How long had we been touching? How long?

I looked at Gambits figure and felt self loathing toward me, sorta feeling like I was him. His emotions and recent regrets strangling me and thrashing about in my head.

I knew why he did it. I knew why he had to. They had his wife. His ex wife actually. If he didn't bring us to them, they would kill her. And he knew their threats were serious. They had already killed her sister to get to her. To get to him. I also knew that it was him that gave our location to the F.O.H., him that sabotaged the jet that Scott and I had been on that nearly killed us when it got attacked by an E.M.P. weapon. It was his test to show the F.O.H. that he would indeed do their bidding. But he hadn't known I was going to be on board. And Gambit had become panic-stricken when he found out. For he cared for me more than he wanted to acknowledge, more than he had meant to.

I saw flashes of a blond woman, moments spent with her, passion and fights. And more fights. And loss of love. And yet...

It was happening again. I was loosing myself.

I focused on Gambit, crawled over to him, thinking I was dead. Staring down at _my_ body. But he wasn't dead, his chest moving up and down slowly. And that wasn't my body.

I struggled to my feet, my balance uneasy. One thought filling my head louder than the others. I had to get out of there. I still had the keys in my hands. How I had held on them that long was something I didn't care to question.

I made my way over to Jubilee knowing that I had to get out of there, before the contingency plan went in place. The one where more F.O.H. militia came looking for their comrades. I got one of the little darts and carefully placed it into my right glove that I had taken off earlier and them put it into my pocket...

Luckily Jubilee was a lightweight or there was no way I could have pulled her to the jeep that belonged to Mike. I managed to get her into the passenger seat, buckle her in and hurriedly make it over to the drivers side.

I was working on pure instinct then, my thoughts not really my own, my actions as if there were being performed by someone else.

I started the car, leaned over and pulled out a gun in the glove compartment that I knew was going to be there, placing it on my lap. I have never liked guns. But suddenly it made me feel safer and more secure.

It took me over twenty minutes to make it back to the mansion. It was only a ten minute drive. Twenty minutes of Gambits self-reproach and self-loathing for his duplicitous actions seeping into me, Mikes blinding hatred and animosity, and me trying to put it all in order and sort it out.

I had actually had a moment of clarity when I realized I had a cell phone, or actually Mike had a cell phone. Jubilee had one in her purse but it had a dead battery in it. She had been meaning to charge it, but being Jubilee she had forgotten. So I got the phone, dialed the number, and right when someone picked up and said hello, the phone started glowing and I had to throw it out the window. The thing exploded seconds after it's release. Fortunately there was nobody on the road with me, or I would have caused some damage or inflicted injuries.

So I made it to the mansion. Stopped and put in my code that would open the gate, doing so habitually and then sped on through once my path was no longer blocked. I didn't make it to the garage instead I parked on the front lawn. If you can call what I did parking. I actually crashed into a tree. Or else I might not have stopped at all. Good thing I had actually slowed down at that point.

Unbuckling myself, I slowly got out of the jeep and placed the gun in the back of my pants, it seemed so natural as if I have done it many times before.

Seeing the mansion helped me gain more control of everything that was going on in my head as my purpose became more apparent.

I burst into the house. People where already running toward the front trying to see what was going on, Logan was one of them. He grabbed me when he saw my bedraggled appearance.

"What's happened?" He asked me, his voice strong yet forceful. His arms on me making me feel secure and protected.

"Jubilee." I sputtered out. "Jubilee. Friends of Humanity."

His eyes got wide at that as he uttered a couple obscenities.

"What going on?"

That was Scott, I heard him, but didn't respond. I grabbed hold of Logan, so hard that it hurt. And looked up at him, my eyes pleading.

"Please get Jubilee Logan, she's outside.. Please.." Logan seemed quite satisfied that I asked him. And I swore I saw him quickly look toward Scott and gloat.

He finally shook his head yes, although he didn't move right away. Logan didn't seem to want to let go of me or to leave my side.. He looked down at me once more before releasing me, I still saw the worry but this time I clearly saw tenderness, and warmth of feeling that I haven't seen from him in a while. Especially not directed at me. Taking off toward the front of the house, Logan barked at the curious kids, making them back off and scatter as he made them part like Moses with the Red Sea as he ran through them.

"Rogue?"

It was the Professor. I half heard him as my head started to spin, I suddenly felt weak and very spent.

_"Rogue?"_ He repeated, that time inside my head.

"Don't do that!" I shouted at him, not wanted anything else, or for that matter anyone else in my head at the moment.

That is when I passed out.


	24. Friday June 25 2010 Continued

I came to slowly, I heard voices, two angry ones, one calm and in control. Scott, Logan and the Professor.

Tediously opened my eyes, flashes of pain shot through them adding to a headache I realized I had. They all became silent as they realized I was coming to. I had three men staring down at me. Xavier in front, Logan sitting on the desk, Scott standing frigidly with his hands in clenched fists.

"She's awake." Scott said, to no one in particular.

Logan got off the desk.

"Thanks for the update Cyke, would have never been able to figure that one out on my own."

Scott started to come toward me, but Logan picked up his pace, shoved him to the side and leaned down at my side.

"How y'feeling Rogue?" He asked me, his voice low and soft, I almost forgot how gentle he could be when he wanted.

I sat up slowly, rubbing my head as I put my legs over the side of the couch, legs that suddenly felt like they were made out of cement.

And that's when everything came back to me.

I got off the sofa, faster than I should have, swayed a little and nearly fell over. Logan though, was already on his feet, and he caught my arm and steadied me.

"Where's Jubilee?" I questioned Logan, wondering how long I had been out. My eyes found Xavier's clock quickly and I nearly screamed when I saw the time.

I had been out for over two hours. I did some calculating in my head, the movie ended at 9:30, we got attacked around 9:45? Jubilee got hit around 9:55.. it was now 12:07 That left about ten hours to get the antidote.

"She's fine." Xavier offered in his usual placid manner. "She's down in the med lab, McCoy is with her as we speak.." He frowned slightly and I saw the flash of distress in his features before he was able to hide it. "But.. " He started.

"She won't wake up." I finished, getting out of Logan's hold and taking a couple careful steps. Making sure I could indeed stand. "I have to see her!"

"She's in capable hands Rogue." Scott told me, empathy in his voice, while giving a marked look to Logan that I didn't miss.

"Y'don't understand, " I almost shouted, shaking my head as I started to panic, "Jubilee has been drugged... Poisoned, if we don't get her the antidote she will die in less than ten hours." I knew the F.O.H. did that so either they would get us for their diabolical plan or we would die from lack of treatment. Either way they would win.. in their eyes

"How do you know this?" Scott inquired quietly from where he was standing beside Xavier.

"How do you think, haven't you noticed she's missing a glove." Logan informed everyone.

All eyes made their way to my un gloved right hand, I had almost forgotten about that. And. Uh oh. I brought my hands to the back of my pants knowing what I was looking for wasn't there, but reaching for it none the less. Logan saw what I was doing, lifted up his shirt in the back, and brought the gun out, holding it up in the air toward me.

"Looking for this?" He asked very amused. Too amused.

Xavier's eyebrows rose, while Scott became angry. I saw his jaw muscles tighten and his words came out seething with ill will toward Logan. I think if the Professor hadn't been there that he would have knocked Logan off his feet. With his fist or an optic blast. Either way, Logan would have been down.

"You had _that _weapon in _this_ room the whole time and said nothing!"

"I have three adamantium claws in each of my hands but I don't feel the need to tell everyone that every time I enter a room.. besides.." Logan said, shrugging and then flipping the weapon over. "I took the clip out, and the extra bullet in the chamber, it can't cause any harm."

Logan turned and put it down on Xavier's desk with a very loud thud. I actually jumped a little at that, my nerves slightly on edge.

Everyone was looking at me again.

"I.. I was able to get one of the darts.. with the sedative in it..." I started to fidget with my right pocket, bringing out my glove. I opened it up and everyone looked at the small object nestled there. "Maybe this could help?"

Professor came forward, carefully taking the glove and dart away from me. He examined it and then handed it to Scott before turning his attention back toward me.

"Maybe it's time you explain what's going on Rogue."

I sat down in a chair and slowly began. My worry for Jubilee very present in my mind as I tried to make them understand the dilemma and the need for a speedy response to the problems at hand.

I was very nervous as I told everyone, for some reason believing everyone would blame me. For it was my fault. Because after all I had betrayed them and led the soldiers to Rogue and Jubilee. Oh, wait that was Gambit. So that meant I didn't try to kill them either or blow up Jubilee's car? Oh, man. It was a confusing explanation that I had to offer everyone, but they somehow understood me. Through it every once and a while I would start cussing uncontrollably while feeling such loathing and intolerance toward them for no reason at all, except.. and other times I broke out in Cajun French, that got curious looks more than my foul language and left them with more questions that I had to answer. Although they kinda figured it out when my left glove started to glow, and I had to jump out of my chair and throw it out the window.

That got me some very interesting looks. Logan didn't seem surprised when I said Gambit had deceived us, but Scott and especially the Professor were.

But finally we were getting somewhere.

"When do we leave?" Logan asked, after I told them I knew where a F.O.H. building was that held what we desired.

Scott and Xavier exchanged glances. It was Xavier who answered.

"It seems as soon as possible, we have no choice but to go."

"Good." I stood up feeling better than I had when I found myself waking up on Xavier's couch over twenty minutes ago. "We have wastin' enough time lolygagin', it's time for some action." I couldn't believe that was me speaking, so forceful and raring for a fight.

"Wait a minute Rogue," Scott approached me, putting a hand on my shoulder, "You've absorbed two people, aren't acting quite like yourself and.. you have a new power that you don't have control of, I'm afraid your going to have to sit this one out."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, or the fact that Professor Xavier seemed to agree with him. Only Logan sat there quietly, his eyes narrowed, his features pensive.

"You can't be serious! There is no way your leavin' me behind! Y'need me! " I said, my voice one of desperation, "I know codes, and layouts and so many other things that will definitely come in handy! And this is Jubilees life that is at stake.. y'need every bit of help that y'can get. even if it is from a schizophrenic that has no control of her powers!"

Scott flinched as I threw his words back at him, he also let go of me and looked away from me, his expression unreadable.

"I say the kid can go, she will be more of an asset than in the way... she seems pretty in control to me.." Logan sat on the desk putting a cigar in his mouth, although not lighting it.

Scott flung around, his body tense and coiled.

"Who the hell made you leader!"

"I would say that would be you when you ran away from the responsibility!"

"Why you bas..."

"Enough!" The Xavier actually shouted, making the two look away from each other. Scott looking guilty, Logan looking aloof. Xavier sat up straighter in his wheelchair, let out a long sigh, clenched his hands in front of him and folded them in his lap.

"If Rogue feels up to the task, then I say she can go. But if the two of you can't work together on this one, then you will be the ones staying behind."

I could see that the Professor didn't like having to resort to treating the two like naughty children, but it did work as it had it's desired effect. Logan mumbled something incoherently while Scott seemed to lose some of the frigidness that was visible in his stance.

"I'm sorry Professor, I lost it, it won't happen again." I could hear in his words that he meant just the immediate future. Everyone knew that him and Logan would go at each others throats again, it was just a matter of time, and circumstance.

As soon as he finished those words I heard a commotion going on. Turning around I watched as Bobby thrust open Xavier's door in not his usual polite manner and nearly crashed in the room, he was looking bewildered, frightened and frantic.

"Professor!" He yelled as he made his way over to Xavier, totally ignoring the rest of us. "They got Kitty, I tried to stop them, but they surrounded us, and knocked us both out before I even knew what was happening. I woke up and Kitty was gone! Gone! They didn't even take me... what does that mean Professor? It's all my fault. I should have never.."

"Calm down Bobby.. " Professor said, his voice mainly composed while mixed with a mild dose of concern. He grabbed onto Bobby's lower arm. "Who's got Kitty?"

Bobby looked away from Xavier noticing us all for the first time. I saw tears in his eyes.

"The friends of Humanity." He spat out, his hostile emotions clear in his words.

"Are you sure?" Scott asked, taking Bobby and sitting him down on the couch. I turned around in my chair following their movement.

"Big guys, dark uniforms, military looking, large F.O.H. patches on side of their arms. Yeah I think it was them." Bobby snapped mordantly. Giving Scott an even look.

"Do you know why they took her?" The Professor wheeled off to the side, poured some water from a crystal pitcher into a glass and brought it to Bobby.

"No, I didn't even see them until I felt something prick me, and by them I was to out of it to do anything.. I tried... I really tried.." He said his voice getting caught in his throat.

"I'm sure you did..." Logan said, trying to reassure Bobby. He got off the desk and turned to the Professor. "Seems like Jubilee and Rogue weren't the only targets.. maybe we should make sure there is nobody else missing tonight. "

"Jubilee and Rogue?" Bobby asked. Sounded more self assured and stable.

"They were attacked in the theatre parking lot about two hours ago, Rogue was able to stop them from taking Jubilee, but she was struck with one of the darts and still hasn't come to." Scott told Bobby. His words said slowly in a disconcerted way.

"Is she going to be ok?" Bobby and Jubilee have never been the best of friends, but him inquiring about her, especially with genuine concern was touching.

"We aren't sure." Scott said regretfully. Giving me an empathetic look before turning his attention back to Bobby."But hopefully once we leave, we will find what we need."

"Your going after them!" Bobby said, quick on the uptake, jumping to his feet. "I'm going with you!"

Nobody argued with him when _he_ said it.

"Ok, Scott, Logan, Bobby and Rogue, I suggest you get prepped and leave right away, I will take this down to the med lab," he lifted my glove up in his hand carefully. Bobby looked at it confused, but didn't ask any questions "and get Ororo to help me with making sure everyone is accounted for, especially the female residents.. "

I hadn't quite comprehended the fact that the F.O.H. had been after just us girls until Xavier said that. I wish I knew why. But maybe I didn't want to know. Some things are best left in the dark.

Professor Xavier dismissed us, and we left his office faster then I could comprehend that the meeting was adjourned.

I found Bobby walking along side me, sullen and reticent. Until he realized I was by him. He looked over at me, while we were in the elevator, making our way down to the sub basement.

"You look like hell Rogue." he gave me a small smile when he said it, I could see he was quickly returning to normal.

I looked him over, he had dirt and grime all over his pants, a couple tears in his jeans and a large black smug under his right eye that looked like oil.

"Believe me, y'don't look much better." I told him as we both shared a strange moment.

"Before this night is over we are all going to look a lot worse." Logan said in his usually blunt manner, he was standing by the way too quiet Scott. Both who were in front of Bobby and me.

So we reached the sub level where the hangar was located. I made my way to the woman's dressing area, knowing I would find it empty and silent. Scott, Bobby and Logan headed off to the men's side.

I changed quickly, and was sitting down putting my boots on, when there was a small knock on the door.

"What?" I didn't really know who it was, I guess I thought it would be Bobby, probably wanting to know more about what happened to Jubilee and me.

I don't know why it never occurred to me that it might be Scott.But that is who it was.

"Scott?" I looked up at him, a little confused. He sure had changed quick. Scott was already in his uniform, his glasses already replaced with his visor. "Shouldn't you be prepping the Jet or something?" I didn't realize I was upset with him until I heard the bitterness in my own words.

"We have a couple minutes, I wanted to speak with you." He sat down on the bench beside me. He appeared cool and collected. I busied myself with finishing putting my boots on. And then drew on my long leather gloves. He watched me ardently as I did so, if I had been in a better state of mind, I would have taking pleasure in that fact. Instead, I just felt detached.

"About what happened earlier.. about me.."

"Y'don't have t'explain Scott," I interrupted him. "Y'don't have any confidence in my abilities... in me.. I totally understand that." I got up off the wooden bench threw my clothes and shoes in my locker and slammed the door shut.

"You know that's not true Rogue.." He got up and tried to take my hand in his but I wouldn't let him. "I.. you have told me what it's like when you absorb someone, especially a mutant.. I know dealing with the changes in your head and their powers are difficult for you and.. then Jubilee getting hurt.. I just .. "

"Didn't want me t'get hurt also? Didn't want me t'get more involved than I already am? Jubilee is my best friend Scott... " I felt the tears building up in my eyes when I thought of what might happen to her, "I have t'try.. I have to.. I just have to!" I said my words becoming frenzied.

"Just tell me you _are_ up to it.. Tell me that and I will thoroughly apologize for my words in Xavier's office."

I looked away from Scott, putting my attention on the bench I had been sitting on. I finally turned back to him, saw how tightly wound and ill at ease he was.

"I don't know if I am Scott but that doesn't matter, nothin' does except Jubilee!" I heard all the conflicting voices in my head, especially the recent ones I had absorbed, they were shouting inside my head loud and clear, all of them wanting me to do something different or be somewhere else. But I wasn't about to tell Scott that.. not when I had more important things I had to worry about. Like not blowing things up with a touch. Or Jubilee possibly dying.

He lowered his head, letting out a prolonged breath. Scott than took to small steps toward me and finally met my eyes.

"Just promise me one thing." His words were soft and had a defeated air about them.

"What's that?" I asked of him , my tone harsh and brittle.

He seemed reluctant to answer, he opened his mouth, closed it and then opened it again.

"Promise me that you won't die for her."

Those words struck my right to the core. And the way he looked at me, I knew he was thinking about Jean. Thinking of how he lost her when she sacrificed herself for others, for us, for him. But I couldn't believe he said _those_ words to me. Such honest, candid words.

I started to cry when he said that. And grabbed hold of him desperately, forgetting about my anger as it melted away. Scott also crushed me to him.

"I shouldn't have said that," he whispered to me, "I just don't want to lose you.. I can't deal with that sort of loss again.. especially when I." He gently pushed me off of him so that we were looking in each others eyes. His hidden underneath his visor, which I could barely make out. "Especially when I love you so."

"Scott I.." started not knowing exactly what I was going to say, my words coming out breathlessly as I felt a little lightheaded and my stomach filled with butterflies.

"Don't say anything Rogue.. Just be careful.. Please.."

"I'll try Scott.." I looked away from him, "But I can't promise anything."

He brought his hand up to my face and gently wiped my tears off with his glove.

"I know Rogue... I know."

So we left the locker room hand in hand. An air of melancholy around us both. It must have been noticeable because when Bobby and Logan joined us on the jet, they both said nothing just took their seats and waited for the trip to commence.

It only took us about twenty minutes to arrive at the F.O.H. base. It was located just outside of New York.

Everything happened so quickly, Logan and Bobby took out the guards on the front gate. I entered a code and started a self diagnostic on the security system that gave us enough time to get inside the sterile looking building without sounding any of the perimeter alarms.

Any guard we came across while walking along one of the nondescript hallways was handled swiftly and efficiently. While Bobby froze any camera before we came across it. Which was no longer necessary after we handled the four guards inside the watch station. We must have done our jobs well, because they were quite shocked to see us.

After we made it to that room, Bobby nearly jumped up and down with joy when Scott located Kitty after scrolling through all the compounds cameras. We had been lucky.

So we split up in two teams. Scott and Bobby. Logan and me.

The whole time we were there I really didn't do anything. Just stayed in the back, giving them all directions. They really didn't need my help. But I needed to be there.

Logan reluctantly followed after me as I led the way to the medical ward. The medical ward that had a clear glass panel that made hiding or not trying to get notice, not even possible. Logan leaned against the wall and quickly looked inside the room.

There were seven people inside. All of them working on something or another, two working on lap top computers.

He cursed rather loudly and then looked at me unsure. But then he released his claws and crossed them in front of him. I knew he was going to try crashing through the window. But I stopped him, grabbing him from the back.

"I've got it." My confidence in my voice coming out strong. I took off one of my long gloves and put it underneath my belt. Putting my hand on the glass, in a place I hoped would get no notice, I started charging the window, feeling the kinetic energy making contact with it as it left my fingers. It was exhilarating. "There is an alarm in that room somewhere, if they get to it, it will not only sound the backup perimeter alarm but notify all the nearby F.O.H.. bases."

Logan didn't ask any questions, knowing where I had gotten my information.

I brought back my hand, the glass started to glow brightly, which made some people shout out in confusion. And then it exploded. Mid Explosion Logan already was leaping inside the room, his claws still extended and very threatening looking.

I jumped in after him, my boots crunching on the glass on the floor. I noticed three people with cuts and bruises blacked out on the floor. I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Except they deserved far worse.

And rage. I felt rage.

Out of the four remaining, three were getting slowly off the ground while one was making his way toward what I knew was the alarm.

I ran and pounced on him, throwing us both down on the ground. Logan could handle the other three.

"What do you want?" A man who looked more like a kid asked me. His age probably very close to my own. I brought him up to his feet and pushed him against the wall, holding him against it not letting him move an inch. "You're a mutant." He said, not accursedly but more as a statement.

"Yes, thank you for reminding me." I said coldly, feeling more like a mercenary than a member of the X-men. I brought my un gloved hand up to his face, inches from touching him. He didn't know what that meant but his eyes remained glued to my hand. "Tell me where the antidote is for the sedative your soldiers use, or so help me God I will drain every last bit of strength that is in you."

That wasn't me speaking, or me thinking about doing it even if he gave me the answers I needed. I was unintentionally letting Mike take over as I was filled with lust for violence, a need for revenge and the knowledge of more than eight ways to kill that would leave him alive for a good twenty agonizing minutes before he died.

"It's over there.." his voice full of fear and terror. He looked over to the right, his eyes pointing at what looked to be a refrigerator. "Please don't kill me I just work here, I'm not part of their organization.. I need the money.. I.."

"Shut up! I said shoving his body further into the wall.

"Please don't kill me," the boy said again, taking a large mouthful of air and then gulping loudly.. "I... I have a dog."

I couldn't' believe he was able to joke at a time like that. But he should be grateful that he had the courage to do so, for it shook me out of the hell that Mike had been trying to lead me to. Maybe Scott was right. Maybe I shouldn't have come.

I released him, he slid down to the ground looking up at me.

"I'm not going to kill you," my voice was softer and more like mine "But maybe y'should think about gettin' another job."

He nodded his head slowly his eyes large.

"I'm sorry." I told him, he didn't know why I was apologizing, but I am sure he would when he woke up from the black hole I had sent him to when I punched him unconscious.

So I made my way over to the refrigerator, surprising myself once again when out of what look like more than two hundred vials I as able to pinpoint exactly what I needed. I grabbed three small tubes marked MS391 and put them in a little drawstring bag I had been fortuitous enough to think of bringing. I wrapped it around my wrist, the weight giving me hope for Jubilee.

"You found what you needed?" Logan asked, suddenly appearing from behind me. If I wasn't so used to how silent he can be I might have jumped out of my skin.

"Oui, Merci."

He blinked when I said that. His head tilted to the side.

"You OK?"

I sidestepped his question. I **HATE** that question.

"Are you?"

He smiled faintly.

"Yes, lets find Cyclops and Icecube."

"Iceman," I corrected Logan, smiling up at him. Knowing he had made that slip on purpose, hoping to lighten the mood. It worked.

"Whatever." he grunted. As he motioned for me to follow him.

I did. Walking past the white coat personal, three that were tied together with what looked like computer cords and gagged with sponges.. their eyes on us both, especially Logan. Four others, the unconscious ones including the kid I had knocked out.. had their hands tied behind their backs.. Logan had moved them all into an area where there wasn't any glass so they wouldn't get hurt, or so they wouldn't be able to get loose easily.

I couldn't help wondering if Logan had to restrain himself not to kill them. And if he always had to struggle. Like I had been with Mike.

"We are done." Logan said into his com link. "What's your status?"

_"We found Kitty, but she wasn't alone. And it looked like they were preparing for more arrivals.. We will be at the front entrance in two minutes. We are prepared to leave."_

Scott didn't offer anything else. Three minutes later we met up with him. Scott was holding a blond woman in his hands, she wasn't moving but was obviously alive. Bobby had Kitty by his side who was awake but looked groggy. He was supporting her with his arm wrapped around her waist.

"Bella!" I shouted with such joy and relief, as my eyes shifted back to her form. It was Gambit's ex wife. But why was I excited to see her?

"You know who this woman is?" Scott inquired of me very curious. He turned to allow me to see her more fully. I knew if she opened her eyes that they would be very blue.

"It's my.." I paused in my tracks stopping myself for a second. "It's Gambit's Ex wife..."

"I hate to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but what do you say to getting out of here, don't exactly want to stay the night here."

"I'm with Logan," Bobby said, red lights that lined the walls suddenly turning on and blinking. A computer voice also started speaking, warning everyone to clear the area. "Besides, Cyclops set the self destruct, there's going to be nothing left of this building in fifteen minutes."

I knew I was more my self when I started hoping that everyone inside the building, including the guards would get out safely. But I believed they would. Scott would _never_ do anything like that if he believed anyone would be killed.

Logan looked over at Scott with obvious approval. And then we took off. We didn't get more than fifty feet.

Bright lights suddenly turned on all around us. When I was able to focus I saw that we were surrounded. Over fifty men, all with guns raised, and even a compact but very threatening tank off to the side.

"Did you really think we were such idiots.. Not prepared for you traitorous mutants to attack us?" A loud artificially amplified voice said. 'Surrender or prepare to die!"

The fight that followed those words was over before it even started.

Scott gave our answer by blasting eighty percent of the soldiers off their feet with the largest blast I had ever seen leave his eyes. Although I still think that wasn't his full potential.

Kitty phased down into the ground, and then upward into the tank, dismantling it before Bobby could argue with her, or the metal machine could fire off a shot.

Logan took off running, after yelling at Scott to leave some of the men for him.. some of the soldiers that remained standing started firing at him, a lot of the bullets making contact. Not that he slowed down. In fact it just spurred him on.

I didn't really have to do anything, especially not when a foggy mist started appearing all around us. One that meant one thing.

A Storm was drawing near.

I heard the jet before I saw it, and Ororo's voice in my ear, one that was in everybody else's as well.

"Thought you might need some help.. but I see you all have things well in hand."

So I spent the next two minutes dogging bullets while trying to keep the vials in my pouch safe.

"Let's Go!" I heard Scott bark out, "Everyone clear out!"

So I walked through all the bodies, all the F.O.H. militia that were lucky to be alive. Some of the soldiers looking far worse than others, a testament of our acrimony brought on by their attack on us and our friends. None of them made a move to stop us, not that they would have been able to. And not that the number remaining standing, would have been able to do anything or would have stood a chance against one of us, let alone all of us. Especially when most of them weren't even armed. Their weapons taken away from Logan, Bobby and Scott.

We all made our way over to Storm where she was standing in front of the entrance to the facility, her eyes bright and glowing as she kept us all covered in a thick fog. Scott put Bella on board the jet, Kitty and Bobby went along also. I didn't make a move to get on, I thought I would be going back with Logan and Scott, to the larger BlackHawk jet that we had left on some property that was owned by friends of Xavier.. it was over two miles away but..

"You're going with them Rogue." Scott suddenly told me, pushing me slightly toward the jets ramp. A seriousness in his features that was directed at me.

"No Scott, I can go with you."

"You need to get that back as soon as possible." His hand pointing toward the small bag strung on my hand. "Jubilee needs that."

"Scott I.." began, knowing his excuse was flimsy at best, like I couldn't just take the thing of my hand and give it to Ororo. But then again, I would want to be there when Jubilee awoke.. so..

"Please don't argue with me Rogue, just go." I hate when he gets in the "you can argue all you want but nothing is going to come out of it" mode.

So I reluctantly complied, watching as Logan and Scott took off in a run, thinking how strange it was that they were doing something together willingly. Even if they did so all the time. It is always interesting to see though.

I got on board, screaming in anger when I saw Gambit in the back with Xavier both looking over Bella. I guess McCoy stayed home with Jubilee.

"What is he doin' here?" I demanded, directing my sudden hostility at Ororo.

"We found him unconscious in the theatre parking lot when we went to investigate the scene further. He needed our help."

"But he betrayed us!"

"Yes he did," Ororo said slowly, "But that doesn't mean we should turn our backs on him."

I was going to argue further, but Ororo already had her attention elsewhere as she sat down in the pilots chair and started to lift us off the ground.

I probably could have sat in the copilots chair but I didn't want to, could have sat down by touchy feeling, gushing Bobby and Kitty but that was more than I wanted to deal with. And I didn't want to sit in the back either. So I sat off to the side by myself, suddenly feeling very contemplative.

Taking the small bag filled with the antidote off my arm, I held it gently. Allowing the relief to rush through me as I realized that we had succeeded. That Jubilee was going to be OK...

We made it back to the mansion in record time, Scott and Logan were probably just arriving at the BlackHawk, the sleek air vehicle that I had been on earlier. I remember hoping that they didn't run into any trouble along the way. But that thought was fleeting. They could handle themselves.

I rushed down to the med lab, giving McCoy the antidote and became disappointed when he didn't inject her with it right away, instead he wanted to run tests on it first.

Jubilee looked strangely peaceful, McCoy had obviously cleaned her up, she had noticeable scratches on her face and arms, which made me notice that I also had similar markings on my body. Thanks to the car bomb. And the fighting.

I grabbed a chair and sat down patiently, more patient that I felt. But I was more than thankful when McCoy finally came back twenty minutes later with a needle with the procured liquid inside.

He put a comforting hand on my shoulder and then made his way over to Jubilee and injected her. Taking two steps back he paused and looked down at her.

"How long does it take?"

"The aggressive sedative has been in her system for several hours, so I would conclude that it might take a while for antitoxin to clean out her system."

That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.

Time went by slowly, I ignored Gambit and Bella off in the corner. She woke up sooner than Jubilee, McCoy said they used something different on her.

Kitty came down about thirty minutes later, as she got checked over by McCoy quickly. She was fine. Just a little drowsy she said.

Scott came down not long after Kitty, having arrived back, he tried to talk me into eating some food or getting some rest. I refused both.

"You could at least change into something more comfortable." He said looking down at my tight uniform in a way that should have made me blush.

"I'm fine Scott.. I want t'stay here." I told him firmly.

So time droned on, somewhere along the line Scott brought me a book to read. I started the first paragraph at least ten times. Finally putting it down in frustration.

Things quieted down and Jubilee remained out cold. McCoy checked on her ever thirty minutes or so. Offering me words of encouragement as he tried not to look worried. But I heard it in his tone.

"You should go get some sleep, I can wake you when she's conscious."

But I wouldn't listen to McCoy, I wasn't going to leave. I finally tried reading the book again. Allowing myself to get lost in the typed words. And that is when the machinery started beeping. Dropping my book on the floor, I watched in horror as Jubilee started to convulse and shake.

"Doctor!" I yelled, fighting the panic in my system that was making it hard for me to swallow.

He bounded over quickly.. restraining her, opening her eyes and shining a light down in them.

"Get me the small case on my desk Rogue.. " I stood there frightened. Unmoving "Now!" He shouted at me, stirring me out of my uselessness.

I ran to his office, found the case on his desk and brought it to him. Hank ordered for me to hold Jubilee down and he injected her with a small needle. Jubilee's body calmed down and stilled.

McCoy looked at a monitor that showed her pulse and cursed softly. The first time I have ever heard him swear.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked, finding my voice.

He turned to me, his posture an austere one.

"It seems she is having an allergic reaction to the antitoxin."

"But y'ran tests." I didn't understand. McCoy was always so careful, always two steps ahead of everybody in thought processes.

"Tests don't show everything, which is certainty true in this instance." He paused, took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. "Don't be vexed Rogue, Jubilee is going to be fine, good thing we were watching over her, or things could have been a lot worse."

After that, seeing that I still wouldn't leave Jubilees side, he brought a small cot out of his office and put it to the side of Jubilee, he also gave mea light blanket and a pillow.

I stayed with her all night. Barely getting any sleep, what with my confining uniform, Jubilee, and the thoughts in my head that wouldn't shut up.

I know Scott and even Logan and the others came and checked on us both every once and a while. Logan staying longer than the others. I think because he wanted to keep a watchful eye on Gambit. I didn't blame him.

Around six thirty in the morning is when Jubilee awoke. Her words bringing a smile to my face.

"Man am I starving!" She was sitting up, slightly confused as to why she was in the med lab, let alone having wires stuck into her. She looked quite refreshed like she had waken from a long deep sleep. Not drugged at all. That's Jubilee for you, always defying normalcy. "Did I miss something?" She asked me as I rushed to her and hugged her tightly. "How did we get back here?"

Jubilee was back. Jubilee was fine.

I wasn't even going to worry about the next day.

Everything was going to be ok.


	25. Monday June 28 2010

**Monday June 28 2010** 12:43 P.M.

Things have quieted down around here, calmed down somewhat.

Gambit vanished along with his ex wife the day after Jubilee woke up, he even stole one of Scott's cars. It should have been just a matter of course to locate the vehicle, but he had removed the tracking device. Funny how he was able to get away, even with everybody keeping an eye on him, especially Logan.

But he was a thief for a living, so breaking out of a house couldn't have been that difficult. I am a little surprised he was able to move so quickly, that very day he had surgery on his leg. The F.O.H. had implanted a device deep into his right leg, one that would have exploded if he came into contact with any Friends of Humanity Base unattended. It would also trigger a similar explosive that Bella had been wearing on a metal bracelet around her wrist. No wonder he didn't go after her himself.

I know it was hard for McCoy to remove the thing, it was set to explode if it was tampered with, let alone removed by any outsider. He had to call in a some kind of specialist to assist him.. But they got it out safely.

Oh, anyway they found the car, but it was long abandoned. There was a note inside it to the Professor and one to me. I haven't opened it. Just threw it on my dresser and there it stays... I was going to throw it away, but I know me well enough to realize I will want to know what it says, maybe not then, but at a later date.

Fortunately Mike and Gambit inside my head have dissipated to just strange impulses and random foreign thoughts here and there. But like the others I have absorbed they will always be a part of me. Always part of some of the whispering that goes on and on in my head. But it is not as bad as it was. More tolerable that ever before. Maybe some day I will be able to completely shut them out and off...

The cure has become silent and disappeared. Many that took it finding out that they have years to live. Maybe less. So of course McCoy is working on trying to find a cure. A cure for the cure.

As is supposedly the government. Ironically disturbing.

There is also some talk that they are still working on the thing, still trying to get a viable remedy for mutantcy. Hah. And Hah.

But the tension from that and everything else is still all around this mansion, floating around suffocating us as we walk through the hallways and pass each other by.

Nothing is over. Nothing has ended.

Something is still on the horizon. Something dark, and violent and filled with choices that will be made that will decide the fate of many.

But what do I know? I am not an oracle, a soothsayer.. a psychic.

I am just Rogue.

I am me. I am I.

I am making discoveries.

I am living a lie.

I am living the truth.

The Professor told me that he believes my powers will fade away like they always do. Disappear into the recesses of my mind along with the knowledge of how to use the, call them forth.

And what happens then? Will I turn back to the "Logan! Save me!" Rogue? or "Scott help me I am defenseless!" Rogue? NO. I don't believe that.

I know how to fight. I do. I still train with Xing. I am still learning. But what am I going to do? I really don't want to worry about it. Xavier said it could be a long time before that happens, for some reason they have lasted longer then they ever have this time. And it might be months or even years before I lose them completely. He believes Logan's and Magneto's will last the longest, maybe even Gambit's depending on how long he touched me, which I still haven't been able to really figure out. Although I have so many of his memories and experiences drifting around inside of me that it must have been quite a while.

Of course he ended with telling me he wasn't 100 percent sure, for all he knew I could keep them forever. He just wanted to prepare me. In case it wasn't permanent, or another stage in my mutant gift... Being able to keep those powers that I absorbed.. He wants to run more tests. But those will have to wait. I have done enough of those that you think they would know for sure by now, between him and McCoy... But it seems I am a conundrum.

Jubilee is doing fine by the way, she had some dark red blotches on her body after she recovered from the allergic antitoxin, but those are almost completely gone now. Every time I look at her I can't help but feel how great it is that she is alive, that we are friends, and that whatever is ahead we will be able to face together.

_Together._

Why when I type that word do I suddenly think of Scott?

Stupid question. I know the answer.

I find him attractive. Maybe I always have. But I know that more now than I ever did. I think about being with him, in more ways than one, and I wonder.. and contemplate and think about..

Everything. Nothing. More than I should.

I _want _him.

I want to feel his mouth against mine, feel his breath caress my skin and so many other things that when I think about it makes my body tingle.

The way he watches me, how he can make me laugh when I am angry.

How he doesn't give up. How he seems to know me better than I know myself.

How I know him.

His moods, his expressions, his state of being.

How he has no problems telling me things bluntly, even when I might not want to hear what he has to say.

Even how he tries to order me around sometimes, I can't figure out if it is more satisfying doing what he asks or defying him outright... But that depends on what he wants me to do...

I have never been so totally aware of someone before. I thought I knew Logan, but knowing and learning about Scott is becoming more and more deeply personal everyday.

He has touched me without touching me.

Yet, I want him to touch me. I ache when I am around him lately. Feelings rising up in me that I didn't know I had. Longings that I had buried and forgotten about.

For nothing can happen with me.

Xavier started to plan a trip to Orlando Florida a couple days after Jubilee awoke. He felt we all needed a break. So he is treating everyone that wants to go to a trip to Disney world and Universal studios for three days. I was going to go. I actually wasn't looking forward to it, I knew I would end up playing babysitter or some other responsible thing.

But that all changed when the day before we were supposed to leave. Scott found me in Jubilee's room and told me he wanted to talk to me.

Jubilee winked at me, nudged me off the bed where we had been watching a movie, and before I knew it I was out in the hallway, back against the wall. Scott's right hand past my shoulder as he leaned into me slightly.

I was very much aware of him then. I know he works out, he may not be as muscular as Logan, but he doesn't have to be. What Scott has is more than enough for him.

"Are you going to Florida Rogue?"

I thought about that for a moment, Scott had been kinda distant with others lately, I think whatever it was didn't have to do with me. I would find out later that I was right.

"Yes, Jubilee already made me go shoppin' for some new clothes." I looked up at him, watching him closely. "Are y'going?"

He shook his head, his bangs falling across his forehead. I brought my hand up and brushed them over to side, out of his face. Catching my hand he leaned into me further. My body responded with electricity that started at my stomach and worked its way around.

"Don't go Rogue, Stay with me, stay behind.. Have dinner with me." Scott whispered into my ear, his voice low and seductive, and _very _masculine.

But that would mean we would be alone. I knew everyone was going. Even Logan. McCoy too would be away, working on some thing or another.

Alone in this huge house. For three days. Why did that frighten me?

"Dinner?" I nearly coughed out, detaching myself from his hold on me, walking away from him a couple feet before turning around. "Can y'even cook?"

That got me a smile from Scott, as he sauntered back over to me.

"Is that a yes?" He stood in front on me, showing no signs of reaching out to touch me this time, although his eyes were on me quite earnestly.

"Are y'tryin' t'seduce me Mr. Summers?" I said thickening my accent and fluttering my eyelashes demurely.

"Maybe." Scott took a strand of my loose hair and started twisting it around his finger. "Tell me yes Rogue. Tell me you want to be alone with me."

"We are always alone Scott, we train together, eat breakfast together, watch movies together... " He stopped my babbling when he placed an unexpected kiss on my forehead. That certainly shut me up, his face still inches away from mine.

So close.

So near.

If only...

I seem to be having a lot of "If onlys" lately.

Too many.

"Rogue?"

"Huh?" I asked, my eyes unable to leave his mouth.

Scott backed away from me slowly, dropping my hair he had been holding on it.

"Just tell me your answer, I need to know."

"Yes." I blinked slowly, realizing that I didn't know what I was saying. But knew when I said it that that was going to be my answer. "Yes, I'll stay behind, although It will take me forever t'explain t'Jubilee."

"Then don't" He said, a curious smile on his face. "She'll figure it out eventually, as will everybody else... Even you."

"Figure what out?"

"That you belong to me."

Let me tell you if anybody else said that to me, there would have been no end to the argument. But the way Scott said it. I knew he wasn't talking about possession or ownership, it was more of.. I don't know, I can't really explain it.

**Monday June 28 2010 cont.** 1:07 A.M.

And then we were alone. The entire mansion empty except for the two of us.

Jubilee being an incredibly smart person, knew I wasn't staying behind due to my usual antisocial ways. She knew I was staying behind for Scott. How she always knows certain things, is I guess, another one of her gifts, although some people could think it a curse.

Anyway, she pulled me aside and gave me some advice concerning men and "first times" and other things that left me totally unnerved and embarrassed. She even had the audacity to try to give me lingerie that she said she hadn't worn yet. I threw it back at her, screamed at Jubilee for her stupid advice and practically shoved her into the jet that was taking the first group to Florida.

Lord have mercy!

Nothing was going to happen with Scott, and even if it could, _nothing _was still going to happen. I am not ready for such serious.. interaction. Skin or not.

And just because I have dreams about Scott, ones that are more detailed than they should be for an innocent like me, doesn't mean I am prepared to cross that line. Heck. We haven't even kissed yet! And even though we do touch, it has never gotten... past hugs, lingering contact against an arm etc..

Ever since I was the ripe age of thirteen my parents started drilling into me that you never have sex until you are married. Let me tell you those words went in one ear and out the other. But now, that I am away from home, now they seem to keep me company. Even more lately than ever.

I never did much with Bobby, and we could have done much more. I am not a complete idiot. I know there are ways around my mutation. Just never really tested it.

So anyway took a couple hours for everyone to leave, nobody seemed to notice that I wasn't going, everybody already knew that Scott had volunteered to stay behind and watch over the mansion. And what if they did know? Did it really matter? No, it didn't.

I walked the hallways for a couple minutes, passing through rooms, enjoying the silence, the peace, the quiet. And then I went up to my room and changed. Getting ready for dinner.

Scott told me he wanted me to dress up. Wear something I have always wanted but never dared.

There is this one dress. I bought so long ago, about a year after I got here. I remember standing outside the shop looking at it. Buying it. And then going home and crying myself to sleep.

I shoved it in the back of my closet and never looked at it again.

Until today. Pulling it out I saw that it was still in the condition I had left it, tags still on, in a large plastic bag. I ripped it out, pulled it forth and after putting it on, staring at myself in the mirror, seeing that it still fit and that it was as beautiful as I remembered it, I let out a sigh.

It was black, long, shimmered softly with soft undertones of emerald green. It was a pretty simple dress. For anyone else anyway. For me, it was like, jumping in front of a train, letting myself lose along with my skin. It had a slit that went up the side, along with a dipping neck line that was enough, but not more than that which would make me uncomfortable. I pulled out gloves, not wanting to put them on, and instead decided I would just hold onto them for the time being.

I didn't bother putting much makeup on, put on some low high heels and finished by putting my hair up.

The last time I had ever gotten this dressed up was when I was with Jubilee at the hotel. And I certainly wasn't getting ready for a date then.

A date. I was about to go have dinner with Scott Summers. Yes, it was a date.

I actually panicked when I figured that out, sat down on the bed and stared at my reflection in my TV for a good twenty seconds. I don't know what got me out of that mood, I think it was my phone that started to ring at that time. But I never figured out who was on the other end, they hung up right after I answered.

So I went down stairs, my movements seeming deliberately dragged out, as if time itself was slowing down.

Once again I was lost in the silence of the mansion as I walked down to the kitchen. I found a note on the kitchen counter from Scott, he wanted me to meet him outside...

That's where I found him, after taking my shoes off and walking through the damp grass barefoot. I discovered him in the backyard, he had set up a small round table that was big enough for two people.

It had candles on it, a black table cloth, some food and a cd player on it that was playing some soft classic music that drifted off into the darkness.

So there I was.. no shoes on, no gloves, a dress that I thought I would never wear, and then Scott Summers lifting his head up after lighting another candle when our gazes met.

Bang.

That is the word to describe it.

Like something just clicked, fell into place. Made sense.

Scott and I were starting to make sense.

"You found my note." He said, looking me over from my bare feet up to my face.

"Yeah." I responded, suddenly feeling shy.

He pulled out a chair for me and motioned for me to sit down. I did, he leaned down and whispered in my ear.

"You look really lovely tonight." Soft wisps of his cologne drifted down toward me.

I turned to the side and smiled at him, looking Scott over as I did so. He was wearing a very flattering dark blue suit, a warm inviting smile and something else in his expression that I couldn't figure out. The last time I had seen him in a suit, dressed up like that, was yes, at Jean's funereal. It was hard not to think that as my smile started to waver.

That wouldn't be the only time Jean would interrupt my good feelings.

So we ate, talked, joked and laughed. Scott stared at me, I stared at him.

We would had some long silences in between where we both got lost in each other.

It was different, in a good way.

We had desert, chocolate cheesecake, one of my favorites, and he changed out the cd to play some oldies.

And then Scott asked me to dance.

I accepted after putting my gloves on, my bare feet playing across the wet grass as he led me around.

That was one of those moments that will stay with me for a long time. Everything so perfect, his arm around my waist, his hand holding mine, the music there, yet so far in the background as everything else faded except Scott and me.

Wow.

For the first time I didn't have to worry about some of my skin being exposed, about accidentally injuring Scott or anything like that. I'm always so cautions to the point where it has become obsessive compulsive. But sometimes you reach a moment in time where none of that matters, nothing except what is happening right then, no bad thoughts, no memories or any of your past. Just living in the present moment of perfect time.

But that never lasts. Never. No matter how much you want to live in that moment, for it to endure and survive forever. It always has to end.

It started to crumble the minute I was dumb enough to ask him about why he had been so blue lately, so distant with everyone. Even a little with me.

And Scott told me, after letting go of me and leading us both back to the table. I don't think he really wanted to talk about it, yet he acted as if he had to... As if he needed to.

I removed my gloves again as I listened to him talk.

He's been having dreams. About Jean. Where she is calling to him. Beckoning him to go to Alkali Lake.

Scott said they seem to be getting more and more intense and he has been having problems sleeping. I asked him if he had talked to the Professor about it.

"Yes, but he just thinks it's another way of me grieving for her.."

I couldn't' say anything to that, suddenly feeling like a third wheel to a dead woman. Now a ghost in a dream.

Took a while for our conversation to get lighter, but it finally did.

"I've never seen your bare hands before." He told me, I could tell he wanted to touch them, but he didn't.

I brought them up in front of me and turned them around.

"Yeah, I only see them myself when I am about t'go t'bed, or take a shower or something. Or alone... So your pretty lucky t'be able t'get a glimpse of them." I joked. My words seemed to distract him somewhat as he seemed suddenly lost in thought. "Scott?"

He shook his head a little and looked back toward me. A smile building up on his face.

"You're really special you know that Rogue?" He told me, pulling his chair closer to me.

"Yeah, so my father used t'tell me." I said somewhat bitterly, a flash of the past coming into my minds eye.

"I mean it Rogue.." Scott lightly touched me leg. "Really special."

He watched me, waiting for me to make a response.

"Thanks."

"Was that so hard?" He inquired, grinning at me.

"What?"

"Accepting a compliment?"

I smiled lightly at that.

"More than y'now." I admitted to him. Accepting compliments has sometimes been a problem with me.. depending on who they were coming from.

Scott was about to say something when small droplets of rain started to fall out of the sky landing on us and the table.

"We should get everythin' inside. I think it is going t'rain" Informed him, he nodded his head, stood up and blew out the candles. And that it when it really started.

No other warning, no nothing.

Just buckets and buckets of rain.

He grabbed the cd player. I grabbed my gloves.

"We can leave the rest, " He shouted over the sudden thunder and lightning. Scott was about to grab my hand, stopped himself and then instead wrapped his arm around my waist.

By the time we reached the covered back patio, we were both drenched and thoroughly wet.

I have never seen Scott look more.. and this may or may not be the wrong word. Appetizing.

Man he looked _so_ good. His hair which had been slicked back earlier was wild and messy, Scott's shirt underneath his open jacket was clinging to him while water droplets slid down his face.

And he was watching me also. Allowing himself a couple long lingering seconds on me before he took off his jacket and placed it around me. Which was kinda silly since it was wet too. But.. well..

He didn't let go of it though, instead he pulled it slightly toward him..before I could stop him or protest. Scott kissed me.

It was nothing like it could have been, like I wanted it to be, it was just a short touching of lips that was over before my mutation jumped in.

Reminding me of what I was. Rogue the untouchable. Who _wanted _to be touched.. By Scott.

"You look really good wet." I told him after it ended, my eyes widening when I realized I had just said what I had been thinking.

But I don't think he heard me.

"Rogue?" My name coming out in a hush, our bodies still close. "I really want to touch you right now."

Talk about the temperature rising quickly, I nearly dried myself off from the invisible steam.

But before I even could say anything let alone do anything, Scott's demeanor changed right in front of me, from warmly sensual to way too serious.

"We should change, before one of us gets sick." Scott dropped his hold on his jacket, breaking our contact.

I felt disappointed and upset by his words. But what did I think was going to happen? I mean seriously.

So we parted, Scott very quiet and contemplative, me dazed and bewildered.

I hadn't even changed, only took his wet jacket off and put it on the shower rod, when the impatient knock came on the door.

I got up off my small couch where I had been sitting and started to open the door. It was halfway open when I was suddenly grabbed by Scott and lightly pushed against the wall. His mouth descending onto mine demanding and hungry.

I now know what Scott Summers tastes like.

I wrapped my hands around the back of his head and pulled him more tightly against me, the coldness of our rain drenched clothes between us quickly warming up as I reveled in his nearness, his smell, his very being.

He hadn't changed yet either. For some reason that appealed to me.

I almost forgot about my mutation, lost in the sudden frenzy of forbidden touches, when it decided to make itself evident. I pushed him off me painfully, not wanting to stop, breathing heavy. Realizing that was the longest my mutation had ever taken to kick in. Maybe him touching me, kissing me, clouded my mind allowing it to hold out longer?

"I tried to stay away." Scott admitted, his breathing as uneven as mine, his voice sounding weak.

From our short contact I caught glimpses of him minutes before, he was pacing his room, going to the door, turning around sitting on his bed. Getting up and pacing some more.

I also saw and felt other things. His dreams of Jean... What he wanted us to be doing, in his room or mine. Him taking me to his shower afterwards, watching the water play against my deadly skin. The passion and longing behind those thoughts blinding out the first thoughts of Jean completely.

I felt the burning behind my eyes that somehow I was able to stop. Turn off completely. I didn't think about how I was able to do that at that time.

"There is a part of me that would like ya t'take me t'your room," I said, my voice coming out soft, my words causing Scott to look up at me surprised. "But it's not going t'happen."

"Rogue I.." he started to interrupt me, coming toward me slowly.

"It OK, Scott, I know what y'want from me. I know how y'feel. I wish I could be that girl in your thoughts, the touchable one, but I am not.. this is who I am, what I am.. maybe this will help you figure out that what your feelin' toward me isn't like y'thought... maybe.."

"Stop!" Scott said, his voice loud and angry. He had regained his strength quickly enough if the volume of his words was anything to go by. "Enough!"

He pushed me down on the bed, making contact with my bare arm. Fortunately nothing happened.

"I'm not here tonight to take advantage of you, I know your not ready for anything that.. serious yet.. even if your skin wasn't involved..." His voice softened a little, even if I was glaring up at him. And how does he always know certain personal things about me? "I would never make you do anything you weren't ready for."

I felt embarrassed about what we happened to be talking about, and yet.. there was a huge part of me that wanted to jump off that bed and, well... continue where we had left off.

But that was impossible.

Scott was saying something. I hadn't been paying attention, my sudden visions of him and me playing in my head.. I tuned in half way.

".. and we better change, I've lit a fire downstairs that we can warm up in front of."

He left my room after giving me a warm look. Me sitting on the bed feeling somewhat satisfied and a little disoriented.

The rest of the night passed relatively fast, we spent an hour talking in front of the fire. Something had obviously changed between us, things seeming a little more intense.

After that we played checkers and then I tried to teach him chess. Or more accurately the Erik in me tried to teach him chess, but we can leave that discussion for another day..

We eventually made our way to the front room, Scott turned all the lights off, and opened the blinds. We watched the rain as it fell down from the sky, me leaning into him, his arm wrapped around me as I drank hot cocoa, him coffee. We didn't talk much then, but we didn't really need to.

An hour later we parted for the night. Him kissing me on my glove softly and leaving me at the front of my door.

It will be a long time before I will be able to get to sleep, just knowing that we were the only two people in the house, his room not far away from mine. I haven't felt like this before, my nerves tingling and jittery. Extra aware of everything that touches my bare skin as I am filled with desire and an unquenchable longing.

My mind may not be ready for Scott, but my body obviously is, if the way it responded to him earlier is anything to go by. And I certainty know he is ready, his reaction to me making that _very_ apparent.

But according to Jubilee men are _always _ready...

How did this all come about? I mean me and Scott?

I never saw it coming.


	26. Tuesday June 29 2010

**8.49 AM**

Everything has a consequence. Even a kiss. And with me _especially_ a kiss.

Tormenting dreams followed me last night, ones that were never ending as they filled my head and wouldn't let me be. But they weren't totally unexpected. I knew what I was getting into when I returned Scott's kiss. Too bad there is no way to prepare though...

Scott didn't tell me the entire truth behind his dreams of Jean.

About how they were kissing passionately as the surrounding cliff area where they were located was filled with some sort of electric energy that was radiating off of her... Or how she seemed to glow as if she was a godly being.

I couldn't get away from it. The dream kept repeating itself over and over, each time going a little further as I watched Jean and Scott, unable to move or turn away.

Throughout them all Jean wouldn't stop calling his name, it was in the wind, in the air, in my head.

_Scott. Scott. Scott!_

Over and over. Even when I woke up, got out of bed, paced for a while. Finally going back to sleep. The dreams continued right where they left off.

_Scott find me. Scott I need you. __**Scott!**_

Her voice ringing loud and clear as it called out to him.

Until the nightmare repeated itself one last time... Or at least what I hope will be the last time. Dreams like this make me wish I didn't have to sleep.

It was different thought, _very_ different. This time at the end when the two finally parted, Jean got brighter, her body becoming inflamed by red energy that totally engulfed her.

She took a deep breath, looked at Scott impassively, who seemed frozen in place, and then let it all loose in waves as the strange radiation rolled off her body. Destroying everything around her. Including Scott who seemed to just disintegrate and disappear.

And then Jean turned and focused right on me. I noticed then, that this time I was actually there, instead of just a spectator at some sort of twisted movie. I was actually standing there.. with Jean.

She didn't say a word as my throat suddenly felt like it was being crushed. I knew somehow _she_ was doing that.

My dream counterpart fell to the ground, rocks and other jagged things cutting into my skin. I looked up at her from where she was now standing over me.

"He'll never truly be yours." She told me apathetically, not sounding like the Jean I knew, as she tightened her telekinetic grip on my throat.

And then I died.

I know I did. When I woke up afterwards, I had to shake myself out of that feeling, out of the blackness that had followed me back into reality, back into my life.

And I _was_ alive. Although I was somewhat shocked to realize that I was indeed still living. Still breathing.

And what was that all about? Is that my subconscious adding to the dream? Because I don't think that last part came from Scott.

All he ever saw in them was his love, all he felt was her lips, all he cared about was that she was alive. That they were together.

_Scott still loves Jean._

But why shouldn't he?

She was his first. First love, first intimate relationship.

Maybe he hasn't truly let her go. Maybe he can't. Maybe he never will.

And the selfish part of me wants to know where I fit in Scott's life. _Do I fit in his life?_

Finally being kissed by someone, feeling skin against skin. I have been suppressed and held back so long in that department, so wary and unsure. So distraught.

Maybe I should have taken the cure. Even if I wouldn't have lived more than five years.

Although I still can, I know McCoy has samples of it down in the med lab, they always are in plain site, as he is always testing and working on them. I know how to fill a needle, where to insert it.

It would be _so_ easy.

No more fears associated with my skin. No more doubts about whether or not I will truly ever be able to love, or be loved...

But Rogue would be lost. Dead. No more. An X-woman no longer.

My uniqueness would be gone, my powers extinguished. My supposed gift taken away.

And what would that make me? A pathetic little girl who is only thinking about herself and what she lacks.

Touch.

But sometimes one has to be selfish.

I think a day in not far off where I am bound to snap. When that happens a part of me might not survive.

But which part?

Marie or Rogue?

Finally something good happens to me, but I am actually starting to regret it. No matter how wonderful it had been, how good it felt.

OK, Who am I kidding?

It _was _worth it. Even if it just reinforces why I shouldn't touch. Why we shouldn't have kissed.

My life sucks. Literally and figuratively.

I **hate** my skin.

And I hate Scott!

For he made me care. More than I wanted to.


	27. Wednesday June 30 2010

Yesterday wasn't the worst day in the world. Although I guess I was expecting it to be.

Scott and I have been getting up early lately, I have been teaching him Tai chi. Or at least it started out just him, but then suddenly Jubilee appeared, and then Storm, and before I knew what was going on it seemed unofficially I had somewhat of a class as more people joined.. That started a month ago. Anyway, Scott and I had planned to get up early today to workout but he never came and got me. I found out later that he had forgot to set his alarm clock.

But that worked out rather conveniently, after all I wasn't quite prepared to face him yet. So what do you think I did for the good part of the morning after I forced myself to get dressed?

Lets see.

Skipped breakfast, grabbed a bottled orange juice and headed out side.

It was very pleasant outside, nice and cool, the sun not given a chance to show itself at his full strength yet. I did enjoy it. I had allowed myself to wear shorts and a tank top, clothes that I had to pick the cobwebs out of, and that were so old that it was luck that they actually fit, even if they were a little tight. Also grabbed a pair of Scott's glasses that I still had, letting them hang off my pocket. Just in case.

So wind brushed against my bare legs, branches cut into them and scratched me as I walked by, all such foreign experiences that I couldn't help but appreciate it. And dwell in the ordinariness.

But being the over thinker that I am, my thoughts drifted into the dark part of my mind. A place that has warning signs posted.

Much good it does me though.

So Scott still loves Jean. So somewhere inside Scott's deep and buried mind, he believes her to still be alive and waiting for him.

_So what._

If only I could dismiss it that easily.

We barely touched. Both times. On the Blackbird when it crashed and when he kissed me.

And yet I still got flashes of his past, can see him kissing Jean for the first time, actually experiencing it from his point of view.

Disconcerting and stomach churning doesn't even begin to describe it.

Especially when I have to see them well, more preoccupied with each other than a simple lip locking.

It's a wonder I can function.

I get his dreams, his experiences, part of his life history. Darker memories, lusts, anger, hostilities.

I think I preferred dwelling in the darker part of his thoughts, at east Jean usually isn't there. Although I have had some of their more memorable fights play through my head.

The most interesting one, was the one after Logan had first arrived.

Yes, Interesting indeed. But enough of that.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I was wandering the grounds, seeing things in several perspectives like I always do.

Seeing Magneto actually planting a baby pear tree after Xavier's school had been completed. Feeling such accomplishment. It would be six months later that Xavier and Erik's friendship would be put to the test, as their views started to conflict more and more. Magneto wouldn't be there when the first students started to arrive...

The tree is now full grown, and is a favorite among students when the fruit is ripe.

Pyro, angrily walking through the garden, having an urge to burn all the flowers and watch them turn black and die. Which he actually did in some more isolated areas, patches of ungrown grass here and there.

Gambit, sneaking in during the dead of night, stealthy climbing up the trellis, then the roof and then though the window to his room.

Scott, walking with Jean, her soft hand in his.

And lastly my memory, passing the bench where Mystique had found me, pretending to be Bobby. Remembering the panic and fear rising up in my throat as the need to get away coursed through me. Forcing me to leave the mansion right into Magneto's waiting hands.

All those things happening in a blink of an eye. Nothing like a little association. Especially when it is from other people, that I have to see and feel as if it was my own experiences. I'm actually used to it now. I know when something is me. Or when it is them. Even if a couple times I couldn't stop myself. Oh well, no harm came out those instances. Not really. Nothing that couldn't be healed or apologized away.

Scott found me about thirty minutes later, long enough for me to get myself in better order. My thoughts straight.

I was sitting in front of Xavier's man made lake, my legs tightly against my chest with my arms wrapped around them. Watching the water, not caring that the sun was now out at full swing, or that fact that I was probably going to get sunburned.

"There you are." He sat down by me carefully, his voice sounding pleased. "So much for Tai chi." he joked, laughing a little.

I didn't say anything. I caught him staring at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Sleep well?" I asked him, trying not to show him how screwed up I was that morning.

"Yeah," He started looking at me more intently, his eyebrows raising somewhat. "And you?"

I paused. Trying to figure out how to answer that.

"Great!" I lied, turning to him and painting a smile on my face.

He returned it by frowning.

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothin' is wrong." I said, keeping my tone even and free of negative emotions.

"Something is wrong Rogue, I can tell."

I got up of the grassy ground, put my arms across me and looked down at him.

"Nothin' is wrong."

"Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not Scott."

"You are!"

Both are tones becoming more insistent.

"Please sit down Rogue." He commanded me, patting a place by his side. I didn't comply right away but finally acquiesced. "Tell me what's bothering you."

So I did. For once, holding almost nothing back, not even bothering to put things in a better light. Make them more palatable.

"No wonder you looked like you got bit by a snake." He half joked when I had finished my monologue. But there was more seriousness than mirth in his words.

"Scott I.."

"I'm an idiot!" He chastised himself. Rubbing his temples slightly. "A complete jerk."

"No Scott. I.." Here we were going again, nothing like a little self incrimination to start the day with. But what was I supposed to do? Keep it from him? Even I know keeping secrets does not a healthy relationship make.

"I above all people know what happens to you when you are touched, I .. should have been able to control myself.. should have stayed away.. shouldn't have.."

"Shut up Scott!" I slapped him on his arm with my bare hand, the contact making a sharp noise. "I knew what I was doin', Y'think y'are the only one who has such impulses? Try bein' someone who can never touch and then tell me how deprived y'are.."

"Rogue.."

"I wanted ya t'do that, I've been wantin' that for a long time.. I Just.. wish that it didn't have t'come with so much.." I searched for a word and came up with a rather crappy one. "baggage." Scott blanched at my choice of word. "And that it didn't make me want to continue where we left off."

He had been unable to look at me for the past couple of minutes, but his head shot around at me last words, a smile building on his too handsome features. But it quickly disappeared.

"So do you actually know the first time.. that" he paused, coughed a little and turned slightly pink.. "Jean and I.."

I knew where he was leading to. Kinda surprised that he was able to ask such a question. Nothing like good old fashioned curiosity.

"December 12th, 2006, y'two had just come back from buyin' Christmas gifts, and went t'wrap them in Jean's room. After y'were done y'got in a paper throwing fight.. one thing led to another and.." I still can't believe how easily those words came out of my mouth, I was after all describing his first time. Ever. With anyone. With Jean.

"...Do you have my whole Biography?" He interrupted me, stopping me from concluding his encounter with Jean in words.

"Only the recent edition, some of your past.. like the plane accident y'were in when y'were seven, loosing your brother Alex.. your parents." I was talking kinda low, my words slow. Scott had already told me what happened to him when he was younger, and about his family.. I knew it still pained him. His emotions inside of me, becoming my own, letting me feel his hurt first hand.

I shut up when I saw how crestfallen he had become.

"You've been through so much on your own, I hate that you have to acquire others pains and sufferings."

"Sometimes it is necessary." I thought about our much needed kiss.

He got off the ground and wiped himself off. Scott was about to help me up when he took in what I was wearing. Or wasn't wearing for that matter. Like no gloves.

"Nice outfit." He complimented, a gentle smile forming on his features.

And that was where my day turned for the better. As I got up off the ground, Scott's sudden well being emanating from him, rubbing off onto me.

I changed, We went for a long drive, ate lunch, drove some more. We were in his red convertible, the wind whipping past and through us. _It was glorious._ I especially enjoyed when I was able to drive. I loved turning the corners so quickly, not applying the brakes, the feeling that we were going to flip over exhilarating, as was Scott's slightly fearful expression. We went to a museum and even a painters gallery, which was a little too hoity-toity for me. But it held some interesting pieces. I bet Piotr would die to have his work displayed there..

So we returned back to town, many an hour later, it was dark outside when we decided to do some grocery shopping before heading back home. When we came back to the mansion I prepared him dinner.

Chicken Milano with Fettuccini noodles, Bruschetta and a store bought Key Lime Pie that Scott picked out. He helped a little by chopping up vegetables and boiling the water for the noodles. After that I shooed him away and we talked as I cooked.

I can cook. If my momma taught me anything it was how to turn out a good meal. Not that I do it very often. In fact it is pretty rare.

We left the dishes, after I told him I had a huge urge to leave it all messy.. just because we could. He actually happily agreed. I would have thought perfectionist Scott would have made us clean up everything. He usually does.

Afterwards things got kinda interesting as someway, somehow, we eventually started playing hide and seek.

Let me tell you, I thought it was fun as a kid, but as an adult, it is downright scintillating. Nothing like getting caught. Or hunting for your prey.

Sometimes it would take him FOREVER to find me, and me him. I mean is this place huge or what! And then there is the basement, and the subbasement, the garage.. etc, etc..

I haven't had such an amusing time in a while. Scott enjoyed himself as well, becoming a totally different person as we had fun.

Yes, there were a few heated moments and prolonged stares. But beside a hug, a luscious leaning into one another's bodies. Nothing really happened.

Scott is probably never going to touch me again. Great nothing like a little pessimism.

So let's see, once we were exhausted form running around like six year olds we settled down and watched Air force one, Jakob the Liar, (my choice, I had seen it before my memory transfer with Magneto, and I don't recall it being so painful or so potent) ...lastly we ended up with the Fifth Element.

We ate popcorn, made nachos and drank six cans of Pepsi between us. My uncertainties and apprehensiveness left behind for the time being.

I fell asleep in the middle of the last movie, where Bruce Willis was taking Leeloo? to the preacher, carrying her in his arms.

So when I felt my own self being carried, I thought it was just an extension of the movie, filtering into my dreams.

I opened my eyes. Scott was holding onto me gently, taking my up to my room.

"You feel asleep." He informed me, looking down at me warmly. "Thought you would like to sleep in your bed, that couch isn't very comfortable."

I didn't say anything, just leaned into him, tired and contented.

When I woke the next time, I was to find myself alone in my bed, covers pulled over my body, fully clothed except for my gloves.. Scott no where to be seen.

But really, where did I expect to see him? My bed? Not likely.

I saw my clock. I had been asleep over five hours. It was already daylight.

So I wrote this, and now I am going back to bed. Praying that maybe, Xavier and the rest will extend their stay in Florida.


	28. Friday July 1 2010

It has been a strange day. Strange and somewhat funny.

I slept well last night, deeply and soundly. Even after I got up for a while to write a little. I don't remember what I dreamt about, but lately that is a good thing. A _very_ good thing.

By the time I was ready to get out of bed.. sometimes I just like to lie their in my perfect moment of contentment, between awake and sleepy.. it was past noon. I haven't slept in that late in a long time.

Anyway. So I took a long bath and allowed my mind to become still. By the time I finally headed down stairs, about thirty more minutes had passed.

I found myself whistling on the way down, a funny little tune that I couldn't recall the name of.

**Stop the presses!** Rogue was happy.

Even when I bumped into someone on the way down. Someone who wasn't Scott. Someone unexpected.

"Rogue!" Jubilee screamed at me, all cheerfulness and enthusiasm. She looked very pleased to see me.

I stood there and gawked at her. So much for my last day alone with Scott.

"Well don't look happy to see me or anything!" She told me jokingly. Halting on a step below me.

"Jubilee.." I started, once I found words that were almost lost in my sudden disappointment. Don't get me wrong I was glad to see her. It was just.. well. "What are y'doin' here?"

She rolled her eyes, she was holding a small travel bag in one hand, a backpack slung across her shoulders.

"Its a lonnnnnnng story." I took her travel bag from her, trying to help her a little, and she told me as we headed to her room.

I'll try to sum it up. Lets see. Logan and Ororo got into a huge fight. I laughed that off, since they are always having "Huge" fights.

"Not like this one." Jubilee said, throwing her bag on the floor haphazardly and dropping down on the bed. I put her other bag down beside it and watched her from where I stood, a couple feet away..

It seems it happened the night before, after dinner.

"They were yelling at each other so loud, even throwing things at one another if the sounds was anything to go by.. the Professor finally had to go to their room and check on them, especially when some of the younger students came to him quite scared out of their little minds."

And so she continued, with more details and gossip. How Xavier had to separate the two, how Logan disappeared for the entire night, and didn't return till that morning. Ororo left behind looking resolute and decided, if not a little depressed. It ended up with Logan finding Jubilee a couple hours ago, telling her that she was going to fly him back to the mansion.

"Normally I would have just slammed the door on his face. I mean you don't ask a favor by making it a demand!" She told me, stifling a yawn. "But I wasn't really having any fun, except for when I was able to sneak away, which unfortunately didn't happen too often.. everyone kept pawning one kid or another off on me to watch.. and that just plain sucked!.. Couldn't ride the rides I wanted.. couldn't go where I wanted and the Professor had the days all planned out and scheduled.. it was hell! Even Bobby and Kitty got more free time with one another! Guess since I am single they felt they could just take advantage of me! And a break! Hah. More like they were trying to break me!"

"Y'could have said somethin'." I told her. Knowing she probably did.

"Like I didn't!" She sighed loudly, taking her shoes off, and throwing them past me where they hit the wall.. "It's funny how people can turn a deaf ear when they don't want to hear what you have to say... Man it's good to be back.. Remind me not to do anything like that again!"

"So just y'and Logan huh?" I asked, trying to calculate the damage of my last peaceful day.

"Yea.." She paused, and I swear I saw a little light go off in her head.. "So.." She started, a huge face filling smile on her face. "Did anything _interesting_ happen while I was gone?"

"Define interesting."

Why oh why did I have to say that? Of all the things I could have said.

Her response left me laughing and slightly embarrassed.

"Um.. I guess I would have t'say no then t'your question."

"That's OK, it will happen for you Rogue." She said in a way that was supposed to leave no room for doubt.

"Gee thanks."

"I mean it, if I know anything I would like to think I know how others feel about each other!.. You and Bobby.. well lets just say it was kinda one sided.."

"What?" I shook my head slightly. Not knowing were exactly she was going.

"I mean Bobby cared more for you then you him.." Jubilee pulled me down on the bed beside her before I could argue about what she had just said and patted my arm. "And now he is with Kitty, probably more out of convenience then anything else.. he still cares for you.. you know that don't you?.." She took a quick breath, one that left no room for interruptions. "and then Ororo and Logan.. they were more in it for the sex than anything else."

"Jubilee..!"

"It's true.. And how do you do it? You got Logan, Scott and Bobby all watching you.. Man I could only be so lucky." She fell back on the bed and closed her eyes, bringing her hands back past her head, she stretched a little.

"But what about me and Scott?" I asked her, slightly wondering what she thought about that.

"I'm not sure.. I know he loves you.. but you.." she opened her eyes and sat back up. "You still haven't figured out what you are feeling.. but once you do.. once you feel what I think you are starting to.. life is going to be very different for you. Nothing like being in love to make life better..." A sad look flashed over her face. "Not that I have ever been. Although sometimes I thought I was."

She got up off the bed, tilted her head and stared at me. Her previous melancholy statement she had made about herself long forgotten.

"Is it me or are you wearing less clothes?" Jubilee said, not frightened like most people would have been but more satisfied that I was letting loose a little.

But that still ended my no gloves, no shoes thing I had going on. Now that Scott and I were no longer alone, the danger regarding my skin was once again amplified.

Goodbye Marie. Welcome back Rogue. Not that she ever left me.

Jubilee followed me as I went to my room, put some gloves and shoes on, a longer sleeved shirt over my tank top. She was really wound up, talking a mile a minute as she told me more of what she had been through for the past two days.

We headed downstairs for some food. Neither of us had eaten yet, and from the sounds that came from Jubilee's stomach, I knew she needed food more than me. When we approached the kitchen, angry voices where spilling out of it.

Who else but Scott's and Logan's.

"You did that on purpose." Logan was bellowing loudly.

"I wish I did, it would make this conversation more enjoyable." Scott was saying, an undertone of humor in his acerbic words.

Jubilee and I entered the now perfect and spotless kitchen.. Scott must have gotten up earlier to clean it up. That was more like the Scott I knew.

Both Jubilee and I noticed right away how the two men were posturing, both ready to lunge at the other.

It ended up that Logan had been wanting an orange to eat, and that Scott had used the last of them making him and me orange juice. I _love_ fresh squeezed orange juice. This wasn't the first time he had prepared it for me, but it was the first time someone looked like they wanted to kill him over it.

Jubilee ran off when she heard what it was all about and came back about a minute later. She threw an orange Logan's way.

He caught it easily, but his indignation over the loss of an Xavier's orange, didn't disappear nor dissipate. To argue Logan's case, the Professor does buy really good fruit, organic, shipped right from a small ranch in California and other places.

"Took it from my hotel room this morning.. go sit down and eat it.. " Logan started glaring at her.. "Preferably away from me, you give me indigestion when you're like that."

Scott laughed at that, while handing me a cup of the fight worthy liquid. I shared it with Jubilee who was very pleased that I did so.

We all ended up at the table, well, Jubilee, Scott and I. Logan was too busy glowering at the kitchen counter, peeling the skin of his orange with an extended claw.

It was one of the most silent and shortest meals I have ever partaken in. Even Jubilee was too busy eating two blueberry pop tarts and some chocolate pudding to open her mouth for something other then chewing. I myself was too busy sharing interesting looks with Scott while he ate a sandwich and I drank my juice. Unfortunately Jubilee caught some of them which set off some ridiculous grins on her part which seemed to make Logan fume all the more. But heck he could have left if he wanted to.

So the day continued. Jubilee got us all together later on to play basketball. In the case of Logan, she just kept nagging him until he gave in..

Logan and I had been on one team, Jubilee and Scott the other.

It started out fine, but somewhere in the middle, Scott and Logan started totally ignoring Jubilee and me, going at each other with a vengeance. But it's not like we were bored out of our minds, heck standing there watching two gorgeously built men, one with his shirt off, the others sticking to him from his sweat.. going at each other somewhat viscously as they fought for a ball, wasn't uninteresting at all. In fact it could happen more often. Wouldn't hear one word of complaint escape my lips.

But it ended when Scott punched Logan. And everything getting quickly out of control.

You see Logan, suddenly threw the ball to me where I had been standing behind Scott (guess he remember he had a partner), and it ended up hitting him right in the face, knocking him down to the ground.

As soon as he got up off the cement court, very enraged I might add, him and Logan went at it again. Shoving, pushing and yelling.. and then before I even saw it coming, Scott landed his balled up fist on Logan's chin.. His response was jumping on Scott, both crashing to the ground, fists and dirt flying.

Me and Jubilee exchanged some comical expressions and then managed to drag the two apart.

"What is wrong with y'two!" I shouted once the two were finally standing, my words directed at Scott. Both were breathing rather noticeably, both being restrained. Logan by Jubilee, Scott by me. Both were looking at one another acrimoniously.

I expected Scott to say many things but what he said next was not one of them.

"Logan instigated it!" He rasped, pointing an accusing finger at Logan, acting like a kid who just had his candy stolen.

"Yea." Logan began, throwing one of his throaty laughs in. "Throw the blame at me Summers, that'll work."

"Well you had no problem throwing and hitting me with a ball!"

"Can't help it if your big head got in the way."

"Not any bigger than your ego! And since when has your aim been that off?"

"I was throwing it to Rogue, didn't expect you to jump in front of the thing like a jackass."

"I didn't jump I was standing there. You did it on purpose! Admit it!"

"I'll admit you don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm just speaking the truth."

"From your point of view." Logan scoffed.

"Quiet!" I shouted.

Logan started to open his mouth.

"Shut up!" Jubilee screamed at him before he could speak. Poking him in his chest. Brave girl.

"Y'two want t'fight?" I asked looking pointedly at each in turn. Both saying nothing, "Come with me!" I demanded with a voice that dared them to defy me.

I grabbed onto Scott's right arm and Logan's left. I don't know how I managed it but I reached my goal. Where I had been leading the two.

We made it to the danger room in once piece, even if my arms were hurting a little from the strain that was caused by the struggling men. There was no way I could have dragged them there if they weren't a little willing, or interested in what I had in mind for them.

"What are we doing here?" Scott questioned me, although he must have had an inkling.

"What do you think Sherlock? You guys want to duke it out, you can do it here!" Jubilee was actually quite gleeful. Her words accentuated by her lively gestures as she waved her hands around the room. She then winked at me and smiled.

I took a couple steps in front of them, stood by Jubilee, and turned around to face the men. Logan was smirking. Scott was looking amused.

"Y'guys wants t'murder each other? Fine. It's 'bout time y'two got this out of your system. Might as well do it here where y'can do the least damage."

"You cant be serious Rogue!" Scott said, taking a couple steps toward me. I stopped him with a look.

"Cant I?.. Neither one of y'is comin' out of here unless y'apologize, or knock the other out." My bold words raising my self esteem up two notches, as I stared at Logan and Scott defiantly.

"I guess Rogue doesn't like you as much as I thought, if she is going to let me kill you." I heard Logan say to Scott as I grabbed Jubilee and we headed out the doors.


	29. Friday July 1 2010 Continued

Locking them in behind us, we headed up to the watch room. Looking out the observation window down below. Neither Logan or Scott were doing anything. Just kinda weaving around one another.

Thanks to the multimillion dollar sound system Xavier installed I could hear everything the two were saying as if I was down in the room with them..

"I _really_ don't like you." Scott was saying, his voice hard and bitterly cold.

"As if _your _on my favorites list." Logan responded snidely, giving him an even look.

"You owe me an apology."

"You've got a better chance of seeing a herd of pink elephants passing us by and saluting us."

"I don't want to fight you." Scott said, stopping and standing still.

"Yes. You do." Logan replied evenly, matching Scott's sudden stillness.

Several minutes later, the two still arguing, Jubilee came back. I hadn't even realized she left, nor returned until I smelled something. I turned slightly around.

"Jubilee! What! Is that?"

"Popcorn what does it look like?.. This is bound to be more entertaining that anything I have seen lately.. don't worry," She held out another bowel of the snack out toward me, "I brought you some too."

We laughed over her antics and she sat down beside me.

"Anything happen while I was gone?"

"Nope."

"Darn."

While we watched, Scott went and checked the doors to see if they were really locked. But they definitely were, and from the outside too. He even took the door control panel off and started to fiddle with it, but didn't get very far with it, especially when Jubilee started yelling at him through the speaker system.

So the two took to wandering the room. Saying nothing to one another. This went on for quite some time. The popcorn was long gone and our patience was running thin.

Heck if one of them apologized to the other _that _would have been entertaining.

But then it happened.

Logan seemed to be getting more and more restless as the minutes started passing, a little twitchy too. Liked a caged animal. He starred cursing loudly, at me, at Jubilee and at Scott.

And then he just let loose.

"Enough of this!" Scott barely had enough time to turn around and face the now barreling toward him Logan, as he was kicked brutally to the ground and attacked.

_The fight was on._

Scott got his wits about him relatively quickly, easily pushing Logan off of him and rolling to the side. Jumping up he brought his clenched hands in front of his body. Logan rushed toward him again, but this time it did him no good. Every punch Logan threw at Scott was blocked, every kick skillfully evaded. I have never seen Summer's so deft in his movements before. So able to handle himself. I think Logan wasn't prepared for the sudden skill that was being literally shoved in his face. And he may have been quick but Scott seemed more than able to keep up with him.

Logan finally got a hard kick in that landed on Scott's chest, who nearly fell over from the impact. But regaining his balance, he dropped to the ground, swiping Logan's feet out from under him, causing the Canadian to drop hard to the ground. He didn't give him a chance to get off the floor. Taking a step forward, Scott span slightly, bringing his foot with him as he aimed it at Logan's head. Who managed to lean back and move out of the way.

But Scott was seemingly prepared for that as he jumped forward, bringing his other foot up, this time making contact with the right side of Logan's face,who went crashing back down on the mat.

Getting up part way, almost in a praying position, Logan leaned on one leg, watching his quarry guardedly as he spat out of his mouth. Scott had finally drawn his blood.

I half expected Wolverine to release his claws, especially after that, but I guess nonverbally the two decided not to use their powers.

Suddenly roaring loudly he pounced at the approaching Scott, who had seen his move well enough in advance to get out of the way. Which just made Wolvy even more angry.

They continued. Both still full of vitality and obvious rancor. There were more punches, kicks, flips, jabs, and everything else under the sun. Man against man. Fist against fist.

Anger against rage.

It was breathtaking, yet more violent than I expected. But I was still unable to turn away.

Neither would quit, give in, or stay on the floor. It got to the point where neither could seem to stand. Even Logan was wobbly and not so sure footed as Scott continued his fierce barrage of attack upon him. Not given in, or letting up. Meeting Logan's fierceness with a sharp determination all his own.

But both were taking a beating. And Scott would be the one left with the scars, marks and abrasions.

I was just about to go down and stop the thing, out the door and on my way down the stairs to the elevator, when I heard it.

_Silence._

I nearly tripped and fell, from my sudden frozen state. Turing around when I regained my balance I went back up to the room.

"What's goin' on?" I asked Jubilee.

Her eyes were large with astonishment when she turned to face me.

"They've... they've stopped!"

"Stopped?"

I saw she spoke the truth as I peered down below. I couldn't believe it. Logan was helping Scott off the ground, who was actually allowing him too.

It was over.

"Not bad," Logan was saying, his words tinted with actual respect and a good amount of surprise. "You hit pretty good for a boy scout."

"Apology accepted." Scott said, disregarding Logan's sarcasm, while not giving him any room to argue about what he had just said, just by the way he held his stance. Like he was ready to go at it again if he had to. Especially if Logan said anything to the contrary to his just spoken words.

But Logan didn't, he just settled for a partial snarl and two raised eyebrows. Maybe he was slightly apologetic, although since I pretty much ruled that out .. I figured at the very least his anger must have been subdued adequately. At least for the time being.

I rushed down after that. Jubilee following behind me. Opening the danger room doors, we anxiously made our way inside...

So I helped fix Scott up after Jubilee retrieved the first aid kit for me. He sat down on the mat and allowed me to tend to him. A strangely pleasing experience. He didn't look as bad as I originally thought, although he had a bloody nose, and a huge gash over his right eye above his sunglasses, glasses that he somehow managed to keep on throughout the whole exchange... Must be years of practice.

Me trying to clean him up wasn't the easiest process in the world, I managed the antiseptic ok, but the dang bandages kept getting stuck to my gloves, which besides the amusement it brought to the others, it did nothing for me. I finally ripped them off and I was able to finish up. Although it probably took me longer than it would have most people, me having to be careful and all, but Scott was very patient...

I bet his body was covered in welts and bruises as well. He would probably be sore for a while. But he wouldn't complain.

Logan tidied up his own self while I was working on Scott, which pretty much just involved grabbing a towel off a bench and wiping the sweat and blood off his body. Looking perfectly healthy like he always does.

Jubilee just sat on the mat handing me things like a nurse as I asked for them...

"Cotton balls."

"Check."

"Gauze."

"Check." She kept saying every time she put something in my hand.

I was even more impressed with Scott, when he got off the floor by himself, and was able to walk out of the room without much of a limp or anything else. Especially since It's not easy taking someone on who has regenerative powers. But I've always known Scott was strong enough to take Logan on, even if the fight ended a little prematurely, he had held his own. And in the end he was still able to stand.

Not many people could say they held out against the Wolverine...

So the day ambled on, becoming night.

We ended up having a barbeque, everyone pitching in and helping. Even Logan marinated and cooked the steaks. Eating together once again, this time we were talkative, Logan even joined into the conversation as Scott and him suddenly were more friendly with one another. Men! Nothing like beating the crap out of one another to form a sudden sense of camaraderie.

I decided to enjoy it while it lasted. These sporadic truces of theirs never last very long.

After dinner Jubilee and I were heading up to her room to find a game that the four of us could play. Well hopefully four if Logan could be convinced.

So we were in her closet, going through what she had available.

It ended up we just grabbed a deck of cards. Figured we could play poker or something. Heck, then Logan couldn't argue by saying it was a sissy game or something else derogatory.

Anyway we were on our way back down, when Jubilee decided to unleash on me some of her abruptness and supposed knowledge.

"You know those two weren't fighting over oranges or flying basketballs don't you?"

I stopped on the second to last step at the bottom and looked at her puzzled.

"What do y'mean Jubilee?"

She gave me one of her knowing smiles. Looking proud as a peacock for whatever she apprehended.

"Well?" I said finally. Jubilee looked as if she wanted to stretch out whatever it was she knew as long as possible. Savor it.

"They were fighting over you." She told me, pointing at me and watching me closely for my response.

I laughed. Her words tickling me. As the absurdity of them were absorbed in my system.

"They fought over Jean, they would _never_ fight over me."

Jubilee let out a long breath. And shook her head at me.

"Why don't you see what I see?"

"Because y'aren't seein' what you're seein'?"

I started to walk away from her quickly, she ran to catch up with me.

"Why such denial Rogue?"

I gave her a smile that was more of a frown.

"Because things like that don't happen to me."

She placed her hand on my upper arm.

"They are now!"

"Please! Logan doesn't care for me _that_ way! He's just a little protective that's all."

"A Little? He wanted to _kill_ Scott down there... "

"They were just letting off some steam."

"Some steam, it nearly melted the mansion down to it's natural components."

"Logan doesn't think about me _that _way!" I repeated myself again, more sternly, trying to drive it into her thick brain and end the conversation before someone overheard us.

"He could!"

"So are y'sayin' all knowin' Jubilee doesn't know how he feels?" I asked her, my interest somewhat peaked.

"Well he is a hard one to read sometimes.. so who knows.. maybe it's more that just plain old protection." She shrugged. Getting a faraway look as she started to play with one of her large hoop earrings.

Both of us were silent after that as we located Scott and Logan. Scott watching the news in the front room, Logan on the back porch smoking a cigar.

Jubilee and I did manage to get us all together once again to play poker. A game I used to suck at. But now with so many people's knowledge running around in my head of how to play it (and how to cheat if I wanted) I did rather well. I'll have to thank Logan later for saying:

"I'm not playing with those kiddy chips," He barked, pointing at the red, yellow and blue sized coins."You wanna play, we'll play for real money."

Jubilee had been the one who had thought of using those, and I could see she had to restrain herself from throwing them all at Logan. Although later, when she had lost a good amount of money, some which she had to borrow from Scott, she did lose her control and throw them at Logan and me, who had been hogging all the winnings.

Poor girl. But I'll probably give her some of her money back. She has been saving up for another jacket, to replace her ruined one, and I kinda want to see her get it.

So my day wasn't quite like I expected it to be. Instead of just Scott I spent time with Logan and Jubilee too.

But it was great. I mean how often have the four of us ever spent time together that didn't involve fighting or defending one another from someone or something?

And even if the outer limits theme went through my head a couple times, due to Scott and Logan being a little more cordial than usual, I was still able to appreciate it all...

Logan eventually took off, mumbling about how he had things to do, a stern expression on his features that was supposed to hide the fact that he had a good time. But I knew better.

Jubilee had been looking more and more tired as the night progressed and took Logan's leaving as a cue for her to go to bed.

So it was just me and Scott. I helped him clean up the mess that was left for us, stuffing the money in my jean pockets, satisfied. Thinking about what I was going to do with it all.

"Are you tired Rogue?"

I picked up an empty bag of potato chips and some cans of pop and beer, throwing them away in the trash can that was located behind the pool table in the game room, where we had been playing.

"Why? Y'trying' t'get rid of me?"

"No actually the complete opposite." He gave me one of his soft endearing smiles. Making his way over to me.

"What did y'have in mind?" I asked, looking up into his slightly bruised face. I brought my hand up and lightly touched him above his eye where I had bandaged him earlier. "Still can't believe y'did that! What would the Professor think?"

"Well in case you haven't noticed Xavier isn't here.." He suddenly grabbed me from behind my arms bringing me closer to him. "In fact nobody is here but us." His voice became softer by a couple degrees, changing the atmosphere in the room from warmly playful to searingly sensual.

"I've... I've noticed." I managed to get out, his sudden nearness to me making me flustered .. in a good way.

"Do you trust me Rogue?" He looked at me very serious.

I thought the question over for a couple long seconds before answering. It all depending on what he was asking I trusted him with. Or in what circumstance. And does one person ever completely trust another? I believed I had that with Logan, maybe I still do.. to a certain extent. But well. And then Bobby. And then the others, Xavier, McCoy, Ororo, Jubilee. Probably more Jubilee and Scott than anyone else at the moment but.. I just don't know anymore. Trust. Can I? Do I. Will I?

"Sometimes." I finally said.

Scott actually chuckled at that. Brushing some of my hair out of my face that had fallen when he had taken a hold of me.

"I guess that is good enough... for now.. Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Close your Eyes."

I finally did. Fighting the urge to open one of them and see what he was doing.

But then I felt it, contact on the side of my face, that was slowly making it was up and around my lips, over my closed eyes. Then down the side of my neck and just over the edge of my shirt, touching my skin as it dipped slightly underneath, caressing the bare area above my tank top that I was wearing underneath.

"Open your mouth Rogue." Scott suddenly told me, his voice low and husky.

"Why?" I kept my eyes shut, knowing he was staring down at me as I spoke.

"Because you'll want to."

Who could argue with that logic. So I did as I was told.

He put something in my mouth. I knew what it was immediately. A peanut M&M, we had them along with the chips and other snack foods.

I opened my eyes, Scott was watching me, or my mouth more exactly. Biting down into the chocolate candy I swallowed it down.

"Is that how y'touched me?" I already had a partial idea what it had been, but I was still slightly in awe. If a piece of candy could do that to me, what would it be like if it had been his bare hand. His finger? The thought sent shivers down through me.

"Not bad huh?"

We were still pretty close, I lightly trailed my hand up his well muscled arm.

"Not bad at all." I said, returning his touch with my gloved hand as it made its way to his face. I touched his mouth first, slightly fascinated with it, then dragged a finger underneath his glasses, reveling in the contact.

"Take them off." He whispered. Causing my stomach to tighten in a pleasing manner.

"I.."

"It's Ok Rogue my eyes are closed."

So I took his glasses off. Carefully, staring at the man who stood before me. Could anyone be more perfect? More Beautiful? Man if all the girls around here were gaga over Scott now, they should get a look at his full features! His soft eyelashes, smooth skin, a little hair growth over his chin.. I lightly passed my right hand over his closed eyes, wondering if it pains him not to be able to see people without his mutation tinting his perception.

But I knew he didn't feel that as much as he had in the past. Now used to his world of red that he lives in. Only every once and a while did he feel caged, bottled up somehow. Separated. Confined. But I knew he was also very grateful that he could see anything at all.

I stood up a little on my tiptoes and lightly brushed my lips over his right eye. Shocking myself as I did so.

Scott took a deep intake of breath when I did that. I guess it was kinda dangerous what I did, what if he opened his eyes out of surprise?

Well, guess I wouldn't have to worry about my skin anymore. Or anything else for that matter.

But I knew he could control himself, years of experience preparing him.

Scott didn't say anything as I put his glasses back on him, the back of my right hand touching the side of his face afterwards, as I found I didn't want to stop feeling him. Even such as it was.

I barely dropped my hand down after that contact, when he started kissing me, short caresses over my mouth, face and neck, that didn't give my mutation time to respond, even if I was.

But it had to stop. Before things went from barely curbed, to frightfully, if not gloriously frantic. My mind becoming crisp and clear as I was able to think of the consequences if we didn't. Even with that knowledge it still took me a while to say something.

"Scott.." I said, my voice not sounding like my own. "Scott."

He finally let me go. I was sitting on the card table, him right in front of me. I didn't even know that Scott had picked me up and put me there, until I had opened my eyes. He placed one more lingering kiss on the top of my head and gave me an understanding look.

"I know." He brought me to my feet, placed his hands around me, and hugged me gently. "I know."

We went for a walk after that, neither of us saying much of anything. Parting for the night when a couple minutes after we returned to the house, Scott got a call from McCoy. After making sure it wasn't anything that would require me donning my uniform, I left him and went up to my room. Slowly. As if sleepwalking.

_Darkness, Brightness._

_Love and Desire._

_Fill me, want me._

_Wake me from this dream._

_Chase me._

_Or just let me sleep._

_Catch me._

_Don't leave me be._

_Caress me._

_Just with your words._

_Look at me._

_I see you too._

_Tinted in red._

_Washed in white._

_Swirling together._

_Changing colors._

_Becoming something new._

_Alive._

Rogue - Friday July 1st 2010 11:32 PM


	30. Thursday August 26 2010

It's been about two months since I have last written. Things have been going really well for me.. For the most part. A change that I don't mind.

My tai chi class has become official, after the Professor called me to his office one day, telling me how proud he was of me.

"The kids love your class Rogue, I would like to add it to our courses offered, if you would like to take on the responsibility."

At first I argued with him, but them he told me he was planning on paying me for teaching, and heck, who can't use money?

So I do it in the morning and early evening before dinner. The later one for the younger students of the institute the early one for my friends etc. It filled up so quickly. I decided on taking twelve students, to make it more easy to watch them as they train and make sure they get the techniques correct. I had a sheet of paper on the bulleting board downstairs that had so many names on it, that I had to actually disappoint some people when they found out there was no more room. Maybe when I get used to this teaching thing I will take more people on. Me a teacher! Miss Impatient.. don't ask me any questions.. Rogue. I am laughing now.

Also after the Professor finally convinced me to take it on, I swallowed down my hesitation and opened my mouth. I managed to ask him to help me with controlling my mutation, to try to be able to touch. His reaction was a very pleased one.

"I've been waiting for you to ask me for a long time Rogue, I am glad you finally did."

Truth be told, I had been about to ask Jean before the whole Stryker incident, knowing I would feel more comfortable with a woman, but that didn't matter anymore. I would take what I could get. And why not get help from one of the worlds most powerful mutants?

My therapy sessions (you know the ones that started after my Erik experience?) with the Professor ended about a month and a half ago when he saw I was doing better.

But now I am seeing him again, three times a week, an hour each time or more, depending on circumstances, where he asks me questions and digs gently in my mind as he searches for a way to help me.

And some are _way_ to personal questions like:

"Before your mutation did you like to touch Rogue?"

"Were you ever in an intimate relationship before you came here?"

"Were you ever abused as a child?"

Man! If I had thought his questions were blunt before now they are more so. But he did warn me ahead of time, that it wouldn't be easy, and that some things might make me uncomfortable. He didn't lie about that. And to think it's just the start. Do I know what I am getting myself into? Yes, My eyes are open. I am ready.

And especially if it helps, I see no reason to deny him my answers, even if they are still slightly guarded ones.

I have told him how I have been working on using a thin magnetic shield to cover my skin, a power Magneto had used when dealing with harmful chemicals and the like. And how Jubilee has been my guinea pig.

She herself volunteered. But it drains me, at least it did at first. I think my body is getting used to the strain. I still haven't told Scott though. Out of fear that it might fail at any time or just.. I don't know. Xavier just told me to be careful, and that I should keep him informed of my progress.

"How come I can control everyone's power except my own Professor?"

I finally asked him one day. Before I left his office to take a nap since I was utterly drained.

"Well Rogue, seeing how you also absorb their knowledge and insight to the gifts that you borrow, letting you know how they used them, harnessed them, and your mutation is your own.."

"It's up t'me t'figure it out." I answered flatly, disappointment interlaced in my words.

"Yes Rogue, but you're a smart, resourceful young lady, I am sure that if you stay dedicated, you will eventually learn to control _your_ powers." I don't know if he was being optimistic at that point, speaking things as though they weren't but could be, but, I, well, for once wasn't going to look past his words filled with good intentions, and hope. I will just take them for what they were. Encouragement so that I would continue.

He tried to get me to join one of Ororo's meditation classes, but I refused outright. That's not my sort of thing, especially not that new age stuff.

For some reason this all reminds me of when I first arrived here and thought that Xavier was there to help cure me. But Ororo told me otherwise after one of her history classes, after I asked her about it, changing my perspective on things in just a couple words when she responded.. So maybe he can't cure me, but maybe he can help fix me. For there is something wrong with me. Right? I mean this can't be it. This can't be all. Never allowed to touch. I don't want to believe it. I won't!

Let's see I still work with Xing, have pretty much mastered the staff at this point, he wants me to pick another weapon out to work on, I am thinking of Sais, there's something about them that draw me to them.

Logan has left, he has been gone for about two weeks at this point, Seems like Ororo and him are over. Maybe at one point I would have been overjoyed. But now I couldn't care less. Ok, or at least, don't care as much as I might have in the past.

Usually when he left I would feel a tightness all around me, and be depressed, but for the first time, I felt nothing but a brief sadness that vanished when I realized he would be coming back. He always comes back.

Seems Scott and I are the center of the rumor mill. Gossip spreading widely, along with outrageous scenarios and outright lies.

_Rogue asked Scott to move in with her but he refused! _

_Rogue's using Scott to get Logan to notice her._

_Scott asked Rogue to dye her hair red!_

On an on they float around me, some more hurtful and stupid that others. They are starting to dwindle down, especially after the incident where I came across some of the unmindful students talking loudly outside, and I built a circular ice wall around them, that they were stuck inside for an hour until Ororo came across them later on when she was doing her nightly jog.

Oddly enough I actually didn't get called to the Professors office after that, although for a couple days afterwards he kept smiling at me knowingly. Who knew the Professor had a sense of humor?

Even Ororo pulled me aside, gave me a hug and started to laugh. The twinkle in her eyes making words unnecessary.

I think Jubilee enjoys defending me, it gives her an excuse for her attitude to become more audacious as she yells at people and threatens them with bodily harm.

But if it wasn't Scott and me it would be someone else. Nothing like living in a small community where everyone is in one another's business, whether you want them to be or not.

So I guess everybody believes Scott and I to be together, Which I guess we are. We were considered a couple by others before I even knew it myself. Or allowed myself to acknowledge it.

Such is the way of things.

Professor bought Jubilee a new car. Well actually, he paid for some of it, her insurance actually paid off. Guess the insurance policy included cars blown up by F.O.H. because they did give her a fat little check. She was even able to finally find again, that jacket that she loved so much on the Internet that was also ruined that night, and so is pleased once more.

We have been spending a lot of time together, her, me and Scott. I really do enjoy her, especially lately, it's like, I don't know, she's creeping under my skin, becoming someone I am growing more and more attached to.

So now I have Jubilee, Scott and sometimes Logan. Sometimes is as good as it gets with him. I guess I should consider myself lucky on that point.

And Scott, what is there to say about Scott that I haven't? He's touched me more than anyone has ever before, even Logan who seems to make a point to come into contact with me. He doesn't make me feel guilty like Bobby did, for the fact that it can't get serious, beyond short caresses and too quick kisses.

And I thought he would never want to touch me again. Boy was I wrong!

I can't stop thinking about him, he's in my every waking thought, and when I go to bed at night, he greets me in my dreams. Me having touchable skin, and his mouth able to linger on mine more than an ephemeral moment.

But he's the reason, why I said at the beginning that for the _most_ part things were going well.

Something's going on with him, for the last couple days he has slowly become introverted. Not showing up at scheduled meetings, canceling his classes.

And the worst part may be that I know what it is about. Don't have to absorb his thoughts to know what he is thinking.

Jean. I think his dreams are getting worse. Why else would he look like a walking zombie, appearing as if he hadn't slept in forever?

He's pushing everyone away again, avoiding people and eating little. Just like he had been when Jean died.

I thought for sure that I was going to be next, but strangely, he has started to cling to me that much fiercer. As if he is afraid of loosing me.

Yesterday I had been getting out of the shower when I found him sitting on my bed. One of his hands balled up and covering his mouth as he leaned on it, waiting for me.

"Scott!" I half shrieked, grabbing his attention right away as he noticed I was just in a towel. I was suddenly very aware of all the skin peeking out from the cloth, and the way his gaze was intently involved in viewing me. "What if I came out with no clothes on?"

That was the first time he entered my room without knocking. Strangely it didn't upset me at all. And the way he was looking at me, was actually very pleasing and flattering.

"Then my day would have ended on a good note." He told me, offering me one of his full mouth flirty smiles, that always makes my stomach do strange things.

"Shameless flatterer!"

"Relentless tease."

I returned his smile and grabbed some clothes out of my drawer, and went back to the bathroom and got dressed.

When I was done, exited the bathroom, Scott was gone. So I went to his room, where I found him sitting in front of his computer, looking at a blank screen.

His door was open like he was waiting for me, so I walked in after knocking twice on it.

"Scott?"

He swiveled around in his chair slowly.

"Rogue."

He got up out of his computer chair and sat down on his couch. Scott didn't look very well.. at least from what I could see, a couple days growth on his face and chin, wearing jeans and a gray T-shirt instead of his usual slacks and dress shirt. Hair not as immaculate as usual, nor was his room, when I took a chance to look around it.

"Y'want t'tell me what is goin' on?" I looked over to his bookcase, half of his books, were on the floor in front of it, as if he had been looking for something frantically. His bed was also unmade, clothes were splattered here and there and his alarm clock was unplugged and broken on the floor by his window. Everything in such disarray that it actually frightened me.

"I just wanted to see you."

"Well y'definitely _saw_ me didn't you?" I said referring to my very exposed bare skin that he had seen earlier. Trying to draw his attention away from himself. Scott looked so preoccupied with whatever was going on in his head, that I had to try.

But he didn't crack a smile at that, as if he almost didn't hear me. I sat down on the coach beside him, grabbed his right arm with mine and leaned into him, putting my head on the side of his shoulder.

Scott surprised me then, by taking my arms and dragging me onto his lap where he clung to me gently.

"You always make me feel better." He whispered into my ear.

"Y'do the same for me." I told him, breathing him in as he held on to me.

That's when Jubilee made one of her impromptu entrances. But the door had been left open, so if it was anyone's fault it was mine for not closing it. I guess Scott had thoroughly distracted me that I had forgotten.

"There you are Rogue, "she chirped, bursting in, hardly noticing how Scott and I were slightly tangled together.. "I've been looking everywhere, well not everywhere, but your room and the kitchen and well, here, so almost everywhere."

Scott and I parted after I got off the couch. He held onto my hand until the distance caused us to break apart. So I went toward Jubilee, latched on to her arm and dragged her out of the room, a good ways down the hall.

"I can't go t'the concert tonight Jubilee."

"But we planned this for days." She whined, taking on her appealing look with her big doe eyes, and pouting lip. But that all turned to a frown with her next words, as she became concerned. "It's Scott isn't it?"

"Y'noticed too?"

"Honey the whole mansions noticed, all the kids have already learned to stay out of his path, that is when he actually decides to leave his room, you figured out what is wrong with him yet?"

I told her I hadn't and to take someone else. She left me after giving me a saddened look and a long backwards glance.

I went back to Scott's room, where I found him downing some Advil in his bathroom as he threw some water into his mouth from the outpouring facet.

"Scott?" He knew what I was asking just by the way I was saying his name. He turned the water and bathroom light off, and went and sat on his bed, took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes warily.

"Please Rogue, I don't want to talk about it, I know you are worried about me, but I can't. Not right now.. I will tell you.. but Not today." His words were somewhat harsher than I was used to, almost sounding pained, and tired... very tired.

"I just want t'help you." I approached him slowly and sat down on the bed beside him. My distress over his condition peaking at that point as I watched him slightly scared.

"You are, just by being here with me."

We hardly said anything the rest of the night. Not even when I left and got us both some food, food that he hardly ate any of, even after my begging him to.

That ended up being the second time I spent the night with Scott. That time though, he held onto me, my body snuggly against his as he fell asleep. I didn't change, luckily I had some comfortable enough clothes on, since he didn't seem to want me to leave his sight again, wouldn't even let me take the dirty dishes and half eaten food down to the kitchen.

It took me a long while to fall asleep. It wasn't just the closeness, it was Scott. I couldn't figure him out. Or maybe I could. But maybe I didn't want to.

I couldn't seem to bring myself to asking him about Jean, if it was indeed something to do with his sudden irrational behavior. Once I did fall asleep, I wouldn't stay asleep for long, suddenly bombarded with nightmares of a returning Jean, where I was forgotten. Invisible. Of no importance.

But it was only nightmares. Not a premonition or anything of that sort.

I'm going to have to ask him. Even if I already know what he is going to say. Or maybe even deny. I know what haunts him. Or who. What else could it be? I've gotten enough doses of him lately from prolonged touches to help me figure it out, even if he now manages to somehow block most of the things that have to do with her.

He did tell me that they used to share a telepathic bond, that kept them always connected, in thought and their minds linked. Maybe it has also given him some more power of mind, of being able to filter things, control his thoughts better. I don't know. I know if I held on long enough that it would break, that I would see. But at that point he would probably be unconscious on the floor, and I definitely am not willing to go that far. No matter how intense my need to know.

Is there no peace for me? I know I have had it in the past and am sure to experience it again. But why cant it last?


	31. Wednesday September 1 2010

Scott left over five days ago. He said the Professor was sending him on a "fact finding mission" regarding a mutant hospital. But there had been something about the way he told me, the way he bore himself. That I _knew_, even if I was consciously denying it at the time. That he wasn't telling me the truth. That for the first time since I had know him he was lying to me.

Two days after he left, Jubilee came to me with a sealed letter that Scott gave her, one he made her promise she wouldn't give me until forty eight hours had passed. For once she didn't stay to ogle it and me, but instead gave me some privacy, as I read the short note in the silence of my room. It went something like this.. probably exactly like this, since the short letter has been seared into my memory.

_Rogue,_

_I can't stay away. I feel that Jean is calling me. I have to go to Alkali Lake. I have to know._

_I __**need**__ to know._

_Please understand._

_Scott_

Since he has left I have had the most restless nights of sleep I have ever had. And then when I got the note, insomnia crept into my life, an edge of awakeness that wouldn't dull or go away.

So that is why I was up that horrible night. That night I wish I could have bypassed or just eliminated all together. I had been in the kitchen, trying to eat a pint of cookies and cream ice cream, trying to shut up the torturous voices in my head that wouldn't stop arguing with me. Or leave me alone. Those too had started up again as what control I had seemed to dissipate away along with the hope of getting a restful nights sleep.

That is when Storm passed the kitchen, she didn't notice me, but I certainly saw her. The main thing I noticed about her was how she was in uniform. It was very late, around two thirty in the morning, and I wanted to know what was so urgent that she had to leave at such a time and couldn't wait till morning.

Maybe that was my first mistake. Maybe I could have prolonged the inevitable and the knowledge of what was going on for just a little while. Gone back to my room, tried to go to sleep by taking some sleeping pills that Jubilee had lent to me, that I haven't bothered with yet.

_But of course not._

I followed after her, my ice cream forgotten on the counter along with my gloves. By the time I caught up with her, all I saw was the elevator doors that led down to the subbasement closing behind her.

I put my hand on a panel, the DNA scanner activating as soon as I did, scanning my hand with two quick flashes of light.

The elevator returned and opened for me. But it wasn't empty.

Professor Xavier was in it, looking like he had the shock of his life. He was in pajamas, a robe on over them, which was half open with the tie strings barely wrapped around his waist. The right side of his collar on his shirt slightly sticking up. I have never seen him look so unkempt before. He didn't seem surprised to see me, but he did seem actually a little wary of me. As if he wished he could have avoided me or that he could get out of telling me something?

"Professor what is goin' on?"

He seemed saddened by the fact that I asked that question. Xavier left the elevator, I followed slowly after him. Both of us standing out in the dimly lit hallway, as he let out a deep breath and calmly tried to explain things to me. By the time he was done, I realized I had forgotten to breathe, a sharp pain forming underneath my eyes that actually seemed to pulsate, as I suddenly felt weak and wasted. Some of what he and I said are as follows, words and sentences that made my world turn upside down, inside out and take on a tint of darkness that seems to be only getting darker.

He had located Jean with Cerebro after she telepathically called out to him.. a very alive Jean Grey, near Alkali Lake. One who's powers must have grown if she was able to contact him over such a large distance... But that wasn't all.

Through the haze I realized for the first time he was treating me more like an adult, an actual equal as he spared nothing and told me everything.

"I picked up a second individual with her.. I just managed to decipher who it was, when there was a blinding flash of light.. once my eyes adjusted, I saw that Jean was down on the ground unconscious and the other person was no longer present."

I couldn't understand why he was telling me all that. But then it hit me full force. As did his overly cautious words.

"It was _Scott_ Rogue, Scott was with _Jean_."

"But that means, are you tryin' t'tell me, that y'believe him t'be.. t'be.. " I gulped loudly, my throat constricting. Unable to say the last word.

"I don't know Rogue, but I don't want to offer you any false hope.." He paused, maybe realizing the sting of detachment in his words, a form of denial on his part, about everything that was happening. He continued with a little more empathy as his tone was laced with a discernable sadness that kept me listing to what he had to say. "Jean isn't quite herself, she's confused and her powers.. are, well, out of control." I saw the start of tears in his eyes, whether because of Jean or the possibility of what might happened to Scott. Maybe both.

So that was what Storm was doing. Where she was going. I told the Professor I wanted to go. After all Logan, who had returned the day before Scott left, was going with her. So why couldn't I? But he wouldn't let me. But now when I think about it, he was right not letting me go, especially considering I had just started going into shocked, shut down mode at the time, operating on borrowed steam.

"With Jean being as unstable as I believe she may be at this point, it could only cause her more damage for her to know that Scott and you are now together."

_Together,_ but now with Jean back, was that true anymore. Would he still want me ? Was he even there to want me? And of course the malevolent part of me wanted to know why Jean had to be coming back at all, even if the better part of me was quite happy to know she had somehow survived the tragedy of over a year and a half ago.

"But she could get that from Storm and Logan anyway!" I argued, trying hard to remain in control of myself even if I felt like I was starting to crumble into pieces. And didn't Xavier always say how telepaths that he tutored were taught never to "peak" inside someone's mind without permission or in an emergency? So why was he concerned that Jean was going to do? How much had he "seen" with cerebro? What was he not telling me? How out of control was she?

"Maybe so, but with you she would get more.. intimate details."

I slightly paled at that, knowing what he said might be true. Knowing that it may never happen again, ever. For I finally allowed myself to care, to even start to love, and I couldn't do that again. I didn't want to contemplate a life without Scott. It was too bizarre, too dramatic, too horrible. And just when I started to lower my guard, let him in, let him care for me. Let him touch me.

"What am I supposed t'do Professor? Wait patiently for news from Ororo and Logan? The trip alone takes forever! I can't last that long.. I can't wait that long for them t'tell me whether Scott is alive or.. not.. I just can't. It's not possible. Not possible at all!" I insisted, shaking my head roughly, and pounding my fist into the wall, leaving a dent behind.

"We will go to my office, we will wait together." He told me, calmly, efficiently, falling back into his leader mode, as he put one of his hands in his robe pocket, brought it up and took my bare hand in his.

So he led me there. It didn't take me more than five minutes before I had to get up and pace. Walking back and forth over and over, never straying very far from his office, although I had enough of my wits about me to go get my gloves in the kitchen and throw away my barely eaten ice cream.

It was the worst experience of my life that I can remember. So much tension, anxiety, paranoia and fear building up in me that the only thing keeping me going was the task of returning to his office over and over again, even if it was just to get a slow shake of the Professor's head, which meant there was still no news.

I finally got sick of pacing and sat down on his couch, pulling my legs up to my chest as I leaned into them, my head on my arm, my eyes tightly closed as I tried to focus on anything but the negative thoughts that were flowing through me. Telling myself that everything was going to be OK. No way could something happen to Scott. And Jean would never ever hurt him.

Dead Jean. Resurrected Jean. Survivor Jean. Unconscious Jean. Killer Jean? My mind suddenly obsessed with her as I tried to just get past the fact that she was actually _alive_. But how? Not that it truly mattered. It didn't change the fact that she was indeed back with the living.

The Professor sensed where some of my thoughts were dwelling as he spoke up softy from where he was sitting, in his wheelchair in front of his desk. His robe was now properly secured, the collar that had been up earlier, situated.. He seemed more tightly coiled then I could remember ever seeing him, but being Xavier, he handled it with up most decorum, stability and a calmness that actually seemed to radiate from him and seep into me, allowing me to somehow get through it all. But now that I think about it, I believe he was mentally sending off psi waves toward me that assisted in soothing me.

"Scott could still be alive, Jean loves him, I can't believe that she would intentionally harm him, let alone kill him." He said the words so quietly, his tone one of control and hope. What he said helped somewhat, I even unbent myself from the position I had been in, sat up a little straighter in the then too comfortable couch and thanked him with a small smile that managed to find it's way on my face.

I would be hours later when we finally got word. Waiting in the void of uncertainty and silence that was sometimes broken when the Professor tried to offer me comfort. We even had a couple "normal conversations" as he and I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, or maybe change the dismal atmosphere that had contained us both.

But then his radio that was attached to his chair went off. Two loud beeps that seemed more intense that an explosion at a nuclear plant. I _hated_ that thing. The little device that was no bigger than a clenched fist, that could if it so decided, make our world come crumbling down, just with a couple words, or a sentence that would echo out of it.

It was Ororo. They had found Jean who had still been out cold. After securing her in the jet they did a more extensive search.

But Scott was nowhere to be seen. No trace that he had even been there except for his soft scent that Logan had picked up that led them no where.

The Professor kept his eyes on me, when their words about not locating Scott drifted through the electrical device.

"Bring Jean home." Was all Xavier said, as he brought his self closer to me and took my hand into his, tightly holding it.

That's when my restraints broke and I started to sob uncontrollably, the Professor saying things that blurred into the sounds of my wracked body.

I have never cried so hard in my life. Finally I allowed myself to listen to the Professor as he tried to help me with his words, his voice getting caught in his throat a couple times as he too became overwhelmed from the dark possibilities that could surround Scott Summers and Jean Grey, two of his first students. People he considered the closest thing to a son and daughter he had ever had.

He finally left me behind to prepare for Jean's arrival. But first he woke up McCoy to help him get the Med Lab ready, and Jubilee to watch over and stay with me. Good thing he did that, no telling what I would have done at that point if I was left to my own devices. Even if Jubilee's abnormal quietness scared me senseless. Her attentiveness toward me, cautious and careful, yet loving and understanding.

It's getting hard to type through the blur in my eyes, the splitting headache and my shaking hands.

I can't anymore.

I won't.


	32. Tuesday September 7 2010

Well it's been about six days since I was able to actually sit in front of my computer and write about my life. Such as it is.

Things haven't been easy. Not that they are supposed to be, but sometimes it feels like I am taking the brunt of things, living in the eye of a hurricane as people around me continually get hurt and I can do nothing about it. Just trapped in the middle of it all.

I've been back to Alkali Lake twice now, once with Xavier and Storm, the second time with Jubilee and Logan. Xavier thinks we will have to limit our trips, there is now a F.O.H. base not too far away from the area, and we might be drawing too much unwanted attention from the wrong people...

The second trip I found Scott's jacket buried under rock and rubble, as the metal in it's zipper suddenly seemed to be calling out to me. I tried not to read anything into it as I clung to the item, wishing it would tell me what happened to it's owner. Jubilee ended up having to fly us back home, I couldn't stop shaking after I found the article of clothing, could barely function. Logan had to practically carry me off the jet when we arrived back at the mansion, since I had become frozen in my seat.

But believe it or not I was doing a little better then, my powers more usable, voices not so loud...

Probably helped that at that point (the second time) I was finally getting some sleep, thanks to some heavy sleeping pills McCoy finally prescribed... when I had had enough sleepless nights of feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in a my world of never ending disarray that was always present in my overcrowded and unrested mind.

He told me the pills were non habit forming, but it's only been a couple days and already I can't sleep without them, can't go to bed without downing two of the pink things, feeling the sedative take over as my eyelids become heavy, my thoughts slow down and my body becomes lax.

When I heard the news about Scott, my first response, or the way I wanted to respond, was to stay in my room till the world ended, or until they knew for sure, about his fate.. that was now so entangled in my own.

I actually did that for two days. Two days of people knocking on my door and getting no answer. Kitty at one point phasing into my room and leaving me some food, which made me angry as I opened my door for the first time in over 27 hours, shoved the perfectly shining sterling silver tray back into startled Kitty's hands and slammed the door in her face. She didn't bring me food again.

But then one morning I surprised everyone, including myself when I started up my Tai Chi classes again. It actually helped. Keeping busy was all I had.

One day after one of the classes, after the warm down stretches and the cool down session was complete, one of my favorite, and youngest students, a girl named Julia, came to me after all the others had left, a huge smile on her pretty face as she suddenly sprung on me and gave me an unexpected hug. Unexpected, since like me she wasn't a habitual toucher.. Her mutation, the ability to find diseases in any living thing and discern what it was from a precise description of the ailment. (She's too young to know technical terms or for that matter every affliction out there) She can also stop the disease, not cure it or reverse it, just prevent it from getting worse. The Professor believes that her power will grow and someday she might be able to do that as well. But thanks to her mutation, Julia is very shy and wary of people, especially when she sometimes finds out things about them that she doesn't want to know.

"I'm so glad you came back Roguey." She said, squeezing me one more time before letting me go. She is the only one that calls me that, but I can't bring myself to ask her to stop. Getting used to it anyway. "I miss Scott, I didn't want to miss you too." Her bright brown eyes looking at me as she frowned.

The eight year old left me alone outside. I sat down on the grass. I knew I was about to lose it... Control. That facsimile of calm that I tried to project, even if it was a lie. I haven't lost it as bad as I did that night with Xavier, but suddenly I felt it building up in me again.

But then Jubilee showed up, dragging me away for breakfast, and it was forgotten. Postponed. Jubilee, good old Jubilee. What would I do without her? Who knew that she could be so dependable, always keeping an eye on me, making sure I am not alone for long, making sure I leave my room, not allowing me to stay in it by myself anymore for too long.

She was with me the night Jean woke up. The very first night of the first day that I had finally left my room, three days after Jean had been brought back. She had been trying to keep me occupied by talking her head off. When Jubilee found I had nothing to offer as far as conversation, she sorta dwindled until she stopped altogether, turning the TV on, watching shows in silence as she read the closed caption. But she had soon fallen asleep and I had been left staring at the wall, lost in my mind as I sorta went blank. I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

It was going to end up a night the entire residents of the Xavier School for the gifted would remember for a very long time.

When Jean finally awoke she let out a mental scream that ripped through all the household occupants minds, leaving a headache or even a bloody nose in it's wake for those who had no mental shields.

I know now that I must, for I wasn't as affected as the others, although I heard it too, and felt everything that was behind the scream as it coursed through my head uninvited.

Guilt, Confusion, Hatred. Paranoia, and on a lesser note, one that was hardly noticeable.. fear.

I remember Jubilee waking up, grabbing her head and nearly falling off the bed where she had been lying by me, gasps leaving her mouth as if she couldn't breathe.

It was over before I made it to her side. I helped her sit up, noticing how frightened she looked, although that passed when she sprung off the bed and opened the door. Our ears suddenly bombarded with people screaming, crying and shouting, as everyone tried to figure out what was going on.

That night lasted forever, as the older residents tried to calm the younger students. I went with Jubilee, Bobby, Kitty and the others, but found myself more watching then offering any help.

Xavier explained what had happened, although everybody knew. Knew that was Jean. He had moved her to a more shielded area that was made out of the same metal as Magnetos helmet, and promised that it wouldn't happen again, then disappeared, probably to go back to Jean.

So realizing that Jean was awake I wanted to see her, OK I didn't _want_ to see her, I _needed_ to see her.

I asked the Professor the next morning if I could. But he denied my request. He didn't want Jean to have any, and I quote "distractions" at that time. He also told me, that as far as he could tell Jean had no memory from the point the water crashed over her until she woke up in the med lab almost two years later.

How convenient for her.

How unnerving and utterly non illuminating for me.

Not long after I asked after Jean, Xavier announced to everyone that him and McCoy were the only ones to see. Stifling any more requests in there tracks. I noticed Logan seemed angry about that, but as of today he hasn't tried to see her. Yet.

So another thing I have to dread.. seeing Jean again. Talking to her. I wish I could have gotten it over with.

The Professor has stopped our sessions for now, Jean taking up all his time. He let me know we would continue again soon. But it doesn't really matter, I couldn't deal with that right now anyway... so it's best put off...

Memories have been surfacing in me overtime lately. Thoughts of my family and others.

Going to my grandmothers house after church, fried chicken and fresh squeezed lemonade waiting for me, along with a warm hug and a just gotten fat black cat named Max that hated me, but who I would pet anyway, even when it hissed at me to stay away.

My father having excruciating pains in his arm, me driving him and my mother to the emergency room, where he got X-rays and some pain pills, but not very much help. Him going to see his Doctor the next day, who did a more through examination, finding he had a torn ligament in his shoulder and would need surgery.

My mother taking me shopping for a dress, since David had just asked me to the spring dance. Us stopping and eating afterwards, having a pleasant conversation that would be our last... I would never get a chance to wear that dress.

Meeting Jubilee for the first time, her spunky attitude and happy nature something I hated, especially when I found out I had to share a room with her.

Leaving my dog behind, when I had to leave home unexpectedly, a creature that I sometimes felt closer to than any of my family. I actually have thought of going back for her, but how would I do that without a confrontation with my parents? I don't want to deal with another argument, another heated word battle about what I am, and how they did love me.. but don't want me near them. Especially after what I ended up doing to David. Ok, maybe their words weren't so blunt and to the point but I can read between the lines.. Nothing like having parents that are actually scared of you...

And of course memories about Scott.

The first night he took me for a ride on his motorcycle, getting Chinese food afterwards and eating it on a wooden picnic table in a dark park, reading our fortune cookies and then him watching me as I got on a swing... him not joining me no matter how much I begged. My hair flying all around me, wind crashing against me as I swung back and forth, his gaze on me most acute as I did so. The drive home afterwards, him giving me his jacket to wear on the way back. The smell of leather, Scott, Chinese food and the dry humid air, something I can still recall.

I don't mind memories, especially when they are my own. They help me cope somewhat as I try to think about why I am where I am, and Why I am who I am...

I don't know what is in store for me.

I want to believe that everything will be ok, that nothing is as bad as I think. But wanting doesn't make things happen. Caring doesn't keep someone alive. And knowledge is not always power. In fact knowledge can have ill will piggybacking on it, the unknown made known, the unthinkable true, the facts unchangeable.

Why did Scott have to leave? I was talking to Jubilee about that this very morning, she isn't so cautious around me anymore, and has quickly become her blunt little self again.

She believes that he was trying to have closure, saying goodbye to Jean so that he could truly commit to me.

I myself think that his grief was coming back along with a guilt complex, about me.. about Jean. Not that I believe he regretted starting a relationship with me, more likely he was just confused. The dreams he was having, her seemingly calling out for him, which now when I think about it, might have actually been real.

Did he know that before he left?

Did he know that Jean would be waiting for him. That she was alive?

If he did, does that change things?

Did he lie to me because he thought I might stop him, or because he thought it would hurt me?

Deliberating on all that doesn't help. He loves me. I _know_ he does. If not by the way he acted toward me, than what I got from him as his thoughts spilled into me when my skin kicked in after a lingering touch.

But he loved Jean. Still does to a certain extent. His emotions regarding her suddenly woken up when the dreams started. But they were emotions of the past. As if another life. In another time. Especially now that he had me.

I'm glad I know that, glad that those things seeped into me when, before he left he kissed me, just long enough for me my mutation to kick in and for me to get that. It helps keep the doubts away, the questions regarding his feelings toward me pretty non existent. And it is as if a piece of him is with me. I actually wish he held on a little longer, maybe more of my questions could have been answered, maybe I could have realized what he was up to, where he was going and I could have prevented him, talked him out of it.

But I don't think he wanted me to.

And how does Jean feel about Scott? She must still love him... I hope she does! Then that love for him would have kept her from.. hurting him. No matter how confused the Professor said she was, no matter how chaotic her powers had been.

Please God let him be ok.

I need him.


	33. Thursday September 9 2010

Saw Jean today. It was entirely an accident. I had been searching for McCoy to get some more sleeping pills when I bumped into her in his office. She was sitting there, reading medical journals, her glasses on the edge of her nose, looking more normal than I expected her to be. Although she was skinnier than I remember, wearing simple jeans and a shirt that accentuated that, her hair really long, and such an unnatural color of red, that it made her skin look deathly pale.

Our first encounter didn't go like I planned, I expected yelling, fighting, a display of powers or at the very least a coldness between us that couldn't be melted, couldn't be done away with. But seeing Jean like that, more like her self than I wanted to, left me suddenly feeling daunted and a little bit of pity as I saw how wasted she looked, how exhausted she appeared, as if she had the weight of entire galaxys on her shoulders.

Being a telepath she noticed me before I could leave the room discreetly, although I don't think I wanted to. I _did _want to talk to her. Even if I was filled with dread out of what she might tell me.

Jean looked up from the article she had been reading, tilted her head to the side, examined me from behind the desk with a keen eye, and then offered me a small smile that threw me another curve ball that I couldn't catch.

"McCoy isn't here right now." She told me, her voice quiet and subdued.

I opened my mouth about to say something, or at least try to say something coherent when she interupted me.

"I know I am not supposed to be here," she started, not sounding the least bit guilty that she was. But I guess she felt a need to explain. "but the medical lab in the basement is even more dreary than this one, I needed a break. And it's about time I caught up on all the medical wonders and advances that have occurred.. since I was gone." Her voice was so cheerful, so .. upbeat, her words spoken as if no time had passed. No tragedy had befallen on her.. on me. On us. My thoughts drifting back in time as I remember how I used to go to the Medical Lab, finding her typing away busily on her computer, doing experiments with some thing or another, or reading as she was then. Jean would always stop what she was doing, making time for me. Never upset when I interrupted her. My relationship with her slowly evolving from a need for help into a friendship that I valued.

"How are y'feelin' Jean?" I asked, more friendly than I would have ever thought possible.

"Better.." She told me, giving me another warm smile, putting her hand out, motioning to a chair for me to sit in. I complied, even if I seemed to be moving in slow motion. "I haven't seen anyone around this place except Hank and Charles, it's nice to see a fresh face."

"Logan seemed most anxious t'see you." I said to her, thinking how Logan kept marching though the house with a determination that wouldn't be subdued until he saw her. Not that he had been stomping around like that lately, and I was smart enough to know what _that_ meant.

Jean scrunched her nose at that, took off her reading glasses and put them on the desk. Closing her eyes she let out a slow sigh.

"Logan." She paused, opening her eyes and looking at me. "I guess I have seen Logan." Her face lightened up with a warmness that I usually associated with what happened when Scott used to enter a room she was in. "He has been most attentive.. " She informed me, her words sounding like she was trying to imply something, or maybe trying not to.

She turned her penetrating eyes back on me, taking me in once more.

"I heard you have come into your own since I was gone, member of the X-men, a skillful fighter... more powerful." Jean seemed to dwell on the last word as her eyes lit up with a dark energy that passed so quickly that I started to believe I imagined it. "More beautiful too.. I can see why Scott was so fixated on you when I saw him last." Her words turned from calm to openly bitter so quickly that I felt my head spinning.

"Scott.. " I started, my thoughts fighting for dominance as I tried to pick the ones that were fortunate to be spoken out loud. From the moment I saw her I had been wanting to ask her, but I held back, fighting an internal battle within myself as the Professor's words stuck with me, about how fragile she was and so forth. But now that she had opened the door, I saw no reason to close it once again. "Did y'do somethin' t'Scott?" I asked, my voice wavering somewhat as anger and the need to know became too much to bear.

Jean abruptly jumped out her chair, a tangible energy seemingly flowing around her as she stared me down. I tensed slightly, sitting up straighter in my chair as I waited for her to do something. But then she took two deep breaths, the energy dissipated and she sat down again. The calm, in control Jean that I had come upon earlier present once more.

"I don't know." She whispered to me, "I remembered stepping out of the darkness, finding Scott, touching him, feeling him. Hearing some of his thoughts as he felt like he was betraying someone as he kissed me. Even if he wanted to be doing that more than breathing... And then I found myself here, back with Xavier, two years of my life gone, my powers more controllable, with no memory of what was, or what happened to me while I was gone."

I saw tears coming out of her eyes which she quickly wiped away.

"I wish I had an answer for you Rogue, if not for you sake.. then for mine."

I had nothing to say to that. Once again I felt a sadness toward Jean. Jean who I had always looked up to, even when I felt I was vying for Logan's attention when she was around. She was always more mindful around me, always so sympathetic and compassionate toward me. So helpful and kind. But what about this Jean? She was different. There was no doubt about that.

"I heard you are teaching Tai Chi." Jean said, desperately trying to change to subject.

I ignored the question. Looked at her glasses on the desk, McCoy's books that were stacked up near them, some open with notes in them.

"Do you sense him?" I boldly asked, knowing Scott had told me how they shared a telepathic bond.

She seemed slightly startled at the question. Her eyebrows furrowed and she eyed me quizzically, a frown appearing on her face, as other emotions fought for supremacy.. none of them good ones.

"No." Was the one anguished word she said, a word that nearly became strangled in her throat when she uttered it.

I sat there still and mindful of Jean and the small office I was in. Fighting back the wet pain that wanted to cascade down my face. But I wasn't going to cry. Not in front of _her_.

But then McCoy appeared, who quickly became disgruntled as he realized that I wasn't in his office alone. He found and gave me the pills I had come down there for in the first place, and then practically shooed me away. But I was just about to leave anyway, so there was no reason for him to make such a big deal out of it.

I could feel Jean's eyes on my back as I exited the room. Felt them digging into me as I walked away.

Our conversation was still drifting through me, as I wondered about everything we said. How she acted. What she did. What she said and what she didn't say.

I took a walk afterwards, pocketing my pills, not wanting to go back to my room to drop them off. Walking around the perfectly manicured lawn and garden as I shut all the voices off and just became numb.

But then inadvertently I had made my way to Jean's gravestone. I looked down at it. The world withering away and disappearing as I did so. I couldn't help but feel that it was mocking me, taunting me, chiding me to do something.

So I did.

I froze the offending object, feeling the cold leave my hands I watched and actually felt the thing becoming a solid mass of ice as I lowered the temperature even further. When I was done I observed the bitterly chilled object. Then, taking a couple steps forward, I acted on the madness that was in me. I kicked it. Even with it covered in a thick layer of ice it resisted me. So I kicked again and again.. and again. Until the thing shattered, becoming nothing more than ruble and icy particles underneath my foot.

When it was done and over with I felt better. Better than I had since Scott had left me. But that feeling only lasted a short while. Mere seconds. I barely felt the satisfaction build up in me, when I looked back down on the ground, the grave marker broken underneath me, one chunk large enough for me to see Jean's name engraved in it.

A mark that was supposed to be permanent. Signifying the end of life. Of existence. The dates of times passed, not continued.

You were supposed to be able to count on those thick slabs of stone, they told you when to grieve, when to cry, when to feel the loss of someone you loved.

But as they say. Nothing is written in stone. Nothing is permanent.

I wish I could feel something other than bitterness over Jean's refound life. Feel joy not sorrow.

But I can't shake the feeling that she brought something back with her.

Death.

And Hades can't be far behind.


	34. Wednesday September 22 2010

Here I am, in Scott's Mazda Rx-8, headset on my head, dictating to this device as it transfers my spoken words into written form on my computer.

I'm going to Canada. Driving more than I have ever before as I try to get up there, to find what, I don't know.

I guess I should start at the beginning, how all this came about.

My days have been so long and drawn out, days that have turned into weeks, weeks of inner turmoil and unanswered questions that stay with me no matter what I do, or what I try to tell myself.

But it's not as if my whole life has been shadowed, I have had good days, moments where everything wasn't choking me. Like the night Jubilee made me fried green tomatoes, she had never cooked anything for me before, in fact she had never cooked anything before.. ever, that I could recall. She brought them up to my room, with some ranch dressing and we ate them all up. I was surprised to find that they were actually good, which I told her, which led to her confessing that Ororo had helped her. But that didn't disregard the fact that she remembered that they were one of my favorite things... My mother used to make them, pulling the green tomatoes from her garden, humming away in the kitchen as she cut them up, battered them and fried them in butter.

So of course when I ate them I thought of my mom, which actually helped since it took my mind off other things.

But I am getting away from where I was going, I was just trying to prove for the record that I had been doing ok. If not Ok than at least trying to.

But then the next morning dawned, a day that will be with me for a long time. I had finished my morning class and afterwards had agreed that I would go out to breakfast with Ororo, Jubilee and Kitty. It took some convincing, especially since I never really eat breakfast and didn't want to go anywhere. But all of them used the "you need to get out of the house defense" which actually worked. I hadn't left the mansion much since that dreadful night. I guess it was a lucky thing that the anti mutant hatred has died down somewhat lately, so I haven't had to go on any missions.

I didn't do much talking over the course of the meal, but everyone else more than made up for it as they talked their heads off, being more animated then I was used to. I guess they were trying to make me feel better... Draw me out of the cocoon I had placed myself in.

When I got back was when things started.. and ended. Jubilee and I were heading up to my room, to talk, to watch T. V. or something else that would preoccupied us. And that is when I found the Professor waiting in front of my door.

The way he looked at me gave me unwanted premonitions.

I unlocked my door and invited him in. He tried to politely get rid of Jubilee but I told him it was ok if she stayed.

I sat on my bed, Jubilee remained standing, staring at the Professor as she waited for him to speak.

"Rogue," Xavier began, clearing his throat as he grabbed the arms on his wheelchair, squeezed tightly and then letting go. "I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you."

So he told me... He believed Scott to be dead.

"But y'said y'couldn't find out anythin' with Cerebro, nothin' conclusive." I argued, knowing that he had been using Cerebro every day since Jean came back, aiming it at Alkali Lake as he tried to find Scott.

"I still can't." He told me wearily, his words as if they were made out of cement, heavy and hard to handle. The Professor caught my eyes, I saw that his were bloodshot and red. He must have not gotten much sleep. "That isn't what leads me to this painful conclusion... Jean allowed me to do a deeper mind probe on her yesterday evening." He stopped for a second, took a couple slow breaths before starting up again. What he was telling me was definitely not easy for him. "It unfortunately showed things, things that she did... Jean believes that she killed him. I saw through her eyes, and I believe it to be true." By the time he finished, his last words were barely louder than a whisper. I wondered then if I was the first one he had to tell about Scott. I don't think Ororo knew, no, not with how calm she had been at the diner.

"But that's not all of it is it Professor?" I asked, realizing Jubilee had sat down beside me and had taken my hand into hers, I didn't even notice until she started squeezing it out of support.

No," he shook his head, "When Logan went to Alkali Lake the first time, he told us that he found Scott's scent.."

I nodded my head dazed, remembering that well.

"Well, he just told me this morning when I confronted and asked him about it, that the scent led to the edge of a cliff, that it ended there. And that he believes there might have been some kind of struggle."

"No!" I got off the bed, walked toward my window, looked out at the happy kids playing below and then turned back around to face the two. My panicked words directed at the Professor. "Why didn't Logan tell us this earlier?"

"He wasn't sure, he didn't want to bring it up, didn't want to cause any undo pain, he said the scent wasn't very pronounced, that he could have been mistaken. But know with what I saw in Jean, it looks like his intuition was right."

"Scott can't be dead!" I said, struggling with those four words as they spilled out of my mouth. "Y'thought Jean was dead! And she wasn't!"

Tears were coming out of my eyes, body shaking as I tried to assimilate everything I had been told. After I said that I crumbled down on the floor, Jubilee going down there with me, holding on to me as she said things I still don't recall. I heard the tightness in her voice though, and knew she was trying her upmost to remain strong for my sake, holding back all her emotions for a time, just so she could help me. I know she cares for Scott, heck everyone does... did. I just get so hung up on what I am feeling that I forget that sometimes. That I am not the only one suffering a loss. The only one that is in pain.

The Professor rolled over to me slowly, placing a hand on my head. I brought my face back up, looking upwards at him.

"How sure are y'Professor?"

His mouth took on a grim line, and through the haze that was now my eyes, I realized that a couple tears were falling down his face. Ones he hadn't been able to contain.

"More than I want to be."

I stood up slowly, wiped my face with my sleeve, shook Jubilee off of me slowly, and looked at the two, each one at a time.

"I want t'be alone." I said adamantly, not leaving any room to argue. Not that my decisive tone stopped Jubilee from trying.

"But Rogue, you shouldn't be at..." Her words were coming out sadder than any I had heard leave her lips before. I knew she wasn't far from crying and that when she walked out of the room she would be. Or if I let her stay with me, she would be then also. But I didn't want to deal with that. It would make the news that much more real, Scott's fate that much more true.

"Please Jubilee." I said resolutely. "I need t'be alone right now."

"Ok," she told me, after exchanging a worried look with the Professor. "but I'll come and check on you in a little while."

So they left me. The Professor's words pounded into my head again, repeating themselves over and over.

I started to feel sick, a horrible feeling making it's self known in my stomach. Heading to the bathroom just in time, I fell down on the cold hard tile, leaned over the toilet and threw up my breakfast. When I was done, when everything I had eaten was out of me and then some, I rolled up into a ball and started to weep.

It would be a long time before I left that bathroom. When I finally did I was cramped, woozy and my world was spinning slightly. I hadn't realized how much time had passed until I saw it was dark outside.

I may have felt horrible, both mentally and physically, but even through it all I knew what I needed to do. Go to Alkali Lake. Don't ask me why. Closure like Scott may have been seeking, maybe to find or see something I hadn't before. I just had to go there. Had to stand there again, where _he_ had been last.

So I started to pack after I brushed my teeth, washing the foul taste out of my mouth with cool mint toothpaste, wishing that all things could be as easy as that. I had just put my computer away in it's case, power adapter and extra battery along with it, when there was a knock on my door. I thought maybe it was Jubilee again, she had, I think knocked on it earlier.. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn't stop. It aggravated me enough, that I stopped what I was doing and opened my door.

"What do y'want Logan?" My tone sounding defeated and withdrawn, even to my own ears. He came in my room without me telling him he could, shut the door behind him and took everything in that was going on in my room.

"Going somewhere kid?"

"No just putting my things in these bags for the heck of it." I told him brashly while turning away from him, packing more things away, this time somewhat violently.

"Marie.." He said softly, placing a hand on my back and turning me around to face him. I looked up at him, his hazel eyes so warm and soft. Logan wrapped me in his arms, arms that I used to find so much comfort in, so much.. I almost said love. But that's not true. He doesn't love me.

And now nobody does.

But then I remembered, pushing him off me, I shoved him one more time for effect.

"Why didn't y'tell me Logan?"

He just stood there, watching me in that quiet manner of his as he decided on what to say.

"Because I didn't want to believe it was true."

I laughed caustically at that. A scary sound that was actually coming from me.

"Y'hated Scott!", I seethed, "and you're probably glad that he is gone! Now y'can have Jean! Bet y'wish y'lost Scott instead of Jean the first time, could have gotten it on with her that much sooner!"

My words that I had spoken, words that maybe I should have felt regret over speaking but didn't, left Logan with his jaw clenched tightly, his shoulders rising, and a glare directed at me that should have ripped me apart from the inside.

"You don't know what you are saying." Logan grated, grabbing my right arm, clinging onto it tightly as he actually hurt me. "I may not have liked Scott, but I did respect him... and I don't respect many. And as for Jean.. well that's not something we need to talk about right now."

It wasn't his somewhat harsh words he had spoken that suddenly made my depression more pronounced, or the way he had spoken Jean's name, it was the way he talked about Scott in the past tense, yes that was it. That's all it took for me to start crying again.

"Did respect him?" I choked out, suddenly filled with animosity. I tore my hand out of Logan's and started hitting him on the chest, pounding my fists against him. "Did?" I half shouted, everything twirling around me. He grabbed my hands, stopping me from hitting him again. I thought out of anger, but when I lifted my head up, all I saw from him was understanding mixed with tenderness. Logan took me into his embrace again, holding me even more tightly against him then before as I sobbed into his shirt. Screaming in his chest as Scott's death loomed in the air. Not believing what I heard was true. It didn't _feel_ like Scott was dead. He couldn't be! It just couldn't be true. Life without Scott? There was so many things I didn't tell him, so much we never did together.

And I never told him that I .. that I...

But I am drifting again.

I don't know how long Logan held me. Time wasn't relevant, all I knew then is that I felt closer to Logan than I had in a long time. And that feeling couldn't have come at a worse time. I didn't want to feel warmth toward another human being at that moment. I wanted to feel emptiness and apathetic. I wanted my heart to harden, never to beat again.

I wanted to die.

He let go of me minutes after I calmed down a little. Like a robot I started to pack again not stopping until I had everything I needed. Logan sat down as his worried gaze followed me in my every action.

"Going to Canada?" He questioned knowingly. I nodded my head slowly, not at all surprised that he knew where I was headed. I waited for him to talk me out of it, but instead Logan just frowned, stood up and pulled his wallet out his back pocket. Taking a wad of cash out of it he approached me slowly.

"Take this." He told me firmly.

I shook my head, but he pulled out my right hand, unbent my fingers that had been clenched, turned it around and thrust the money onto my open palm. I thought he was going to leave but instead he stood still over me, he had something to tell me.

Logan finally started to speak. His voice low and warm full of obvious care.

"You know you can count on my for anything Marie, I may not have been there for you like I should have been... But if you ever get in a fix, need money, or even someone to talk to." I must have made a face at that, for he actually laughed shortly at my expression. "I will be there for you...Take care of yourself Marie. I don't want anything to happen to you."

And he parted from me, but not before kissing me softly on my forehead, and then dragging his fingers gently down through my hair, holding on to the ends of a strand for a couple long seconds before letting it go.

I sat down on my couch for a couple of very long minutes, trying to gain a momentum of composure before I headed down to Xavier. Yes, I could have left him a note. But, I felt the need to tell him in person. I owed him that.

Taking a couple deep breaths in and out, I headed downstairs.

I found the Professor's office door slightly ajar, Hank and Xavier were talking about something but stopped after I knocked softly.

McCoy got up of the chair he was sitting in, exchange a nod of the head with Xavier and left the room. But not before placing a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it softly, and uttering a couple words to me. I guess the Professor had told the others. But I had already known by the too quiet and still house that I had walked through to get to his office, that was more than enough of a testament to that fact by itself.

Xavier motioned me to sit down, but I didn't want to, for some reason I believed if I did I might lose it again, and I didn't want to. I had things I had to say.

"You're leaving." Xavier told me, coming out from behind his desk stopping three feet short of me. If he wasn't a telepath I would be sorta unnerved by the fact that he knew. Or maybe he just saw that in the way I carried myself.

"Yes, I wanted t'let you know, I... I won't be able t'do my classes for a while."

He frowned slightly at that. "Maybe you should wait a few days.. at least get a nights sleep and start in the morning.. you shouldn't leave with all this emotional build up inside you, we can help you Rogue, be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone." Xavier paused for a couple long moments, looking at me carefully. He must have seen the resolve in me because he didn't press it. "Xing has already offered to take up your classes for a while." He relented, sagging in his chair somewhat as he let out a long breath.

I just stood there, biting my lip trying to get the courage to open my mouth. Ask what I needed to.

Xavier looked back up at me, his eyes slightly narrowing. "You have something to ask me?"

I pushed down my trepidation and let the horrible question jump out of my mouth.

"Does Jean know that she killed.. that she.."

"Yes, I could have hidden that from her, but that would have been unethical and I believe she needed to know."

"What are y'going t'do with her?"

"Try to help her."

"And if y'can't?"

He averted his eyes away from me, looking at the fire that was flickering in the hearth. He turned back toward me after what seemed an eternity, melancholy written on his features.

"I don't know." He told me, his words lined with so much truth that the respect I hold for him seemed well founded.

Xavier went back to his desk, came back and handed me a small bundle. What looked like a phone, credit cards and other items. Telling me I was welcome to any vehicle in the garage. Letting me know in a subtle way that I was not to try to sneak away in one of the jets. Not that I had been planning to. I remembered his earlier warning about the nearby Friends of Humanity base, and the need for us not to draw their unneeded attention.

I had an intense desire to kiss that man on the cheek, to show him how much I appreciated him and everything he had done for me. Especially since I suddenly had the feeling I might not see him again for a very long time. So I did. Very quickly, without my skin kicking in. Xavier's eyes lit up when I did so, an almost visible smile tugging on the corners of his mouth.

"I hope you find what you're looking for Rogue and that you know that while you are gone you'll be very much missed." His words were heavy hearted and full of sorrow. The smile that had started abruptly disappearing under a look of strain that made him appear older than I had ever seen him.

I left him behind after that, somewhat regretfully. Watched as I walked away, Xavier go back to staring at the crackling fire...

I had seen Jean off and on for that past week before I left. She finally graduated from the med lab to getting her old room back after McCoy gave her a clean bill of health. Many were pleased to see her, some downright ecstatic. I just watched her from afar, she _seemed_ alright. Laughing, carrying on conversations. But every once and a while I would pick up something, a glint in the eye, a sudden burst of raw fury that she tried to hide. I know I wasn't the only one that noticed, but she had been through something, part of her memory gone, years missing, Scott's fate unknown and her maybe somehow entangled in it all.. So of course she wasn't expected to be.. her old self.

I avoided her when possible, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do that forever. It may be a huge mansion, but spaces were starting to feel confined, especially when I was in the same room with her. Not that we didn't get along, we exchanged words, talked here and there. But never about Scott, and never about anything detrimental. It was almost as if we were two actresses playing roles, acting parts as we were cordial to one another, a niceness that was more forced than not. And I saw the way Jean stared at me when she thought I wasn't looking. But who could blame her? If I was in her position I know I would be looking at me like that too.

But now what would become of her? Would they would let her continue living among the others? With kids?

Not that it is my problem. Xavier will handle it, I have confidence in that...

So I left The Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters after saying goodbye to Jubilee, who tried to come along.

"No Jubilee I have t'do this on my own."

She seemed to understand. Or at least try to. Not comprehending why I had to leave right away. The same day I was told. She believed I wasn't giving myself adequate time to grieve. That I wasn't thinking things through clearly.

Grieve.

Yes I had started to, Yes I still am. Even if I have a hard time believing that Scott is gone, and that he is never coming back... But some things just have to be done right away. Can't be put off no matter what you are going through. And going to Alkali Lake is one of those things.

"Call me when y'get there." She told me forcefully, her words not coming out as demanding as I think she meant them to be, since it seemed she was trying her hardest not to cry. She took me into a fierce hug, holding onto me desperately. When she let go of me, I saw she had lost the battle, because her face was wet. Tears had fallen.

I promised her that I would, the way she looked at me when I left still haunting me.

Making my way to the garage without bumping into anyone else, I picked out a car.

Scott's. I didn't think he would mind. And knowing that it was his, instead of sending me to a realm of delirium, helped me keep my emotions in check. My purpose clear.

So here I am driving, continuing on my path. With this GPS system installed I could go to Mars and back and not get lost. So where I am heading will be no problem.

Two days I have been driving thus far. I am a robot named Rogue, who is denying her inner turmoil for a time. Focusing on getting to Canada, finding what she doesn't know.

Someone wake me from this nightmare.


	35. Tuesday October 5 2010

It's been a while. I broke my dictating device, threw it and damaged it when I got angry, upset while I was trying to say more, but suddenly couldn't. Not that that alone had kept me from writing anything.

It began when everything suddenly came together, for once I saw things clearly, with such intensity that it could have been considered a word directly from God, a revelation straight from my inner self that sent me reeling.

I was in love with Scott. More than that _I loved him_. More than I have ever loved anyone or ever thought myself capable of. But when I figured that out, I realize that I should have fought that with everything I was, ran away from it when it started to catch up with me.

And what is my first thought on love? That I have never felt something so painful in my life.

I am broken. A broken little Rogue. Who's becoming as plastic as the skin on the toy itself. Molded into something else as she pushes away the turmoil and denies everything with such intensity that it almost seems unreal.

I've been in Canada longer than I intended to be, longer than I meant.

When I first arrived I stopped at a town, a new town that I had seen being built when we flew over it those years ago before Alkali lake's dam burst forth its spewing waters. Everything was complete, looking so new, so clean. I checked into the only hotel, a small bed and breakfast that was modeled after an old Victorian home, and for the next two days I slept.

It took me over three days to get there. I slept here and there at different rest stops, but in between I kept my foot on the gas pedal, driving as fast as the speed limit would allow, as my desperation to get to Canada overwhelmed everything else I was feeling to a point of absolute obsession. I drank more caffeine than ever before, even started drinking coffee for the first time in my life, when the soda and caffeine pills alone weren't enough to make me stay awake nor work as well as the hours ticked by.

When I awoke I found myself in strange surroundings, in a room that wasn't my own, not even in the same country. Oh how things can change so quickly.

I took a long hot shower, hoping the heat would drive away my thoughts and feelings. Afterwards I found myself talking to my reflection in the mirror as I slowly brushed my hair, telling myself I had things to do and it wasn't the time to lose it or to cry.

I went for a walk. It was busier in the streets that in was when I had first arrived. It was early morning, shops were open, people milling about and some talking to one another. If I was doing better I would have really liked the place, so peaceful and quaint. It almost reminded me of an old western town, the way the buildings were sorta interlocked together on each side, the street in the middle. I almost expected to pass a corral on the way out of it.

After I left the town, I ambled by some homes that were spread out along my route until I was surrounded by nothing but the wilderness and wide open spaces. I relaxed a little, yet at the same time my pace became slower the closer I came to my destination.

But then I got fed up, doing something a little different, I lifted off the ground, flying over the outer walls of Alkali and landing a couple yards away from where I was headed. I walked to the edge of the cliff, the place where everything must have taken place. I didn't see anything that would betray that something had gone on, everything seemed in place, everything in order. Just like it had been the other two times. Nothing smelled different either, thanks to Logan's borrowed heightened senses I knew that. Just smelled water, grass, even the wind that was clashing against me that brought with it some very cold air.

But not much of anything else. I took a couple more steps, all the way to the edge. Looking down to the far bottom I saw huge rocks along with pebbles that made up a path that I had already walked on before. I knew that a little ways away from where I was standing was an area safe enough to travel down to get there. But I didn't move. Water was splashing against the bank. Crashing into the land, touching the small shore and then breaking up back in it's self. It was actually quite mesmerizing, a scene from a nature film, everything so earthy and untouched by man, that is if I didn't angle my head to the left where remnants of the crushed base were.

My still watchfulness was interrupted when the area underneath my feet started to crumble and I began to fall. I didn't even have time to react before someone caught my arm from behind.

I vaguely knew someone else was nearby, I just didn't know they were so close, let alone right behind me. But while I might have been there, I was very far away.

I turned around to look at my would be rescuer, although I was perfectly alright, I could have just flown, but the person who grabbed onto me didn't know that.

I had to stop myself from looking alarmed or doing anything aggressive when I saw who was behind me, now in front of me.

"You Ok?" A worried looking guy said, who was relatively young, had brown hair tucked under a hat. An open earnest face and wearing a uniform that was peeking out of his slightly open coat. One I hated above all others. _The Friends of Humanity._ How could I have been so careless? Was I so far gone that anyone, let alone _his_ kind could just sneak up on me? I was going to have to be more heedful, no matter what I was going through.

I didn't say anything, just scrutinized him. He looked friendly enough, even with him eyeing me cautiously.

"You really shouldn't be here, it's dangerous." he chided me, looking past me at where I had been.

I almost laughed at that. Dangerous? He had no idea.

"Thanks but I can watch out for myself." I shot out in rather a huff, detaching myself from his clinging hands.

"Yeah like falling down to your death?"

"I wouldn't have fallen, I was fine." I bickered, not liking the idea that the guy thought he had actually saved me.

"Sure whatever you say," he said, actually grinning at me. "I suppose you can fly or something."

He got a small smile out of me from that comment.

"You'd be surprised." I told him, not caring what he got out of my words.

He looked me over again, from my boots, past the worn leather jacket I was wearing of Scott's, back up into my face.

"You live around here?" He questioned me, very cordially, his tone so pleasant that it almost made me forget that he was a wanna be Nazi, and that I was his prey.

I narrowed my eyes at him and started to walk away. He came from behind me and grabbed my arm, I whipped it away from him, spun around and glared at him.

"I don't like t'be touched!" I spat out, practically snarling at the guy, my voice taking on the sound of a roaring tiger that was ready to pounce.

"I don't like people evading my questions... " He said sharply. Standing up a little straighter as if he wanted to show off the lines of his uniform better. Even if it was mostly covered by a long heavy coat. "How did you get here anyway?.. I didn't see any vehicles outside... and what where you looking for?"

I sighed loudly. Fed up with the whole situation. I didn't go all the way to Canada to explain myself to a self proclaimed fanatic.

"What are y'going t'do?" I barked, shaking my head wildly. "Turn me in if I don't answer your questions? I don't have t'tell y'anythin', especially not one of your bigoted kind."

I seemed to have thrown him for a loop with my words, as he suddenly became puzzled, looking down at his uniform as if he noticed it for the first time.

"I'm off duty." He finally relented.

"Oh yeah, like your people are really ever off duty.. " I shot back at him, not knowing why I was giving him the time a day. I think it was his eyes though, they were kind eyes, compassionate eyes, not at all going with what he supposedly stood for. I was about to walk away from him again when he started to speak, his words halting me before I even took my first step.

"I joined the Friends of Humanity after my sister was killed, when a mutant escaped from prison a couple years ago. So yeah, I guess as you say.. I am always on duty, trying to make sure nothing like that happens again." His speech was a bitter one, his face becoming mangled in a scowl.

"I've always wondered what kind of person it took t'join your sort of group... it seems like revenge is a must... Why are y'tellin' me this anyway?" I don't think my bitter response was the one he expected. I think he believed I would feel sympathy, maybe a little understanding, but at that moment I was fresh out of both. Heck, he wanted to talk to someone he should see a psychiatrist.

"Because of the way you are looking at me. With hatred.. are you the bigot or am I? Why do you dislike me so?" He returned my brusque indifference by becoming rather curt, his words simmering with animosity, but not as much as I had been expecting.

I stared at the guy. He had his head tilted to the side, his eyes locked with mine. I heard his heart beat up a little faster with my overworked ears, and suddenly realized something. Something I didn't care to know. I shut the Logan in me off, my super senses taking a backseat as they slowly faded, leaving me in a sudden wall of mediocre normalcy.

"No," I told him, actually answering one of his previous questions, while sidestepping what he had just asked me. "I don't live around here."

He took a couple steps toward me, I backed away slowly, the clothes and insignia he was wearing all I saw. He frowned at my actions, stopped and started speaking again.

"You are looking for something though am I right?"

"What are y'goin' t'do if I tell you?" I asked, my trust factor something I didn't trifle with.

"Help you if I can."

"Why! Y'don't know me, I don't know you!"

"I would like to get to know you, there aren't many people around here my age, in fact, your one of the first girls I've seen that wasn't over thirty." He started grinning at me again, something that was slowly becoming obnoxious.

"I told y'I don't live around here, and I am definitely not goin' to be here long enough to make friends! Especially not with people who belong t'_that _organization!" I looked pointedly at his patches on the side of his coat that bared the F.O.H. symbol. I could also feel the presence of a metal object on the right side of his upper chest. He was armed. But I had known that from the beginning.

Oh Yeah, just the kind of person I wanted to get to know. Hah.

"It's the uniform isn't it?" He inquired, watching me closely. There was slight humor in his words underlined with what seemed confusion and more than enough curiosity.

"It's what it stands for."

"And what does it stand for?"

"Everythin' evil and horrible in this world. Everythin' wrong and vile."

He seemed to think over what I said. Becoming almost lost in a way, as is something was being played back in his head. A memory perhaps. I didn't let that go on for too long though as I opened my mouth, a question of my own spewing forth.

"What are y'doing here?" I asked, suddenly wanting to know how he had just happened to come upon me.

"I always walk through here before I start my job." He replied, slightly indifferent, coming back from wherever his mind had been leading him.

"Before y'start terrorizin' and tormentin' people.. I suppose it helps make your job easier."

"No. " He told me, as he actually had the gall to laugh some, not taking my words serious. He pushed down his sleeve and looked at his watch. "Speaking of which.. I need to go." He looked rather disappointed as he took to regarding me again, his eyes lingering on my discolored strips of hair.

"Then go." I said, more than happy for the fact that he was finally going to leave me alone.

He took a couple steps and then turned back around.

"I'm Andrew by the way." He offered me a small smile, which I returned with a blank stare.

He waited for me to tell him my name, but instead I said nothing, dismissing him as I rotated around and faced the water again.

Andrew finally left, he seemed slightly hesitant as if he didn't want to, but I finally heard his footfall leading away from me.

When I was finally alone, confidant in that fact I went back to looking down at the area below once more. Wondering what it would be like if I just let myself fall, hitting the water, crashing against the cold harsh substance as it swallowed me whole.

But then I felt somewhat antsy, deciding walking was too slow I once again took to the air. Flying past everything so fast that the wind whipped against my face and eyes, causing them both to sting as they begged me to stop or at the very least slow down. But I did neither, in fact I just went faster.

I landed on the outskirts of the town and started back to my hotel room. My stomach was grumbling but I ignored it. It became more insistent when I picked up the whiffs of what smelled like fresh bread baking, but I still did nothing.

I drifted through the town, taking in the shops, buildings and my surroundings. I really did like the place. Even if the people were overly curious, many saying hello to me and offering me smiles that I found I couldn't return, nor care that I didn't.

Passing a bar, for the first time in my life I felt tempted to go in. Order something that would sting on the way down my throat and make me impervious to the dark ponderings in my head until I blacked out.

But I didn't.

Just wandered back to my room, getting another friendly greeting from the elderly woman who owned the place and went back to my room.

I didn't find comfort there. Although I saw that my room had been cleaned. I had forgotten to put up the do not disturb sign. A note had been left on the desk in front of my window, letting me know if I wanted the complimentary breakfast that it would be available till 10 A.M. I knew it was a really good meal if what the couple in front of me said while I had been waiting to check in was true. But I still wasn't going down. Even with the Erik in me arguing about not getting the full value out of my money spent, and Logan telling me I needed to eat more before I wasted away to nothing... I had hardly eaten anything in three days. A candy bar here and there when my stomach became overly aggressive, but nothing I enjoyed.

Going toward the bed I took my shoes off and crashed on it. Melting into the comfortable mattress that conformed to my body

I didn't care that the blinds had been opened and light was drifting through, didn't care that my fan was on over head and that it was overly cold in the room.

I just laid there, staring at the ceiling. Wondering if the F.O.H. was going to come for me, because at least it would give me something else to concentrate on as I caused someone besides myself pain. I started imagining ways of doing such. With my powers, without. Either way it would bring me some pleasure as I pounded my frustrations into the small-minded fools.

But nobody ever came, I actually felt disappointed. But it wasn't if the Andrew character knew I was a mutant. Or that even from what I said he could really gage that I was one. I'm sure not all non-mutants are tolerant of those sort of groups.

So I kept my eyes upward, watched as slowly by slowly the shadow on the ceiling drifted over and over until it completely disappeared. Until I was left in the dark.

Wide awake, dreadfully still as I did nothing, just felt time pass me by as I brooded about way too many things.

But then I realized I never called Jubilee, never called anyone. They would be worried about me, and I guess I didn't want them to.

So I went to the bag Xavier had given me, pulled out the expensive phone that worked no matter where you were, and would get through to New York or even Japan if I wanted, and called Jubilee. Or so I thought I did.

For when Bobby answered the phone I knew I had called the wrong number.

"Hello?" He repeated again since I never answered the first time.

I must have called the main line instead of her room, the numbers were only off by a couple digits.

"Bobby? I meant t'call Jubilee.. is she there?"

"Rogue.." He said my name with hesitancy mixed with obvious relief. "You Ok? You don't sound so good."

I bypassed his question.

"Is Jubilee there?"

"No, she went out with Ororo, she won't be back until later." His words became extra cautious, and I noticed how he didn't say where they had gone.

So I asked him.

There was a long drawn out silence on the other end, I could almost see him gripping the phone, trying to figure out what to tell me.

"Bobby?"

"They went to go make funeral arrangements." He finally spurted out, his voice one of remorse.

It was my turn to say nothing as I suddenly became speechless. I almost dropped the phone too and it was a good thing I was sitting down because suddenly I felt weak.

"Rogue? You there? Rogue?... Rogue?"

"Tell Jubilee I made it here Ok and that I'll call back soon."

I took the phone away from my face, hearing Bobby calling my name over an over until I pressed the button that turned him off.

It started ringing almost immediately after I did that. I knew it was him, anxious about me. But I didn't answer it. When it didn't stop, when the ringing kept going on and on, only a couple minutes of silence between each of his tries to reach me, I shut the thing off completely. Pulled the battery out and placed the items back in my bag. If I didn't he could have called forever, the phone had a battery that lasted years, and no minute restrictions on it whatsoever .

I turned the TV on after that, found an old classic with Bette Davis on it and tried to become interested in the movie. But I couldn't seem to concentrate. Nor Sleep.

It was a very long night..

So a couple more days passed and then a week. I didn't go back to Alkali Lake, dreading meeting Andrew again. Not that that was the only reason. For the most part I stayed in the vicinity near my hotel, although I was becoming prone to long walks, sometimes even long flights, as I took to the sky, senses at alert as I made sure no one was around me witnessing anything as I engrossed myself in the breathtaking feat that I myself was actually performing.

I have talked to Jubilee twice now, probably would have talked to her more if I had given her my hotel room number, or turned my cell phone back on. But I am not ready to do that... We had short conversations that made her start crying and me cold and reticent.

Not to say that I haven't cried since I got here, that would be a lie. A very big one. It seems like that is all I do. I'm learning the different facets of crying. Angry crying, bitter crying, sorrowful crying. Regretful crying...

Jubilee wants me to come back. But I can't, not yet anyway.

But I am running out of money. Even with what Logan gave me and what I myself brought, I have only enough to stay here for about another week. And that doesn't include the expense it would take me to get home.

I do have credit cards, but don't want to use them. And could sell my computer, but at the moment it's my only outlet.

So I am kinda stuck. In Canada of all places. Not that it's the worst place in the world. I'm going to have to figure something out though.

But not today..


	36. Saturday November 6 2010

So I didn't go to Scott's funeral. It wasn't the fact that I couldn't. It was more of that I was holding onto some strange hope, and going to such a finalizing ceremony, hearing the mournful dialogue of some and the sympathetic speeches and gestures of others, some that would probably be aimed at me, would be the end of that little piece of belief, and I couldn't do away with it. I wouldn't.

Jubilee was somewhat disappointed it me. Maybe I myself was disappointed in me, maybe the whole dang mansion was disappointed in me.

But that means nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I am still in Canada, haven't left. Maybe I would have gone home if Kurt came like he promised, but unfortunately I got an long e-mail from him letting me know that his planned trip and been postpone for a while. There has been an outbreak of anti-mutant riots and other violent things happening where he lives.

Believe it or not a whole month has passed since the last time I wrote. I'm doing better emotionally, sure I have a lot of rough days, but I persevere and manage to get through them.

I have a job. My first real one ever. It came about when I was talking to Darla... the grand motherly woman who owns the bed and breakfast. She had brought me some food one day, and wouldn't leave until I opened the door and let her in. Then she stood and watched me until I slowly started to eat what tasted like a chicken salad sandwich. And then she started to talk. I said nothing. I was weak from not eating much, so tired and my brain fuzzy. But her voice was so calming and before I knew it I had eaten everything on the tray, becoming ravenous in the middle of it as I nearly stuffed everything in my mouth. She took the tray from me, gave me a small smile and told me her name.

"Don't worry honey, I'm sure things will get better. " was that last thing she told me before she left the room, closing the door behind me. Not even knowing what I was dealing with, but she was obviously observant and sympathetic, and knew something was troubling me.

That was over three weeks ago. Slowly by slowly I started to talk to her too, telling her things, but not too much. Telling her about Scott and Jubilee, Logan and even Hank, Xavier and others.

Before I knew it I was reviving, the world was coming out of the dim harsh place it had been going, and the sun was starting to show once more, and although it wasn't bright and vibrant, I did feel it's warmth.

So much for dying.

I keep saying I am alone, nobody cares.. but then like with Logan, suddenly somebody is there to help me.

So it was the day that I went down to pay Darla, let her now that I would be checking out in the morning, when she made the suggestion.

I didn't know where I was going to be going, but it ended up I didn't have to think about that for long.

"Are you going home Rogue?" I remember when I had checked in and told her my name, she had crinkled her nose, looked at me somewhat curiously, but for the most part it didn't faze her. Not that Rogue is the strangest name in the world or anything, although I suppose it is unique.

"I.. I don't know." I told her, my voice sounding somewhat hesitant, since that is how I felt, a bag slung across my shoulder, my computer and some clothes bundled up in their cases on the floor in front of my feet.

"Are you.. " she stopped for a second, trying to think of the right way to word whatever she wanted to say. "If you don't have any money, don't worry about it.. stay till you decide what you want to do."

My eyes started to become moist at her sudden kindness.

"You've been so nice t'me, but I couldn't take advantage of you."

"Nonsense!" she snorted, coming out from behind the counter and squeezing my right arm gently. "I enjoy having you here.. you're a sweet child Rogue, even if you are rather quiet."

I suppose I have spent some time with Darla, especially then. Between the phone calls home and to Germany, the pleadings from a few to leave, the quiet yet emotional conversations that were better left unspoken ... it was nice to have someone outside of all that to converse with that wasn't involved in that other life and that knew nothing of it, nor pry to try to. She was such a mothering figure, treating me like less like a customer and more like a granddaughter as the days and then weeks passed, even after I left the hotel.. but I'll get to that later... She tried to make sure I ate, brought cookies to me.. Reminding me of my grandmother as she stroked a cat named Felix on her lap, a creature that had the run of the place, which only added a more homely type of feel to the hotel.

So somehow our conversation drifted to her telling me what jobs were available locally. I would shake my head, bite my lip and even darkly chuckle at some of her suggestions. The getting a job thing alone a preposterous enough idea all by itself that her naming off one thing after another was almost humorous.

"There is a job at Demsky's bank up the street," she told me but then she looked rather disappointed, then started fidgeting with her reading glasses that were hanging on a long gold chain. "But.. they are looking for someone who speaks fluent french.." She looked at me and half frowned. "Don't suppose you speak French?"

At that point in the conversation we had drifted to the breakfast room and sat down at a table, she had been getting up through it all, getting the morning food ready as she placed some of it on a plate bringing it to the table for me. While I still wasn't eating much, she already knew me well enough to have brought me a small piece of quiche on a plate with a tall glass of orange juice.

"Actually I do." I said, my eyes slightly closed as I thought of how Gambit had made me touch him, forcing such horrible memories, habits and emotions into my overcrowded mind. But at that moment, for one of the very first times, I was actually glad.

But what was I happy about? Did I really think I was going to apply for a job? Me? I suppose if I had to, applying for a secretarial position at a bank was far better than a waitress at Alma's Cafe up the street. Yes, much better.

And I didn't want to leave. Canada was becoming a place I liked, even if some of the locals looked at me like I was a purple alien with four heads. I know they get tourists, but I guess not someone who has stayed as long as I have, a person that they know nothing about, living in their small town. Guess they are somewhat suspicious of me, but I would be too. Although they don't look really at me like that anymore.. Not in a while anyway.

Where was I? There is so much to write about that I wish I had written sooner, then there wouldn't be so much to tell.

Oh, so she was duly shocked that a obvious southerner like me, could speak french, and told me about the bank and other details. She then left me behind to ponder, as more people drifted into the breakfast room, occupying her attention. They way she hovers around people, you can just see that she loves being around others, helping them, caring for them.

She came back a minute later, giving me back the key to my room before going to help a pretty blond get a high chair for her baby.

I left the room, my plate empty as was my drinking glass. Sometimes it's hard to drink orange juice, eat certain things, or even be outside when it's raining. But I push those things down inside me, take a couple steps or bites or whatever the occasion calls for and force myself to get past it.

It's hard.

So I went back up to my room, not knowing if I was making the right decision. But Darla was so nice to me, knew what I was going through since she lost her son not even a year ago to cancer, and her husband just months before that to a car accident.

She told me how she coped, thought about what her son and husband would want her to do. Continue her life, remember them.. but live on.

But I've never really experienced death before, have never lost someone that I loved. And I know that if I go back to New York, there will be more. More of that. More deaths, more struggles, more clashing against the tide as I try to help bring Xavier's goals to fruition. But do they need me? What's one person? What difference can I make? Especially now. So many self doubts, criticizing and utter lack of faith in myself and maybe even others.

The next day I found myself up early, still fighting within myself about what I needed to do... If it was time for me to leave. But soon I was walking along the street, the snow crunching under my boots, a light breeze kicking against me, and then I was standing in front of the bank. Looking at some ads in the window and a small one on the right left corner. That said.

**Help wanted. Apply within.**

It was the largest building on the entire street, a looming large thing, the most corporate looking construction on the whole block, yet that simple sign made it seem less threatening.

I walked inside. There wasn't much activity going on. I saw offices to the left, some electronic bank devices and some TV's in the front where people would talk to tellers over video. That invention alone probably saved a lot of money and prevented robberies. Although the scary part in me, that part I like to keep buried, whether Mike, Gambit or others, found seven ways to circumvent that before I shut those musings in me off.

I went over to the offices, one of the doors was open that was marked Savings and Loans. An older man was looking over something on his computer. I knocked softly on the door. He acknowledged me, his look letting me know that he was wondering what I wanted, and if it was going to take long.

"Can I help you?" He asked me, taking in my casual appearance of jeans, jacket, and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. Nobody around her thinks its that strange that I wear gloves all the time so I don't get too many prolonged stares directed at my hands.

"Yes, um.. " Suddenly my words were hard to get out as it dawned on me what I was doing there.

The man tilted his head to the side, waiting for me to open my mouth and say something, more patiently then I would have been.

"I'm here t'apply for the job.. the secretarial position." I managed to finally say. Almost panicking at that point, wondering if it was too late to make a mad dash for the exit.

The man gave me a very short smile, looked back at his computer, his attention fully focused on that once more.. He brought his hand back behind him, his thumb pointing in that direction.

"See Harold at the end of the hall."

So I found myself making my way down the artificially lighted path. It wasn't a long one and before I could even debate once more with the arguing voices in my head I had reached my destination.

Harold Demsky Bank Manager. Come to think of it wasn't the town called Demsky?

Darla had never told me that the position was for the actual manager. Maybe it hadn't crossed her mind. _No way_ was the actual manager going to want me for his secretary.

So I never knocked. Just stood there and then turned around. Didn't even get three feet before I heard the door behind me open and a voice call out to me.

"Can I help you miss?" A congenial man said, I faced the voice, found the owner easily enough. The only one in the hallway besides me, the one standing in front of the open door, with a crisp business suit on and an expensive looking cell phone in his hand, a mug of steaming coffee in the other. He wasn't as menacing as I had originally imagined, reminded me of those kindly older uncles that some people have, mouth and chin outlined with a well manicured beard, a playful manner hidden underneath his well bred professionalism.

I almost said I was just looking for the bathroom, but before I could he started speaking one more.

"You here to apply for the job?"

"Job?" I echoed back.

"The Teller job."

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. What was I thinking? He didn't even consider me for the job I was there for, automatically put me down as a teller girl.

"No... I was wonderin' if y'still have the secretarial position available?" I was so relieved when I finally got those words out, yet nervous. Although I could see he didn't have the job filled. I had passed an empty desk with dust on it that was actually right behind me where I had been standing at the moment, and looking back over my right shoulder quickly, I confirmed once more that it didn't look like it had been used in a while.

His eyes became two thin slits as he looked me over slowly, not in a leering sort of way, but more of a puzzled fashion.

"How old are you?" he boldly questioned me. "I'm looking for someone who has at least completed High School."

My eyebrows rose, and I almost laughed. Almost.

"Twenty." I told him, making him look at me in that blunt manner again.

"You sure? You look pretty young."

I fiddled with my pocket and brought out my drivers license. He put his phone in his upper left pocket, the cup of coffee on a small marble table that was situated on the side of his door.

"Huh." he said after taking the card and examining it closely. "Follow me."

So he led me into his office, closed the door behind us and handed me back my license.

"From New York.. what brings you up here?"

That question I hadn't been expecting, but I managed a response anyway.

"I've always liked it here." Which wasn't entirely true, Logan liked it here. Although I myself like it up here as well, it was mostly his memories that came to the forefront when he asked me that question.

So he motioned me to a huge leather chair in front of his desk and sat down in an equally large one behind it.

He folded his hands in front of him, something Xavier did before he asked me serious questions.

"I am looking for someone who speaks french.. That is a must. Do you?" I knew he didn't think I did, that he thought he was just being polite and was humoring me. Maybe it was a slow morning and he had time on his hands.

I said a couple things in french, actually more than a few. Saying so many nonsensical things, even poems that I had memorized as a child, or had Gambit? Who knows anymore.

But when I was done he looked pretty impressed, almost ecstatic.

He asked me a couple more questions. References etc... Wonder if Xavier freaked out when he got a call from a Canadian Bank manager? Probably not... He also let me know I would have to get a Canadian ID, although he knew someone who could help me with that.. and then told me how fortuitous it was that I came along.

"I was going to have to hire a translator from the city for tomorrow but that is always difficult, especially at short notice, have some big clients coming in, and it always makes a better presentation when you make an effort for them... But I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. Do you want the job? And can you start tomorrow?"

I hadn't expected such results, especially not my first attempt... although I managed to make my lips move and ask him the hours. Noon to Eight . Monday through Thursday. And then he told me how much I would get paid.

"Is that in Canadian or U.S. dollars?"

He chuckled at that.

"U.S."

That was when my eyes nearly left there sockets. I didn't know it was paying _that_ much.

"Oh." was all I managed. But then I remembered something.

"I should tell y'that I don't know how long I am staying here... my circumstances at the moment are a little confusing." I partially confessed to him, knowing I had to tell him, it wouldn't have been fair otherwise.

"Do you want the job?"

"Yes."

"Then come in tomorrow and we will go from there."

So I did. And now I have been there for about two weeks.

And I like it. Not only does it keep me busy, which is a very good thing at the moment, but it makes me feel responsible, more like an adult. An independent.

I put things away, sort papers, answer the phone, get lunch for him. File in customers to his office and other odd jobs, and about once or twice a week I go into his board room and translate for him. Sometimes I have to sign documents that state I will not divulge anything that I hear in that room. If it wasn't for the Erik in me I wouldn't have known half the things they were talking about in there.

I keep to myself, even if many ask me out to lunch, or even to bars at the end of the work day. But I get along with everyone, except for maybe Stacy... one of the tellers, but that is probably because she had tried applying for the secretarial position and didn't get it.

My boss is very nice. Even suggested a week after I started the job that I could move into some apartments that he owns, and only have to pay half price since I was his employee. Which was more than generous of him. Is there something in the water down here that makes most the people so friendly? I took him up on the offer after I paid Darla what I owed her, and found myself in a apartment complex with more room than I knew what to do with. I still see and talk to Darla, she even brought me a house warming gift, a small fern in a pot, and let me know that I was welcome to breakfast anytime. Free of charge. I guess it's a good thing I got the apartment even if I wouldn't have minded paying almost $100 dollars a day at the bed and breakfast. But money is money and $600 dollars rent a month isn't bad...

Mr. Demsky does have a very obnoxious son though, his ogling eyes and pampered self past annoying. I see the way the other girls act around him, silly and stupid and then jealous when he paid all his attentions to me... Which luckily lessoned when I told him the reason I moved to Canada was because I was hiding from a jealous murdering husband that killed a friend of mine after he started to send me flirtatious emails... But even after I told him that with up most seriousness, knowing he was stilly enough to believe me... he still happened to come upon me when I was walking back to my apartment, walking since it isn't far away, and then offered me a ride in his overly expensive BMW. Like I can't walk a couple blocks unassisted. I started driving after he did that two times... Especially after I started having an urge to tear him out of his car, throw him down in the street and beat the crap out of him, wiping off some of those perfect features that he probably paid for with his fathers money...

I saw Andrew again two days ago. I had been taking my lunch break, drinking a Dr. Pepper and eating a small bowl of soup when he came upon me, sat down in my booth across from me and smiled widely. What is it with some of the men in this town?

Suffice to say I almost didn't recognize him, he was out of uniform, looked younger than I remember, his features more agreeable because of it's absence.

"So I finally found you again."

I put my spoon down, not as frustrated as I could have been and directed my eyes toward him.

"What do y'want?"

"As nice as ever I see."

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm trying to eat here." I picked up my utensil, clanking the spoon in the bowel which caused some of the liquid to shoot out, unfortunately none of it landed on him.

"That eating?.. You on a diet or something?.. Because you look fine to me.. "

I didn't like the way Andrew said that to me. The flirty way in which his words were spoken rubbed me the wrong way. I dropped my spoon and started to put on my coat.

"Where you going?"

"Away from you." I said icily, thinking about how I should have made myself a sandwich and then I could have eaten at the office.

"Still don't like me?"

"I don't like or dislike you, I just don't want to talk to you."

A waitress came by and started to take his order, I took that as a distraction to leave the booth. He stopped ordering, told the waitress he would be back, grabbed his jacket and gloves that he had taken off and came after me.

I was outside, walking quickly past the restaurant when he caught up with me.

"Have you found what you are looking for yet?"

"I'm not looking for anythin'!" I practically screamed at him, not ceasing my walking away from him as I did so.

"Could've fooled me." His words as soft as mine had been loud.

I had stopped at that point, facing him as he spoke, watching him cautiously. Even looking around me to see and feel if there was any more of his people around the area, there wasn't. He was alone.

"What do y'want from me?"

Andrew seemed to ponder on my inquiry.

"Five minutes." he told me. "Come back to the diner. Please." His voice was pleading with me, his eyes upon me. "I have something I want to tell you."

I don't know exactly what made me go back with him. But I did. It was probably more because I was hungry then wanting to hear what he had to tell me. Those five minutes turning into thirty. While I still didn't trust the guy, there was just something about him them was almost likable and very genial that I didn't really regret doing so. But it was also because of the first thing he had told me once I sat back down in the booth we had just left, that caused me to stay longer than I originally wanted... My soup was still there when we got back, as was my drink. Andrew watched me as I took off my coat. When I didn't take my gloves off I think he assumed I wasn't quite committed to staying where I was so he didn't start speaking until I took a sip of my soda. Bet it would have freaked him out if he knew what my gloves really symbolized.

"I left the Friends of Humanity."

My eyes widened at that, but not for long, like I was going to take stock in his words. He could be just saying that for so many reasons.

I didn't say anything, but once he saw I wasn't going to try to dart out of there again he continued.

"It was something that I have been thinking about for a while. When I first joined I believed in the cause, but as months passed and then a year.. I started to question their motives, their ultimate goals and found, while I did want retribution, maybe even revenge, there way was not my way... And then coming upon you that day a while back, was like a punch in the head. My parents always hated the fact that I took up with them, but I didn't listen to them..But the way you acted toward me that day, a total stranger... it just.. was the added push I needed."

"I don't know what t'say t'that." I said, with honesty.

"You don't have to say anything, I'm just glad I ran across you before I got in too deep."

And so we continued to talk.

I even managed to finished my soup.

And then some of his words shook me as they landed in my ears.

"Have you lost someone recently?"

I choked on the soda I had been trying to swallow.

"Why would y'ask me that question?" I started reaching for my coat again.

"Please.." he begged, wanting me to stay where I was. "It's just that I have seen your look before...staring back at me in the mirror... after my sister died."

My mouth was slightly open and I felt tears building up in my eyes. But I gained control fast.

"I don't want t'talk about it!" I shot out at him. Grabbing my stuff to leave.

But Andrew stopped me by nearly placing a forbidden hand on mine. I pulled my arm back. Giving him a threatening look.

"It does help to talk about it.. believe me I know."

Some sort of clarity came to me then. I sat there for a couple long drawn out seconds. Just looking at Andrew. He was after all a stranger, and he couldn't cause me any more harm if I told him. I found myself putting my hand into my pocket and drawing out a folded up photo.

I handed it to him, he opened it up slowly.

It was a picture of Scott and Jean that I had found in the glove compartment, for some reason I hadn't been able to rip her half off.

I swear I saw a flash of recognition, but it was gone too quickly for me to believe that I had. But that had happened when he had been looking on the right side of the picture, where Jean was located.

His eyes finally drifted to the left side.

"Nice glasses." Andrew muttered and I knew he was looking at Scott. He looked up at me and then down on the table where some of my stuff was located. "Kind of look like yours."

So I told him a little about Scott, what had happened in a round about way. Even how on the weekends I had been going to different hospitals near by, that maybe, someway, somehow he had ended up at. Although, while the residents around here might have been nice, the hospital staff was anything but forthcoming most not even cordial. And after every hospital I visited, my hope dwindled down becoming just a faint whisper in my mind that was soon to be gone. I don't understand what made me go to the hospitals to begin with, just a compulsion I couldn't ignore.

That is what I had been doing on the day of Scott's funeral. Looking for him. Ironic I know.

But I can't help it.

"Can I get a copy of this? My mother is a resident doctor and she might be able to help."

So we ended up at a nearby copy shop where he got a color duplicate made of the left side, it was very weird, me giving Scott's picture to a suppose ex friends of humanity guy. But if Scott was really dead what harm could it do?

We finally left each others company after he scribbled down a phone number on a piece of paper and shoved it into my hand.

"Call me if you need someone to talk to. And I'll let you know if I find out anything."

I had given him my work phone number, which he had written down on the back of a receipt.

So I went back to my job, almost forgetting to pick up a bouquet of flowers at the local floral shop that had been ordered for two of Mr. Demsky's favorite customers, who were celebrating their 45th anniversary...

It was later that evening when there was a knock on my door. One that was way too familiar. I knew it was her even before I looked out the peek hole. It wasn't just the knock, she had a most distinctive smell, especially her shampoo that had the slight scent of sunscreen and always reminded me of the beach.. that my nose picked up before she even entered the hallway that led to my apartment.

Opening the door after unlocking it I looked at my visitor.

"Took you long enough.. Man you were hard to find, should've asked you were your apartment was located.. the woman at the hotel wouldn't even tell me where you lived until I convinced her I was a friend of yours. And then I had to walk all the way over here in the snow," she looked down at her feet, kicking them on the rug outside my door. "Not even wearing the right shoes, Logan did tell me it can get cold down here, but I forgot to pack a heavier coat, and are you going to invite me in our what?"

"Jubilee!"

"So you remember me?" She picked up her suitcase on the floor beside her and walked past me, looking around she turned her attention back to me.

"Yeah, the person I've been talkin' t'on the phone every night for the past two weeks." We have been talking more regularly, things not so strained. She would talk about new arrivals. I would talk about my job. She would tell me about missions she had been on, and I would feel a little empty for not being there myself. Of course we talked about more serious matters, Scott's funeral being at the top of the list. I never said much when she went there, but managed to listen to her without crying, at least not loud enough for her to pick it up on the other end.

"I guess you're going for the sparse look?" She scoffed, giving me a sideways look that showed off her amusement.

True enough the only furniture in the whole apartment was all located in the front room. There was a bed and a small night stand with a lamp on it. A mini refrigerator and a couple dishes and cookware I had bought. A small sofa that had been there when I arrived.

Jubilee dropped her stuff and went and laid down on the bed, not bothering to take her shoes or coat off, the hat she had been wearing falling off her head. She moaned with what sounded like contentment as she tugged on one of my pillows and put it under her head.

"Jubilee?"

She opened her eyes which had been closed and looked up at me.

"What?"

"Y'goin' t'tell me what y'are doin' here.. and why didn't y'tell me y'were coming?"

"You would have just tried to talk me out of it.. and I am here because I have some things I have to tell you.. too important to tell you over the phone." she sat up, bit her bottom lip and looked anxious yet excited about something. "Do you have any caffeine around here?"

I got her a drink and then sat down beside her. Jubilee opened the can I had given her and took a long drink, let out a pleased sigh and then placed it on the carpet below us both.

And then she started to speak. Words pouring out of her lips that tore through the air between us and plummeted into my ears.

Most of the things she said I just listened to in silence, my eyes becoming large...

Jean was gone, she disappeared the day before Jubilee showed up, destroying the med lab in the basement. Jubilee let me know she would have told me the night before if she had known then.

"Nobody knows where she had gone.. and the Professor is having difficulties locating her with Cerebro... Logan has gone after her, but hasn't found her yet."

I know from what Jubilee has told me that Jean wasn't doing very well, and although Xavier was trying to help her he didn't seem to be getting through to her, or making any headway.

"Logan did?"

"Yeah, I think they might have started something before she left."

I kinda already had that impression before I had gone to Canada, so that wasn't any news to me.

"That's not all is it?"

Jubilee got off the bed, making her way to her suitcase, she popped it open and pulled out some documents that were lying on top of some clothes.

"Read this." She told me, handing me some papers.

I read the beginning of it..

"This can't be right." I told Jubilee after I had scanned through some of it. I got off the bed and made my way to her, she had been trying to give me a little space and had taken to looking intently out the window.

"It is Rogue. It's Scott's will... and he left you everything."

I stared at the figure again. I knew Scott had dabbled in stocks and other things, investing here and there.. but I never knew...

"Seven million, six hundred and forty seven thousand, eight hundred and thirty two dollars.. " Jubilee recited, having already memorized that which was left to me.

"This cant be right." I said again, my mind in a repetitive loop. I shook the papers in my hand, the rustling sound that caused amplifying my anxiety.

"It is, his will was read after the funeral.. Scott also left you his cars and motorcycles and even a house."

"But what about Jean?"

"What about her? When he wrote that she was thought dead.. and for all we know she killed him.. you really think she deserves that?" I heard the sudden hostility in her voice directed at Jean. Something I haven't heard coming from her before.

I sat back down on the bed, staring at the papers in my hand.

"Why would Scott do this?.. He should have left it t'Xavier.. not me."

"Are you kidding? The Professor has way more than enough, and of course Scott left it to you, he loved you Rogue... a lot."

"Why Didn't y'tell me this sooner? The funeral was over three days ago." I asked her, my tone accusatory.

"I know, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you in person and Xavier wanted to get it all in order first.. you forgive me?"

Jubilee sat down beside me again, looking me over carefully. Her eyes taking in my clothes that were loose, my hair that was shorter, and my appearance in general. She frowned deeply, shook her head in a troubled manner, shifted and then hugged me, me holding onto the papers in my hand as if they were stuck to me.

"I don't know what I am going t'do." I told her in a low whisper, tears falling down my face, landing on the last will and testament of one Scott Summers.

We talked some more after that, about everything in between the sun and the moon. Jubilee let me know that Ororo had dropped her off and that she would be coming back for her in a week. Telling me she was staying with me, and did I have any extra blankets? And were there any good restaurants around because she was starved. Although I sure looked like I could use some food myself.

Man I really did miss her.

So we went out to dinner, Jubilee talking non stop as she tried to make me laugh and smile. She managed both a couple times, even if they weren't quite real, but close.

The food was good, her company was nice. The drive back and forth pleasant.

When we got back Jubilee said she would sleep on the couch, even after I argued with her that she could have the bed. I wouldn't even have minded sharing with her, not really, but she looks comfortable enough...

She arrived on a Thursday and for the last day and a half I have been showing her around, walking with her, talking more and even crying some.

But things are getting better, even if sometimes I wish they weren't.

The heartbreak is still with me, the feeling as if I am not quite whole is still there..

But the sun keeps rising and setting, the moon continues to shine. The snow falls.

Light is still penetrating, darkness is still and calming.

I am not the mess I was. I am coming to terms with what has happened. Tearing down my deniability and trying to accept things.

Scott is dead, I am alive.

When is this horrible feeling going to go away?

When am I going to wake up and feel blessed not cursed? Contentment not agony?

When I let Scott go?

I can't.

Never.

Not ever.

I am not Rogue.

I am Sorrow.


	37. Tuesday November 9 2010

It was two days later when I had just gotten to sleep when I was roused by a knock on my door. I jerked a little, turned over and sat slowly up. Staring at the clock I saw that it was 3:17 in the morning. I couldn't think of why anybody would want me at that time of night.

Turning on my bed stand lamp, I sat there silently, thinking maybe I had dreamed it up, that nobody really knocked on my door, that it had just been a part of my dream I had been starting to have, or just the apartment creaking like all houses seem to do in the middle of the night.

I saw that Jubilee was sleeping peacefully, she had a large comforter wrapped around her, practically swallowing her whole. If I didn't see the slight movement that betrayed her breathing I wouldn't have believed she was there. But she wasn't awake, not that that says much, once Jubilee gets to sleep she can sleep through a lot of things. That might have to do with how she was moved around a lot as a child.

I was just about to lay down again, when I heard the soft rapping on my door once more. I threw my sheet off me, stood up rather slowly while grabbing my gloves and robe and putting them on, then making sure I had socks on to cover my feet I slowly made my way to the door.

I peered out the peek hole, squinting as I did so, sleep and exhaustion drifting out of my slowly when I saw who was there.

Andrew.

I never told him where I lived, heck I never even gave him my home phone number, so seeing him standing there in front of my apartment door was a little jarring.

I debating for a good twenty seconds on whether or not to open the door, but as it usually does my inquisitiveness won me over, forcing my hand to unlock the doors and then to turn the knob.

"What are y'doin' here?" I asked, keeping my voice low, Jubilee asleep on the couch just a couple feet away from where I was standing.

"I had to see you." he looked at me, I still had my hand on the door knob, and was standing partially behind the door.

"How did y'know where I lived? And what can be so important that y'have t'come at this time of night?" I was slightly exasperated, and my tone didn't hide that.

"I found out something, something I think you should know, and something that can't wait." I noticed how he didn't answer my question about how he found out where I was living, but decided not to press it when I heard the urgency in his tone.

"Is it about Scott?" I asked of him, a strange elation seeping into me that made me release my hold on the door and open it a little wider.

"Yes, but I need you to come with me right now."

There was something in his words, an undercurrent of more than just urgency that kept me from shutting the door in his face.

"Why can't y'just tell me what y'found out, why do I have t'come with you?"

He sighed loudly.

"I know you don't trust me, and you have no reason to, but I promise I am not going to hurt you, and that you will be glad that you came with me."

I wasn't afraid that he was going to hurt me, and I wasn't scared of him, and trust really didn't have anything to do with it. But that is more because lately I have been getting a better sense that I can take care of myself, and that I can handle things. If Scott's death did anything for me it pushed me back toward my self reliance and independence. My loner self that believed she didn't need anyone, or at least believed she could make it without anyone if she had to. But enough of that.

"Why now? Why can't it wait?"

"Because it can't." He said firmly.

Well that answer was unacceptable. What was he trying to be.. Mysterious? I had enough mysteries in my life. Enough enigmas.

I stared at his heavy coat, his black boots and the keys he was unconsciously jingling softly in his left hand.

"Are y'tryin' t'lead me into some Friends of Humanity trap?"

Andrew's mouth turned upwards at that.

"If I was, I would think of something more original."

"This really can't wait?"

He shook his head no.

"Let me get dressed." I finally said, very reluctantly, closing the door behind me.

I didn't offer him in, my thoughts racing as I quickly got dressed in some jeans, and a shirt of Jubilee's that she had given to me a while back. I went to the bathroom, threw some cold water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror.

"I wonder what he has found out." I said to myself, finding a frown appearing on my face, that was more grim than anything else.

When I went back to the front room I found Jubilee, standing in front to the door, looking out of it at Andrew.

"Jubilee?"

She spun around, I guess I startled her.

"What is a somewhat good-looking guy doing outside your door at this time of night Rogue?"

But of course being her she didn't even give me time to answer, instead she flung the door open, astounding Andrew and freaking me out.

"Who are you?" Jubilee demanded, putting her hands on her hips, trying to look threatening. Not realizing that the pig pajamas she was wearing, her short black hair pulled back in two ponytails, along with her rumpled state annulled that effect.

"Andrew." He said blandly, looking at me with a question on his face. He obviously didn't expect to find anyone there with me.

Jubilee stood there, her eyes partially shut as she looked him over top to bottom, surveying Andrew as if he was a new found enemy and she had to figure out his weaknesses.

"The Friends of Humanity guy?" She raised her eyebrows, and turned to look at me incredulously. "What is Nazi boy doing here at this time of night?Is there something you haven't told me?"

Andrew said something rather churlish under his breath about Jubilee that luckily she didn't hear. Although she did give him a sharp look. But she had been doing that since her eyes clapped on him.

A short explanation followed, one that didn't satisfy Jubilee but had to do for the time being.

Walking out the door Jubilee grabbed my arm, "You sure you want to do this Rogue?" She was whispering to me, making sure Andrew, who was waiting outside the open door didn't hear. "And why can't I come?"

"Yes I want t'do this, and I'll be fine, go back t'sleep, I'll be back before y'know it."

Her mouth turned southward and she started to pout. Jubilee also looked rather miffed at me for telling her to go back to bed. I guess we both knew she wouldn't.

"I don't like this."

I left her behind with that statement, getting on the elevator and making it down to the lobby, following after Andrew once we left the building.

I had Logan's senses on alert, I could have heard a cricket a mile away or further if I tried hard enough, so I knew nobody was around when we made our way outside.

We made our way to his car. He unlocked the door with his button on his key chain and motioned for me to get inside.

I hesitated. Remembering my last experience with the F.O.H and cars. But what was he going to do? Blow us his car? Still I waited till he got in, scanning his car gently thanks to Magneto, not sensing any extra equipment, at least not anything that resembled a weapon.

And then we drove. Neither of us saying nothing, although Andrew kept looking at me furtively, a mask on his face that hid whatever he was thinking about.

But then I practically strangled my seat belt when I saw him turn into a hospital. Victoria Hospital. The first place I had visited when I had started going places looking for Scott. It had almost made me stop doing it. The nurse and Doctor I had spoken to had been so cold and hostile to me that I almost gave up my frantic quest all together.

And I didn't like how they stared at me either.

Andrew parked the car, and started to get out, but paused when he saw how still I had become, how I wasn't moving to leave the car.

"Is something wrong?" He inquired of me gently, he looked around the parking lot slowly and then his watchful face settled back on me.

"I don't like this place."

I thought back to the Doctor Carmichael who listened to me impatiently as I told him I was looking for a friend, describing Scott painfully as I tried my hardest to finish what I had to say. He exchanged glances with the nurse when I was finished. Studied me for a good minute and then finally answered me.

"I'm sorry young lady, but as Mrs. Lantly said," he gestured toward the nurse standing rigidly beside him, "we do not have anyone like that as a patient here." He dismissed me with his curt words, leaving me with nothing to do but to walk away.

I heard them whispering behind me as I did so thanks to my keen hearing.

"You think she'll come back?"

"If she does our answers won't change."

Of course I remembered both their names since they had been the first persons in Canada who had been so openly rude to me...

Andrew finally convinced me to get out and I found we were going in the back way, not the front like I had done originally. I nearly screeched when we came upon something. Something that left me terrified as a low level of panic found its way through my eyes and into my very body.

It was parked neatly in a space, chained to a pole. With my metal detection I could tell that it had been there about a month or more, the chain having been rained on and snowed on, the sun rusting it somewhat.

It was Scott's Bike. His Harley Davidson V Rod.

"Are you ok?"

I stared at the vehicle. It had seen better days, the chrome had lost it's luster, and was covered dirt and grime. Scott wouldn't have been happy.

I walked up to it, my gloved fingers trailing over the thing until they found their way to the branded X on the side. Jubilee and I used to joke about how the X-men could have their own clothes, vehicle, and electronics line, what with everything around us having an X embroidered, painted or embedded on it.

I wiped off the symbol that was so dirty, bringing out the X in the bike until I could see it more clearly.

"We never found his bike.. I always wondered what happened t'it.. Logan thought someone probably stole it." I don't think I was talking to Andrew, maybe I was saying it more to me, speaking my thoughts out loud.

Andrew didn't ask me who Logan was, although he did lightly put his hand on my shoulder, watching my reaction as he did it slowly.

"There is more to see inside."

He didn't seem happy with that prospect. And I couldn't figure out why. It was probably just more of things they have found of Scotts'. Although why were his things at the hospital? Had they located his body? Surely he wasn't taking me in there for that purpose. They couldn't still have it after all this time. I felt a shiver go down my back.

I followed him into the back of the hospital, the sliding doors opening for us as we walked through. Once again I stopped. Halting in my tracks as another thing took precedence in my eyes, filling them to the brim.

There had been construction going on, I don't know what caused me to look upward but I did and that is what made me pause. There was a huge hole in the wall, the destruction partially fixed, although I couldn't help but think it must have been vast when it first happened, maybe even gone all the way up through the roof. It would be a lie if I wrote that I didn't think of Scott when I saw that. The demolition something that he himself could have cause if, say he had been brought into the emergency room and someone had been foolish enough to open his eyes to check them.

But I put that thought away quickly, no longer hoping as I once had. No longer believing he was alive with each passing day. It was just wishful thinking. And when Andrew found me staring, he said something under his breath about faulty building falling apart and we were once again on our way.

Until we came to a woman who was slowly pacing in front of our path, who when she saw Andrew gave him a smile and a quick hug before turning to me.

"You convinced her to come?" She asked of Andrew while looking me over with alert eyes. I glanced at her also. She didn't look much like her son, bright blue eyes, ash blond hair, not overweight, but not thin.

"Yeah Mom."

She didn't look like a Doctor, but her lack of a any kind of white coat could account for that. Rose smiled softly after she finished her inspection of me, her face lighting up. Right away I knew I liked her.

"Mom this is Rogue."

"I'm Rosaland." His mom said, putting out a hand which I took and shook without too much hesitation on my part. "Most people call me Rose though."

And then she got dreadfully serious.

"I don't suppose my son has told you why you are here?"

I looked at Andrew then back at her.

"He just said it was something about.." I faltered for a second, and swallowed hard. "About Scott."

"Yes, I am sorry we had to disturb you at this time of night, but I have friends that work this shift, which make what we have to do much easier."

So once again we were walking, this time following after Andrew's mom. We stopped shortly at a small desk, a nurse pressing a button after her and Rose exchanged glances. We then joined her on an elevator that opened in back of us.

"Were are we goin'? What is this all about?" I asked the two. It was Rose who answered me.

"We are going to the Psychiatric unit Rogue. Everything will be explained there... At least I hope it will be." She finished cryptically.

I didn't feel like they were trying to pull anything over me, or deceive me, I have had a couple lifetimes of experience in that department so I continued along, although what she had just said daunted me. The Mental Ward? And why might things not be able to be clarified?

Getting off the elevator we passed through some doors, went down a winding hallway and then turned to the left.

A man was waiting for us there. A guard by the look of it. He was sitting in a small metal chair when we came upon him, one that made him look large and rather portly. Once he saw us approaching he quickly got out of it, pushing it back as he did so which made a horrible distracting screeching sound against the tiled floor.

"This her Rose?"

"Yes Darrel."

He looked past us, then behind him. Darrel took some keys off his belt, slightly jerking the gun that was in his holster when he did so.

"I really shouldn't be doing this." he muttered under his breath, not loud enough for Rose and Andrew to hear but I picked it up quite clearly.

He opened the door.

Rose went first. I saw that Andrew was staying behind although the guard came along.

We passed through another reception desk that had nobody there, a small recreational area with a TV hanging from the ceiling. What looked to be living quarters probably for patients. Everything was dark and quiet. I thought we would never get to our destination. But finally, after coming to the end of yet another hallway, we approached a door. With yet another person waiting for us. What looked to be a nurse of some sort.

"This the young lady you were talking about?"

Rose nodded her head slowly.

"How's the patient doing?"

The man snorted.

"No change. Although he finally stopped moving around about an hour ago."

He had a key already in his hand which he used to open the door. I think at that moment I started to see where all of it was leading. All the secrecy, the absence of explanations.

The door was pushed open slowly, the male nurse going in first, putting his head in and then bringing it back out to look at me.

"Are you ready to go in?"

All I could manage at that point was a drawn out nod of the head.

"You guys stay here, we should be fine, shouldn't be long."

And then we both entered the room, the skinny man in front of me blocking my view until I walked to the right.

That was when I saw him.

And once again, my world shifted, throwing and thrashing me around as it laughed at me once more for another twist that it decided to throw my way.

It was Scott.


	38. Tuesday November 9 2010 Continued

It's amazing what can happen in less than forty-eight hours. How much can change, how much can take place.

I have prayed so much these last months, furtive begging along with dreadful regrets and bitterness mixed with a good dose of heart wrenching sorrow. I gave up on prayer when I left my home, no longer having faith in much of anything. Yet there I was again.. trying to reach God. Trying to hear his voice.

Asking God what I did wrong. Why it was all happening to me. Maybe I even prayed for Scott. For his soul, for his life. For him.

He told me once that he believed in God... in Jesus.. That he had been raised a Christian, and although he didn't go to church as much as he would have liked, he still had conviction. Even when he struggled with loosing Jean, he told me that a part of him still held on to it all. Which helped carry him through the storm.

So I imagined Scott in heaven. Away from all the problems, the difficulties, the ongoing struggles. At Peace.

And who wouldn't want that? The pain didn't lesson, but knowing that, believing that, helped more than I would have thought.

I had to stop writing earlier. We landed and I had to get off the jet.

Yes, I am home. Or what was my home. I am not so sure anymore. About anything.

I guess I should fill in all the missing pieces, explaining what happened. Write it all down so it is known.

So I will go back to where I left off...

There was Scott, right in front of me. He was sitting down on the floor in the left corner of the of the small yet actually pleasant looking room. He was teetering to and fro, as if he was restless, his body swaying. His eyes were covered in thick gauze, as was his arms, which had some exposed parts that showed red blotches and horribly looking burn marks that although were partly healed stilled looked pretty gruesome.

He had scars on his face, and more facial hair than usual lining his jaw and sides.

I couldn't see how the rest of him was, he was wearing white pants and shoes, and was pretty much covered.

That was when I nearly asphyxiated myself. Forgetting to breath and take in the necessary air that my brain needed to survive. Actually started to see bright dark spots in my eyes which were watering and about to pour forth a flood of uncertain tears.

_Scott was alive._

And while he didn't look bad for a dead guy, he also didn't look good.

I finally remembered to breath, steadying myself I lowered my self on the ground, crouching on my front feet, I put out a tentative hand to touch him.

But he pulled back, somehow realizing that someone was trying to touch him. He became as still as a statue, the only moving part was his chest as he took slow gulps of air into his lungs.

"Scott?" I breathed his name out past my lips, letting it settle in that for once the word could warrant a response. But there was none. "Scott?"

I reached out toward him again, touching his face gently with my gloved hand. He flinched at my touch, trying to back into the wall even further.

"I wouldn't Miss." The nurse said behind me, an air of caution in his words. "He probably doesn't know who you are."

I stood up slowly, without thinking I brushed off my pants before I faced the man.

"What's wrong with him?" I panted, my words coming out course and scratchy.

"Maybe it's best for the Doctor to explain to you." He started to shift on his feet noticeably, I felt then that he was nervous, his heartbeat a little faster than what was deemed normal. "We should leave."

So I left Scott behind, having the urge to tear the whole hospital down and just take him out of there. But I needed to know what happened.

At one point Rose put her hand on my arm, leading me away from the room. I was vaguely aware of her holding on to me, taking me somewhere until I found myself sitting at a table. I looked around. We were in a dimly lit cafeteria, some sort of drink in front of me.

I saw that Andrew was sitting at another table, giving his mom and me privacy for whatever was to be said.

"You must have a million questions.. so you do know him? Scott is his name?" She was speaking softy, her words slow and drawn out.

"Yes.. I.." I stopped for a second trying to get things straight inside of me. "When did y'find him?"

She pondered that over for a second before opening her mouth.

"About two months ago, nobody knew who he was. But then Andrew showed me a picture last night.. I have been in the states for the past three weeks for a conference.." Rose explained, taking a drink out of a bottle, what appeared to be apple juice. "And I knew it was our patient right away." She started to bite her lip, and then looked past me toward her son. "You know that my son has been involved with the Friends of Humanity?" Her voice was one of caution.

I told her yes.

"Well it's a horrible thing to have suspicion of your own child, and it took him much convincing before I told him that I had been treating the man in the photo.. Or at least I treated him initially." I saw a wave of agitation flash through her face which disappeared quickly. She patted my hand and got me to drink some of the hot coffee that was in the paper cup before me. It was horrible. But I sipped on it anyway.

She lowered her voice again, he gaze back on her son.

"Andrew became very distant after his sister's death," she froze for a second, open melancholy filtering through her pleasant features. Sighing softly Rose ambled on "not to mention a totally different person. But the way he showed such passion for finding out information about the man showed me the old Andrew, the one who cared about everybody else more than himself."

Rose realized she was drifting and gave me a small motherly smile.

"The Patie.. Scott was found by a local artist who was out looking for wood for his craft near.. the lake outside of town... You know the one?" She turned her watchful face on mine.

"Yeah, I have heard about it." I managed to keep the dark humor out of my tone.

"A lot of strange things have happened down there, an underground secret base that nobody even knew existed was destroyed, the dam burst.. There seems to always be something.. And then your young man was found there. "

Rose took a breath and put her right hand through her hair, brushing it with her fingers.

"Scott was very lucky.. The man that found him brought him to this hospital, if he took him to Marjorie's Hospital instead of this one, he would be in the hands of the extremists right now."

"So y'know?" I inquired breathlessly. Already knowing her answer by the way she had been talking.

She gave me an indulgent look that moved on to partial amusement.

"That he is.. special.. that he is a.."

"Mutant." I finished for her, a word I hadn't spoken out loud or even really thought about in a while, it rolled out from between my lips, with a sense of lost familiarity. When I lived at the mansion it was literally shoved in my face day after day, but living on my own, it suddenly wasn't at the forefront of my life, wasn't there every waking moment as I drifted through my days.

"You can imaging the fuss and panic that happened to the admitting nurse when she tried to check his eyes for any signs of a concussion... the repairs on the ceiling and roof still haven't been finished. It took some doing to make everybody that had worked that shift to keep silent. But this hospital employs good people, and we all knew what would happen if anyone got word that we were taking care of such a unique individual."

"I came askin' about him a while ago.. A Doctor Carmichael turned me away though.." I grimaced, remembered how brash the man had been.

"Frank?" Rose laughed softly. "He is quite protective of his hospital, and in all do honesty, he probably thought you were someone from the Friends of Humanity. Scott is _his_ patient."

"I thought he was yours."

"No, although I did treat him initially, but this isn't my hospital, I sometimes sub when they are short on staff. Which they happened to be that night."

Our conversation stopped for a short while. Rose had gotten up to go to the bathroom. She stopped at her sons table before leaving the cafeteria.

"Rogue seems like a nice girl Andrew. "

"She is when she decides to be."

When Rose returned I noticed right away the more severe somber expression that she was wearing, and when she started to speak again I knew that the Doctor in her was taking over as she explained.

She told me of Scott's injuries.

"He was found with second and third degree burns and was in a coma for the first three weeks." She looked thoughtful, her eyebrows furrowing which darkened her face somewhat. "And looked like someone tried to rip him apart.. from the inside, and then stopped halfway."

I am glad she wasn't looking at me when she said that. Nor notice the way I started to tremble, my body reacting as if it was in the middle of a freezing snow storm, my teeth chattering, an unknown sensation drifting through me that made me feel numb. I looked down at my coffee cup, staring down at what had been a bitter liquid but was now solid frozen coffee. Luckily that too went unnoticed by Rose.

"What is wrong with him now?" I asked of her, not sure if I wanted to hear what she was going to say.

She went on for a while about his ailments, his treatments and his non responsiveness. About them moving him to the Mental ward once he healed well enough. Although she explained to me that from the start he had been isolated as best as possible since some people that knew of him were worried about his "gift" going off again, especially since they didn't know enough about his mutantcy. She assured me that he had been well taken care of, and that the resident psychiatrist was trying to work with him.

"The only time he ever reacts to anyone is when they try to touch him." She looked at me her mouth turned downward. "And only the more experienced staff members are allowed to handle him.. He can get quite.. upset sometimes.. nearly manicy.. Mind you, he has healed rather well, in fact faster than most would have and physically he is fine for the most part.. " She gazed at me compassionately. "You see I've been kept informed of his progress.. even check up on him sometimes... I knew he was going to be moved in a couple days, to a facility that was better equipped to help him recover. With all that we have done and have been trying to do we really haven't made any progress." Rose told me frankly, in a detached sort of manner that must come in handy in her profession.

She stopped talking them. Drank the rest of her juice and got up an threw it away in a near by trash can. I got up as well, trailing after her in a zombie like fashion as I threw my own cup away, careful to do it in such a way that it's frozen state was not brought to her attention.

What a time to start loosing control.

"I'm sure you want to contact his parents now that you now he is alive.. can I ask you how you thought he died?" She had her face turned to the side, her expression an inquisitive one. Rose had been so kind to me, I felt no need not to tell her. Both her thumbs on each of her hands were in the front pockets of the tan slacks that she was wearing, her hands casually across the front of her body as she waited for whatever I could think up to say.

"I was never really told... only that he was dead."

I guess that was an acceptable thing to say for she didn't try to pry any further.

She left me where I was standing after she took my hand and gave it a slight squeeze, then, making her way over to her son, they spoke quietly. I saw Andrew looking at me a couple times through their conversation, he looked worried about me.

I couldn't shut my brain down. The thoughts, questions and emotions all ripping through me at a rate I was obviously unable to absorb.

It was partially interrupted when I found Andrew in front of me, he had been calling my name and he had a hand on my Elbow.

"What did y'say?" I asked him, bringing my head up to look at him. He dropped his hold on me.

"I said do you need anything from either of us?" Andrew shifted his right shoulder indicated his mom who was exiting the dark cafeteria. "My mom has to start her shift soon, but I am sure if you need help contacting anyone, or a hand in any other matter that we could help you."

I stared at him long and hard, not knowing why he was being so kind. He must have known by then that the possibility of me being a mutant were pretty high. But neither him or his mom ever brought it up, and I felt no need to burst forth with that information.

"Why are y'doin' this Andrew? Why help me at all?"

He returned my penetrating look with one of his own, his eyes becoming somewhat dispirited as he continued to do so, as if looking at me was bringing forth depressing emotions.

"Because I care.. And I care for your well being." His hands were stiffly at his sides as if he was trying to force himself from reaching out toward me.

I looked away from him, his compassionate words drifting right through me. I said nothing to what he had said, becoming rather taciturn which seemed to make Andrew nervous.

"So do you need help contacting his mom and dad.. or his family?" Andrew repeated once more, looking past me at the back walls until he found the courage to rest his eyes upon my face once more.

My mouth tightened at his words, me teeth clenched together.

"He doesn't have any parents.. He lost them when he was just a kid." My voice was rather gruff and hard, I felt rather bad how I spoke to him, especially with how nice he had been to me. 'I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to snap at you.. it's just.. "

"To much to take in?" he offered me a small smile.

"Yeah."

So I found myself walking with him back to his car, but not before we bumped into Andrews mom again, who offered me some comforting words and asked me if I needed any assistance with anything. I declined of course. Then making our way to the back of the hospital we ran into someone else. A person who looked beyond agitated heading toward annoyed and angry.

It was Jubilee.

It ended up she had followed me, worried about me and well, just being the good friend that she was. She had been searching for me through the building but hadn't been able to find me. I guess she didn't think to look in the cafeteria. But it had been closed. I think Rose had a key that let us in, and the doors locked behind us. So she couldn't have gotten in if she wanted.

We left Andrew behind at the hospital, Jubilee driving us both back. I didn't tell her about Scott right away. I knew she was waiting for me to explain what I had been doing at hospital, why Scott's bike was there and so forth. I know she had seem his bike just by the way she looked at me.

It was at a intersection that I told her, when the light had just turned green, and when she just started to put her foot on the gas, the car rushing forward.

She stopped the car suddenly, the tires screeching, probably leaving behind rubber burns. Good thing I had my seat belt on.

"HE'S WHAT?" Jubilee shouted at me, her hand tightly clinging to the wheel.

We were in the middle of the intersection and a car had to swerve around us to pass us, honking the horn loudly as it did so.

"Oh go around you idiots!" She yelled while waving her fists around. As if the people could actually hear her through the closed windows.

So Jubilee was riled as she sped back to the apartment, the car moving in such a manner that it felt like rockets were installed on the back of it.

Oddly neither of us said anything.

It wasn't until she slammed the apartment door behind us when she started to lose it again. Her voice at full volume as she paced, her arms flailing about her as she let her shock out in overly loud words.

I was doing something else entirely, ignoring her as I automatically took off my jacket, then my shoes, and numbly made it over to my bed.

It suddenly became rather quite as Jubilee approached me from behind, her voice more restrained as she tapped on my shoulder.

"What are you doing Rogue? Scott is _alive_ and you are making your bed?"

I hadn't even realized that I had been until she pointed it out to me. I dropped the pillow I had been holding and let go of the sheet, watched it float back down softy on the bed.

And then I started to cry. And then in the middle of it I started to laughed.

A strange disjointed, half crazed laugh that came from inside a dark part of me.

That is when Jubilee slapped me.

I can still hear the sound of her hand making contact with my face and the flash of the color purple, which had been on her nails, rushing toward me at top speed.

Strange enough I needed that, and I deserved it also. Even if it was a little harder than it needed to be.

So it took me about twenty minutes to compose myself enough to call the Professor. Jubilee kept offering that she could, but I felt the need to do it myself.

It was one of the strangest phone calls of my life. I've never heard Xavier sound like that before, so obviously happy and overjoyed, yet acutely perplexed.

And then they came to Canada in record time. Got Scott out of the hospital, which was easier that I thought it would be, although it really helped that Charles was his legal guardian. Jubilee helped me pack my sparse things as they did so.

I also manage to leave a message on Mr Demsky's answering machine to let him know I had to quit my job. I felt really bad for leaving him like that so suddenly, but it was just a drifting thought that paled in comparison with so many others.

Scott had been so motionless on the way back. It was when we got to the mansion and tried to get him off the jet that he went berserk. Shoving and lashing out, seemingly furious although he still said nothing. Not a decibel of sound leaving his lips. Xavier was unable to get through to him, nobody could say anything that would calm him down. Jubilee had to hold onto me tightly so that I didn't run to him. I believe she thought he would injure me. Finally Ororo got close enough to sedate him when Hank managed to hold him still for a couple seconds. I have never seen Scott like that, and I could see I wasn't the only one that was disturbed by his frantic presentation...

So far I have been back for about four hours and still know no more than I had. I have been with Scott nearly the whole time, we were only separated when he had to have more invasive tests performed on him in the subbasement where the more expensive and conducive equipment was located. Which is where he is now. It's not just McCoy working on him, there is a woman named Moira who is helping him. She had been brought from Scotland to help with Jean and I guess decided to stay on for a while.

Haven't really seen anyone yet, which is fine with me, although I am curious where Logan is. Probably still looking for Jean.

It's odd being back.. Seeing that which I had left behind.

I went briefly to my room to change.. It doesn't seem to fit me anymore.

I am not the person I was.

Could two months have changed me so much?

I don't know.

I am so tired. So very tired.


	39. Saturday November 20 2010

It's been a while since I was able to take a bath, or allow myself to. Yes allowed. I have been forcing myself to take showers lately, not letting myself find pleasure in certain things, not wanting to. Not letting the warm liquid calm my mind and body as I lingered there and soaked in it... Until Today. I took a long one, loosing myself in the too hot water that tried to cleanse more than just my body.

Things are still quite hectic around here.

I know a little more about what is going on with Scott. McCoy took me aside two days ago, his expression dismal.

He went on and on, using words that I shouldn't have been able to understand but did.

In a nutshell, Jean turned him off somehow. Manipulating his brain, changing the wavelength or something, messing with his system and cerebral cortex. Scott can't speak, can't hear. Can't see. But he still has motor functions, still able to walk, and move, and his powers are still intact... The Professor can't even get through to him telepathically, his mind such a jumble that all he gets it a swirl of images that are beyond understanding. A couple times a day for the last week since we returned, the Xavier has come down, worked with Scott as I sat on the sofa watching. Xavier becoming still, Scott becoming antsy and the whole thing going on until a fine bead of sweat appeared on Charles's head as he tried to break through the mental blocks that were in Scott's mind.

But all this adds up to one obvious conclusion. Jean wasn't able to kill him after all.

And understandingly, that leaves me with so many more questions.

Like why did she have the memory of killing him?

Why did she do what she did to him, or was it just the after effect of her trying to extinguish his life?

The first few days I was back there was a wave of action, people coming down to the lab, wanting to see Scott, wanting to help somehow, most denied, although their obvious concern was quite heartwarming.

When Bobby came down one day, bearing food for me, Hank and Moira, I took a good look at him. When was he so young? Or when had I become so old?

His boyish good looks and bright blue eyes watching me through a wall of silence and a small smile that could say many things if I wanted to listen.

After we got through the strain of nervousness that had encased us both we talked for a while. Falling back into a feeling of real friendship and camaraderie that I haven't felt, well not with him anyway, since we broke up.

He left about an hour later, just when Scott returned from having more tests performed on him. I was one of the few people that could see him, he had his own room in the back of the medical lab, a place that was covered in bright flowers in tall vases, the walls painted a pale yellow, all together a pleasant place to recover in.

Scott's face is still rather unkempt with extra hair since nobody wanted to disturb him by shaving him, but his glasses have been returned to him. Which means to me that they believe he is capable of reasoning. Knowing control. Keeping his powers in check...

McCoy is working on healing his scars better, and even then they were already looking much better.

He seemed to be sleeping when I approached him that day, looking calm and peaceful.

I walked toward him, looking down at him. Still feeling the sense of surprise and shock that always seems to wash over me every time I see him.

But he couldn't communicate. And I couldn't get through to him. I would find myself talking to him on more than one occasion, making such silly small talk that echoed in the room back toward me, reminding me than in all essence I was in fact just talking to myself. And not saying anything worthwhile either.

So there I was just staring as Scott once again, looking down at him as I memorized every trace and line of him. Renewing my memory once more of what he looked like. I couldn't get enough of just staring at him, and I had spent more than a couple hours doing so, as if even with him right in front of me, reality hadn't quite settled in.

I felt someone place a hand on my shoulder, I jumped slightly and spun around. It was just McCoy. He needed to get something in the basement and wanted to make sure that I was ok with watching Scott for a couple minutes. I told him I would be fine, and after his large hand gave me a reassuring pat on my arm he left me alone with Scott.

It was about thirty seconds after that my Logan alarm went off. That subconscious part of me that always seems to know when he is in the vicinity, or that he is back.

Took him long enough. But with Logan you settle with him being late, for it could have been never.

A small part of myself pushed my legs forward, trying to move me toward the door to head upstairs and greet him, to see how he was doing and maybe even dare ask him what he had been up to. We hadn't spoken in some time... But I didn't get very far. My stronger part kicking in, knowing that all that could wait.

So I went back to Scott. He was still dormant, in fact that seemed to be how he was most the time, maybe do in part that McCoy has been keeping him doped up on some pretty heavy drugs, especially with Scott's unpredictable behavior.

So I sat down on the edge of the bed. Closing my eyes. Listening to his breathing that was intertangled with the humming of the medical equipment, the sound of the air conditioner working its way through the ducts, his slow yet steady drumming of his heart. I also took in the smells... the way _he_ smelled. Like a mixture of medicines, the cotton of his clothes and the soft yet underlining scent that was all Scott.

It was then that my hand was grabbed, that I was thrown backwards and a large heavy object landed on top of my forcefully. My eyes shot open, seeing what I already knew to be true.

It was Scott. He was looking at me, although his eyes not seeing me. On top on me is such a manner that would have been considered provocative if the threatening fashion he was holding me and the way he squeezed my arms to make me not move didn't get in the way.

I squirmed, trying to find a way out from his firm hold on me. But the only way to do that was to take more drastic measures. To possibly hurt him. And I couldn't do that. After all he didn't know where he was, he didn't know who I was. I would be scared too, if not upset.

I went slack, becoming still underneath him. Trying not to seem threatening, so that maybe he would let me go on his own volition.

But he didn't. In fact his hold just got more severe. His hands on my arms more painful.

I couldn't let it continue. I had to get out of his hold. Had to somehow let Scott know that I wasn't their to harm or hurt him.

But my reasoning was gone, my ability to think was detained and I couldn't do anything but look at him, wondering how it had all come to that.

Then suddenly he jumped off of me, taking me roughly by the arms once more, he dragged me off the bed and threw me toward the wall. I crashed against it, yelping as I made contact.

I recovered rather slowly, he hadn't really hurt me, just had knocked the air out of me. When I finally brought my head up I saw that Scott was trying to feel his way out of the room, nearly tripping over some medical equipment and pushing over a couple vases that had held flowers. I watched as they crashed and splattered on the tiled floor. The piercing sound going unnoticed by Scott.

Getting off the ground I went to him quickly, trying to stop him, which he responded with a forceful push. I went after him again but he tried kicking me away.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I had to stop him, yes. But how?

That was when my mind decided to work, sending me a scenario that could possibly work.

I had to touch him.

Maybe then he would know. Know that I was with him.

So I took off my gloves, quickly, shoving them into the pockets of the jeans I had been wearing.

After that small task was complete, I ran up behind him, grabbing onto his arm as hard as I could, my skin nearly kicking in immediately. Faster than I had ever known it too. And for the first time in my life I was grateful for what it could do.

For Scott ceased what he was doing and faced me. And for the first time since I had found him, the first time in probably over two months, he opened his mouth and one word parted from it.

I let go of him aghast. Which made him reach out toward me, his hands seeking mine. He found my left one before I could back away from him. Scott tangled his fingers in mine, pulling me toward him as he breathed me in, the same time as my skin started to pull him inside me.

I knew I had to let go, had to get him to release me, but I was suddenly mesmerized by what was shooting into me, such a garble of things and strangled emotions that I couldn't seem to react.

But somewhere through it all I heard something. Someone was approaching the room.

Logan and McCoy.

I could partially make out their conversation, until it abruptly stopped. I heard the sound of running footsteps heading toward me. Logan must have known something was wrong, for while I had his senses, his were certainly fully functional as well.

I finally became aware enough to try to get my hand out of Scott's. But he wouldn't let go of me. And for each tug I tried, he strengthened his hold. I was starting to feel weak, yet at the same time renewed. An odd feeling that I had come to expect with my kind of touch.

My veins were just started to throb when the pressure on my hand disappeared. Reality coming back as the weightlessness of my body gradually dissipated.

The first thing I saw was Scott on the floor, he was still conscious, although very pale and his body had a tremor. As for me I felt that familiar agony behind my eyes that was becoming more intense with each passing breath. I tried to stop it like I had been able to do in the past, tried to curtail it's presence into the back of my mind. But there was no stopping it.

I barely closed my eyes before it reached it's peak.

McCoy and Logan arrived somewhere in the mist of it all, McCoy helping Scott up, and Logan trying to put a hand on me.

I yelled at Logan not to touch me. Suddenly feeling burning hostility rising up in me that was directed at him. Especially when I spat out his name. For he made me feel insecure and unsure. Feelings that I was supposed to be beyond. Too mature for those things to touch me. Flashes of hatred went thorough me, bitterness for how he made Jean look at him. Jealousy for how he made Rogue care for him so quickly.

I think Logan realized what was going on, especially after when he tried to help me again, I shot out blindly and punched him in the face, and although it didn't get him on the nose like I had wanted, it did graze his chin.

He cursed loudly, his harsh language filled with distress. Swiping away my hands that had been trying to block him from touching me again, Logan started to shake me. Yelling at me to get control of myself. Telling me that I was Marie. That he was my friend. And that he only wanted to help.

There was so much going on inside of my head. Some that was me, some that was Scott's, but inevitably all that was mine.

I backed away from Logan and traced my way through the lab, glad that I pretty much knew the area. I made it to McCoy's office and locked the door behind me. Making my way to the desk I found an extra pair of Scott's glasses that I knew the Doctor kept there.

Somehow being able to see again, and my vision being tinted in red, helped to clear my mind a little. It still took Ororo, who Logan had called down, to get me to leave the office, and much convincing and calm speech on her part to get me to leave the med lab as she slowly led me to my room. Moira showed up a couple minutes after and tried to get me to take some kind of pill. I kept refusing until she told me that Scott was ok, and felt like some sort of weakling as I threw the offered tabs in my mouth and swallowed them down with a mouthful of lukewarm water. She had a short talk with Ororo, something about that the Professor would be back shortly, and exited after leaving directions behind that I was not to be alone. As if that needed to be said.

Logan came to check on me, but Ororo, who was still with me wouldn't let him in. Wouldn't even open the door to speak to him, as she just talked through the solid wood.

I was pacing my room in a rather frenzied manner, and I could tell by the way her eyes were on me that she was concerned by what I might do. She above most knew how I could be. After all the last time she was with me when I was in one of those moods I had flung a fence at her... or to be more precise, the front gate. No doubt she didn't want something like that happening again.

Ororo stayed with me even when Jubilee came back from wherever she had been. By then I wasn't so jittery and seeing her helped even more. To the point where I was able to talk more coherently, and even sit down...

But those moments of peace were fleeting, for something slipped back into my conscious mind, tearing through the drugs that were drifting through my system.

The thing that had happened before Scott had grabbed hold of my bare hand. He had spoken!... One dry slurred word that had gushed forth from between his beautiful lips. I took it in my mind as if I was hearing it for the first time.

"_Rogue_."

And that was when some of his recent memories, thoughts and perceptions started coming back at me with a vengeance.

I grabbed my head and started to scream.


	40. Sunday November 21 2010

It Just wasn't right.

Not right at all.

I was supposed to help Scott, help ease the tension and the disarray that was going on around the mansion.

But instead I added to it. Considerably so.

I've never had things as bad as I did then, after Scott's conscious memories shot into me and dragged me into hell.

You think living with Magneto's memories... having nightmares about Logan's would have prepared me for the mentality that ate me whole and led me into that darkness.

But maybe it was because his memories were more recent. Not by gone years of a scared and lonely child. Not dim terrors of being tortured and probed.

Not fears about what I was or who I might be.

Just silence. Cold detachment and a penetrating stillness that was louder than Jubilee showing off on the fourth of July.

And then flashes.

Gushes of thoughts and emotions that brought me to reliving things.

Things that were better left alone. Things that were bad enough for him.

And now for me.

_Horrors._

Strangely his encounter with Jean wasn't like what the Professor once described to me in detail. It was more realistic than Jean rising from a watery grave. She was there when he arrived. Waiting for him. Beckoning him to come toward her which he did without hesitation. Embracing his long lost lover Jean started to take his life, to maybe make up for her breath that was once again flowing out from between her straight edged mouth.

There must be a balance. Death for a life.

Life for a death.

Before that there had been touching.

_Feeling._

_Alive._

And then his thoughts became mine.

For I was no longer me.

_I was him._

Jean was alive!

Love.

I love her. I missed her.

I feel her yielding mouth against mine.

And then a face flashes in my mind.

Rogue.

_Pain._

Sudden apprehension.

This can't be Jean.

Jean wouldn't do this.

Stop!

_Emptiness._

A vacuum devoid of everything.

My only sensation left is touch.

But that doesn't help.

For nothing feels familiar.

This isn't right.

Where am I?

Someone is touching me.

Hands on my body.

_Agony._

_Numbness._

Pricks against my skin.

Mouth opening.

I think I am screaming. But I can't really tell.

Jean!

Time passes.

Days. Who knows.

Months. Who cares.

_Death._

This is death.

_Nothingness._

All alone with my thoughts that are hard to form, memories that are too brutal.

_Bitterness._

It doesn't end.

Being moved again.

Hand on shoulder.

Tears on skin?

Down a narrow ramp.

Hands loosen.

I run.

And get nowhere.

Arms grab me from behind.

Forced down.

_Sleepy._

In and out I am emerge.

Something familiar.

Probing in my mind.

Am I doing that? Or?

It becomes stronger for a long second.

I can almost hear someone speak.

_**Scott.**_

But then it is gone.

_Alone again._

No not alone.

Someone is touching me again.

Feel breath against my face.

I back away.

More dreams.

More time passes.

_Awake._

Someone is sitting by me.

I try to escape.

Struggling I emerge from whatever room I had been in.

Cold air hits my face. Hands reach out for me.

I burst forth.

_But then stop._

Another sensation.

My numbness is not so dark.

Hands on me.

I am being consumed, drained..

I..

Rogue.

Rogue?

Contact is broken.

I reach out.

Find her.

Touch her.

And once more I try to escape.

Inside of her.

Don't let go of me.

_Hear me!_

Blackness once more...

And then my eyes opened. And I was me. Aware of that fact I felt strangely odd. Separated from the chaos that was my mind I flexed my hands, getting the feel of them, hands that seemed smaller than I remembered, maybe even softer.

It was during the middle of that when I felt I wasn't alone in my room. The sorta weighted feel that settles on someone when another presence was near settled on me. Only after slowly tilting my head right, I found on closer inspection that it wasn't even my room.

It was Logans'.

His scents. His bed. His wallet resting on the nightstand near my head. Him getting out of the chair beside the bed I was sleeping in and actually smiling when my concentration finally drifted toward him.

"You're awake!" he said, more animated than I was used to for him.

I tried to sit up, but he stopped me, laying a restraining hand on me and pushing me back down.

"Easy Marie.. take it easy.." His words came out softy, caressing me with a warmness that sometimes stirs in me when he speaks.

I brought my hands up to my ears, touching them, feeling them as if I forgot. My body still abnormally foreign to me.

"I can hear you!" I exclaimed rather breathlessly, looking up at Logan with slight uncertainty.

His brows rose up on his forehead, sitting down he pulled the chair closer to the bed. Still watching me. His mouth started to open.

But that was when I sorta figured out what I was doing. I was forgetting me.

I interrupted him.

"I... I didn't mean... " I shook my head in the large pillows that was holding up my head. "How's Scott?"

Logan seemed obviously relieved with that question. But also somewhat unwilling to answer it.

"Logan?.. He's ok right? Is he speakin'? Has he said anythin'? What am I doin' in _your_ room?"I inquired, my words gushing out of me so fast that they almost merged. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was ten in the morning. "Did I sleep all night?"

"Which question do you want me to answer first?" he said in a humoring manner, a twinkle in his eye that somehow made me think back to when I first met him.

"The hardest one."

His lips became a thin line at that. His eye contact with me more severe. Logan's light and frothy manner slipping off of him while being replaced by the straightforwardness that I actually expected from him, and desperately wanted.

"Kid." he started. Squirming slightly in his wooden chair as if he was trying to find a comfortable position. "Scott is fine.. Or I should say Scott is the same... Although he hasn't said anything... " Logan's face suddenly became rigid as did his body. "Why would you touch him like that Rogue?.. What were you trying to do?.. Kill yourself?.. And take him with you?"

Ok, so that was a little more sternness than I needed, and I had enough of a guilt complex already without him putting more logs on that fire.

Before I could say anything, his face softened, his hand reached out for mine and I saw the apology written in his expression, and the gently manner in which he held on to me.

"You had us worried Rogue.. You've been out for over two days.. You just slipped away from us... and .." that is when his voice got low, his words actually half choked as if he was trying to hold back something. But then it was gone. Quickly replaced by a small smile.

"You destroyed your room you know." Logan told me with such nonchalance and ill placed respect that I knew he spoke the truth.

"Destroyed it how?"

His smile got even wider, breaking into a full blown grin, his teeth making an impromptu appearance, since they usually only showed themselves when he snarled or when he was extremely pissed.

"How do you think?" Bringing up his right hand he lifted one of his fingers and pointed at me.

My hands made there way to my face, finding a pair of what were Scott's sleeping glasses. I hadn't even noticed that everything had been lined with red. Until then. Tugging I started to lift them off my eyes.

My world going from red, to half red to full blown color.

I blinked a couple times, trying to re-familiar myself with the sudden full range spectrum of the rainbow that engulfed everything.

"I don't remember doin' that."

"Hope you didn't have anything of value in there... because all you got now is a bunch of rubble, an extra door, and a balcony that isn't supposed to be there."

I laid there and took that in, my body suddenly overly uncomfortable. I tried to sit up again. Logan didn't try to stop me that time.

"Well I've always wondered what it was like sleepin' in your bed." The sentence coming out of me before I could put my hand up to my mouth to stop myself, realizing too late how that sounded. I rushed forth with more words, trying to get past what I had just said. "Where is Jubilee..? Y'didn't scare her off did you? Where are the others? I didn't hurt anyone did I?

"Questions again?" his expression took on a mockingly playful manner. Thankfully ignoring what I hadn't meant to say. "You know I am not one for questions. Let alone answers... Fireworks girl went to.." he suddenly closed his mouth shut and turned around in his chair.

There was a short knock. A loud "Yea Come in!" from Logan, and the door opened.

In came the Professor, followed closely behind by Jubilee.

Charles cool and collected as usual, Jubilee one of bursting excitement that caused her to practically jump on my bed squealing with delight as she hugged me with all her worth.

Logan and the Professor went into the corner of the room giving her and me a couple minutes. I could have made out what they were both saying, but discerning that from what Jubilee was shooting out was more than I wanted to deal with at the moment.

"Man what the heck happened to you? What did Scott do to you? Nobody will tell me exactly what happened. Although I have sort of heard things hear and there, but you now how gossip is during a crisis! Ten percent truth, ninety percent imagination and worse case scenarios.. You better be glad you are all right or I would have had to really injure you!." She brought her fist up toward me, shot it out toward me, stopped short of hitting me and just nudged me slightly. "You sure pull some drastic stuff! You know if you want attention there are easier ways to get it!" She lowered her voice a notch or two after looking over her shoulder carefully.

"Logan wouldn't leave your side.. Bobby has been even more restless than when you left for Canada and the rest of us have been scared out of our minds!"

She didn't give me a chance to offer her any kind of reply to any of her remarks.

"I've bet you have been going through it." Jubilee said, becoming more serious and perceptive. "And I know you are going to want to talk about it... Whether you believe that yourself or not... And.." The Professor came up behind her and put a hand on her arm. Jubilee rotated toward the touch, frowned at Xavier and then looked back toward me. "I'll come back.. Professor probably wants to talk to you now that you are awake... "

So Logan and Jubilee left Xavier and I alone. And of course a long conversation followed.

I explained to him why I _had_ to touch Scott. Wanting his understanding.

And then I told him about some of my too realistic memories that I had had to relive of Scott's.

The Professor actually blanched at some of the things I revealed.. And became unmoving and quiet for a couple long minutes as he became contemplative.

He finally looked up at me. His right had squeezing into a tight fist which he released when he saw me watching him. He lowered his hand onto his arm rest and took a couple small breaths.

"When you are feeling better Rogue.. Which will probably be a day or two with your constitution and Logan's healing capabilities.." His mouth curved upward, and then fell back down as if a heavy weight was in them. "We will have a longer talk.. there are some things that you and I need to discuss.. But for now just rest.. and try not to think too much.. "He added, probably knowing full well that was usually impossible." Especially for me. "If you have any difficulties with any of your.. other personalities. Just let me know.. I can assist you with that."

He became less austere.

"Logan was quite insistent about you staying in his room, he wanted to keep an eye on you personally. Nearly got into a scuffle with Hank when the Doctor tried to take you to the medical ward. " He frowned at that, obviously not pleased. "For a person that supposedly doesn't care about anyone but himself, he sure does have an unhealthy balance of gallantry."

Carefully backing up he exited the room. Any more questions that I had been wanted to ask died on my lips.

They could wait.

So Jubilee came back. We talked for two somber hours. Logan peeking in at least three times to make sure I was all right. I guess he thought Jubilee might be killing me off with her talkative manner, if the way Logan's face scrunched up every time his gaze clamped on Jubilees small body was anything to go by.

Noticing my computer that had obviously been brought from the med lab, where I had fortunately left it, I managed to convince Jubilee to give it to me. Quickly hiding it under my covers when anyone else came near.

It seems heavier than I remember. And I can't seem to type as fast as I used to. I guess I do feel a little sluggish. But the feeling has already started to fade away over these past two days.

Uh Oh. Logan is back. He had brought me some food, and a very disapproving look along with him.

If his stare could cause damage, my computer would explode in my lap.

I have to go.


	41. Tuesday November 23 2010

The Professor was right. It didn't take me long at all to recover. But that was partly due to him. I know he helped me once again, pushing the turbulent voices in my head down into a hole that was covered and buried. I still hear them though. Soft suggestions, internal questions answered back in a voice that is not mine.

What would I do if I didn't have the Professor? If he didn't do this for me?

What would I become? What would I be?

And why do I not feel as grateful as I should?

_Dependency._

Yes, that is it.

I've tried. I really have, but as the years pass, control seems just a word, not something that is attainable. I want to be able to help myself. To be able to tell my mutation what to do, not have it leading me, shoving me places that I don't want to go. As it tries to teach me the dark side of life from too many points of views.

Not that it is all bad. Not that learning certain things about a person is all horrible.

It's just that I can't pick and choose.

They all come together, in a chaotic little package wrapped in nitroglycerin that always explodes when it makes contact with me.

But enough about that.

I left Logan's room as soon as I was able. I was too comfortable staying there, which was making me feel uncomfortable. Which is how things are with me.

I walked down the hallway, dusty particles seemed to be lining certain areas the further I got toward my room. Continuing forward I came to where the rug was singed and the walls were scorched. I could tell that the larger elements of my destruction had been cleared out, just not totally cleaned. I paused, angled my head to the right, my body following that movement until I was facing and staring at the extra opening that was next to my door. When it no longer held my interest I lowered my head and walked through it.

I surveyed everything quickly as I entered. Logan was right, I had demolished it.

First thing my eyes were drawn to was a plastic tarp that was covering the outside of a hole in my wall. A large hole. The sheet was flapping against the wind, distracting and almost taunting.

There was glass and other broken items littering my carpet, photos that had been crushed under things, trinkets that were broken. My dresser nearly split in half with burned clothes sticking out. Ones that were past ruined. There was a large aperture in front of my bathroom which created a makeshift window that showed off my sink along with fractured glass that was barely hanging on to my shattered mirror.

I lowered my head, then leaned down, my hand reaching, feeling a penetrating jab on my index finger that didn't stop me from getting what I had been aiming for.

I lifted up the framed picture, the first thing I had seen that was intact, tilting it to an angle as I lifted it and my body up, glass and splintered wood fell of it, leaving the photo free to be seen.

It was an old picture. One I hadn't looked at in forever. Bobby had given it to me on our six week anniversary, it had a beautiful sterling silver frame, that held in it a picture of the two of us, which when I had gotten it, hadn't even known had been taken of us. We both looked rather happy. Bobby with a huge grin, me with one of those faraway looks on my face.

I had put it away a long time ago, in the bottom of my drawer where I put all my clutter and junk or things I just couldn't throw away. Never thought about it again.

I found myself taking the photo out of the frame after I turned the thing around. Pulling the picture out, I found it partially folded. I opened it all the way up. Squinting I brought the picture closer to my face and took a better look at it.

The part that had been folded over was where John had been standing off on the side. He had his lighter open, a small flame going, a look on his face that was directed toward Bobby's back and mine. Anger and frustration. Even contempt.

And jealousy.

"Those were the days." I heard behind me, the sound of someone making there way into my room over all the crud and crap.

I was just about to tell the person they should have knocked when the absurdity of that hit me.

"Sunshine and laughter, the scent of roses and strawberry shampoo. Cheeseburgers and french fries, late nights when we pretended to be studying." I faced the speaker, bright blue eyes catching mine, ones that held a little mirth and obvious regret. "Do you ever miss those days Rogue?"

I straighten up, causing more crushing sounds from underneath my shoes. The noise reminding me that unfortunately I would have to do some dreadful shopping soon, to try to replace some of the items and clothes that had been lost during my, well, ... incident. Even the suitcase that I had yet to unpack from Canada, which I had placed in the corner, looked like it too had been caught in the middle of the battle, yet didn't look as bad as most of my other stuff, which made me hope that something inside it was salvageable. I was lucky I had anything to wear as it was and for once I was happy with Jubilee's knack for always borrowing my clothes and taking forever to return them.

"Sometimes." I admitted to him after my thoughts of clothes finished filtering through my brain. I wasn't really in the mood for becoming reminiscent but his lighthearted tone made me more indulgent and less reluctant. "Things weren't so complicated then.. Life was just school, boys and wantin' t'be an X-men." Of course then I had had Logan on my mind more than was deemed healthy, but I wasn't about to voice that to Bobby.

"Is that all?" He smiled at me, his voice one of encouragement to continue.

"No.. of course not.. I.."

"Yes?"

I made my way to my dilapidated bed, shoved some stuff of it and after inspecting it carefully, I sat down.

I glanced back over toward Bobby, who was standing in the front of my room. A picture behind him crooked and hanging off the wall, my lamp to the left of him crushed on the floor, the shade that I had picked out to replace the one that had been there when I first arrived, crumpled and bent. But the nightstand it had been on was untouched. Even my alarm clock was still plugged in, the time correct.

"I was also a fool then." I said after I was done with my observation, my attention slowly returning back to Bobby. He had his left hand on his watch, slowly turning the device around his right wrist. Something he used to do when he was nervous or contemplative. He stopped for a moment, his concentration on what I had just said.

"A fool? How so?" I heard the curiosity in his voice. I felt his penetrating gaze, and I knew I had to finish what I started.

"When I first came here, I thought that they were goin' t'be able t'cure me, t'help me t'touch.. but.."

"But?"

"When I was told that wasn't so, I barely had time to think about that before I was captured by Magneto. And then I found myself on top of the world, lights beneath me, and then death coming for me.. I suddenly realized something.."

"What's that?" He took two slow steps toward me.

"That with touch comes pain, and I was better off without it."

"But you still don't believe that." Bobby said, in a way that he knew I knew that as well.

I laughed softly at that.

"No but I was still a fool.. for even after all that I believed a way would present itself where I would be capable of _true_ contact." I stood up, shook my head. "Well that's enough depressing talk for today.. I thought maybe I would clean some of this mess up, but I don't think I am up to it at the moment."

I made a mental note to pick up my suitcase later and then I passed by him, the remnants of what was once my room slowing me down as I tried to step through and around them.

"Rogue?"

"Huh?" I walked out into the hallway, looking past my right shoulder I glanced at him.

"I've missed you."

I smiled at him, watching as he came toward me. A curious expression molded on his face.

"I missed y'too Bobby, and I even missed this room." I brought a hand up gesturing past him toward the havoc. "Even now I still feel as if it is a part of me."

He didn't seem to hear what I was saying, a debate was obviously going on in his mind. Bobby seemed to come out of it slowly, his face slowly rising until he was at eye level.

"Do you love him?" He spluttered, becoming nervous right before my eyes. But then as if it was something he could turn off, he became more cool, more levelheaded as he waited for my response.

"Does it matter to y'if I do?" I asked, bypassing what was going to be a more sharp remark that wanted to shoot out of my mouth.

"Yes.Yes it does."

I pondered on what he just said. Suddenly wishing that someone would pass us and interrupt us. But of course the one time I wouldn't have minded, not one person was in sight, just Bobby.

"I can't answer that question Bobby."

He seemed confused at what I said. He tilted his head to the side, one of his eyebrows raised as he deeply gazed at me.

"Why not?" I heard an inflection of anger in his tone. And I saw how tense he had become just from a couple words that had come from me.

"Because how can I tell _you_ what I feel toward him, when I haven't even told him?"

He was about to say something when finally someone else decided to walk down the hallway. I could have jumped up in down with appreciation if doing that was in my nature.

My conversation with Bobby was becoming a little too intense. And the was he was looking at me. I didn't want to think about that.

"Hey girl I though I heard you.. you hungry?.. We can make you a Sandwich, but of course we are out of turkey so would bologna be ok? Wait.. Logan might have eaten that all .. well we can always grab something.. although I will drive of course or Kitty could.. you should still be resting."

It was Jubilee of course, she had Kitty with her, who was glancing between Bobby and me. I waited for her face to become hard, and full of accusations, but other than the glance, there was nothing else.

Jubilee latched on to me, both her and Kitty dragging me away. I didn't protest. Although I did spare a look for Bobby who we were leaving behind.

He was just standing there unmoving. His back still turned around facing where I had been. A part of me realized then, that our conversation was probably far from over.

I ended up having lunch with Kitty, Jubilee and Ororo. Of course it was one of those rare instances where we didn't have much food so Kitty ordered a pizza, which we had to wait on the front porch for, or else it would have been taken by any number of hungry students. Smuggling a hot pizza inside a school isn't the easiest thing. But we managed it. Stealing away to Ororo's plant room, which was a little humid, but empty, we settled and ate there. The pizza was good, but the cold lemonade that was luckily grabbed, tasted even better.

I almost forgot what hanging out was like. Talking and joking and laughing. Being with friends...

When Ororo had to return to class we all promised one another that we would have to spend more time with one another...

Making an excuse to Kitty and Jubilee who wanted me to go shopping with them, both knowing I was short on clothes, yet obviously not on excuses, I sought the Professor out, finding him in the library with a student he was tutoring. I waited patiently for him to finish.

Going to his office when he was complete I trailed after him, closing the door behind us. He motioned for me to sit down, which I did. Instead of going behind his desk he stayed by me. I knew whatever he was going to say was going to be personal, and important. And very serious, his determined body language making that clear.

At first we made short talk for a couple minutes. Him asking me if my new room he had temporarily assigned me to was satisfactory. How I was doing. How I felt.

But we then got the more serious matters. Things about Scott and Jean.

Mostly Jean. Telling me everything to the point where the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' suddenly became a reality I might have been willing to live in.

He told me what happened the day she left. How he had been working with her on recovering her memories. And how that day they finally made a break though for with his help she regained them.

Almost two years of her life open to her, as the small puzzle pieces fit back into her mind and reformed her. Doing so made her black out.

When she awoke was when she destroyed the lab. Disappearing, only leaving the metal door that had been torn right off its hinges. He let me know how disappointed he was that he hadn't stayed with her, watched over her. And for the first time since I have met him I heard guilt mixed with near self loathing over what he hadn't done but supposedly should have. I've never known the Professor to question himself before. Especially never in front of someone. And although the evidence of those feelings passed relatively fast, too quickly for me even to try to utter some assurances. I knew that the showing of such things, especially coming from him would stick in my mind for a while. Even if what told me next nearly made me forget about it all together.

"She was tortured Rogue, probed. Used in experiments and examined... I also believe there was another telepath present who was rearranging her mind..." Xavier went on to explain how hurt and vulnerable she must have been when they found her, which enabled them to take advantage of her so easily... How they kept her drugged most of the time.

"Rearranging?" I gasped, trying to fathom everything that was being said. Living through lifetimes, let alone many outlooks of being purposely afflicted and hurt, and still hearing about it shook me. Anger overpowering my fear as I listened on.

"Changing memories, experiences, making them darker, harsher. More terrible. ."

"But why?" I wondered briefly if Jean was aware of those altered memories when she was back with us? I think I remember Xavier saying something about how her remembrances were a little off, but he just put that down as tension, especially since part of her memory was gone, which maybe could have had an adverse affect on recalling earlier experiences in her life correctly.

"They wanted her angry. They believed doing so would bring forth her more destructive side, the side they believed more powerful.. and they wanted that.. For the stronger Jean got, the more powerful they could get.. They were working on a way to transfer mutation into a human being. So they would have a fighting chance against us. The mutants."

"They bein' The Friends of Humanity." I whispered. More of a statement than a question. Remembering how the base had started being built after Jean had been lost to us all those years ago. Some things started to make sense. I remembered how they had been looking for other females a while back, how they almost killed Jubilee and managed to capture Kitty. But did that have anything to do with what they had been doing to Jean? I might never know.

"Yes." He said in a very delayed manner, I had almost forgotten what I had said to him. Xavier closed his eyes brought his hands up to his face, which he let out a loud sigh in.. "They actually funded the whole thing from research done on Jean."

I felt ill with his words. The Professor not looking much better, but he had been living with the knowledge for a while, so his emotions were more even.

I found it too easy to believe that all that had been done to Jean. Her fluctuating moods, her dark moments. Her projected fear. How she gravitated toward Logan. I felt more than sympathetic for her then, knowing at too many levels what it was like to be someone's play thing as they were cut into, probed and defiled by another human being. No wonder Jean woke up with fury in her belly after she realized what had been done to her. We were lucky she didn't do any more damage.

"Why did she try to kill Scott?" I inquired after a couple moments of dark ponderings. I was standing at that point. My arms tightly clenched around my middle. I took a couple steps past Xavier's desk, then twirling around I faced him, waiting for him to illuminate everything so I didn't feel so disoriented.

"Remember in her mind she did, I believe that was some kind of suggestion that was placed inside of her.. almost like a dream.. something that was played over and over until she almost believed it to be true. And when she saw Scott again, without thinking she went through that scenario again, believing it was just her unconscious mind dreaming again, except that time something must have snapped.."

Xavier paused. Rolled over and poured himself a glass of water from a pitcher that was on his desk. He offered me some, but I declined. Taking a couple long swallows of the drink, he put the cup down and came back toward me.

"You see they wanted her to kill Scott, I think somehow they figured out she was trying to contact him telepathically. When they realized what she was doing, they decided to put it to there advantage, for if she killed the man she loved.. Well surely she would be lost to herself.. But when she didn't they lost their overpowering hold on her."

"Do y'know where she is..?" I asked the inevitable. Even if I pretty much knew that answer.

"We have been looking for her for some time now, but she has pretty much vanished. Every once and a while I will detect her with cerebro, but her readings are not anything definite, and nothing that pin points her or helps."

Our conversation went on. By the time I left his office I knew what kind of life I had returned to. I also wondered how long it would be until Jean was heard from again. For some reason I didn't believe it would be another two years...

It's interesting how much opening your mouth and sending forth speech can drain you. I had a slight headache for the rest of the day. But that didn't stop me from visiting Scott.

Moria was down in the lab when I went. She made me leave the door open when I went in to see him.

I sat with him for a while. Right when I arrived he seemed to know I was there, his face actually lightening up, as his lips curved upward. At first I didn't make a move to touch him. I didn't think he would try what he did before, but well, to tell you the truth, I was a little wary of him. But eventully I reached out for him taking his hand in mine. He grasped it sofly, squuezed it gently and then brought it up to his face which he brushed past his mouth and chin slowly, taking his time as he leaned into my glove. Bringing both our hands back down he spent the rest of the time caressing my hand, his fingers entertwined with mine.

I spoke to him for a while, half expected him to say something in response. But I was disappointed. To tell the truth what he was doing to my hand also left me distracted. Such simple touch and yet it twisted my insides in a painfully pleasing manner. A couple times I even found myself holding my breath.

My heart was heavy when I left him behind, Moria said something that was supposed to make me feel better, while patting me softly on the back.

I tried to listen to what she was saying with that pleasant sounding accent of hers, but my mind was buzzing as it suddenly became focused on something else other that what the Professor and I had been talking about.

I wanted Scott back.

The one who comforted me, who held me, who laughed at my stupid jokes and told ones of his own. Who looked at me in such a way that sometimes my legs felt wobbly, and my balance unsure. The one who held his own with Logan. The one who told me that he loved me. The one who was full of strength and vitality, control and unexpected playfulness. The one who made me feel more complete than I had in a long time.

And while that person is in that small room in the med lab, he is lost in a shell. A shell that has to be cracked.

If not for his sanity, then for mine.


	42. Sunday November 28 2010

It a confusing and unneedfully complicated time for me in the mornings. For morning means Breakfast.

The Erik in me wants crepes, the John in me wants cheerios with an overdose of sugar on top, Scott wants bran flakes with raisons and a bowel of fruit, and the Logan in me wants fatty pork sausages with blueberry pancakes.

I won't even get into the others.

That is why I usually end up with just a glass of orange juice. If anything.

But sometimes those craving become overwhelming. So of course this morning had to be one of those times. There I was making pancakes, sausage frying in a pan and a bowel of mixed cereal on the counter; bran flakes with cheerios, sugar, raisons and maybe even a couple other additives on top.

Everyone in me wanted to be fed. So well, I was trying to appease them.

But the moment the sausage was done, after I put the just cooked things on my plate, I felt sick to my stomach and had a urge to gag. There was no way I was going to eat it. No matter how strong the voice in my head was.

I was just about to throw the pork down the garbage disposal when Logan came in. I stopped what I was doing and raised an eyebrow. He responded with a shrug of the shoulder and I gave them to him.

He had them eaten before I even grabbed the rest of my food to sit down at the empty table. I saw he was eyeing some of the pancakes on my plate. I pointed past him, he turned around, faced where I was directing him toward, grabbed an extra plate, then he joined me. Good thing I made some extras. But sometimes you have to do that, people are always showing up around here when you are eating something.

"You're up kinda early this morning." Was his preamble into conversation. I had just about said the same thing to him. But by his shaggy appearance, I thought perhaps he hadn't even been to bed yet. I also had a feeling he wouldn't even had come to the kitchen if he hadn't known I was alone...

I didn't feel it necessary to ask what he had been up to, so I just nodded my head and got busy with eating my cereal.

Crunch, Crunch. Swallow. Swallow.

Logan was used to me eating strange concoctions, so what I was shoving in my mouth didn't really get any kind of response from him.

He asked my to pass the butter which I had fortunately had on the table already, and after I gave it to him, he spread a huge glob of it on top of his pancakes. For some reason seeing him do that made me want to also, so grabbing the butter back from him I did the same.

He made a guttural sound at that, a thing that sounded vaguely like a subdued laugh.

"Still?" He gave me one of his smirks and I knew what he was saying. Of course he probably knew as soon as he saw me almost eating sausage, which I myself hate. Pork. Ugh.

"Yep."

"Not very talkative this morning are you?"

"Nope."

I had enough of the cereal and starting in on the large blueberry pancakes. I closed my eyes and took a forkful, sighing as I tasted that I made them just right.

"Good?" Logan asked me.

"Mmm."

So we finished eating, talking a little as we did so. I cleaned up the mess and I found that Logan and I were heading outside. He sat down on the bench on the outside deck and I remained standing. Walking to the edge, leaning on the railing I looked out at the grass, and flowers, some that were brown and dying due the changing season. When I smelled the faint aroma of smoke I knew Logan was lighting a cigar.

I went back toward him, his inquiring eyes on me. Reaching into my pocket I brought some money out, I had been carrying it with me for a while, just never had the opportunity to give it back to him.

"What's This?" He clutched his cigar between his teeth as he questioned me, his words coming out sounding strangled.

"The money y'lent me, I have been meanin' t'give it back t'you."

He angled his head a little, stood up and shoved the money into his tight jean pocket.

"I normally wouldn't take this, but I heard you had a good paying job."

"I 'spose I am alright at the moment."

"And all you did was translate a little French?" Anyone else would have believed his comment to be very derogatory, but I myself knew better.

"Well it was that or bar fightin', but beatin' up drunken reprobates would have been a little borin', so I opted for the secretarial position."

"Seeing you fighting would have been far more interesting than seeing you answer a phone."

"Would you have betted on me?"

"Depends on the odds."

I didn't mention to him the fact that Jubilee had dragged me to a bar while we had been up in Canada. How we had sat there for two hours as she cheered on the half naked men in the large cage as she whooped and hollered as they tried to kill each other. Us getting hit on so many times that even Jubilee got sick of it. I can recall the smells, the sounds and the whole smoky atmosphere. The fact the we won $87 dollars betting on a large man called Lucky Loon, not making the place seem any less dreary. Although the Logan in me was thrilled and right at home. I wish I didn't even have to mention how hard I had to stop myself from getting in that human cage and taking on someone myself...

But enough about this morning. Let's fast forward a little ways.

Xavier finally broke through the mind blocks in Scott's head. And now he can at least talk to him telepathically. That happened about an hour after breakfast, maybe even sooner, since I found out when I went to visit him. The Professor hadn't even bothered to get me, but he was too obviously to busy "talking" to Scott.

Some of the things that Scott told the Professor to tell me, once he discovered I was in the room with him, should have utterly embarrassed me, but instead I found I was smiling.

And of course I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but Xavier told me to let them go for a while, to just accept what was, and worry about the past later.

So I did just that.

Scott told the Professor that he wanted me to go closer to him. So I did that to.

And when he brought his hands out, used me to steady himself up to stand, and then wrapped his hands around me, our first real embrace in quite a while. I leaned on him. Closing my eyes. Feeling his strong hands around me as I listened to our hearts beat in different intervals.

We stayed like that for a while. Charles making a discreet exit as he gave us some privacy. Just being near Scott I knew that things were going to be ok, that he was going to be ok. That everything was going to be fine. After a couple moments, he pushed me a little ways from him. Reaching out he touched my shoulder, then slowly dragging it upward he wrapped his fingers in my hair. Before I knew what he was doing he brought some strands of hair upward, placed it over my lips after a couple of attempts at finding them and then kissed me, half on, half off my mouth. I hardly felt him against me, yet it was nice and such a tender gesture. Hair and all.

But before things went to any other levels, we were interrupted when unceremoniously McCoy came in, obviously aware of the news and wanting to do more tests. Poor Scott. Although knowing his friend was performing them must have helped. Moira, who I think he might have known also is no longer with us. Some sort of emergency in Scotland involving her son.. From the little I have heard, he himself is a mutant although something or another is wrong with him.

Getting off track again..

Anyway.

So things were looking better then. Things _are _getting better.

I guess I should write that I have gotten back into the habit of doing some things around here. Keeping myself occupied, as I keep a watch on Scott. It has helped in keeping my attitude more positive, not giving me time to delve into darker considerations...

The only other interesting thing that happened today was what occurred on the 6 o'clock news earlier tonight.

I never what much TV, let alone the news, but I had been babysitting along with Ororo and we had been in the REC room and one of the kids had flipped to a channel and stopped. His eyes glued to the screen. The way he was staring at it grabbing my attention. As I shifted to take in what he was peering at so closely.

The picture was showing what looked to be a burning building, one that was crumbling and not far form being totally destroyed.

And the bold words flashing across the screen were also an attention grabber.

**Mutants Attack Friends of Humanity Base!**

Everyone became extremely quiet then, the rambunctious kids we were watching calmed down, and some even sat down. Even the younger ones. The first time I had seen some of them still that entire tonight.

Ororo grabbed the remote from the suddenly dazed kid and turned up the volume.

A middle aged man, his hair flying in all direction along with a light beige jacket was yelling into the camera.

Here is about what he said.

Something about how the base was attacked earlier that night, no signs or warnings. Out of the 52 people that had been on duty that night 12 had been injured. The guy went on to speculate about who did it. I faintly listened to that as I focused on the catastrophe behind him. Fire trucks, cop cars, people running by, people walking by assisted by medical personal. It certainly was a mess.

When the guy went into a speech about how the attack was unprovoked and how there was supposedly no reason in the whole world for any one to ever want to attack such law abiding, upright citizens, who were just trying to make the world safer for human beings, that is when Ororo pressed the mute button. And then as if in afterthought just turned the TV off.

That news reporter is obviously badly informed. As most seem to be nowadays. Maybe I should enlighten him with an anonymous e-mail. As if that would do any good.

Ororo glance at me, we shared a mutual look and then for the next twenty minutes we had to answer questions from hyper active, too young to probably understand, children.

"Who did we think did it?"

"Why did they do it?"

"Were the X-men going to go help?"

"Were the X-men going to stop it?

"When was the world going to be safe?"

"Are we going to be next?"

On and on. Answering questions that I myself didn't have answers to, but tried to make it sound like I did. Ororo too was having difficulties coming up with certain things, and when we both felt like we had had enough, she announced that it was time for them to get ready for bed.

Of course that elicited a couple groans and moans, but the interrogation was over. At least for today.

But here I am now, and I am still thinking about that news. I watched it again with Jubilee when she came back from a date she had been on, it repeated itself at 10.

"Do you think it is Magneto like they suggest?" She inquired of me, with her absolute attention still on the flashing screen. She too had muted the volume, but had turned on the captions so she could read what they said.

I oddly answered that question with assurance and certainty.

"No."

"How can you be so certain?" This time she did spare me a quick look.

I rapped on my head a couple times.

"I just am."

So that leaves me thinking. Maybe it could have been Magneto, just not him directly. He could have directed some of his brotherhood to do it.

But that doesn't seem right either. I really don't believe he had anything to do with it.

Guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Like it always is when news like that makes itself known.


	43. Tuesday November 30 2010

Waking up can in itself be a very good feeling... The start of a new day. New adventures. New experiences.

_Unless you have problems._

Then you wake up, feel like that for about 2.5 seconds until you realize that you have difficulties still transpiring and that to get up is to have to face them once again.

I'm not afraid to admit that on more than one occasion I have brought the covers back over me, closed my eyes and forced myself back to sleep.

So when I woke up yesterday, saw after looking at my clock that it was only 1:30 in the morning, and I had only slept five hours. I was ready to go back to dream world.

To my sometimes only form of escape...

_Only._

That feeling was gone.

Completely.

The weight of heaviness and emotional turmoil.. Gone.

Something was different.

I felt it. _I knew it._

I pushed the covers off my body, sat up in my bed and stared into the vast darkness that was my new room. I waited for the feeling to fade, but with each breath I took, the emotional well being in side of me grew.

Finally ditching my bed I turned on my bedside lamp. Looking at the room I was staying in that was so bare, the only sign that I even lived there was some clothes in the drawers, articles in the bathroom and my computer on the wooden desk.

I left the room about the same time my eyes adjusted to the new found light. Grabbing a robe on the way out I slipped it on.

I expected to find the halls empty, which they were, but they weren't dark like I supposed. And It wasn't just the usual night light that lined all the hallways that terminated that fact.

Scott's bedroom light was on. His door open.

I was heading in that direction before that tidbit had totally registered in my mind. And when I finally stopped at the door, peered slightly in and saw Scott sitting on his bed, his back turned to me, I was surprised. Wondering if he got up there on his own, wondering if Hank released him from the medical ward.

Wondering. _Wondering._

I was about to knock on the side of the door, but I stopped, knowing he wouldn't be able to hear me.

So I walked in. Went slowly around the room and stopped in front of him.

He seemed to be staring off in space.

Bringing my hand up in front of him, I waved it in front of his face, once more feeling like some sort of idiot since of course he couldn't see my hand.

_But I was wrong._

His hand flashed out and caught mine in his, it startled me so much that I flung backwards and nearly lost my balance. The fact that I wasn't wearing gloves, not even part of that jitteriness.

"Are you ok?" I saw his mouth move, heard his soft voice and once more I was stunned. Freaked out. Dumbfounded.

_Scott had just spoken to me_! Scott who was getting off the bed, and heading toward me, and.. Yes! Looking at me.

"Scott!" His name burst out of me as if I had had the wind knocked out of me.

He placed his hand on my clothed arm, and then started to smile. Such a simple gesture that befuddled me beyond reason.

"Do you know how much I have missed hearing you say my name? Especially the way _you _say it?" He gazed at me, staring at me rather obsessively as his hold on me became stronger.

"How?.. How?.." I was flustered and suddenly nervous.

"Long? A couple hours. I was going to wake you, but wanted to take a shower first. _A real one_. In my own bathroom.. my own room. I actually almost feel human again."

I already knew he had done just that. For one he smelled differently, more like I remember. More like he used to.

"Are y'ok?" I questioned him, my voice lower than a whisper yet he heard, for he flinched, reacting to my words as if I had yelled them.

Scott maneuvered me toward the bed, sat me down on it and then settled down by me.

He grinned, frowned and then went totally blank.

"It's funny, I have never heard things so vividly before, seen things so luminous, nor ever thought I would get to the point in my life where I would love the sound of my own voice."

He told me briefly how the Professor was able to totally break through all of whatever had been done to him. I noticed how he failed to mention Jean's name but didn't pursue that. Or at least I thought I wasn't until my mouth opened.

"Scott do y'want t'talk about what happened t'you?"

He laughed bitterly at that. Giving me an odd look.

"Not you too?" He shook his head, brought his hand up and started rubbing his temples in a agitated manner. "The Professor has been in my head almost a week. I have showed him what happened to me, explained to him what I felt.. To tell you the truth I feel like I have purged enough of it for now, and am _sick _of thinking about it let alone having to talk about the whole crappy experience once again."

His tone was harsh and brittle, some of the words more colorful explicates than what I have written, that punctuated his aggravation.

I looked away from him. Staring at the window in front of us. It was wide open, some bitterly cold air drifting in though the screen which blew against the heavy fabric of the drawn curtains.

"I.. I kinda already know what happened t'you and I understand... especially since you .." I gulped too loudly to my ears, and managed to finished what I was trying to say. "touched me last time." I didn't like bringing that up, as if I was accusing him of some wrongdoing. But I did want him to know that I sympathized with what he was going through, for after all I myself only got a small dose of it, and that was enough to send me to berserksville.

"So that was you.. I ... I mean of course it was you.. I just.. I don't know.. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I hadn't meant to." He got off the bed and went to the window staring out of into the dark expanse.

"I've had a lot of time to think Rogue, too much time." He turned around and looked at me, rubbing the back of his neck as he did so. "I really don't think Jean meant to hurt me either."

I heard what he said, and _how_ he said it. And I didn't like any of it.

"Scott she tried t'kill you!" I sprung off the bed, my voice loud and exasperated. I tried to reign in my deep rooted hostility about the whole matter, and managed to stop myself from shaking him or pushing him in order to try to force my point through...

Something happened to Scott when I said those couple words, his lips became tightly pressed together and he twisted away from me. As if he couldn't face me.

I gave him a moment and then walked back around him, being greeted with a sight I don't see very often, especially not from him.

A deeply depressed Scott. His jaw was set and rigid. His face full of deep emotion. I knew that if his mutation didn't make it difficult for him to cry, that he would have been. He still wouldn't look at me, his face turned downward looking at the rug, or maybe even at my feet.

"I saw her Scott," I uttered, causing him to bring his head back up, his eyes snapped on me for a second and then past me as he listened to what I said. "..after.. after we lost you.. she wasn't herself.. maybe you're right, maybe she didn't mean to.. Who am I t'say what she tried t'do t'you? You've known her far longer than I have.. did." I tried to put belief in what I said, tried to make it sound like I meant what was pouring out of me. But all that was still raw to me, and talking to Scott about it was like pouring acid on an already cut and open wound. Although if I felt like that, surely he felt 10x worse.

He listened to what I said, standing there very still. And then he looked down at me, appearing grateful for what I said, as his posture became less austere.

"I'm sorry I left you.. I should have never gone, especially not without discussing it with you... Or anyone else."

I offered him nothing at that, although my eyes did start to mist over. Because I was happy, because I was overwhelmed. Or because of so many other things.

Scott opened his arms to me, and I fell into them, crying into his shoulder as I tried to get everything straight in me. Him tightening his hold on me as I did, whispering to me again that he was sorry, and that I wasn't to worry... that everything was going to be fine... Wasn't it I who was supposed to be comforting him?

We stayed in his room a little while longer, avoiding talking about Jean and about his months of torture. Or I should say he was avoiding it, and once I figured that out, I just helped him do so. I guess our previous four minute conversation was enough for a while. Which was fine with me.

It didn't take long for me to get comfortable with him again. Both of us sitting on his couch. Watching each other, smiling, even a little laughter.

There were no more tears that night.

About an hour or so later Scott talked me into going for a drive with him. He felt the need to get outside, to drive.. to be away from houses and homes and walls.

So we drove for about two hours. Stopping at an all night Diner on the way back.

Him eating a cheeseburger, french fries, chicken strips.. and then a huge chocolate malt. Devouring everything as if the world was ending in twenty minutes. Scott's actions making my food actually taste better than it probably was.

As we drove back Scott turned the radio on, soft jazz music enveloping us both in a soothing cocoon. Me not being able to take my eyes off him, which when he noticed sent a blush into my cheeks that he probably could see even in the dimly lit car.

_Man I missed him._ Looking at him in the dark, where imaginations can run more wild, I allowed my mind to linger in moments as I thought back to how his hands had on more than one occasion already that night, brushed past my leg, my arm, my neck.

When we parked in the garage after we returned, my gaze was still on him. When he took the keys out of the ignition and looked back at me I suddenly felt cold.. and warm.. and...

I've never wanted someone so badly, or been so overwhelmed with the feeling of actual love that I found myself unsure of what to do. Usually at instances such as what I was experiencing, I could differ or listen to everyone in my head as they offered me advice, showed me similar circumstances or urged me on. But for the first time in quite a while, they were strangely quiet.

When the automatic garage lights flickered out and turned themselves off, that it when my reality hit me. I broke my concentration on him and got out of the car quickly, making my way to the door that would lead back into the house.

I just had my hand on the doorknob, was about to turn it, when my hand was knocked lightly away as my body was turned around by a pair of very strong hands. I was backed slowly against the door as Scott pressed into me. He didn't say anything to me. Not one word. But there was something in his eyes. Something I knew was reflected in mine.

He stepped away from me slowly and took his jacket off, throwing it onto a nearby work bench. Scott then looked down at my body and then brought his hands down toward me. Using drawn out, yet fluid movements he unzipped my coat and took it off me, keeping one hand around me, his attention still on me as well. He tossed my coat on top of his.

I didn't know what was happening. Us in the dark garage, both of our breathing becoming more pronounced, especially with how cold it was in there. But I wasn't thinking and I didn't want to .

He cornered me against the door again, his hard body nearly melding into mine. All thoughts of what I had gone through over the last couple of months and how much I had missed him making all his movements toward me that much more pronounced.

Scott started to breath me in, his mouth suddenly near my left ear as he moved my hair to the side. He kissed me gently, making his way down my neck until I felt him bite quickly into my skin. Something I hadn't been expecting.

He tilted my head up slightly, his hand barely touching my skin as it brushed down my chin to the hollow in my throat.

With my extreme senses I could actually smell how out scents were mixing together as his touches continued.

It was intoxicating. But then it suddenly stopped.

Scott took a couple steps away from me.

"I should stop.. I don't want to.. but if I don't now.."

"Scott..."

"I can't. If I don't I won't be able to quit until your skin brings me inside of you.. and that is not something I want you to have to deal with."

"It's ok. Scott. I can protect us both.. for a little while anyway."

"How?"

"Just kiss me and I'll show you."

He didn't move. So I did.

Three small steps was all it took. One hand being brought up to bring his head down toward mine.

It seemed to take a painstakingly long time until contact was made.. but finally.

But it was so short. Scott pulling back right after our mouths connected. He kept his face just inches away from mine, his warm breath stirring something deeper inside of me, especially when his low hum of a throaty voice drifted into my ears.

"What was that?"

"I can put a thin barrier around my skin.. can y'feel me?"

"I feel a slight tingling.. but yeah I think I can.. that's amazing.. how long have you been able to do this?"

"Since before y'left."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want t'disappoint you, I don't know how long I can sustain it.. and it bein' Magneto's doin' wasn't exactly a turn o.."

But my words were cut off. My explanation left for another time. The obvious fact that he was recovering and we probably shouldn't be involved in any such activity not even acknowledged.

His lips were on mine once more, they weren't gently this time, weren't slow and tender. It was passionate and frantic. Like a man who had been wandering the desert finally coming across some water. Drinking it up quickly, in case it was just a mirage, and it might disappear at any time. My arms grabbed onto the back of his shirt, my nails digging into his neck as I tried to keep him as close to me as possible.

But then not even a minute later, my overly sensitive ears picked up something. And that time it was I who pushed him off me.

"Someone is comin'." I whispered, more than just disappointment putting a downward lilt to my voice.

"I don't care." He pulled me toward him again.

"Scott it's Logan, and he is goin' t'be openin' the garage at any moment." I never cared about Logan's habitual ways of always being out late, and coming back even later. And I have always been happy to see Logan back again. But then, that instance, for the first time, I wished he hadn't come back.

I guess Scott must have finally heard it too. The rumbling of Logan's motorcycle. To say he held a look of regret would have been an understatement.

I guess neither of us wanted to see Logan at that moment, for we practically darted out of the garage.

Only to bump into someone else.

Jubilee heading up the stairs.

She was fully dressed. A short dress under a heavy coat. Her dark hair tousled, her makeup slightly mussed. A happy smile adorning her face. She noticed us right away. Backing up, taking her foot back that had been about to ascend another step, she jumped down past the three first steps and walked toward us.

"What's going on? What were you two doing? Are you trying to take advantage of Scott during his blind deaf and dumb experience?"

Leave it to Jubilee to say something like that. If Scott wasn't back to normal I might have been really pissed. No matter how much of a joking manner she had said it in.

"Actually.. " I started.

"Actually, I am much better now. Thanks for asking." Scott interrupted me, a hint of acrimony in his tone.

Jubilees mouth sprung open, dropping down to the floor and springing back upward. And then she became embarrassed. What she had shot out just moments before coming back to her as she slightly reddened.

I heard muttering behind us and knew Logan would soon be upon us.

Jubilee saw him first, running past the two of us, grabbing onto Logan's arms.

"Scott is talking Logan. Talking. And he is looking too! Seeing..!" She started pulling on Logan's arms tugging him toward us. I saw he held my green coat in one of his hands. Which he didn't seem too happy about.

Being Logan he somehow got out of Jubilee's grip effortlessly. He ambled over to me, not even sparing Scott a look.

"Left your coat outside.." He narrowed his eyes at me finally shifting his gaze over at Scott before looking back at me . "It 45 degrees outside and bound to get colder, now isn't the time to be loosing your clothes."

I heard the blatant inference in his words, as did Scott, and unfortunately Jubilee, who had more of a stunned look on her face than when Scott had spoken to her.

"Where's mine?"

Logan's right eyebrow raised. The only acknowledgement of Scott's first spoken words to him in months.

"I'm not your maid, get your own stinking coat."

"You brought Rogue's."

"Only because I almost tripped over it."

"It wasn't on the floor."

"It was when I found it."

"I don't believe you."

"And you think I care?"

"You should."

The more their arguments went on the more I felt like it had nothing to do with my coat. And the way Jubilee's head was jerking back and forth following the conversation, I knew she was bound to hurt herself.

I decided to bring an end to it. Scott's first hours of recovery and they were already going at each others throats. I knew it was only bound to get worse. I grabbed the coat from Logan. And gave him a frustrated look.

"Thanks Logan." I said, everyone knowing full well I wasn't appreciative.

Jubilee came over to me, winked at the two men for one reason or another and dragged me unwillingly off. Which meant one thing. She wanted to know what, if anything happened.

"So," she said, dragging me up the stairs. I looked backwards glad to see that Logan was walking away from Scott. While Scott looked like he was heading toward the garage to get his jacket. "Scott's back to normal now, Jean's far away and we are all happy again? Right?! Great... I had a wonderful night tonight! Jerry. I mean Gary, is really sweet, and... while he isn't gorgeous he still has that really cute nose that just crinkles when he smiles and that is so adorable, not the mention the way his hair kinda.."

"Jubilee?"

"What?"

"Shut up."

She looked annoyed and then amused. But she complied . Watching me out of the corner of her eye as she led me to her room. When we got there she fished a key out of her small purse and opened the door. Before Jubilee opened it I had already heard sounds coming from the other side of the door. She had left the T. V. on. One of those absentminded things that I know her for.

We went into her room, Jubilee started to take her shoes off after she threw her purse on the bed. I sat down beside it, my attention on the Television that was flickering in the dark since Jubilee had yet to turn the lights on. She of course was talking, asking me questions. All about Scott. But what she was saying was more of a background noise as what I had thought I heard before we even entered the room was confirmed by a middle aged blond woman who was trying to talk into the camera, while at the same time trying to hold down too short of a skirt that was trying to blow upward.

Jubilee finally stopped yammering as she sat down on the floor in front of me. She turned back to look at me, the light playing off her face, distorting her image. Making what she said next all that more ominous.

"Another attack against the F.O. H.! That makes the second one this week."

I gripped my coat tightly, wringing the sleeves in my hands. The T. V. zoomed toward the still ongoing destruction. I saw on it as the words scrolled across the screen that the broadcast was live.

It wasn't even five minutes later that the me and the rest of the X-men were summoned by Xavier.


	44. Wednesday December 8 2010

Things are brewing on around me. I can feel it. A pot is about to boil over, spewing forth hot oil and unimaginable pain.

And that should mean something to me, that should register in my mind more than a quick second before it is over taken by something I can't get out of my head.

_Sexuality._

Twenty and I have just discovered it.

I've realized things lately. How I can make Scott hold his breath, forget what he is going to say or even make him moan with pleasure. The way Bobby stares or even blushes when I catch him looking. How he tenses up when Scott enters a room we are both in. The way I can even get Logan on the verge of almost tongue tied. And angry when I accidentally ignore him. (Although being Logan he tries to hide that.) How I can walk a certain way, my head high, hips swinging from side to side, and appreciative eyes follow my movements until I leave the area.

_I am a woman._

A vital, full of cravings, I LOVE this attention.. WOMAN.

But How? When. And was it always there? Or is Scott bringing this side of me out?

This flirty southerner with hot, burning fire in her veins, that would rival anything that I could destroy with John's destructive powers.

It's been over a week since that night in the garage. Nights that I have dreamt rather amorous dreams.

Yes, I can sorta touch Scott. Nearly feel him. But I believe he can feel me more than I him.

My concentration lapses when he is around me, and one occasion already I accidentally lost the field that was protecting him from me... Man what kind of a life am I living that I need a freekin' magnetic protection barrier to feel even slightly normal? A deranged one.

Not that Scott and I have had much time together. Not to say I haven't seen him, I have. But him, like I had when I had first gotten back, is taking on tasks again, trying to get in touch with the life he had before.. before..

Everything.

I tried to argue with him that it was too soon, but felt like there was nothing behind my words. For I too know what it is like to have to keep busy, to try to resume..

Scott while, is as um.. enthusiastic over this new development of touchability, has been actually very careful with me, no, that is not the right word.

Considerate.

Yes that is it. As if he is worried that he might do something that is too much, or cross some sort of boundary that he has planted in his mind.

I think I appreciate that. Well the more prudent side of me does. Don't ask what the new side of me thinks, the girl who believes she is a little sex kitten. Which is a little weird since I have never experienced it before. Not myself anyway. I can recall particular things from certain people, but it's mostly in men's points of views and doesn't make for comparison.

Of course I could say something to him, he is always one to listen, but well, he knows me well. I might think about it sure, but, no, it would be to soon, and actually stupid. For I KNOW my mind would definitely not be working on keeping the barrier up between us that allows for contact, but more like breaking all barriers, including the one protecting my chastity.

Man sometimes I feel so bottled up, so held back, and devoid of certain things, that I want to just let go. Of my scruples, my morals, and t'hell with my skin. Just see how far things could go before reality showed it's ugly, arrogant face.

I need a drink.

Not that I drink.

I need some Scotch. Minus the ch Plus a t...

But he isn't exactly available right now, and in actuality, I don't want to see him at the moment.. maybe as I write more the reasons why will become more clear...

Did a danger room session yesterday. The first one I have done since I got back. Logan came in the middle of it all, showing up during it, letting out his claws and then after giving me a rather wild smile, he joined in on my fight. Unasked. Or invited. But I didn't mind.

It was a simulation I myself had programmed with the help of Erik inside of me. His part inside of myself that wanted to lash out toward those that had hurt him first. The beginning of a long chain, that he cut off link by link as he, over the years, got his revenge.

So we were fighting nazis. Complete with uniforms, guns, and German accents. The location was some camp or another that I didn't make as real as it could have been, sparing some details so that while it mainly stayed true to form, it held an air of detachment. No need to make it too believable.

That program was the one that I always use to let out deep buried frustration. And being that I was filled with a _new_ kind of frustration, one that wasn't quite recent, but more pronounced, left me with a feeling of a need for action.

When the whole thing ended and shut itself off, us suddenly alone and surrounded by silence, I found that I was sweating, my clothes damp and clinging to me, my breathing hard. Yet I was filled with satisfaction. I pressed the tiny button on my staff weapon that I had been using and it brought itself together until it barely stuck past the length of my hands. That kind of fight I preferred just to use, well me, and not my mutation. Most of the time anyway.

An hour we had both been at it, we'll Logan only about thirty minutes.

He wasn't facing me when it finished, I saw his back going up and down, flashes of his adamantium shimmering under the then bright lights. When Logan came to the conclusion that it was over he retracted his claws, straightened up slowly, rotated his neck from side to side, then pivoted on his right foot. His eyes finding mine straight away.

"Your getting good with that stick. But you almost got shot a couple of times, Shouldn't try to prove something to yourself if it is going to lead to injury."

With that long sentence coming from Logan I found I was laughing. An uncontrollable thing that filled my belly and leapt out of my mouth.

He waited for me to finish, trying to figure out why I was laughing and by the look he held, analyzing his words to see if what he had said had been funny.

"Your one t'talk Logan." I said between me trying to stop my rather girly giggles. I finally managed to, nearly starting up once more, when I saw the obvious spark of relief in Logan's eyes. "Y'believe the only true way one has proved anythin' t'themselves is if they are left with scars.. of one sort or another.. a memento.. a trophy.. Heck even money will suffice sometimes."

"I don't really believe that." He said cautiously, tilting his head upward as he looked up toward the observation deck. I guess he thought he heard something. When Logan decided nobody was up there, he averted his attention back toward me.

"I know," I relented a little, figuring out once more how easy it was to goad Logan. "But sometimes the only way for someone to learn somethin' is t'get hurt. Although I couldn't have even if I wanted to.. the safeties were on." I flashed a smile across my face, an illusive, teasing thing that disappeared quickly.

"Why did y'barge in like that? Y'wantin' t'talk t'me?"

"Since when do I need a reason for anything?" I heard how he skipped my last question. Obviously he didn't want to admit that he might have been looking for me.

I shrugged my shoulders at that, walking over to a nearby bench I grabbed a towel and wiped off my face, then my neck. I threw it into a hamper when I was done, stretched a little and found Logan looking at me in a rather daunting manner. I stared at him for a second or two, before I spoke.

"I have t'go, I am meeting Ororo for lunch." I stood there unmoving, giving him an opportunity to say something, if he had been wanting to. But he just blinked, and then dismissed me by looking away from me. I took that as my cue to leave.

The Danger room doors had just opened in front of me when I heard him call out my name. I took two steps backwards, the large panels shutting behind me as I turned to face him.

Logan came over to me, something obviously going on inside him. I could almost see the gears turning in his brain.

"You and Scott.."

I cringed slightly, bracing myself for what was to come.

"I.. I just.." He put one of his hands in his jean pocket and then took it out again. Then he clenched it tightly. "I wanted .. "

But he never got to finish what he was going to say. For the doors slid open behind me, Scott walking in. The moment he started to speak I knew he was talking to me, it was far too gentle to be directed at Logan.

"Thought I would find you here. The Professor wants to see you."

I still had my attention on Logan, my back to Scott. I watched how Logan's eyes narrowed, how he seemed to immediately go from awkward with me, to very still with a calculating calm.

Before I left with Scott, an impulse pushed me toward Logan. I found myself wrapping my arms around him and giving him a quick hug. He was so silly sometimes, especially how Scott could get his goat up just by walking in a room. Stiff as a board he was. His muscles taunt as if he could spring at any moment.

"We can talk later if y'want Logan.." I told him when I released him, giving him a reassuring smile. He didn't look at me, his intense gaze directed at Scott.

When I rotated around I saw Scott was returning it. Both locked in some sort of death stare.

I grabbed onto Scott and pulled him along with me, him coming back from wherever he had been when I did so. I half expected him to shake his head to clear out some of that extra testosterone that was clouding his head.

"I need t'take a shower first." I told him after the danger rooms doors whooshed closed behind us.

"Can it wait?" He said with up most seriousness.

"My clothes are stickin' to me, I probably stink and I definitely need t'wash my hair. Not to mention I really need t'change! These may be great for exercisin' in, but lack in fashion." I ran my fingers through my hair and then tugged on my shirt, trying to emphasize my point. Scott stopped walking at that, his glasses starting down at my feet working its way quickly up my body to land on my damp hair and waiting question mark that was imprinted on my curved lips.

"Actually you look quite.. appealing at the moment." His urgency of me needing to see the Professor fading into the background. He laughed softly at some internal joke or another.

"What?" I put my hands on my hips and raised my eyebrow.

"I've never heard you say something so girlish before. Maybe Jubilee is rubbing off on you."

I pushed him lightly and walked past him. He ran up to me, pulling on my ponytail behind me.

"Scott!" I brought my hand up to push him again, but he grabbed it. Using it as leverage he pulled me toward him.

"I also like the way you smell." He whispered to me. His soft tone like a magnet as it brought us closer together.

And then his lips found mine. Touching me lightly as he dragged one of his hands slowly up my back.

I internally shivered, sudden expectation filling itself up inside of me...

And then there was giggling. And someone trying to shush someone else.

We parted quickly, finding two of the younger kids of the household, looking at us with large eyes, they were both hiding partly behind the upcoming left corner.

Samantha and Deedrick. Brother and sister who were known for getting in trouble, especially for going places they weren't supposed to. They were always the ones that wandered off during field trips.

"What are you two doing down here? You know you aren't allowed here. How did you get down here anyway?" Scott dropped his hand from my back but held onto my left hand. Releasing it a little until he entwined his fingers in my gloved ones.

The kids went from happily amused to looking like little puppy dogs being chastised for peeing on the carpet.

"We.. I mean Deedrick..." She looked over at her brother for support, her eyes pleading.

"We were looking for Doctor McCoy and got lost." Deedrick finished, looking happy with himself for coming up with an explanation so quickly.

"You're about two levels past his lab.." Scott pointed out, becoming more Cyclops by the minute as he wiped the pleased look of the little boys face with his leader tone.

"We just wanted to see the Danger room. " Samantha blurted out, getting daggers from her brother when she did so.

So each of us taking hold of one of the kids hands we led them to the elevator. Taking them back to the main level. Scott giving them a lecture as we did so.

Deedrick and Samantha ran out of the elevator as soon as the doors slid open. Deedrick twirling around suddenly, his small childish face filled with mischief.

"You know I don't think you two are allowed to be doing what you were doing down there either!"

He got a stern look from Scott and practically tripped when he tried to escape from us.

So I hurriedly went to my room to change, telling Scott I would meet him in the Professors office. I showered quickly. It was when I was getting dressed that I started to contemplate what the Professor wanted.

I had a slow time putting my socks on, even slower time tying my shoe laces into two tight knots.

But I finally found myself walking down the stairs, turning right and heading to his office. Last time I had been summoned to the Professor's office had been when that second friends of Humanity base had been destroyed. Everyone discussing options, and trying to work out a way to deal with it. But we came up with nothing.

Since then, over the last seven days there has been three more attacks. Always a F.O.H. building or a company that, after extensive research was found to be a subsidiary of the terrorist group.

The attacks were always over before we could do anything. But that didn't stop us from trying to deduce what was going on, as through rotation, a group would go check out the just destroyed area to see if there were any hidden clues, or giveaways of who it could be, or what the heck was going on.

The places of destruction were strangely devoid of everything. No smells, no hidden matchbook's that held the insignia of the perpetrators favorite restaurant. Nothing.

I saw that disturbed Logan. His keen senses getting us nowhere. He doesn't like feeling useless.

Frankly, none of us do.

Anyway, I was ready to knock on the door when I found it ajar, Logan was holding it open for me, when I walked through he closed the door behind me.

I found it somewhat humorous that Scott hadn't told Logan the Professor wanted to see him as well, which he obviously had.

Scott was sitting on a leather sofa, off to the side, discussing something quietly with Hank and Ororo. He smiled at me softly when I entered the room and then returned his attention back to what Hank was saying. I sat down on one of the chairs in front of the Professors', not shocked when Logan forgoed the seat next to me, and just sat down on the desk with a loud thunk.

"Now that we are all here, I believe it is time for me to say that which I have been dreading."

The last word caught everybody's attention. I saw by their reactions that everyone was as in the dark as I was. And Xavier using such a strong word, one that meant, apprehension and uncertainty, was also important in itself.

I knew then, as I am sure that everybody else did, that what he was about to say, wasn't going to be welcoming news.

It wasn't.

What is with us? Are we a magnet for destruction? For Chaos and Anxiety? For unresolved conflicts that work their ways back into our lives?

Xavier had gotten an anonymous e-mail. He felt for sure that it was authentic.

It was full of documentation, videos, and reports. Statistics and other disturbing things.

It never ends.

After the Professor enticed Logan to take the seat next to me, he wheeled around his desk, pulling a small device out of his pocket and then pressed a small button.

The lights dimmed and he pressed again on the remote. He said a few things, trying to prepare us for what was to come. But nothing he said could have, and what he said didn't.

It was a short clip, showing people in white lab coats, scurrying around like little ants. So many of them. The camera moved forward and then to the right. I nearly jumped out of my chair when I saw who the camera was zooming in on.

Who else but Jean Gray.

She was strapped to a large table, it was practically upright to where she was almost standing. Tubes, and needles were sticking into her flesh, equipment all around her measuring, who knows what.

I knew then why the people looked so scared and frantic.

Jean was awake. Obviously not an everyday occurrence for them. Breathing heavily, she tensed her arms against the metal cuffs that were holding her secure. And then just by looking at them she shattered them.

But that was as far as she got. One of the tubes filled up with a red liquid shooting into her skin. She screamed. Ripping the things out of her body with her just freed hand, she took a shaky step forward.

The moment she did a gas filled the room, some of the people that had been running about her, dropped and crashed. Somehow she remained conscious.

Disjointed voices, were yelling over some sort of speaker system. Warnings, and orders and belated cautions about the just vented gas.

She fell then, obviously weak and wasted. The toxins taking effect.

But Jean still managed to bring her head upward, leaning on a hand she looked directly into the camera. Her voice, detached and hard as steel.

"Your day... " She trembled slightly, pausing from duress. But then completed what she was saying with pronounced certainty. "Will come."

Then with must have been an effort for her, she reached out slowly and destroyed the camera. The whole thing ending abruptly.

You can imagine what happened next. I for one, was too busy watching Logan and Scott to be worried about what was going on in my mind.

Logan was the first to react, or I should say Wolverine. As Logan receded into the back of his brain. He went totally berserks, throwing things, letting out his claws, ripping a sofa open until it's cottony entrails spilled out. And then for nearly the second time, he nearly stabbed me when I went to try to talk to him.. And that time it wouldn't have been in the shoulder.

He stopped short of doing it, his pupils dilating slightly as if he was trying to recognize me.

"Logan you must calm yourself." That was Hank, his voice a little more worried than I was used to. Hadn't he ever seen Logan during one of his rages before?

Hank nodded toward me, and I saw he was telling me he had things in control, that he could handle them, so that I could go to Scott.

Much good I did there. In fact it seemed I did no good at all. What was I doing there anyway?

Scott too was in a mood, angry too light a word, furious too polite.

First he yelled at the Professor for hiding things from him. Then he wanted to know when he got the info. And then pushing Ororo to the side he pounded madly on Professor's wheelchair arms, nearly knocking the shocked telepath out of it.

This all happened simultaneously with what Logan was doing. By the time I was able to make my way to Scott he had already calmed down somewhat. Although he was taking in air in a rather pronounced manner, and was about to pierce the leather sofa he was sitting in, as he kept digging into it with his fingers.

I stood by Ororo, not going to Scott, feeling that I would have just been obtrusive, and in the way. I stood their watching Scott with contemplation, seeing for the first time that with Jean, because of her, I would always be second... Logan had almost hurt me because of her, and Scott hadn't even noticed. So much for certainties in this world. Is this ever going to be resolved or.. is it going to remain? Darkening things as it shatters my faith in, well Scott, and myself.

Once the two men had calmed down sufficiently enough, the Professor positioned himself behind his desk once more. Subtly signaling to Ororo and Hank to keep Logan and Scott separated. But then why show then at the same time? Why have them in the same room? Probably he just wanted to get it over with.

I need as aspirin just thinking about it all again.

What a horrible day.

Unending questions followed for the next two and a half hours. Everyone piping in.

Except me.

I just listened.

And watched. Feeling so tense, and awkward.

The Professor answered things in a calm and efficient manner, although his eyes darted between Scott and Logan, maybe waiting to see if they would lose it once more.

Logan demanded to see more of the videos. Scott the reports. But Xavier, obviously didn't think that was a smart idea, as he quickly evaded that option.

But I knew they would get their way eventually, and if that was the least horrifying clip that was shown, as the Professor had stated before he showed it, how would they react when they saw the rest?

I could see that troubled Xavier as well.

And then Scott said something, something I had just come to realize. Maybe something I have known for a while, subconsciously anyway.

"Jean is behind the F.O.H. attacks isn't she Professor?"

The Professor didn't dodge that question, in fact he rebounded with his one little word that shocked everyone into sudden silence.

"Yes."

I have never been so glad before of something ending. But when that little "discussion" ended, I found myself rushing to get out of that room. But was stopped when the Professor asked me to stay behind for a minute, he had something he wanted to discuss with me.

I didn't take a seat, didn't sit down and try to get comfortable. What was the point?

He was straightened some of the things up on his desk, trying to rearranged them back into the order they had been.

"Professor?"

He took a deep breath, picked up a broken pencil, threw it away and then finally, looked up at me.

"Have you checked your e-mails today Rogue?"

Now that had definitely not been where I thought the line of inquiry was going to go.

"No Professor, not since yesterday morning." Which was actually something strange since I usually checked it a couple times a day.

"I believe you received a copy of this e-mail.." He pointed at his laptop that was on his desk... I couldn't fathom why I would have, and was too mentally exhausted to ask him why he believed that. "Would you do me a favor and not share that info with anyone else? In fact it might be a good idea if you yourself didn't even open it for now."

His request confused me, in fact it was the second similar request he had made that day, the first one when he asked Ororo, Scott, Logan, me and Hank not to divulge anything with the others, not wanting rumors and ill founded speculation to spin out of control in the mansion... Xavier was never one to hide in a corner, or try to run away from something. I knew then that what he was asking must be very important to him.

"Ok."

"Thank you Rogue."

I tried to smile at him, but found the muscles in my mouth didn't want to cooperate.

"Rogue?"

My eyes had wandered, landing on the bottom of his desk where some shredded papers, a broken pen was that had leaked, and an area of carpet that had been torn. I looked back up at him.

"My life really sucks."

"Because of how this might affect you and Scott?"

I frowned at that.

"If only it was that simple."

I left him after that, feeling as if he had wanted to probe my mind, find out what was going on inside me. Although he probably felt that about everyone who had just left.

So my day was pretty much shot after that. Lunch with Ororo canceled. Who had an appetite after that?

I avoided Scott for the day trying to give him space... room, whatever he needed. Figuring out halfway through, that he also was avoiding me.

That stung for a while, making me feel numb inside as I locked myself in my room.

Logan of course took off, his motorcycle roaring down the driveway as if a dragon was coiled inside of it...

So Jubilee and Kitty knocked on my door around seven, wanting to see a movie. I told them I had a headache, and after the debate of why I wasn't going evolved into me yelling through the door, they finally left me alone.

I heard Kitty and Jubilee talking as they walked away from my room.

"What's her Problem?"

"Maybe her and Scott had their first big fight, I mean her locking herself in her room and him.. "

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, I was trying to say before you rudely cut me off.. He was supposed to help me fix my DVD player, but then he totally went off on me.. told me just because I wasn't smart enough to buy a warranty doesn't mean that he.."

"Maybe they are having intimacy issues..." Kitty interrupted once again. "Maybe that is why Xavier looks like he is trying to console Scott.. why they have been talking so long in the library. I mean it must have been important and personal.. The Professor wouldn't even let me get a book I have been meaning to read."

"Yeah, been wanting to read ever since the moment you wanted to know what they were saying."

"Oh Please, Like you wouldn't have had any curiosity? I know I am not the only one wondering how, or if they even can get it o.."

"...Just because they wanted privacy to talk doesn't necessarily mean they were discussing Scott and Rogue's relationship..." She paused for a second, and I swear I could visualize Jubilee with one of her evil grins. "And maybe Rogue can hear every word we are saying... Although maybe I should have reminded you earlier."

Kitty mumbled something after that. Jubilee laughing at whatever it had been.

I stayed in my room a little longer, staring into the darkness as if it held answers for me. But then I had enough. Getting off the couch I had been sitting on, I grabbed my coat.

I went to my balcony, opening the sliding glass door that led to the outside.

It was freezing outside, a harsh breeze harassing my exposed skin. I threw the coat over the side, watching it fall on some bushes below.

Then maneuvering myself, I stood on top of the thin banister. Closing my eyes I breathed in and felt my surroundings.

Ignoring all the sounds that were coming from inside the mansion I pushed my senses outward.

The wind carried with it smells of dinner and burning logs. Frozen grass and hard earth.

I heard creatures scuttling around, a rabbit maybe, a squirrel perhaps.

A bird chirping a happy little song, that was usually reserved for the day.

Dog barks coming from far away, cars driving by every now and again.

Just when I started to get lost in it all, the clean smells of winter, the sounds of nature, I lost my balance when one of my legs gave up from underneath me, probably due to how I had had it bent under my prone body earlier.

I fell over, opening my eyes, watching the ground come rushing up underneath me quickly.

For a second, for an eternity of thought, I almost didn't stop. Almost let myself crash and fall into the remorseless ground.

And it wasn't because of Scott, wasn't because of the problems that seem to love to plague me.

It was because of the nothingness that seeped into me as I suddenly felt.. _Everything_.

Things becoming clear to me, perceptions changing. Reality molding itself into near perfection as for one moment in purified time I no longer felt lost or confused.

If that awareness hadn't been tainted by my sudden onslaught of emotion, I don't know what would have been the outcome.

Inches from hitting bottom, I took to flight, the long grass brushing past my clothed belly. I turned, landed, grabbing my coat I put it on before, whoever had been walking around the patio at that particular moment, would have bumped into me, interrupting my much needed solitary.

And then once more I took to flight, leaving the suddenly tiny mansion behind me, as my sudden burst of speed carried me far, far away.


	45. Friday December 10 2010

You get to a certain point in your life, where you are able to take a couple steps back. Sit down on a chair in your mind and examine yourself. See all your faults, all your purposes and see what drives you.

I know I am not as confused as I once was, not as hesitant or meek. I know more of who I am, and what I feel I want. Where I am morally and who I wish to become. Who I want to be with. And who I love.

Surprisingly more people than I thought.

Jubilee, Scott, Xavier, Logan and perhaps others.

I still feel rather reserved though, meaning maybe I am a little standoffish and not as friendly as maybe I should be. But friends for me, is usually someone who is willing to put up with me trying to push them away, struggle with my doubts as they hold on to me, and try to keep my focused...

It used to be Logan who always left me baffled and unsure. But of course now it is Scott. Although believe it or not, I have gotten strength from it all. Learned things about myself and feel rather encouraged. The fact that I am even in a relationship, one that might appear fragile and easily breakable, is a testament in itself.

I am capable of loving. I am capable of feeling... I am capable of living.

It was inevitable that I should return to the mansion. I had to go back. I had more than enough time to think things through and I had come to a couple decisions, not to mention there were things I wanted to say, things I should have said sooner, but never did out of fear of the results, or how it might somehow make me appear weak, and split me open for all to see.

But it was time. I was sick of hiding behind a wall of the unknown and sick of feeling sorry for myself and my circumstances. As I said you get to a certain point in your life where you can examine yourself, and also a point where you can break free of the chains that bind.

But of course there was a problem. One that didn't want to be bypassed.

I had a terrible headache, which I am prone to getting when I am full of anxiety. It was a horrible thing that was located being my eyes, that made it hurt when I moved too quickly, or tried to focus on something to the side.

Dreadful pangs were shooting inside my forehead, making it difficult to concentrate. Somehow I made it to the kitchen. It was late, all the lights were off. I made my way to the cupboards and started rifling through then, tearing them open as I desperately search for some sort of aspirin, or pain killer.

And then the lights sprung on. Shooting through my eyes, making me close then quickly, as my hands when to my face. I felt my stomach surge from the sudden movement, and thought that I was going to throw up, but then the intensity subsided to a more tolerant level and I found myself breathing in and out slowly as I tried to think through the dark blurry haze that was my head.

"Rogue?"

My name echoed in my head. I managed to turn around slightly, the world rushing around with me as I did so.

"Where is the dang aspirin?" I snapped. My eyes focusing on Bobby, who was wearing nothing but boxers and a T-shirt. He had obviously come to get something to snack on. Probably ice cream if he was still up to his old habits.

He moved his head left and right inspecting me slowly.

"Well?" I barked once more, grabbing onto the counter, realizing I was past headache and into the migraine zone when my head started pulsating, a sensation that was similar to be blasting several times with an energy weapon, at close range.

Bobby walked past me, pulled out a small step ladder that had been hidden under a counter and proceeded to climb it. Opening a cabinet way at the top he pulled down some medicine, talking as he did so.

"Hank moved it all again, thought it was too easily reached by the children. He also alphabetized it and rearrange them by effect and duration."

I was vaguely listening to him, and barely responded when a minute or so later he placed a cup in my hand filled with liquid, along with a couple small pills.

"Do you need some help?"

If I could have glared at him I would have, but instead I just managed a quick huff. Jamming the pills in my mouth I managed some water, the tilting movement make my head roar with more hell brought sensations.

I placed the cup on the counter, grabbed a bottle of the aspirin and walked past him. Needing to get to my room so I could lie down in silence and much needed darkness.

I realized that Bobby was tailing me, and when he placed a hand on my right arm to help me up the stairs, I actually didn't object. We had to stop halfway though, as I crashed down on the stairs, water building up in my eyes.

"Bad one huh?" He sat down beside me. "I can get you something stronger from McCoy if you want."

"Would y'please?" I said, my voice a low murmur, more kinder than I had been since I first saw him.

I saw him nod his head, worry written in his face, although appreciation that my tone had become kinder toward him.

"Lets get you to your bed first."

I had a quip to say to him with that comment but it died quickly. I wasn't in the joking mood.

He stood up and after he grabbed onto both my hands, he helped me up effortlessly, the migraine drumming inside me with renewed fury. So I swayed a little. Which brought me a little closer to Bobby. I caught a whiff of what smelled like... soap. And suddenly that brought with it images of food. Pizza, barbeque ribs and nachos. Which were some of his favorite foods that we used to get all the time when we were doing one of our late night study sessions.

I managed to bring one of my hands up to my mouth. As if that would hold anything back if it came.

Thank God it didn't.

But it did cause Bobby to pick me up. I tried to push him away, but my energy was gone, and my movements hurt.

"You don't have to fight me so much, just trying to help you." His voice was light and almost cheerful. And if my eyes weren't closed I am sure he would have looked like he was enjoying himself.

Luckily my room wasn't far away. And my door was unlocked.

He flipped the lights on when we went through it which caused me to squeal.

"Oops, forgot.. sorry."

Bobby backtracked and turned it back off. Then brought me to my bed. He placed me down on it and then proceeded to pull down the covers.

"I can do that!" I said to him. Managing to get up I did so, dropping down on the bed and under the covers when I was done.

He hovered over me, my eyes weren't open but I knew he was doing so.

"I'll be right back ok? I'll get something from McCoy."

"Just put it on my nightstand, Ill try t'take it later." I moaned, rolling over in a rather drawn out manner as I turned away from him.

"You'll be alright?" He paused for a second. "Maybe I should stay with you for a while."

"No, Bobby.. please.. just go.."

So he left. I must have fallen asleep before he returned because I never saw him again that night. Although some migraine medication and a tall glass of water was near my alarm clock when I woke later.

I think I slept about nine hours. When my eyes opened once more, I found I still had a slight headache. But it was more manageable. And I could sit up without feeling like I was being probed with a taser.

Just out of precaution incase it was deciding on retuning, I took the medication, which left me alert and with a slight buzz.

It was morning by then, and the bright light was peeking through my thick blinds. Another day.

But it wasn't going to continue, not until.. Yes not until...

Renewed determination took over my body as I went to Scott's room. I knocked on it softly. It was opened immediately and I found myself looking into a pair of very red sunglasses.

"Rogue.. I.."

"Can I come in?" I motion toward his room. He nodded his head and moved to the side.

He had obviously just gotten up moments previous, his bed was still unmade, his blinds were unopened. Scott closed the door behind us, and then turned on one of his bed side lamps, which cast a strangely ghostly feel on the whole room.

Looking at him more closely I saw he looked on edge, obviously hadn't gotten much sleep... I wasn't sure if he was pleased to see more or not.

"I have something I want t'tell you."

Something about my tone seemed to put him on guard, he crossed his hands over his chest and looked at me in a rather jarring manner.

"About yesterday.. about Jean.." He flinched when I said her name. "I wanted t'tell you.. that well, I .."

I shook my head, let out a deep breath, and sat down in an frustrated manner onto his bed. Grabbing one of his pillows I put it on my lap and then punched it hard.

"Dangit!" I yelled, getting up of the bed. Throwing the pillow in Scott's direction which he easily avoided. "I can't do this when you're looking at me like that! It's hard enough!"

Scott dropped his hands and walked toward me. He looked somewhat conflicted, like he couldn't decide whether to ease the strain or add to it. He finally placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Just tell me Rogue." He whispered, his inflection showing currents of fear out of what he thought I was going to say.

But his stare upon me had changed, it was no longer hard and closed off, but was instead tender yet hesitant.

I took a couple tiny steps backwards, but kept our eyes locked. His sudden nearness to me making it difficult to breathe, let alone say anything coherent.

"I wanted t'tell you..." My words caught in my throat and I found myself opening my mouth and closing it. Nothing coming out. Why did it have to be so hard?

I inhaled deeply, trying to gain some composure and strength of willpower so I could finish.

"I wanted t'let y'know, that whatever y'are goin' through, I will be there for y'and no matter what happens... I want y'to know that I love you."

I said the last part so low, so quietly that even Logan would have had a hard time picking it up. I've never told someone that I loved them before, it was as if it was some sort of sacrifice, like it was an acknowledgement that I was willing to give a part of myself up. To give a part of myself away.

Nothing was said for sometime. We just stood there staring at one another. Him looking overly contemplative, his brow furrowed. But then his overall demeanor changed, it was if he had a kind of shadow over him before, and suddenly it was gone as if a new day had dawned from the inside of him.

"You love me? I.. I hoped that you did.. I wanted you to. But you never said anything.. I just wasn't sure.." He stammered along in a rather cute manner, while letting shine through some rare awkwardness that made him seem a little younger.

He was coming toward me and it was then when I took in for the first time what he was wearing, striped blue and white pajama pants, with a T-shirt that showed off the fact that he was in very, _very_ good shape.

Scott stopped right in front of me. Our bodies almost touching, but not quite.

"Say it again."

"I love y'Scott Summers."

"And I love you."

He brought his hand up and caressed my face quickly, almost in a teasing manner, although I knew different.

"I want to tell you something as well.. But I need you to do something for me.."

"What?"

"Let me touch you.. _really_ touch you."

I jerked away from him, distancing myself from him as I did so.

"But that could mean.." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Mr. Careful wanted me to lower my guard.. and he the one that was always full of precaution. Especially in regards to my mutation. That wasn't Cyclops speaking, the leader of the X-men, but Scott Summers, the vulnerable man, one who was maybe uncertain as sometimes I could be.

"I know, but I want you to know.. I want you to know how I feel.. I need you to know.. I need you to understand. And I am willing to face your mutation to do that.. The question is.. can you handle it?"

I realized what he was trying to say. What he was getting at. I also knew he wanted _me_ to make the choice. I also apprehended then, probably not for the first time, that he wasn't afraid of me, wasn't swayed by my mutation. Instead managed to turn it into something else, something that wasn't a trickling bane flowing through me, but a reason to be creative or a way to communicate on the most intimate level.

Scott walked toward me, me backing away until I was blocked by his bed behind me. I stared down at his bare feet, at the carpet and part of his bedspread that had fallen over onto the floor.

And then I made my decision. And it was I who instigated it.

I kissed him. I didn't turn the barrier on, instead I felt the pressure of his lips upon mine, and knew this time it was more real than usual, since I could feel the texture of his mouth and taste peppermint from his toothpaste. One tactile sensation after another that quickened my desire, especially when I found his hand had made contact with my bare back just below my shirt where it had risen a little.

It was then when my mutation kicked in with fierce retribution. Making up for all the times I had circumvented it's deadly pull by using a magnetic field.

It opened my mind to Scott's deeper and quicker than ever before. As everything poured inside of me. It didn't last more than a couple seconds before it started up that we parted. For once I didn't feel burning behind my eyes, yet it was long enough to get recent impressions from Scott.

I knew the pain he felt about Jean, the rage he felt about what had been done to her. Also the confusion he felt about what she had done to him.. which is one of the things he had been consulting the Professor about.. But there was more. He was angry about how it might affect us. Tear us apart. He wanted to be with me. He felt a need for vindication, but he didn't want to lose me in the process.

I saw flashes of an argument he had had with Logan from many days previous. One that had almost come to blows. I heard harsh words spoken, saw tense posturing and experienced bitter aggravation and extreme possessiveness on Scott's part, especially from what the confrontation was about... me.

Before I could analyse that further my brain lurched forward.

I experienced the relief he felt when I finally told him I loved him. The clarity of mind he experienced when I uttered those words. He wanted to share everything with me. His life.. his love, and most definitely.. his body.

I got lost in some of his more lustful thoughts when I came to that part. They were so recent and filled with cravings and needs, not to mention images that made me have a physical reaction as my heart picked up from there sheer potency.

When I found out why he had been avoiding me the day before I felt so sad and happy that the two feelings mixed together forming into a bond of contented understanding.

"You really thought I would want t'leave you? That because Jean was back in the picture I wouldn't want anything more t'do with you?" I stared at him, seeing that he was still with me, and still upright. Not in the least shaky, like he had been in the past. I wondered briefly how long I could hold onto someone before they passed out, knowing it depending on how strong the person was.. Well Scott was strong.. but..

"I don't know. Although it did cross my mind," Scott began. His mouth curved downward, while his focus remained on me. "Sometimes I just don't know where I stand with you.. "

I couldn't help it, I smiled at that. The true knowledge that I wasn't the only one who felt she was walking through the relationship blindfolded, was very nice to know.

"Jean does complicate things Scott, I won't deny that. But even before I was sure of how you felt I knew one thing with all certainty..." .

"What is that?"

"That I don't want this t'alter things between us. And although I know that probably isn't possible, I still want you t'know that.. that I am willing t'endure whatever is t'come as long as it means you're with me when the smoke clears."

He was lost for words at that. So instead he just grabbed hold of my right hand and placed a gentle kiss upon my glove. But then Scott looked back at me, his demeanor morphing right in front of me as his face took on a rather suggestive manner.

"Get anything else from our contact?" Scott mouth formed into a subtle grin. His face locked on mine. And I didn't miss him glancing at his bed quickly either. One that we were still very near to.

I leaned in close to him, whispering in his right ear. Feeling slightly in control of the newly developed situation as I did so.

"Maybe I'll show y'someday."


	46. Monday May 2 2011

I sit here looking at my blank screen and find myself almost unsure of how to start this. So much time has passed. Certain things have transpired to make me sit here, pausing for a second as I try to figure out what to write about first.

I could start with why it's been so long, or what caused such the delay of my writing, or I could start at the near beginning as I try to round up all my thought and try to see things for myself more clearly as I do so.

But everyone starts at the beginning, why not the end or the middle? Or heck, just finish everything with one word and end it there.

Darkness.

There. I am done. Finished. Complete.

If only, if only that one word described everything.

But it doesn't.

Maybe I could start with my emotional state and go from there?

No, that won't do either.

It's been almost five months, or about 142 days since I last opened my computer and typed anything. I never knew I could go so long without something I considered essential, but I have, and I am no worse for it. That is..

My mind always wanders back to Scott. So I can start there. It's a good a place as any.

After that day that I finally told Scott that I loved him, that day that seems so long ago that it is one of those warm memories that is tucked away, things went rather well for the both of us. We both knew with up most certainty that a confrontation with Jean was inevitable, in fact all the X-men did. And while some looked overly uncomfortable with the idea, downright upset, or confused, Scott and I accepted it.

And we moved forward.

I never really thought you could be intimate with someone without well, adding sex to the equation, but Scott and I were... The world is so painted with sex. Adds, billboards, movies and TV shows. Everywhere you look it's right in your face. Telling you that being physical with the one you love, or for that matter anyone, is to be expected and required. Good thing I am not part of the world, just living in it, just passing through...

But to have had to live through some of the things that were said about the two of us at the start of the next step of our relationship, was laughable, downright crude and sometimes unexpectedly harsh.

I wondered if we were able to be so close, because Scott was a little older, more mature. I didn't feel pressure from him that I did from Bobby. But what do you expect from over hormonal teenagers? Although him, like me is now a young adult so I guess I should describe him as such.

I write Bobby's name and my mind flashes forward, terrible images filling my head as I remember what happened to him.. what happened to us all.

So I was experiencing love, giving love, feeling love. It was a new thing for me, different than when I was with Bobby, broader and more mature.

I love Scott so much. Even if he did almost kill me.

But once again I am getting ahead of myself.

Lets talk about Logan for a minute. About how he didn't come back for two weeks after we got the info about Jean. By the time he had returned, Scott and I were pretty inseparable. And so, when I greeted him, Scott was behind me. We had just finished lunch and were due for a meeting, a weekly session that we had in preparation for things to come. But then we had been passing through the hallways, and there Logan was standing, looking scruffy and sorta far away, if not a little lost, although the look seem to fade as soon as his eyes clapped on me.

But then his head diverted downward, and focused on my hand. My hand that was clasped tightly in Scott's. Scott whispered something in my ear, I think that he would meet me in the war room, and left me to greet Logan alone. Neither men barely acknowledged the other.

But that was just normal.

So I asked Logan how he was, he just stared at me blankly. I should have felt uncomfortable from the sheer pressure behind that void of a stare, but I knew him too well, knew myself even better, and just rolled back into comfortable camaraderie with him, just by offering him a welcoming smile, that lit up my face and worked wonders at melting his not so real icy continence.

We talked for a couple minutes, it ended with me inviting him to the meeting, which he declined, and us setting up dinner for later that night.

"Sure you can make time for me?" His head drifted toward the direction Scott had left in.

"Always Logan." That didn't get a smile out of him like maybe I had been aiming at, but instead he just stood there a second longer before leaving, studying me with somewhat closed eyes as seemingly thought something through.

By the time I did see him later that night, it ended up us going for a ride on his motorcycle, him driving like a bug had crawled up his pants, driving in such a reckless manner that we nearly crashed twice.

When we arrived at the restaurant I didn't know whether to settle for being downright angry at him or severely confused. But since I wasn't entirely perplexed, I settled on not speaking to him, which has a way of making him settle down somewhat, if not calm him down into being a more rational human being.

Finally I decided it was time to break the silence. About the time his steak had arrived and he was digging into it with unneeded ferocity.

"I thought you didn't listen to the rumor mill." I ventured, thinking that might be the problem. I was stabbing the salad I had ordered with my fork, getting a plump little cherry tomato in the process, I watched as it seeped its juices onto my leafy greens.

"I don't. But your little firecracker friends just couldn't wait to tell me the happy news."

"And what news is that?"

The waitress happened to come at that instance, asking us if we needed refills. I was about to offer a polite no, but Logan sideswiped me.

"Beat it. I am trying to talk to the kid here."

The waitress plastered a smile on her face and quickly retreated. I heard her mummer under her breath.

"That guy must have some major denial issues going on if he things that girl is a kid. I bet he's a lousy tipper too."

I saw that Logan heard that, but for once he paid it no mind. I waited for him to continue, which he showed no signs of doing.

"Well Logan? What news?" I was exasperated at that point. If the food hadn't been good I might have been more so.

"That you and boy scout are moving in together and plan on getting married in the spring."

Good old hilarious Jubilee. What a riot she was. Planting a little seed of untruth and waiting for it to ripen into confrontation so she could reap the outcomes into a good laugh.

Of course I myself almost laughed. Choking on the dinner roll I had been eating at the same time.

And that was when Logan knew he had been had.

"That little sunshine girl is going to get it when I get back!"

Logan put his fork down. Grabbing his glass of beer he brought it up to his mouth, but right when he was going to take a drink of it, he lowered it back on the table.

"But the two of you _are_ still together." He stated, his tone somewhat dry. He kept his attention on his drink, twirling the bottle around with his fingers as he did so.

"Y'knew that before y'left... I think y'wanted t'talk about it.. but then well, the whole.. the whole.."

"Jean thing? It's alright Marie saying her name ain't going to make me upset." Logan said, his voice barely a whisper.

So the night continued. Logan and I having a serious conversation in a steakhouse, one that was long over due. I was surprised to learn he wasn't angry about me being with Scott, just wanted me to be careful and mindful of what I was getting into.

"Scott isn't exactly on the rebound but he hasn't quite picked up all his pieces yet either." That was the first time in a while I had heard him call Scott by his name, not some idiotic, demeaning nickname that he always seem to have handy.

"I love him Logan, he loves me. Maybe he isn't the only one missing some pieces.. but then again who isn't..." He seemed a little taken aback by my use of the L word but recovered quick enough.

We returned late that night, our friendship reinforced by our talk. The warmness and the closeness we have always shared still there.

Logan hunting Jubilee down when we got back. Scaring the heck out of her as he did so. I had been halfway up my room at that point, totally forgetful of Logan's oath at the restaurant. If it hadn't been for a passing Kitty, who interrupted it all, Jubilee might not have been able to make such a quick escape. It would be a long while before she did that again. And took more than a couple days for Jubilee to be able to enter the same room with Logan, without her face becoming enraged as she balled her hands into tight fists.

But to continue, I want to write that my little reality, in the corner of my mutant world during that time period was good.

Even when the X-men meetings became more and more about Jean. It started with trying to predict her next attack. But as far as we could tell, they were all random, only with one thing being certain. She attacked two to three bases a week. And was slowly making her way back to the place where they held her for over a year.

"With the rate of her destruction I would guess that she will be in Canada in less than two weeks." The Professor informed us one day.

"But shouldn't we try to confront her sooner?" It was Bobby who asked that question, his bright blue eyes wandering around the table slowly, jerking back toward Xavier when he finally responded.

"We could, but right now it wouldn't do us much good, she hasn't killed anyone, just destroyed a couple of Friends of humanity installations.."

"And why not let her clean things up a little before we stop her, isn't that so Chuck?"

Logan got a very pointed look from Xavier with that comment. One from Scott as well.

"If we confront her before she reaches her journeys end, it might destroy the Jean we know even further." Hank informed us all as he pushed his glasses further up on his nose. "Whether her powers have grown or not , she is still rather fragile now, and I am sure.. very disoriented."

"But what happens if she _does _kill someone? Several People have already been harmed as it is." Ororo who had been awfully silent piped in. She wore a distressed look, one that reminded me how close her and Jean had been.

"That would be deeply regrettable of course and maybe if we knew for sure where she would be next then it would be a different story, or if she didn't disappear into nothingness before we arrived even remotely close to her, or even if I could get Cerebro to pinpoint her... " The Professor stopped and let out a deeply agitated sigh. "then we would risk it. But for now, we will go with what we know. We _know_ she will end up at Canada, one way or another, and we also know that when she arrives there she won't be feeling so affable... Nor will she find things so easy to eviscerate."

Not days after that meeting we departed from the mansion. Xavier calling in a guy named Cassidy who I have never heard of or met, to watch over everything while we were gone.

I did think about staying behind. Maybe I didn't entertain that notion long, but it did pass through me. I don't think either Logan or Scott even considered it. But I hadn't really expected them too.

I supposed then that we all were going to see things through. Together.

Jubilee, Bobby, Kitty, Scott, Logan, Ororo, Xavier, Hank, a just returned Piotr who was on his Christmas vacation, and of course myself were the group that went to Canada.

We arrived soon enough at the Professor's lodge in the cold Canadian world, a big place, that wasn't as imposing as the mansion, but was certainly large enough for me to wonder how many rooms it had in it. Leave it to Xavier to have something such as that winter wonderland in his possession.

Everybody settled in quickly, a little fighting over rooms, especially with Jubilee and Kitty. Both wanted the one that overlooked a small frozen pond in the backyard, but the matter was ended rather abruptly by Logan who dragged both girls to the end of the hall, pointed at the coveted room at the end of the hall and then spoke.

"Whoever gets to the room first, gets to stay there." He let go of the girls, neither moving, both staring up at Logan with inquiring eyes.

"Well.. Go!"

Finally the girls got the idea, both taking off in a wild panic.

"And no..."

Kitty phased down into wooden floor while Jubilee shot off a small bolt of energy that went right through Shadowcat's disappearing form.

"Powers" Logan finished, groaning with his too late word.

It was a very peaceful time I had there when we first arrived.

Drinking hot cocoa in front of the fire. Taking turns preparing meals. Snuggling against Scott. Watching movies, and sometimes the news. Playing board games as a group... I even played chess with Xavier a couple times. Me making certain moves with my pawn or knight, that seemed to take him back, as once and a while he got lost in memories.

Logan and I taking walks, him teaching me about plants, herbs and what certain ones could do. Showing me once more that he was something more than he wants people to know.

Scott showing us all how to use the mini snowmobiles. Small accidents and a couple bruises following soon after.

Hank disappearing in his room for almost the whole time we were there, reading books, and working on something or another. Only coming out to eat, or have a conversation with Xavier.

Ororo who took to organizing everything, giving us all tasks and chores. Training sessions and other things to fill the time.

Jubilee griping about the lack of anything around us, and about how it was so quiet that she couldn't sleep. Her finding me one day and asking me out of the blue if I was going to look anybody up, knowing that that would probably be good enough of an excuse for us to go in town, since our movements were pretty limited at that time.

Us all having snowball fights, which Bobby usually won, building snowmen, running around like crazed children, as we tried to forget the main reason we were there. Me not missing some curious glances between Piotr and Kitty, that led to blushing and the false pretense of not staring at one another...

I know Logan and Scott went to the F.O.H. base in the middle of the night when we first arrived, setting up surveillance and perimeter alarms that the guards wouldn't find, nor Jean detect.

And when someone showed up unexpected a couple days after we arrived, someone I never expected to see, especially not well, not on the battle field as some say, I knew things were more serious than we were allowing ourselves to believe.

I knew something peculiar was going on, when I was came down the stairs from my room on my way to the dining room for breakfast. Jubilee had just opened the front door, her back was turned to me. She was so quiet, and frozen in place. Yet I could feel her anxiety and heard her breathing hitch, something she did when she was about ready for a fight.

"Who is it Jubilee?" She didn't move at first, but then when I put a hand on her back, she jerked slightly, and then moved backwards far enough for me to see who was at the front door.

It was my turn to stare. The first thing I wanted to do was shut the door. Ok, actually the first thing I wanted to do was assert myself in a rather forceful manner on the person, but that is neither here nor there.

"Is Charles in?" I listened to the tone of voice carefully, wasn't arrogant, nor pompous, although maybe a little taunting if not full of misplaced humor.

I looked the person over carefully, taking in his rather smart appearance, long camel haired coat, an old fashioned yet rather nice hat, and the fact that he was alone, none of his entourage shadowing him.

"What's your purpose?" I asked the question, my fingers feeling rather itchy in my gloves. I stood more in the middle of the doorway, leaning against the side with my right hand. Making my intentions clear. He wasn't to pass.

"Now is that the way to treat the man who opened your eyes to the world and it's ways?"

That was it. That was all it took.

I would have done something, heck I almost was about to jump him, forgetting that I was a mutant with more capabilities as my animal instincts took over. All I wanted to do was bash him in that big mouth of his, and hard.

But I wasn't the only one that could get primal.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I heard familial clicking sounds, metal against flesh. I was snatched back as Logan grabbed onto me. The same time he brought his other hand upward, his claws flashing, motioning toward the man in the hallway.

Jubilee grabbed onto my arm, pulling me toward her. I guess I was still feeling like a little lashing out myself.

"Ahh Wolverine, it's always such a pleasure seeing you." The words rang with facetiousness, bordering along hostility.

"Can it Magneto, you're not welcome here! In fact if your not of the front porch in less than twenty seconds, " he paused, a low menacing guttural sound coming out of his throat "I'm going to take the pleasure of carving out your metal heart and using it as a magnet on the refrigerator.. "

"Really my boy, such vulgar imagery.. and your welcome to try to get me to move.. but I am not going anywhere until I accomplish what I came here to do." A smug smile started tugging on Erik's lips, his posture becoming more erect with every word that passed out of his mouth.

"Let him in.. "

I heard Xavier's voce from behind us, which caused us all to shoot around. Scott was beside him, his face impassive. Ororo was coming out of the kitchen towards us, she slowed down as she did so when she saw who everyone was looking at, didn't stop until she was on the Professor's other side. Her eyes flashed white before turning back to normal, her hands clenched tightly on the back of Xavier's chair.

I waited for others to come down and see what was going on, but nobody did. I suppose we hadn't been loud enough.

"You can't be serious, metelhead can't be trusted."

Xavier looked at Logan, and then his eyes slowly went to Magneto.

"What is it Erik?" His voice wasn't entirely unfriendly, but it was also guarded.

"I'm here about Miss Grey."

And so of course in the end he was allowed in as he was ushered to the Kitchen. Logan tried to follow, but Xavier wouldn't allow it. Scott remained with the Professor as did Ororo. It seems they went outside through the kitchen, talking in the backyard wilderness.

I suppose I could have gone, if I wanted, Jubilee was certainly up for it. But I truly didn't want to be near the man. How Scott could so calmly talk to the man, after Magneto had knocked him about, was something I actually respected. But while maybe I had forgiven the man.. ok was in the progress of trying to.. ok wanting to want to try.. I still couldn't be around him. He was like a vile catalyst to my darker side, the one that wanted me to know what it was like to seek revenge, get it and be pleased with their deadly results.

Logan came back in rather a state, his eyes wild. He grabbed some keys off the rack, opened the door with a loud crash and bumbled outside. I went after him, Jubilee following behind me.

"Where are y'goin' Logan?"

"For a ride! What does it look like!" He opened up a truck door, and started to get inside it. I went around to the other side and got in with him, his glare not stopping me. "I wouldn't mind a drive either." I lied, suddenly feeling the need to keep an eye on him. Him and his temper.

"Great!" Jubilee exclaimed, maybe nor realizing that Logan was in one of his extremely pissed off moods, or maybe not acknowledging the extent of it. "I have been wanting to go into town.. could use some new boots."

She got in beside me, pushing me over closer to Logan as she tried to make room for herself. Logan ignoring Jubilees words, putting the car in reverse he raced backwards, sliding over the snow as he did a rather abrupt turn.

Jubilee squealed, barely managing to close the door in time, or else she would have fallen out of the vehicle.

"Y'might want t'buckle up" I whispered to Jubilee.

I still remember the queer smile that flashed over Logan's face after what I had said.

So that was the first real adventure we had down there.. because it led to us getting stuck in snow, the state of the art truck doing us no good.. Jubilee and I getting yelled at because neither one of us had brought a coat.. Me yelling back that there were some under the trucks lid in the back and that he needed to pay more attention to the equipment memos that were always being circulated and even talked about.

So we had to walk back. Of course due to Logan's racing speed we were about ten miles out in no man's land, and while there was a motorcycle in the truck, it wasn't going to do us any good as far as getting back.

I could have flown back I suppose, but couldn't leave Jubilee with the still erupting Logan.

Why we had to walk back at all was due to Logan of course, his using the excuse that we should consider it training. Slipping our only cell phone into his coat pocket, just daring either of us.. ok, Jubilee to say something, or to try to take it from him. Of course his ostentatious manner in which he put the thing away didn't stop her from speaking.

"I wouldn't want to walk that far even if I was stranded with a totally hot guy." She looked over at Logan, and then back at me. "Ok, I wouldn't want to back walk that far if I was _alone _with a totally hot guy. " Her words became louder " This is sooo stupid. I like snow sure, but to trek through it for no good reason at all, is totally stupid and I won't d.."

She swallowed her next words when Logan leveled his hooded eyes on what had been her very animated face. He kicked the passenger door shut in a rather ruff manner and then walked between Jubilee and me, giving us no option but to follow his lead. I grabbed the emergency pack out of the back of the truck and threw it at Jubilee. She caught it. Stared at it. Looked at me and then shrugged. Putting it on slowly, we both started after Logan.

For once Jubilee didn't talk as much as she sometimes can, although her and I fell into a sort of sporadic conversation that was added to every now and again. Interrupted every once and a while for her to shout some angry words about Logan's driving to his back, which was all we saw for a while.. But I did see how he looked over his shoulders every once and a while.. making sure we were both ok.. Not walking as quickly as he could have. Him catching my attention every now and again as I found him especially watching me.

We all seemed to calm down about the sixth mile when Logan found us some wild berries and fed them to us, then led us to a small lake where we all got our fill of cold natural water. Sharing it with a family of deer located about twenty feet away, who seemed unaware of our presence. And when Logan found a burrow that was inhabited by young foxes, that we were able to observe at a short distance as they played with one another, all seemed to be forgiven.

By the time we returned hours later we were all pretty frozen through, especially Jubilee who didn't have the benefit of a healing factor. And while I could have tapped into Bobby's resiliency for the cold. I decided against it, if Jubilee had to suffer, so would I...

The first thing that happened to us was being admonished by Ororo for not showing up for daily training session, which I thought would have been canceled... But then she truly took in our appearances. And asked what we had been doing. That led to some hot soup in front to the fire, with layers and layers of blankets wrapped around Jubilee and I, while Logan just sat down in a chair defying all help. Although he did have some soup.

When Jubilee was finally able to speak without her teeth chattering she looked at Logan and smiled.

"Can we do this again tomorrow?"

Logan let out a snort, his eyes shining, showing for a brief instance, that he probably doesn't dislike Jubilee as much as he tries to let on.

Fifteen minutes later I was to find myself in the kitchen with Ororo, discussing what was said between Magneto, her, Xavier and Scott. Logan entering the room right after I asked her, just in time for her response.

"He wants to help us."

"And what does he want in return?" I asked bitterly. Not liking what she had just said one bit.

Logan slammed shut the fridge he had been opening and looked at the two of us.

"Jean. He wants Jean."

I can still hear those words drifting through my consciousness. For in a way Logan was probably right. If anything, Erik craved power. For the more power he had, the more untouchable he became, the more indestructible he was. Surrounding himself with super beings that he himself controlled as he led them all down a cataclysmic path.

"He didn't say." Was what Ororo responded with, which showed that she too believed he had an ulterior motive.

Suddenly the mood to talk went out of me, my inquiring mind fading. Everything would be revealed soon enough. I left Ororo and Logan arguing in the kitchen... I was more than grateful when I bumped into Scott. That was until I saw that he was angry. And when I found out _why_ he was angry, I felt weary once more.

"We aren't dead Scott! It was only a couple miles. And nothing happened to us. We are all fine." How he could be so upset over a little accident, and not Mr. Lehnsherr showing up for tea, was rather exasperating.

"_Ten miles_." Scott said through clenched teeth. "Logan should've called!" He didn't bring up the fact that Jubilee or I could probably have gotten the phone from him if we wanted, but he was too focused on his tunnel vision that held the Wolverine at the end.

In the end I did deter him from going after Logan, telling him to the best of my ability where the truck was, since I definitely didn't want to go out again. Although there was really no need, all our vehicles have tracking devices on them.

I walked with Scott, watching as he grabbed his coat out of one of the hallway closets and put it on, followed by his gloves that had been in the pockets. Then we went to the front hall where Bobby was waiting for him. They were to retrieve the vehicle together. That made me pause for a minute, as I tried to recall the last time I had seen either of those two men alone with one another.

Scott kissed me distractedly on the cheek and then left as abruptly as I had bumped into him.

Kitty was to find me twenty minutes later sitting on the bottom of the stair case. Staring at the front door.


	47. Tuesday May 3 2011

Canada was a very cold place to be. And being that we were nearing the winter season it was chillingly so.

So why one of the most important battles that I can ever recall had to happen at night, snow falling down all around us, with winds picking up, their fierceness slapping into us in between the beating, is something that is well, something that shows how life is. Nothing but irony.

It was barely forty eight hours later that we were to have our confrontation with Jean. Such a simple word that doesn't even begin to explain what happened, nor what occurred.

Maybe when I wrote before, I made us all seem like a bunch of care free individuals. Not mindful of what was to come.

But well, what were we to do? Sit around staring at one another as we watched each other breath? Stop living, and laughing, loving and enjoying where we were because of what was about to happen?

In case I haven't made it clear. We aren't normal. And for clarification sake, we all knew the up most seriousness of what was to come, what it could mean for some of us. And what could happen.

So being that we weren't a bunch of psychics, not aware of what was to come... Why not try to believe, if not for a little while, that were weren't there to confront a friend, a student, a teacher.. a past lover.

Although none of us truly could. Behind the smiles, there was doubt. Underneath the calmness, there was an erupting futility. And beside the patience was an unending supply of anxiety.

We were all feeling it. All wary.

But our battle with Jean was to occur sooner than expected.

Our little war against one of our own.

There are so many things that come to mind when I think of that night. For some reason my memories wander to earlier in the evening... We had decided to watch a movie, and ordered some pizzas. When we all found it was Jubilee's turn to pick out the movie, I saw that we all wondered if it was such a good idea.

She held a DVD behind her back, a coy half smile planted on her face. Then as if realizing she had left us in agony long enough, she brought the movie out from behind her and started waving it in front of us.

Bobby laughed, Piotr raised one large eyebrow, Kitty looked confused, Ororo indifferent, and Xavier smiled, covering his mouth as he did so.

I was just fine with her pick. Jubilee put the movie in, which had to be paused nearly immediately after the movie started, for Scott and Hank returned with the pizzas. The only one missing was Logan, but even he appeared when he smelled the just arrived food.

After the whole commotion of everyone gathering their plates, pizzas and drinks finally settled, along with finding seats, Jubilee pressed the play button, demanding everyone to be quiet as the credits rolled.

And then the title came on, flashed across the screen along with four mutant turtles.

"I love this movie!" Hank boasted shocking everyone, him sitting in a large arm chair. How Scott had even gotten him out of his room to even join us, was a miracle, and him actually looking a little less austere than he had since we arrived, made me feel pleased.

So we watched the movie, some of us enjoying it more than we should have.

And then when the end credits came on, the silly theme bursting through the surround speakers, we suddenly started to debate with one another.

It was Kitty who started it.

"I think Michelangelo was my favorite."

"No Splinter was better. He beat the shredder."

"Maybe so, but he isn't a turtle."

"And that is bad?"

"Not bad, he just isn't a turtle."

That was Kitty and Piotr arguing, but soon enough the rest of us joined in, everyone choosing a favorite turtle. Before I knew it everyone was looking at me, I hadn't realized that I was the only one that hadn't picked one. I had been whispering something into Scott's ear, tugging on some of his hair, enjoying the way he looked at me, and the way his hand rested lightly on my arm.

"Well Rogue, who's your favorite turtle? I suppose Raphael!" For some reason that caused everyone to laugh. Jubilee looking over at Logan in a rather pointed manner after she said those words. Logan had gotten out of the question by stating that the turtles were nothing but figments of someone drunken mind and that he couldn't believe he had just watched such a thing. I myself couldn't believe it either. He must have liked it a little.

"Rogue?" Scott nudged me with his right elbow. We had been sitting on the large sofa together, Jubilee who was on the right side of me copied him and jabbed me on my left side.

"What!"

"Who's your favorite turtle?" Jubilee repeated again. The way she questioned me making me think she was asking me which President I was voting for.

I knew that Scott had picked Leonardo, Hank; Donatello, and the others I can't recall.

"I don't know um.. Leonardo.." I looked over at Scott. "No.. Raphael.. wait.. Michelangelo was adorable.. and well, Donny he was great with machines, maybe..."

"Raphael or Leonardo." I finally stated. Lifting up me head a little, I glanced around at the others.

"She would pick the hothead and the leader." I heard Bobby whisper to Ororo, him obviously not knowing that I had heard him crystal clear... over everyone talking, over the multi conversations going on, even Scott's low voice in my right ear, telling me he wanted to spend some time alone with me.

Bobby's words were as if an accusation. A bitter statement mixed with such rancor that for a minute I found myself staring at Bobby. Him taking up his can of coke and drinking some, and then maybe feeling that he was being watched, he looked over the room, his eyes resting on me. Then they widened. He then knew I had heard.

I grabbed onto Scott. Pulling him with me, Jubilee saying some smart remark as we left the room together.

I wasn't angry. Really I wasn't. Just didn't like the change of ambience, that was precipitated by eight little words.

And when I found myself in a dark hallway, Scott's arms wrapped around me, his voice low and sultry, his mouth soft and warm against my skin. Everything was forgotten.

Reflexively I put a thin field over my body, his touches immediately becoming dampened by it, although my responses became more aggressive, as did his.

When voices started heading our way, Scott led me up the stairs, not taking his hand off me nor his mouth off mine.

Before I even knew we were up the stairs, my back was suddenly flush against Scott's door, his body so near me, that he could have been a part of me. He reached behind me, opening he door, I nearly tripped thorough it, but Scott made sure I didn't.

"We're finally alone." He said to me, taking a couple deep breaths of much needed oxygen.

"Alone." I repeated, feeling as if I was in some sort of trance.

"And what shall we do now? Now that we are?"

I suddenly felt shy, heat building up in my cheeks. He came toward me, lifting up his hand he placed a couple fingers underneath my chin and raised my eyes so that I was looking at him.

"Why don't we start by getting out of these clothes.." Scott said, A million thoughts went through my mind at that moment, a thousand images bombarding me. But then he spoke once more. "And into something warmer, we can take the snowmobiles out for a little ride.."

My expression must have changed for he started to laugh.

"I do want you Rogue.." he said with a sudden burst of candor.. "Even here.. with all this going on.. Even right now.. " He placed his hand behind my back, pulling me toward him. "Man do I want you..."

I couldn't tear my eyes from his, I could almost make them out through his glasses. For one moment I saw the future in a tandem of flashes, not just those of us coming together in the most intimate way, but of a life that seemed to be forming, that encased the two of us in it.

He placed a kiss on my forehead.

"That's why we should go for a ride."

I waited for a further explanation. Something. But he offered none. With some regret I left him behind in his room, going to mine to change. I sat on my bed for some time before doing so, pondering what had just happened, what could have possibly happened.. what didn't.. and what probably would in the future.

But I finally changed, meeting Scott downstairs, we went for a ride...

It was dark and cold outside, and with the motors of the snowmobiles running beneath us, somewhat loud. We raced through the snowy, nearly non-ended backyard, laughing and enjoying ourselves. Finally stopping for a while as we turned the machines off and talked. The headlights remaining on, making the snow glisten in front of us as it sent shadows all around us.

Without warning, Scott suddenly got up, lifted his special goggles up, and before I could even register what he was doing, he blasted a rock nearby us with a short burst of red energy, making it glow as it suddenly heated up and started making the immediate area actually a little warm.

Then, when he seem satisfied with what he did, he dragged me off my mobile, taking me down onto the snow with him as he landed beside me. Him wrapping his arm around my waist pulling me to him. Body heat and natures cold mixing together between visible breath that escaped when his lips left mine. Us both taking our coats off once more so that we had something other than snow under our bodies. Luckily I had taken his advise and dressed appropriately...

I also remember the stars. Scott and the stars. Us lying by one another, my head halfway on his stomach as we looked into the vast heavens that was open to us.

There was such a feeling of possibilities, of bright hopes, and the distracting idea that I might have been dreaming everything up. Especially Scott.

Too soon we headed back. The hour or so we spent among the snow and nature, making us both rather untalkative as we just shared occasional glances with one another. Him following me inside to the Kitchen, turning me around to face him as he just stood in front of me, holding my hands in his as he just stared at me.

And then Xavier arrived. Bursting into the moment and kitchen as he requested Scott's presence.

The Professor had to ask Scott twice, since he didn't seem to hear him the first time.

"Can it wait Professor?" He asked of Xavier, his attention remaining on me.

But Xavier told Scott it couldn't. So with what looked like regret and a large pinch of conflict, he left me behind.

I eventually wandered back up to my room, passing Jubilee, Kitty and Piotr who looked to be playing cards. Wondering where Bobby was until he was suddenly walking right toward me, the hallway suddenly feeling cramped. I thought he was going to try to pull me aside and ask to talk, like he usually would have, but he obviously hadn't thought of what to say to me.

"Hey." Was all he said to me.

An unintentional frown appeared on my face. One that I barely managed to hide with indifference, as my expression became impassive.

"Hi."

"Going to sleep?"

"Maybe."

"Well.. sleep well."

"Thanks."

All that was passed without either of us stopping. The conversation reminding me for some reason of the one all of us as a group had before we ate breakfast, the morning after Erik's strange offer of help. Which mainly consisted of Xavier informing us all of it. Him telling us that he told Magneto it was unnecessary, but letting us know that Erik had a mind of his own, and would most probably do as he pleased. The Professor then leaving us all behind to mull that all over... I probably associated the two, since they both slightly aggravated me.

Needless to say I did go to bed soon after. I had waited up for Scott for a while, reading a book, but I soon tired, and drifted off... But not for long. Dreams collided with reality, everything turning into a nightmare, as I was forced into consciousness, when someone starting pounding on my door.

I knew what that meant immediately. There was only a slight degree of hesitation in me as I jumped out of bed.

Not soon after we would be standing in front of her. But she would see to it that we didn't remain that way for long.


	48. Wednesday May 4 2011

I have been on enough urgent missions to know when speed was required, and knew that I had to get dressed quickly. But even so, when I was zipping up my uniform, I found my hands were shaking slightly, a betrayal of my nervousness that brought everything into focus. Fear loomed inside of me, not really for myself, although there was that too, but more of a anxiety that, if I stayed with it long enough, I wouldn't have been able to leave my room.

It would end up I would stay in it a little longer than expected anyway. For after opening the door, I found Xavier on the other side, about to knock.

"May I come in Rogue, there is something you and I need to discuss."

"Now Professor? Can't we do this on the way?" His urgent words scared me somewhat as I stood there trying to gauge what was on his mind. Stupid considering _he_ was the telepath.

"No Rogue, what I have to say is for you alone. And must be said aloud."

His next words came out in a controlled rush, ending with him making a request of me, that I only had about a minute to decide on...

* * *

It was a week before Christmas. A time when I should have been wrapping presents, complaining about not having enough money and wondering if people were going to like what I had gotten them. Helping and preparing for the party that was supposed to be that very night, as I tried to figure out what I was going to wear.

Instead I was on a stealth jet, neither money or presents on my mind, and had no need to even consider what I was going to wear since that decision was taken away from me, by a black uniform. And although it had been modified slightly by a long leather coat that Scott bought for me, it was still what it was.

I wasn't feeling jolly like you are supposed to during such a season, nor even full of goodwill. I just had the incredible desire for everything to be done and over with. To see if there were going to be anymore tomorrows.

Or just that day.

The situation was direly critical, as we found out after we landed. Not that we truly expected anything different.

The Jet was parked and hidden in an abandoned warehouse that was owned by some acquaintances of Xavier's. We also found two jeeps inside that looked as if they hadn't been there long, tanks full and more equipment in the back of them.

When we finally arrived in town, what we had spoken out loud during our short drive was confirmed, all the lights _were_ out. The only thing saving us from the darkness swallowing us was the mini flashlights situated on each of our wrists and the headlights from the vehicles.

"It's deserted.. I.." But Jubilee's words ended with a loud swallow as Bobby's flashlight panned the area further from us.

Bodies. There were bodies. And ruined buildings and stores. The hotel I had stayed in a pile of unfamiliarity that was only recognized by myself because of the location. I thought of Darla, hoping she was OK, feeling partially unnerved at the fact that I had just read an e-mail from her before I had gone to sleep, fully expecting to write her back when I got up. But of course I never had the chance...

It was as if a hurricane had walked down the street, for everything on the road was clear and clean, while everything around it was ruined. Scattered. Destroyed.

Jubilee had barely finished speaking when Hank took off in the direction of the closest person. He leaned down, pulling someone, what looked to be a young woman out from under some rubble.

"She's alive." He yelled behind us. Causing some of us to get out of the vehicle and run toward him.

"You must help her.. and the others if possible.. We must continue to Jean. Scott?" Something passed between the two men. I think even some words telepathically.

I turned around and looked at the man who was now Cyclops, he was nodding his head downward, walking toward the next injured person, already holding a med kit that Hank had given him.

I saw that Jubilee was also staying behind, assisting the Doctor. I felt the need to stay also. Especially since _those_ two were. But knew it wasn't possible. That choice had also been taken away from me.

Xavier was already signaling Ororo to continue driving, but in the middle of doing so he saw that I wasn't moving. He had the vehicles stop once more, his eyes meeting mine with acknowledgment, giving me a moment as I made my way toward Scott.

"Scott?"

I saw that what had happened, had happened recently, for the people who had looked dead before, were just then reviving.

I grabbed onto Scott's arm from behind, and brought him to halt.

"Y'aren't goin' with us!?" My voice was weak, my words tainted with worry.

He faced me, his mouth pushed together firmly.

"These people need immediate attention until the medical help arrives." I was about to say something to that but he continued. His words clipped and to the point, and somewhat harsh. "Unless you have taken some first aid classes that I am not aware of you really don't need to stay. You'll just be in the way." I was ready to argue with that, after all, Jubilee was staying behind and she herself had only taken the most basic of classes. But Scott continued speaking before I got a chance. Beating me to another point I could have made. "And I am not talking about second hand knowledge from people you have absorbed."

"But Scott..." I wasn't tryin to get him to change his mind. We both knew that. But there was something about leaving him, that seemed somewhat tragic, that I couldn't stop myself from trying to say at least something. I hadn't thought I would be going at it all alone, without him. Why the heck couldn't someone else, anybody but him have stayed behind?

"Rogue you need to go. _Now_." He looked past me, toward the waiting vehicles. I knew I needed to go. I could feel the anxiety of one who was being rushed, pushed toward a point in time that no matter how it was looked at, probably wouldn't end well.

"But not without you!" I couldn't take my eyes off Scott. I wanted to tell him why I wasn't offering to stay or forcing myself on the situation. Explain to him what had happened with Xavier just fifteen minutes prior, that left me feeling so resolute in the need to face Jean personally. But I couldn't. There wasn't enough time. And even then..

He must have read something in my facial expression. Grabbing onto my arms he brought me forward and crashed his mouth on mine, surprising me with his shear brutality. One of his hands digging and clenching into my shoulder, another wrapped securely around my lower back that was keeping me firmly pressed against him.

But then with a push against my shoulders he shoved me away from him. Barely able to look at me.

"Go Rogue. I will be there soon.. I promise."

But he had lied. Not intentionally, but he should have never promised. I would see him again all right, but not until much later, not until I was so out of it that I was lucky I recognized him...

I couldn't believe it when I found myself rotating around and walking away from him. My shoulders felt so heavy, as did me heart. But I felt better when I heard him whisper to himself.. or perhaps to me..

"Stay safe. I love you..."

So already then things were looking bad. Going to confront Jean and not even having Scott or Jubilee with me. What kind of willpower Scott must have had not to go directly to Jean. I knew a part of him wanted to, even after all she had done.

Getting back in the vehicle, I sat down. The jeep taking off before I even settled completely.

I knew then that it would be minutes before we were there, an edginess started to build up in my, uncertainty creeping inside of me.

That was when I felt someone's hand take mine into theirs, squeezing it as they did so. I looked toward the person, seeing that it was Kitty, a concerned Kitty, who was watching me in a rather scrutinizing manner.

"You don't have to do this you know." She barely whispered, knowing full well I could hear her, although others could not.

"I have to... more now than ever." Kitty didn't understand what I was trying to tell her, and before she could say anything further.. we were there..

* * *

The Friends of Humanity building was intact. That was what came into focus first. That was what confused me right off.

We all got out the jeep immediately upon arriving, Ororo assisting Xavier. Logan coming up behind us with the second group, parking a couple feet away. Practically jumping onto the ground before he had even taken the keys out of the ignition. Logan made his way towards Ororo, Kitty, Xavier and I. Bobby and Piotr tailing him from behind.

"How are we going to do this?" Logan questioned, his tone probably more fierce than he had intended.

The Professor didn't answer for some time. His hand was resting on his forehead, his eyebrows furrowed with concentration.

"She had already taken out all the guards on the premises, the personnel have been evacuated.. an alarm has sounded. It won't be long until backup arrives." Xavier paled for an instant. He was leaving something out, I was sure of it. But I didn't pursue it since I knew he must have had his reasons.

"So she is still here Professor?" Bobby voice came out in a hush. Then with a sharp intake I knew he was holding his breath, as he waited for the response.

"Most definitely."

That caused Bobby to straighten up, I would have to with the way Xavier spoke to him.

Getting inside the compound was past easy. The gate torn off it's hinges, twisted and deformed. We all followed Xavier over the gravel and grass, Logan being cautioned a couple times, to stay with the group. Him hissing and grunting a couple of times, but he did stay put. Even when he looked to want to sprint ahead of us all.

We came upon Jean rather swiftly. Finding her wasn't difficult. Although seeing her was. She had enclosed herself in what looked to be a fiery wall, so bright and thick that in order to even look at it I had to cover my eyes with my hand, as I squinted through my fingers. When I managed to focus harder, it looked as if birds wings were enveloping her, strange smoky feathers wrapped tightly around her.

Nearly immediately after our arrival, it started to fade, until all that was left was Jean. Her face was downward, until it came up with a snap. Taking us all in she blinked slowly, her mouth becoming one grim line.

She had been expecting us. And for some reason, I believe she wanted us to be there.


	49. Thursday May 5 2011

Jean didn't say anything to us as she stared us down. Didn't move as she looked us over.

I inspected her as well.

She wore a dark red outfit that looked almost like a dress. The wind picking up and parted the front of her attire, showing she wore pants that were tucked quite neatly into tall boots. Her hair was long and loose hanging down her back, some filtering over her shoulders on both sides.

"I want you all to stay here." The Professor said abruptly, moving his chair forward as he did so.

"But Charles..." Ororo started walking toward him. Her arm already stretched toward him.

Xavier stopped, positioning himself so he could look at us, angled in such a way that his back wasn't totally facing Jean, as he glanced at her several times through what he said.

"I need to try to reason with her, talk to her.. see if I can get through... We already discussed this." The Professor's voice was coated with obsessive determination and absolute finality. His face stern, yet composed.

"But not you going alone we didn't!.. We won't let you!"

"Yes Logan, alone..." He glanced at us each in turn. "You all know what to do if this doesn't work."

We didn't argue with him further, just stood there about twenty feet away, watching as Xavier made his way slowly to Jean. Stopping in front of her he started to speak. Words that were garbled to the others, but I, and I know Logan as well, heard very clearly.

"Jean."

She said nothing. But she did close her eyes. That is when the ground started to shake. Although it wasn't the ground. Just the building that was around us. Jean was obviously on the verge of trying to destroy it.

* * *

The conversation that was going on between the two faded into the background, as subconsciously one of my other senses took over. My nostrils taking in a pungent smell, that made what was being said between the two, something I thought was so important before, seem like nothing as I realized what I was inhaling.

Sweat, blood, burning flesh, and other smells that seemed to out due each preceding one, as they formed a cohesive bond that when together meant one thing.

_Death._

Jean had _killed_. There was no other explanation for what I was sensing.

I looked around me slowly, not noticing that I had taken two steps backwards, until Logan's hand grabbed onto my wrist.

"Whoever they are, they are dead. There is nothing we can do for them now."

There was a coldness in his words, a hard detachment that matched the empty look in his eyes.

The others inside me became loud then.

The Mike in me agreed with him, the Pyro in me wanting to prepare for the worse. Scott was telling me to focus on the situation, and me, plain simple Marie wanted to find a corner to throw up in, or at least to breathe pure air, as the smells kept assaulting me.

But we had dealt with death before. In the Camps, on duty in Iran, and other foreign countries. In the guilds when one group tried to gain control over the other. And I myself had taken lives before. Flashes of memory as I tried to escape. Running down a dark tunnel as soldiers chased me, my claws slashing at the unlucky few that stood in my path to freedom.

But not me. **NOT** me.

_I_ didn't know death. Hadn't felt it so close to me, surrounding me, around me. To the right. My neck started to turn in that direction..

Logan squeezed my wrist harder then, probably realizing a little of what was going on in my mind in that slow thirty seconds.

"Now isn't the time."

He was right, there was no more time for lapses into my mind. For that was when Jean started to scream from whatever the Professor had just said, whatever it had been nearly costing him his life.

* * *

Things happened so quickly. Without any warning Jean brought her hands up, Xavier lifted out of his chair with her movements as his body started to glow and shake. A strange iridescent glow shimmering through and around him.

"Jean. Don't do this!" Xavier's voice quavered. But she didn't stop. Although her trying to destroy the building did come to a halt as she concentrated completely on him.

Immediately Storm took to the air, yelling off orders as she did so. Piotr ran underneath her, morphing, his height growing as did the rest of him as his body took on the gleam of metal.

The rest of us followed at a distance, Logan looking as if his tolerance for following orders was about to reach an impasse.

Our first strike came when Storm shot off a bolt of lighting, one that made contact on the ground just inches away from where Jean was standing. But that didn't deter her from what she was doing. Ororo's reluctance to hurt Jean forcing Xavier to act.

I don't know what he did, but it worked. Jean grabbed the sides of her head, screeching as she did so. Xavier crashed down at the same time, using his arms he barely managed to roll over to the side as his chair landed and broke next to him.

Not missing the opportunity, Storm brought forth a gush of brutal wind down toward Jean. Colossus grabbing onto the Professor, taking him away from what was going to be one of the most strenuous and challenging fights that we, that _I_ have ever faced.

* * *

Jean didn't waste any time at all as she knocked Storm out of the sky, the weather goddess shooting past us like a falling star that had no wishes left on it.

And then it was if Jean pulsed. No other way to explain it. Her body became enflamed, the energy shot inside of her like a vacuum, then let out in the form of a ring that blasted out of her and toward us.

Kitty grabbed onto Bobby and was able to phase right through it, I formed a shield and was able to protect Logan and myself. Luckily Ororo was far enough back that she wasn't affected.. We waited to see if Jean was going to do it again. But she just stood still. Not even bothering to acknowledge us any further. We just weren't of any interest to her. Her interest was more in the building that was still standing, the lights that were still on inside of it.

Barely giving me a chance to lower the field, Logan was running toward Jean, he obviously wanted to reach her first. Jean's head turned, her eyes making contact with him. Raising her hand up she brought it in front of her chest, and then brought it quickly away from her.

Logan was thrust backwards, crashing into a charred jeep. The momentum actually building up as he continued to hit other obstacles. His journey not ending until he landed over one hundred feet away from us, a fence stopping him. He tried to get up, but slumped back down. It would be minutes until he was standing once more.

Until then we were on our own.

* * *

All our training took over after that. Kitty going over to Logan to protect him in case Jean tried to do anything further to him. Holding onto him in just in case.

But it was Bobby and I that she was focused on then. Levitating objects she started throwing things at us. Poles, and rocks, glass shards and other deadly objects in the area. Bobby was able to freeze some of them, I was able to keep the metal objects away from us. Some of the stuff still managing to make contact as it ripped into our uniforms.

That all partially ending when Storm came back into the picture, her safeties obviously off and she directly hit Jean with loud thunderbolts and what looked to be freezing air.

But Jean deflected the natures assault as if it was nothing.

So Bobby and I joined in. As per Ororo's orders that were frantically spoken over the com lines that were fed into the tiny headphones hidden behind our left ears.

We were so close to Jean. Close enough to see a gleam of sweat that was on her brow, the highlights in her hair, and the indifferent determination that was lining her face

I don't know how long we kept it up. Long enough to see we weren't making a dent in the field that she had erected around her body. Long enough for Jean to up the ante as she blinked.

_Blinked._

That was all.

And five seconds later I found myself aching and tasting dirt, a good distance from where I had been standing. Bobby was moaning near me, blood trickling down his forehead where a large gash was located.

I saw that Storm wasn't far from us, she too had been knocked out of the sky once again. I believe she decided that was the last.

I watched as she got up, firmly placed her feet one after the other as a tornado encased her body, her hair shooting upwards, her cape flying around her as she made her way towards Jean once more, suddenly spinning into invisibility as her body became one with winds around her.

My superficial wounds already healed and my body recovered, I made my way easily to Bobby. I helped him up as he mumbled something about woman, fury and misplaced aggression.

That was when Logan rushed past us, Kitty following shortly after as she stopped along side us. She regarded Bobby and I as she gave us a "glad that didn't happen to me" look before her eyes shifted back towards Jean.

"What is he doing?" Bobby asked. More than just curiosity behind that inquiry.

"He's goin' t'try to talk t'her." I answered before Kitty could. Knowing Logan better than myself sometimes.

"That's not a good idea." He said, all the while making no move to stop him.

I really didn't believe either Jean or Ororo were going to let him. But as I saw Ororo backing away from the two, actually stopping her attack, I saw I had been mistaken.

"Enough of this Jean. Come back with us. We can help you!"

"Help me!? None of you seem to understand that there is nothing wrong with me! I don't need anyone's help! Certainly not yours!!" She spat out loudly, her hands clenched at her sides as her breathing became more pronounced. "I've never seen things so clearly or felt more alive! I no longer feel restricted or unsure." An indulgent smile flashed across her mouth then disappeared into obscurity. "Stay away from me Logan, you don't want to become a part of the problem."

"This isn't you! You're not like this.. You're not a murderer Jean." Logan pleaded, making a move to touch her, which caused Jean to back away.

"Isn't me?! What would _you_ know?" She laughed shortly, a scary little thing that sounded more than a little unbalanced. "Not that it matters. I am now who I was meant to be. But _know_ this Logan. Jean is gone. Jean is _dead_!!"

"I don't believe you!" He bellowed, no longer moving towards Jean, just standing willfully in front of her. I took in the way this his hands were curled, the way he kept brushing them against his leather pants on the side. Showing me in his mannerism, that he was prepared for the worst. Ready to attack if necessary. But not wanting to.

"Stop trying to save the damned Logan. Get away from me while you still can. For this is far from the beginning." She backed further away from him, watching him closely, sparing a disinterested glance for the rest of us.

"I can't leave you. Not now. Not like this." His voice wavered, emotion building up, covering everything he said with a sharpness that made one's heart want to skip with sorrow.

Something rubbed Jean the wrong way with those words. Her body became erect as her shoulders rose and then fell. Exhaling a long breath that was visible in the chilly winter air, she began to speak, her tone as cold as the snow littered on the ground underneath us.

"You think we have something together. But I feel nothing for you. Nothing but pity. You're vile. _Weak_. What we had was nothing but a diversion. I killed the man I love. I can certainly kill a feral beast, who is playing at being a man." Her inflection had graduated to contempt, her words slow and drawn out, plagued with acrimony. "You better stop me. _If you can_." Jean finished, closing her mouth she took on a look of expectancy as she waited for the outcome of what she had just said.

Her words did their thing, melting into Logan's ears, merging into him as they boiled his blood, making him more than just a little angry, as they ripped through his already thin restraint.

Logan let out a howl and lunged toward her. Making his move as he tried to grab her.

Their conversation was over.

* * *

Mid Jump, He came to a crashing halt, doing a turn mixed with a half backwards flip he faced the area behind us.

Logan knew, what I had sorta known, what had been working it's way in my mind, but hadn't quite shouted in my head yet to the point of acknowledgment.

"Backup is nearby."

"Soldiers are here."

Logan and I shouted simultaneously.

For some reason that caused all of us to turn toward where Jean had been standing... _Had_ been standing, since the area was empty.

She was nowhere to be seen. One moment of distraction and she was gone.


	50. Friday May 6 2011

Nowhere to be seen. And yet... I knew she was there. _Very_ Close.

"She's Gone?" Bobby asked, while and the rest of us including Ororo regrouped with Logan. I trailed behind slowly. Surveying the area around us. Above us. Near us. She could have been anywhere.

"Not gone." Ororo said with unquestionable certainty. "She hasn't finished what she came for." She waved her hands behind us where the Friends of Humanity building was looming, still fully intact. Then her attention drifted to Logan. "How long?"

Logan narrowed his eyes.

"Not long enough."

"How many?" Kitty asked, her tone telling us that she really, _really_ didn't want to know.

"Enough." I answered for Logan, him blinking slowly before nodded his head in confirmation.

"What do we do?" Bobby kept his view behind Logan. "And what about Miss. Grey?"

I felt strange standing there. Knowing Jean was behind us, knowing soldiers were about to surround us. Felt caged. Blocked. Any other occasion we would have retreated, avoiding the confrontation. But that time we couldn't. Not with Jean mixed in on the equation.

For her destroying the building, and killing her tormentors wasn't going to be the end. I knew that. We all must have. We had to take whatever chance we had to finish it. To obstruct her from the path she had laid out for herself. That would be filled with more deaths, maybe next time, those of innocents..

"We have a new objective for the time being." Ororo spoke up, all the while her head was moving back and forth as she glanced around. She looked a little ill at ease, but not knowing where Jean was, was doing that to all of us.

"Which is?" Kitty asked.

"To stay alive long enough to stop Jean."

* * *

Shadowcat, Iceman and Storm. Colossus, me and Wolverine. That is who was there, Colossus coming back just in time to at least add one more to our small ranks.

Ducking behind the small check in building we waited..

We didn't have to stay there long before the F.O.H. militia arrive. Helicopters with probing lights, jeeps with large guns attached to them. And of course a small army, all fully loaded with weapons already drawn.

"We know you are there _mutants_." A commanding voice said through some sort of amplifier device. Bullets impacting in front of us, sending glass and plaster in the air as he proved his point effectively. Showing us that they had some sort of heat detecting equipment. "Come out now... or our next shots will do more than destroy a little playhouse."

Surrender. They wanted us to surrender.

What they thing being a mutant made us mentally deficient?

With his last two words spoken, a thick fog started to surround us, a hot humid atmosphere inclosing us.

"Let's move." Storm said, a sharp fierceness lining her words. Matching the intensity of her eyes that were surging with the use of her powers.

She didn't have to tell us twice. Running through the provided cover, we made our way to the soldiers. Stray shots being fired off in random directions. Easily avoided by all of us. We wasted no time taking the militia down, able to discern through the murky surroundings better than most since, we had had more than enough training working in the dark.

By the time the atmosphere cleared, soldiers were sprawled out all around us, only a dozen or so left standing. Even less, when some ran away. The remaining were dealt with swiftly and efficiently.

Xavier would have been proud.

Kitty was jumping, phasing through some of the creeps, kicking and lashing out her fist quickly, just long enough to make physical contact. At the same time disarming them, taking off knifes, guns, even what looked to be grenades. Holding onto the explosives she took a pin out of one of them, phased them down into the ground and then backed away quickly. A small detonation rocked the area, destroying the weapons she had managed to acquire.

Too busy watching her small achievement, she failed to notice a woman, one of the few of the militia group, come up behind her. I shouted out a warning, but she didn't hear me from my distance. Kitty was shoved to the ground, and kicked hard in the leg. It would have been worse if she hadn't rolled to the side deflecting most of the attack.

Before Kitty even had time to do anything else, Colossus came hurling from behind them, an angry roar coming out of him as he put his hands together, raised them and brought it down in a flash of metal as he hit the militia lady hard on the back of her neck. After she crumpled down on the ground, Piotr walked over the inert woman's body, offering one of his large hands to Kitty as he helped her get up. Something passed between them, something brief but something that was becoming more and more identifiable.

He paused for a moment, unsure of what to say to her. Looking even a little uncomfortable.

"Next one?" He finally said.

"Next one." She nodded, flashing him a brief smile, which I believe he returned.

Off they went to the next unfortunate soul, to do more damage.

Bobby was doing something I had never seen him do before. Bypassing bullets, even objects being thrown at him he avoided them all. The whole time riding and sliding on ice that he materialized underneath him as he slid to and fro, back and forth.

Now and again using his other hand to shoot of shards of glassy ice, balls of hard snow and other things as he took care of more than his share of our enemies, all the while showing such a depth of extreme balance that I couldn't help but marvel at him.

The showoff.

Logan was slashing through the small lines remaining as he headed toward the tanks, his purpose abundantly clear, as I saw he too was going to make use of the over bounteous supply of grenades.

I myself after my spared glances for my teammates, was working alongside with Ororo, both of us diving and darting around, flying high above the ground as we diverted and kept the overly armed helicopters away from our friends, as we both led them a good distance from the area.

When we had brought them far enough away, we hovered for a split second.

"Ready Rogue?"

"Sure." I told her, sounding more convinced than I felt.

And we were off. All it took was a nod of the head and we both headed in separate directions. I had the vehicle on the left, Ororo the one on the right.

I hear thunder and lightening and what sounded like missiles being launched, but couldn't spare a look. My concentration on the task at hand. Ororo could more than handle herself.

I flew through the weapons fire aimed at me. I had a reverse polarity field covering me that left me unharmed as it repeled the objects away from me.

Reaching close enough to be able to see the pilots face I stretched out a hand, concentrating I did what I had intended all along. I shut the engine off. So many of it's parts metallic that it was child's play... and took no effort at all.

But not letting the helicopter just crash to the ground was something else entirely. I actually was enjoying watch the thing fall out of the sky.

The people on board were screaming and shouting out for help over the radio. So much for their advanced weaponry.

_But that wasn't me._ I couldn't just watch those people crash and die. Shaking my head I plunged downward, allowing myself to free fall for a while to catch up with the falling aircraft. When I finally did I saw the three people on board eye me with sudden fear, facing me seemingly more perilous than meeting the rushing ground.

The pilot was still intent on trying to straighten out the vehicle, I regretably knew it was time to assist. Slowing down the helicopter I stopped the deadly blades as well. And then I lowered them down.

Reaching bottom, I wasted no time ripping the door of it's hinges with a surge of magnetic energy. Quickly disarming them, I destroyed their radio.

Taking off in a flash, I met Ororo half way.

We flew back to the compound with unparalleled speed.

* * *

During the short while we were gone, the large facility had been destroyed, shattered and broken were the remains, barely dust on the paved ground.

And Jean was back.

Done with her chore, she was walking slowly on the ground, a penetrable energy flowing off Jean as her dark clothes swayed back and forth as if a wind was sweeping by her. But at that time it was quite still, it wasn't even snowing anymore.

The darkness was giving away to the dusk which was converging with the early morning rays, causing her to appear almost surreal. Maybe even peaceful.

But that image was quickly shattered. The serenity an illusion.

The Friends of Humanity had been taken care of, but the local law enforcement and military had responded.

Surrounding the area with numbers surpassing anything we had ever faced.

There was no shouted warnings, no offers of surrendering peaceably. All they saw were the bodies, that they assumed were corpses. The building lying in ashes, and a couple of mutants wandering around practically unscathed.

It just took one of them letting of a round of bullets that the others joined in as well.

Everyone ran for cover, I myself just stood there, watching Jean with sudden horror.

They had fired on her, sure. But they hadn't hurt her, she hadn't a scratch on her.

But Jean was angry. _Too Angry._ I suppose that it had all been bottled up and contained so long that she could no longer hold it back. A scream came out of her that sent chills rushing through me. Her hand brought upwards as a torrent of unimaginable force went out of her and then forward. Impacting and flashing through the area of firing individuals, imploding and disintegrating everything that it came in contact with it.

Shock took hold of me. Sudden death piling up perpetually as the wave of energy continued on its path.

People started running, but it did no good.

Pulling forth all the power inside of me I extended the shield that had been around me to the biggest one I have ever created before, protecting as many as I could as Jean's bombarding energy lashed against it. Making me grinde my teeth unintentionally as pangs shot through my body and head.

Everything became hazy then. I heard Logan shouting something, the sound of powers being used, but I couldn't discern who's and the feeling of being disconnected from it all intensified, as I tried with everything inside of me to save as many lives as I could.

I was aware of the fact that some of the people I was trying to help were actually firing at me, thinking I was with Jean, thinking that whatever I was doing was just another way to hurt them.

Stupid fools.

I was protected yes, but my emotions weren't. And when I felt hatred building in me I shoved it back down from where it came. Trying not to let it gain ground.

_They don't know what they are doing. They don't really know what is going on_. I told myself over and over. Forcing myself into a calmer state.

Glad when most of the people stopped and took to running away. Elevating some of the tension inside of me as I was able to decrease the barriers size.

The force that was thrashing against me stopped. But I couldn't risk dropping what I was doing. And when I felt it return, not focused on the shield but on me, I started wondering if what I was doing was futile.

I wanted to open my mouth to shout out a warning for the remaining armed forces to leave, but my mouth wouldn't cooperate, I could barely swallow as I tried to speak. I closed my eyes, feeling the energy inside of me replenish itself.. and when I was finally able to say something it did no good. Nobody was listening.

Or maybe they just didn't hear me over all the noise.

That was when I felt something whoosh past me, an explosion so close to me that I felt the heat against my right side.

But it hadn't been aimed at me.

I pried my eyes opened just in time to see another object fly past me, this time on the other side.

A car.

Suddenly a blast of fire licked at it. Exploding mid air, debris started to fall down around me. The larger parts landing so close to me that I actually felt the thumps as it made contact with the ground.

It was then that I figured out it wasn't just us X-men anymore.

The Brotherhood had arrived.


	51. Saturday May 7 2011

That was it. My decision made I shouted off one more warning, my shout not even halfway through I used the energy cover I had been providing as leverage, pushing on it I shoved the remaining people away. And away. As far as I could.

Dropping it finally, feeling my body physically more than I had been in the last long minutes, especially when intensity starting building up behind my eyes, one that had been forced and on purpose. I let of a wide optic blast, breaking up the ground in front of me, making a large ditch, one that would be hard to cross in a good lengthy direction around it.

_But boy did it hurt._ Taking longer than I wanted as the ground crumbled before me.

Sharp and intense aching, my vision gone and replaced by scarlet heat that left my eyes. Thinking about Scott as I continued, hoping that maybe what I was doing would be enough deterrent to ward off anyone else who felt like being a misplaced hero.

But not like they couldn't just go around, although it would take some time. They would have to tear down fences and who knows what else to angle themselves back around.

As soon as I was through I picked up some rocks, charging them. I threw them in several areas, blowing up trees, a couple utility sheds and other large objects. Anything that would create a further barrier to keep the people away, anything to give us more time to deal with.. everything. The funny thing was I felt a little miffed at that point, suddenly having a deep obsession for the feel of slick cards between my fingers. An Ace of Clubs, a Queen of Hearts. Watching it alight with kinetic energy that I myself provided...

I saw everyone scurrying away and past me, the X-men swallowed by the new arrivals. Straining my head a little to the left I tried to see though a bunch of trees that was blocking my line of vision about thirty feet away, probably the position Jean was in, if the noise was anything to go by. Or perhaps some of the humans got through. Probably both.

"Can anyone join this party or is this just for X-geeks?"

I didn't want to acknowledge him, but there was no way around it. I had seen and felt him coming toward me, halting for a second as if debating whether or not to approach me... or worse.

I looked at Pyro carefully, taking in the way he was standing, the way he seemed almost relaxed, yet alert. His hands in the heavy jacket he was wearing, as if he was trying to tell me he wasn't there to hurt me.

Of course it could have just been a ploy.

"Tryin' t'kill me or is that how y'say hi.. Johnny?" I threw in the name I knew would bug him the most. A name that I, once upon a time had been the only one allowed to even say to him. Anybody else uttered it and they would have left the room smoking.

He raised an eyebrow. Trying his hardest to appear aloof and disinterested, Logan's hearing denying that fact as I heard his heart rate quicken, even more as he proceeded to brazenly roam his eyes over me.

"Feeling a lot of people up are we Rogue?" His reference to my base mutation would have normally unsettled me, but for once it didn't affect me at all. "Cyclops.. Gambit too I see.. " Pyro laughed at my reaction to Gambit's name, me believing the two had never met.

"Don't suppose you have any more of me in you.. or do you just have an adversity to fire?" He took a couple steps closer to me, trying to upset me with his nearness. John was always one to test me, to try to goad me, always trying to see how much I would take from him as he pushed relentlessly against the barriers I put around me, both physically and emotionally.

"Sometimes it just doesn't do it for me." I started looking around and behind him, trying to take in what was going on around me, ready to get away from Pyro if the need called for it.. at the same time more than willing to play with the flame boy.. somehow the whole interaction providing a cathartic release of sorts.

"That's because you need the man behind the original energy to make it.. _stimulating_ enough." Closer still he came toward me, blocking me from the others. I didn't trust the man and yet, he hadn't done anything to provoke me.. yet. But I remained vigilante to his actions, what he did to me last time, or tried to do, still clear in my head.

"Fire only burns for so long." I contended rather playfully, something sparking in his eyes when I did.

"And ice melts away to nothing.. but fire.. fire can _consume_." He whispered to me, his voice strangely provocative. Pyro took another step toward me. Slowly, cautiously he reached out to touch my face with his bare hand.

I didn't stop him, but watched what he was doing with an obsessive calm. Ready to do something if need be while at the same time not showing how much what he was doing was unnerving me.

His hand veered to the right of my face as his gently clasped a lock of my loose hair, before he let it drop slowly.

"I just helped you, you know.. _You owe me_." His playful stare back on me, misplaced confidence coming off him in waves as his lips curved upwards in rather a gloating manner.

"Y'_would_ expect repayment for your one kind deed of the year." I pushed him away from me, walking past him. His hand shooting out to grab my arm, tightly he clung to it. Not letting me move any further.

"Let go of me." My words were firm. More than a little threat lying dormant underneath my words.

"And what will you do to me if I don't?" There was actually a hopefulness behind what he said, but it didn't outdo the jeering manner in which his words came out of his mouth.

I didn't like the way one of his fingers was sliding slowly up and down my arm.

Nor the way he was looking at me.

Cocky and arrogant, yet something else. Warmer emotions rising to the surface, pooling in his eyes before he blinked them away, replacing them once more with a mask of self assurance, maybe even a little spite.

"Just let go of me!" I swiveled my body slightly, then as if I was giving up I went still.

"Y'know John, you're right y'do deserve somethin'." My voice was warm, my accent thick and sensual. His grip loosened on my somewhat as he allowed me to maneuver to face him better.

That was when my left hand shot out at him, ready to hit him in the face. But he grabbed it readily enough as if he had been expecting it, bringing his other hand lower on my right arm he brought me toward him.

Close. _Real Close_.

He soon would know how much so when my knee shot up, making contact with the most vulnerable part of his body.

Down he went, with a groan.

Breathing suddenly hard he looked up at me a little shocked.

"That. Wasn't. Very. Nice." He punctuated each word. Speech sounding rather difficult for him at that moment.

"Y'should have listened t'me." I told him derisively, enjoying looking down at him on the ground, having him look up at me.

That was when he struck me like a snake, his hand shooting out, pulling on my leg, forcing me to fall backwards as he brought it upwards, him on me before my brain had registered that my breath had been knocked out of me.

Leaning over me partway, his upper body hovering over mine as he pinned me down on the cold ground.

"You've been with the X-men too long.. You could use a good _thawing _out." He told me, chuckling slightly at his use of words. His grip on me tightened. Leaning toward me he brought his mouth next to my right ear. "What do you say we ditch this little battle for dominancy and I allow you to warm me up.. There must be a hotel around here somewhere that hasn't been destroyed." His voice dropped in volume as his overly warm breath cascading down on my exposed skin.

The absurdity of his pickup line in the middle of everything, and his conceit that went with it, was just beyond believable. I managed a short laugh to let him (and maybe me as well) know that what he had said hadn't upset me at all, that nothing he said mattered. But that caught in my throat when I realized he might have actually been serious. And then suddenly I was pissed off.

"_I've_ been with the X-men too long!? _You've_ been with the Brotherhood too long, they have _completely_ warped your sense of reality."

John straighten up a little at those words. A scowl darkening his face, before it gave way to a lopsided grin.

The whole time he had been over me my proximity alarm in my head had been blaring inside of me. It peaked at that moment.

Especially since he was enjoying me squirm. The bastard.

I was just about to shake loose of Pyro, using probably more force than necessary, (due to his unending supply of audacity and presumption), when a large snowball hit him on the side, sending him back and away from me.

"Get off of her!" Bobby shouted from behind me, coming beside me quickly out of nowhere, offering me a hand up, while keeping his eyes on Pyro. He made a motion with his head. "Go.. I can take care of _him_."

There was some sort of accusation in his words, a hidden meaning that I picked up quickly. He wanted to know why _I_ hadn't handled the flamethrower myself... Why _I_ hadn't acted.

John was already up off the ground, wiping himself off he stood firmly in front of Bobby, a steel resolve shadowing his face and settling in his eyes. He glanced at me and winked, before his attention went back towards Bobby. Standing a little straighter he shot out his words.

"This coming from the guy who's _so_ brave he couldn't even tell his own family that he was a mutant." A sharp intake of breath left Bobby as his body became stiff, his head coming up with a snap.

Using his words as a form of distraction John lashed out his fist, letting it land on Bobby's chin, sending the Iceman back a couple steps.

I grabbed onto Bobby's arm, assisting him with regaining his balance. He barely acknowledged me, his concentration was on fire boy. I might as well been have been part of the dying shrubbery that was a couple feet a way.

"At least I _have_ a family." Shooting of ice, Pyro met it right on. Fire and ice meeting each other mid air as both collided. Melting, freezing. Evaporating.

"I believe you mean _had_ a family. As I recall your brother informed on you and your parents won't talk to you, let alone acknowledge you as something they _spawned_."

"Rogue, get out of here.." Bobby yelled once more at me, ignoring what was just said, "Rogue. I _can_ handle him. Go join the others.. I will be right behind you." He repeated again, his tone sounded more than a little displeased.

Pyro snickered at those words loudly while he intensified his actions. Enjoying the whole thing. Flames shooting away from him, highlighting his body and face, shadows passing and breaking, before caressing him once more.

The fire was getting closer and closer to Iceman. I didn't want to leave him and yet I couldn't get past the determination that had been very present in his voice. He wanted to handle the flamethrower alone.

I glanced at Bobby, then John. The latter who actually had the nerve to smile at me blithely.

"We can finish our conversation when I am through with your X." John spoke in an assured manner, his pride bleeding out of his ego.

Bobby visibly tensed by me. His taut muscles becoming more and more pronounced under his leather uniform, defined by the pressure he was applying against the fiery force.

Turning his head he looked at me for a quick second, I saw then that he was actually sweating. Something I can't recall ever seeing.

I nodded my head toward him, backing away slowly. A little worried.. but..

"Yeah... _Ok_.. Well I'll be over there." I told Pyro as I brought my hand up, curled my fingers toward my palm and pointed with my thumb in the direction I believed Jean to be in. My mordant attitude spreading through what I was speaking. "Don't keep me waitin' too long... Johnny." I laughed shortly. Blew both men an unexpected kiss that even I was astounded at, and took off.

A smile on my lips that shouldn't have been there.


	52. Monday May 9 2011

One is the outcome of their thoughts. Their thoughts put into actions and words, which creates experiences, everything forming to create a unique personality that should be, and is supposed to be, just yours.

So when you figure out a rare here and there, that you just did something, something you would never have done just a short while ago.. you realize that you are growing, that you are changing and that your personality is adapting.

The little confrontation with John, the flirty exit.. what was I transforming into?.. A spitfire?.. A tease? Or was I just becoming more of the true me..?

Those were some of the thoughts racing through my head at the time... Just a small fragment of too many more...

My interaction with John probably only lasted four minutes, five minutes tops. Maybe I should have bypassed him immediately and gone to the main fight. But, well, to be honest I didn't mind being given a chance to delay going against Jean.

I had an extreme lack of enthusiasm about the whole thing.

I could have just disappeared, flown or even ran away. Gotten away from the utter and complete mess and thought up a really, _really_ good excuse of why I had to. Not like anyone would have blamed me, or not have understood.

But excuses. Blah.

_Purpose. _

Yes, I had a purpose.

I had a reason for needing to stay. For needing to be there.

Because of Xavier. Because of what he did to me, and the faith he instilled in me, the trust he had in me.

There was no way getting out of any of it. _I had to move forward._

If the area I was heading toward wasn't a battlefield before, it was then. So much was going on. The whole area polluted with every kind of weapon discharge and mutant ability imaginable. The ground shaking, weather changing, atmosphere thickening, noise banging disarray, that made even our toughest danger room scenario look like a lesson in pure fantasy.

I stood a ways off before I continued, trying to locate everyone through the immense crowd, but couldn't find anyone familiar. Not even Jean. So much going on that it was hard to discern one from another.

But then a familiar smell, drifted behind me, rough steps hurrying toward me.

I shot around. Knowing who it was immediately.

"Where have you been Rogue?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but he didn't give me time to say anything.

"Magneto and his people are providing us cover.. so we can.. handle Jean." His tone was filled with animosity toward Erik and overpowering impatience with me. "Don't you have your com on? Why haven't you been responding?"

I reached toward my ear, my eyes opening a little wider as I realized that the communication device was not there.

"I don't have it.. I must have lost it." I partially yelled over all the noise that was around us.

"Things like that can get people _killed_. You above all others should know to be more careful. It's not just your life on the line if you make a mistake here!" His voice cut into me with it's extreme disapproval, his intense accusing stare making me flush with anger.

"You're one t'talk Logan. Being Careful.. Hah!... Mistakes.. Please!... Who are _you_ to lecture me! You're not my father, You're not my lover, and sometimes I don't even think you're my friend!" I had fire burning in my belly. Deeply offended by what he had just said. Everything going on around us and him actually having the gall to lecture me in the middle of it. I was more than a little hurt. Compensating for it with my screaming words, shouting at him as loud as I could, anything that would make my mouth stop quivering, the reaction my eyes were trying to have to cease. He was one of the few who could get such a rise out of me. Leave it to him to do it at such a time as that.

Logan gave me one long hard look when I completed my short diatribe, his nostrils flaring as he did so.

Hostility, ill-will and every other dark emotion were swirling around us. Connecting us to one another with almost tangible forces.

But that was broken for a time, when something went crashing right between the middle of us.. no _someone_.. Kitty. Her small body rolling, her uniform becoming more and more torn as the ground tugged and clawed at her small form. Finally she stopped, a small sigh leaving her lips as her eyes shut close.

That was when Colossus came barreling between us, coming after Kitty, maybe even running away.. yes running away. For he was being followed.

_By Jean._

There was no more time for words, actions overtaking us both. I jumped to the right just in time to miss whatever Jean was throwing at me. Logan bringing out his claws along with one scary roar, neither doing him much good when Jean picked up what looked to be a broken motorcycle with her mind, hurling the untethered object right at him, forcing him away from her. He tried to avoid it, but it followed him, closer and closer it got to him.

But then it stopped. Frozen in place.

It was me. My hand outstretched, not even knowing until I saw what I had done, that I had done anything at all. Everything becoming so natural and instinctually, that I hardly even needed a thought.

Jean turned to the side, a small malignant sneer filling her face as she clapped her attention on me.

"Try this." She said, dropping the small vehicle and her focus on Logan, as she uttered those threatening words.

Then with barely any gesture at all, except for a slight fling of her wrists, she ripped two huge trees right out by their roots, and directed them at me.

But that wasn't all. As they came toward me they lit with a white energy, hypnotizing me with their intensity... There was something about them that wasn't right. _I could feel it._

But I remained where I was. Standing a short distance away, watching as they came toward me. Putting a protective field in front of me as I thought how easy it was.

_But I was wrong._

Ripping right through magnetic barrier, the trees came right for me, fazing me because they had broken through so easily, and _shouldn't_ have been able to.

Someone pushed me from behind, sending me out of the way of the objects, the searing intensity from the proximity of the trees actually cooking part of my uniform and coat, burning through as it got too close to my left arm. I stumbled from the pain, falling to the ground as I tore my flaming coat off me and then grabbed onto my arm. Watching as it blistered and burned right in front of me.. Putting my fingers close to my skin, I manipulated ice crystals over it all, trying to soothe and maybe even stop the horrific onslaught on my skin.

"Stupid girl! Don't you know that intense heat disrupts magnetism!"

She was right it did, and the Erik in me had been nagging me, trying to tell me that but I didn't listen.

I got partially off the ground, leaning on my right knee, watching Jean as she slowly walked toward me.

She was close. _Too close._

My stomach felt as if I was on a roller coaster, my eyes on Jean's hands and face. Watching, waiting for her to make her move.

She was near.

No, she was right in front of me.

Sweat was building up on my forehead, a sense of panic coming through me, intensifying the queasiness in my stomach.

_I was going to have to act._

But then a flash of metal came from the corner of my left eye, a loud angry yell along with it.

_Colossus._

He smashed into Jean, the impact of which could have moved an elephant. But instead just sent _him_ ambling backwards.

Doing nothing to her. No, that is wrong, it did do something to Jean.

It annoyed her.

Bringing her head downward she strode away from me toward Colossus. Him backing away from her, looking as if he wanting to be doing the complete opposite, but couldn't, knowing it would do no good...

I must have passed out then, more hurt then I thought, for when I came to Jean was no longer in the area, and Colossus was lying near me, no, Piotr, for no longer was he made of metal, but of flesh. But at least it was living flesh. His rising and falling chest showing that distinctly enough.

I wondered why Jean didn't just finish us, contemplating several reasons, any of them having the ability to be the truth.

I got off the ground, wobbling as I did so, feeling partially numb as I watched my skin finish stitching itself, leaving no marks behind of what had been.

A hand came upon my shoulder.

"You ok?"

I faced Logan, getting his hand off my body at the same time, making sure he understood that I was doing so on purpose. I knew Logan well enough to see that that offended him, even with his stoic demeanor in full force.

Ignoring his words I looked down at my exposed flesh on my arm, the still smoking coat on the ground near me, then back up at him. I was still feeling upset and out of sorts with him. Not to mention extra miffed that my new leather coat had been ruined.

I brought my hand up and with a sweeping gesture, put out the small fires around us. Logan's gaze on me watching me attentively.

"I guess..." I finally answered him morosely. Finding it difficult to talk to Logan. Knowing I didn't want to. But knowing that I had to. "But what about Piotr?"

"We should move him." He ordered me, watching me carefully.

I opened my mouth to say something. But then closed it as I acquiesced.

So we moved Piotr in an even more isolated area, where Kitty was, where Logan must have moved her earlier. I know that he could have done it on his own, but he was trying to keep me distracted. Knowing how my thoughts have a tendency to get the better of me, when I don't guard myself enough.

At that point I was feeling breathless and completely out of it. That feeling growing when I heard Scott's detached voice through Logan's earpiece, responding to his call for assistance for Kitty and Piotr, letting us know he would get there as soon as he could, sounding more than occupied himself.

But then Ororo's voice broke through Logan's com line, loud enough for me to hear. Bobby shouting something as well. I briefly wondered what happen between him and Pyro but was more glad that him and Ororo were actually still with us...

But they needed help.

I remember that I couldn't stop myself thinking that we all did.


	53. Wednesday May 11 2011

We had to go a further distance than I had first supposed. At least two miles...

When we had come to the back of the compound and met the fence, I had been ready to do something about the obstructive thing, but Logan stopped me.

"Let me."

Out came an adamantium claw in a flash, ripping fiercely through the placed boundary that separated us from the others. Retracting it just as quickly, he took off again. Not waiting for me to crawl through the hole he had created, or to offer me some words of.. encouragement.

But I didn't need them.

So we ran. And ran.

Following after him, not asking where, or when. Just running blindly after Logan, knowing even through my shallow anger that I trusted him completely.

Through woods we went, past houses, over more fences and then back into more woods. Dogs barking at us, owls hooting in dark passages, and the sound of our boots crunching against the soft snow.

The morning light growing as the rays shot through the trees, brighter and brighter it became until the dark finally disappeared altogether.

I tried to regulate my breathing as I allowed the secluded feeling environment fill me to the brim with strange bursts of hope.

It was a moment of reprieve that was much needed.

But then Logan stopped. Forcing me to as well.

And that was when perdition came into view.

* * *

Actually it was a gas station. A deserted one at that. Cars that looked abandoned, lights that were on the fritz. And people moaning on the road around it. Some that looked to be the Brotherhood, others unfortunate bystanders.

My senses told me they were all alive, but that didn't stop me from going to one of them closest to me. But Logan, maneuvered his hand around my body, placing his hand on my upper stomach, and pulled me back.

"We don't have time for that."

"Logan these people are _hurt_.. we should help them." I made a move to lean down, but he stopped me again.

"We are going to... by stopping this before it goes any further."

I felt extreme dissension them. Rebellion leaping up in me, the need to do the complete opposite of whatever he was suggesting.

"You coming?" His words were hard. Brutal. And the hint of a challenge underlining them.

I looked around me, taking in the human suffering.

"I can't just leave them Logan!"

"You can, they will still be alive when this is over.. But the next ones she comes across might not be so lucky."

And that was when I made my decision. One of the toughest in a long while.

I left them behind.

Not because of Logan's words, not because it was the strategical correct thing to do.

But because I was tired.

Not physically although there was that as well, but more mentally.

And sick.

Sick of the suffering, of the killings and murders. My friends being hurt and people trying to kill _us_.

There is only so much you can take. So far you can bend until you realize you either stop it or you break in half.

That time was then.

* * *

And then what do I come upon? What spectacle was waiting for me? Not one that I had supposed. Not one of the many, many scenarios I had ran through my busy little brain.

To find Magneto on his knees, his hands out in front of his as he tried to ward of Jean's attack, was not expected. I had presumed that he was one of those left behind on the Friends of Humanity base, covering our flank.

_But of course not._

Instead of doing what he had said, he had probably decided to approach Jean himself, thinking in his presumptuous manner of his, that he would be able to say something to her that would somehow bring her on his side, or at the very least gain her attention.

And while he was in the process of getting a good dose of the latter, I don't think it was the kind he was aiming for.

He looked as if he could handle himself for a while, especially since some of his people looked to be trying to help him. One person with a flash of white and blue, was running around Jean and picking up speed, the actual snow was rising from the ground, mixing with the rush of wind until it became a white ring around her.

Another was causing the earth to break up and crack. And another and another, doing this, doing that, some actions more interesting than others.

We regrouped with Ororo. Not as easy a task as typing it. Having to force our way through the Brotherhood, who were doing everything possible to keep Bobby and Ororo away from Jean. Fortunately most of them were distracted with the purpose of getting Magneto free from Jeans grip.

When we finally reached the two, there was no stopping to chat, instead the conversation flowed over the fighting.

"Sorry, they destroyed our communicators, or we would have warned you." Ororo told us rather breathless, yelling slightly at us, her back facing us as she jumped, kicking someone right in the jaw. Before I could even blink she was already doing something else as she caused hail to fall out of the sky and land around her. Pushing and throwing some people back.

"Magneto and his people came out of nowhere.. " Bobby added, dropping and rolling to the left as someone sprayed what looked to be acid out of a rather large mouth at him. Jumping back on his feet Bobby extended his fingers, covering the offenders mouth with a thick layer of ice.

"And you're surprised?" Logan, grunted, already occupied with a very large man, the biggest I had ever seen. Wolverine's adamantium was flashing as he made contact with the man's oversized belly, more than a little surprised, when the only reaction to his move was a rather guttural laugh from the big monstrous person.

"You are right Logan. We should have known. But now isn't time for incriminations. We need to .. " Storm paused for a second, ducking out from under a heard of birds that were trying there hardest to peck at her. Reaching her hands outward, wind gushed forth, knocking the creatures away from her. Twisting to her right side, she flexed her fingers, sparks of electricity blasting the woman who had been controlling the small animals. ".. Get to Jean."

I was more than a little busy myself as two twins, dressed in full ninja garb, came at me, their moves mirrored in or even completing each other as they attacked me. But that wasn't all. I found in no time at all for them to make contact with me, was a very, _very _bad thing. For it wasn't just pain that shot through me, but a coldness. A sweeping sensation that started from wherever they managed to hit my uniform that spread quickly throughout the rest of my body, making me feel numb. If it hadn't been for Logan's regenerations, I am sure that I would been stunned and that it would have been more than a little difficult to fight back.

When they saw that they weren't really slowing me down, they started going for my exposed skin on my face and arm. Their intentions obviously was to multiply their painful effect with true contact. Maybe not knowing who I was or what I could do to them if they did.

The thought of them touching me more than aggravated me, it deeply annoyed me.

And then they pulled out weapons...

Leaning to the side I pulled out Gambit's old staff, extending it while twirling it in my hand, letting it end in front of me with the completed rotation. And man did I feel like fighting. The need to bypass all the mutant abilities inside of me and test the natural ones that had been instilled in me by Xing, practiced upon and sharpened by others, and not used enough for my own tastes.

I always did like a good brawl.

With a sharpness I didn't know I was capable of, I took them on, with a Bo that I thought I had been stupid for bringing along.

Someday I would have to thank Gambit. For his staff was a work of art. Perfectly balanced, durable and strong. Lasting against the twins hard blows that came at me with their sais and katanas. Landing more than a few of it's own, that probably had more to do with my humble skills than the actual weapon itself, but fine tools can increase ones advantage.

It wasn't an easy fight nor a painless one. The two of them coming against me at once. Swift, organized and very competent they were.

But they had apparently never gone against a motivated southerner. And I suppose me being able to sense the metal of their weapons, as far as where it was going to land made it more doable as well.

I finally just let my mind shut off, drowning out the voices in my head that were trying to direct my movements, allowing instinct to guide me.

_My_ Instinct.

When one after the other the two ninjas crumpled on the ground before me, I couldn't help but grin, A self indulgent thing that felt a little conspicuous.

Turning my back on them I started walking back toward the others, not that I had parted far from them.

I saw most of the fighting was though in that area.

That was when I heard it. A soft clinging of metal.

Twirling around I was to find that half a dozen shurkins were coming toward me, one of the supposedly downed twins making a last try before she passed out.

Logan shot toward me, shoving me roughly to the side, not even giving me time to act.

Running and jumping in front of me his claws extended, twisting and turning he blocked them all, the deadly objects making contact with his blades. Off they ricocheted, some baring into a tree, others shooting through some bushes, one digging itself into a steel pole.

When I was done watching all of them reach their destinations, I turned back toward him.

"Yeah you could have handled it." He mocked me slightly, knowing he was saying exactly what I was about to accuse him of. "But I like watching your back."

There was something of an inference in his statement. Looking at him closely, I saw his eyes dancing with amusement.

Until they flashed with shock.

That was when I was struck from behind.

Or more accurately pushed.

When I spun around I didn't see anything, but then I heard grunting behind me, an angry curse and the sound of punches landing.

I was slightly astounded to find Logan reacting as if he was being hit, blood trickling down his face from a split lip, tears appearing randomly in his leather uniform as if something was taking pieces of it. And him being thrashed and jostled about as if he was being struck.

But there was no one there. _Or so I thought._ They were just moving too fast to be seen.

Looking down I saw footprints forming in the snow, circling around and about us. The wind picked up near me, new scents lining the breeze as it blew into me. Something tugged at the edge of my brain, something about the person's smell was vaguely familiar.

I knew it was same speedster I had watched earlier, the one who had been trying to help Magneto.

_Magneto. _

The person vaguely smelled like Erik Lehnsherr!

And not from contact, or from being around him. It was embedded into the skin and body.

I saw that Logan too was able to smell the person, for the one sided assault stopped moments after it began. Veering out of the way, he moved to the right, his eyes becoming hidden behind his eyelids as he peered through them, focusing on the area in front of him. And then with a flash of movement Logan brought his right hand back, curling his fingers tightly into his palm he violently thrust it into seemingly nothing but cold air.

Only at the last instant I was able to make out a streak a color, the sound of running feet more evident than ever before, as the person tried to stop.

But they were going too fast.

Logan's balled fist impacted with a man's face, a man who seemingly appeared out of a gush of wind.

Crashing and tripping the person nearly ran right into a tree, avoiding it only to lose his footing as he went down a sharp declined path not too far from where I had been standing.

He didn't come back.

Logan walked past me and looked down the small hill, shaking his wrist in an agitated manner as he did so. I joined him by his side, a little curious of the person that Logan had belted.

But there was no one there, just apparent signs of blood, some bent bushes and heavily trodden footprints.

"Where'd he go?"

"Straight to hell for all I care." Logan was patting the inside of his uniform, looking for something as he became more and more frustrated with each rough pat. One of his eyebrows shot up as his mouth took on a twisted frown. "The son of a.. he stole my cigars!"

"You've got plenty more Logan." I told him, actually becoming amused. Did he really want to smoke right then? Right there? For all I knew he could have.

He started murmuring under his breath in a heated tone, some words more coherent than others as they rung through my ear canals, making me flinch.

"That's not the point Marie! Nobody. And I mean _Nobody_ steals from me. Especially not the son of Magneto!"

My suspicions were confirmed. I had always known Erik had children, just never thought about actually coming across them.

"Well cheer up Logan, I think y'broke his nose." I was thinking back on that horrible crunching sound that had resonated from the malicious collision of flesh.

Logan's eyes lit up at that comment, his mouth building a smile until it came crashing down before it was fully formed. He kicked some exposed dirt out from under his boots.

"I was aiming for his jaw."


	54. Thursday May 12 2011

Four of us. 4.

Such a small number. Suck a trivial little digit that Jean was more than willing to subtract from.

Ororo was first.

Jean knew our fears, what sent chills down our spine and left us sweating and full of ominous terror. She had no qualms about using it against us.

Playing with us as she manipulated those around her.

No longer were Magneto's remaining minions fixed on fighting Jean. Instead they were helping her. Maybe not willingly, as Jean took metal control over them, but they were assisting her none the less.

That was how Ororo was buried, forced down into the earth as it actually opened up and swallowed her, assisted by a young woman, who's eyes were so glassed over that I wondered if she had any conscious thought at all that was her own.

None of us could help her. Just watch in terror as her claustrophobia was used against her in such a sinister fashion. Even when Storm broke through the earth on her own, I knew she was done for, her eyes wild and full of panic, her breathing so strangled that it must have been a blessing to her when she passed out from the terror she had just been through.

It was one thing to fight the Brotherhood. Another to fight Jean who was using them to her every advantage.

Enjoying herself as she stood off on her own, her eyes open with obvious excitement as she played with her new toys. Sending them our way.

That was when I decided it was time.

You see, when Xavier came to my room, he came so looking for a favor.

A wild card that he could use against Jean.

_He gave me his powers._

I was against it at first, until he let me know that he could transfer them without me having to get any of his.. personality, memories, etc. Just the abilities along with the knowledge how to use them. I knew if anyone could do it, it would be the world's most mentally disciplined telepath.

He wanted me to block my teammates minds, not giving Jean the chance to distort our views or control us, read our minds or exploit us in any way. That is if she had gone that far off the deep end.

"But can't y'do that Professor?" I remember asking all those many, many months ago. My question causing him to tilt his head as he looked at me openly, allowing me to see the uncertainty that was filtering through his features.

"Yes. I can. But one never knows what the future holds."

So that is why I didn't stay behind with Scott, why I had to confront Jean no matter what. Why I pushed myself forward and tried not to look back.

Ever since Xavier had been injured I allowed my mind to protect the others, supplementing for his absence.

It was an odd experience.

Guarding so many minds, while trying to keep clear of the outer thoughts and emotions.

Yet, It came so naturally I barely even acknowledged I was doing anything.

Until Jean went Puppetmaster on us.

After that there was no reason to hold back any further. Bracing myself, I took a deep breath.. and then I opened my mind.

Not prepared for what happened next.

* * *

Voices surrounding me. Whispering. Yelling. Urging me. Emotions and feelings building up and releasing.

Hundreds of people. No more..

Growing, surging, breaking against the rim of my mind and then building up again.

Overwhelming is a word that I became acquainted with...

A woman angry that she had just burnt her last piece of bacon.

_Can't even cook. Why do I have to be so pathetic?_

Self incrimination...

A man miles away, paying a clerk in a grocery store, a young pretty woman that he unconsciously always went out of his way to see.

_Why can't my wife look like that._

Guilt...

A young girl running around her neighborhood, enjoying the feel of her new jogging suit. The peace and quiet of the new day surrounding her. Until she realized she was being watched, and followed. And suddenly her solitude was broken. Especially when she was grabbed from behind.

_No!_

Terror...

A young mother nursing her newborn. Half awake as she looked down at the new life nestled in her arms.

_Beautiful._

Joy...

A newlywed man looking down at his wife that was still sleeping soundly beside him.

_I don't love her._

Regret...

A grandmother taking her last breath. Her grandson holding her hand. A small accepting smile exchanged between the two.

_Goodbye._

Peace...

Louder and louder, everything twisting and melting together, shooting through my head.

Love, Anger. Hate.

Fear.

Pity.

Surprise.

And then control came in a blinding rush, walls built up and fortified, voices distinguished, silenced and muffled.

All this happening in a matter of seconds.

Using my new talents I broke Jean's hold on Magneto's people, ripping through her metal grip on them while at the same time turning them off, letting unconsciousness take hold of them as they fell to the ground. Not giving her any more minds to play with.

Bobby stopping in his tracks, Logan cursing loudly. Both looking around them until their faces landed on me. My fingers straining against my temples.

Logan realizing before Bobby what was going on as he looked down at the prone bodies and then back at me. His mouth slightly opened as he figured out what I had done.

But that wasn't all I have archived.

I had also gained Jean's complete and undivided attention.

* * *

"Watch Yourself!" Bobby shouted a warning at me, realizing at last what was going on. Jean was strolling toward me at a leisurely pace, her continence filled with an underlined hostility, her eyes darkening. Her hands reaching and pulling.

And then everything blurred.

And I, somehow had fallen on the ground, one hand on my knee as I tried to catch my breath.

Breathing ragged and hard. Gasps catching in my throat.

Looking down at the absurdly white snow, watching as it turned red. Droplets of blood leaving my nose.

"Rogue!" It was Logan that time, I brought my head upward, suddenly feeling lethargic and heavy. He was in front of Jean, his claws extended as he stood in her path resolutely.

"I knew there was a reason.." Jean was saying, looking at Logan with vague interest. "Why I couldn't reach your minds."

Tilting her head to the side she started scrutinizing him.

"But your little Marie is a little wasted right now."

I heard my name coming from her lips, echoing in the area.

Knowing that she wasn't supposed to know. Knowing that the only way she could have figured that out was if she was in his head.

_Logan's head._

Bobby was beside me, trying to help me stand, uttering words that blurred into my ears, scattered through me and disappeared.

And Logan dropped. Landing hard on his knees. Jean taking two more steps toward him.

"What?!" He stopped. Took a deep breath and tried again. "What are you doing to me?" Logan yelled, his claws retracting as he grabbed his head and gasped with sudden pain.

Jean smiled then, a dismal thing that twisted her lips upward. Bringing her hand out she placed her fingers under his chin and forced him to look at her.

"You always wanted to know about your past.. well.. Welcome to your own personal hell Logan."

Leaning down further she came toward Logan, her lips hovering over his, at the last minute she stopped short, her hand flashing forward as it cracked against his cheek.

And then she must have intensified whatever she had been doing to Logan, for suddenly he was writhing on the ground, screaming and howling as he crashed widely about. Until he became silent, deadly silent. His eyes wide open with horror, as he re-lived, who knows what.

Shaking, I was leaning on Bobby for support.

"Stay here!" Bobby said with sudden venom. And that was when he started to change right before me, morphing into a crystalline structure, actually turning into a walking, supposedly breathing ice form that looked just as shocked as me that he had just done that.

I tried to say something to him but couldn't. Tried to speak but my mouth wouldn't move.

He was running toward Jean. Spraying ice in front of him. Circling her he continued what he was doing. Until she was frozen inside a thick layer of ice.

Bobby turned his head, looking at me with a pleased expression coursing through his features. He brought his hands out past his body, palms at an angle, his shoulders lifting with the movement.

"See that wasn't so ha.." But he never finished his words.

Ice shattered and erupted. Jean bursting out of it all.

A shrewd look from her sent Bobby flying, crashing back toward the gas station as he landed in front of a gas pump.

But she wasn't through.

And I saw what she had in mind.

But I could do nothing, I was paralyzed.

Fortunately Bobby too saw it coming, his premonition probably the only thing that saved his life.

Getting up he started to run, jumping as an explosion rocked the gas station, enveloping his escaping form as it spit him out of the other side of the road.

I wanted to scream. But couldn't. Wanted to help. But was unable to.

My moment of weakness letting Jean gain ground momentarily, as she held me in a firm grip with her telekinesis. Not letting me move or even speak.

Not letting me help Bobby or Logan.

All I could do was stand there and watch.


	55. Saturday May 14 2011

Oh God.

Bobby. Logan.

My heart clenched inside of me. Tears welling up, releasing slowly down my face.

Helplessness. Extreme bitterness.

And Jean in front of me.

Pleased.

"Well," She uttered, looking around her before returning her attention back towards me. "Looks like we girls are finally alone."

I couldn't see Logan or Ororo, couldn't see Bobby. Magneto long gone, his followers littered here and there still out cold. Some further injured with their proximity to the exploding gas station.

I had no option but to look at her. Her hold on me still firm. Her sparkling green orbs that were filled with mockery. Fires burning behind her, playing with her hair, pushing light toward her that danced across her too perfect skin when she turned to the side to gaze at what she had done once more.

But she looked hard. Indifferent. Jaded with hatred and anger.

"What's that Rogue?" She paused, her continence twisted and scarred with derision. "Kitty Cat got your tongue?" Not the most original thing to say, especially from her, but it still freaked me out, in particular when she laughed. A sound that even when I think about it still makes my hair on my arms stand on end.

Jean became serious once more, as if the humor hadn't even been present.

"Oh, Wait, I forgot... I have it."

_That did it._

A force inside of me discharged, feeling as if it took my sanity with me, then came back as it left me once more with lucidity but everything was distorted and silenced.

I couldn't stop the gasp that escaped my lips.

That was when I broke free of her mental grip on me. It was terrifyingly painful. My mind feeling as if it was being jolted with electricity, shattered and restrung back together, then acid poured inside my head as it boiled away inside me.

The look of shock on Jean's face almost payment enough for all the crap I had had to endure, starting with me forced out of bed with hardly any sleep and everything that followed afterwards.

But I wasn't done. Before she could even blink I used the fire behind Jean that she herself had caused, bringing it toward her, a rolling thunder of heat that grew as I focused. A focus that was diluted, and strained, powers that were harder too control. Concentration that was dwindling. But I still managed.

I jumped and rolled. I really believed it wouldn't make contact with her, so when it did, when it sent her flying, crashing into a tree, it was my turn to be surprised.

Jean really hadn't been expecting me to break free. She hadn't even bothered keeping her protective barrier up.

Her Mistake.

My advantage.

Getting off the ground my legs started to take me to where I had seen Bobby land. Wanting to split in to two and go after Logan and Ororo as well. But I had to see Bobby first, the fear of him having been killed in the blast suffocating my thoughts to the point of intolerability.

Especially when I couldn't feel his presence.

"Rogue!" Jean roared behind me. Not even a minute did she give me, not even time to get to the road that I wanted to cross before she came after me once more.

I regrettably faced her, twenty feet away from me she was, but that wasn't a problem for her.

She looked out of phase, energy all around her, rippling her very appearance. Distorting and stretching her image. Jean reached toward me. Her eyes narrowing.

I felt something. A slight tingling sensation that washed over me.

But that was all.

She dropped her hands. Her eyes wide with displeasure.

"Figured out how to block me did you? I don't have to control you to hurt you!"

Before I could even prepare myself I was thrown toward the ground. Hard, barely managed to tilt my body so that I made contact less harshly. Jumping up as quickly as I could, I reached behind me once more, pulling out my staff and extending it.

I could have used my powers, but I was wasted. Exhaustion creeping inside of me that was veering for attention. My regeneration seemingly slower, as my energy seemingly depleted itself with each move.

Aiming I threw it at her, continually running away from her, as I tried to find cover. But it didn't make contact. Out of the edge of my eye I saw it stop just inches from her, dissolving into nothingness.

I picked up my pace. Trying to clear my mind and think what I was supposed to do.

And there was more than just that.

There had been from the beginning, since I left Scott behind, when my friends were being attacked by Friends of Humanity and military.

Growing when Jean had been tormenting Ororo, Logan and Bobby.

Annoyance.

Anger.

Hatred.

I tried to keep it down inside of me, Tried to remind myself, that she had been one of us. That she had been my friend. That Scott had loved her.

But those thoughts wouldn't do. The more I told myself the more bewildered I became and the more willing to give in to the surging emotions that were building up deep inside of me.

Her violating me when she took my very will away from me , freezing me to the spot with my eyes glued open.

Rage.

Like nothing I had experience before. It was clouding everything.

Destroying my clarity of mind and making it very hard to keep a sane perspective of it all.

* * *

It was yet another opportunity to run away from it all. But I couldn't.

All alone, I was.

Pangs shot through my legs with every step, cold air hit my bare skin, where my uniform had been torn and burned.

I stopped then.

Breathing in the bitterness that stung down my throat, exhaling life as it mingled with the chilling atmosphere and became visible.

I was panting, feeling slightly wobbly and way too tired.

Jean in the distance.

Why didn't she just kill us all and be done with it? And why did she let me get away from her as far as I did?

Too many thoughts. More and more. Pounding in my head, along with trying to keep every power inside of me still and silent.

Too much. Too many.

_Overwhelmed._

She was coming toward me again, in no obvious hurry. A gesture here, a stare there, and suddenly objects around me where shaking. Snow underneath my feet twirling around me, branches coming off trees and coming toward me. Rocks lifting up off the ground, aimed at me with careful deliberation as they shot toward my head.

Blocking it I jumped and leaned. Flipping and rotating out of the way.

A stop sign shooting past me, the smell of burnt rubber as tires shot past me..

_Why isn't she doing anything?_

I heard Jean's thought in my mind loud and clear.

I was sure that was the last one that filtered through. I didn't want her in my head again, even if it wasn't on purpose.

It was getting harder and harder to move, more and more objects coming my way, more and more making contact, ripping away at me, exposing my skin as she continued her assault.

For a while I couldn't do anything, just dodge as best as I could. My powers were there, but they felt so weak, as if a whisper in the back of my mind, a whisper that slowly by slowly was becoming louder and louder. Strength shooting through me, sounds becoming clearer, smells becoming so intense that I could almost taste the frozen grass around me. Energy was building up in me, my eyes burning, it was too hot, no too cold.

My body healing, scratches and bruises slowly disappearing, gashes closing up.

My mind becoming easier and easier to navigate, more voices of others becoming louder before they dimmed into the back of the vestiges of my brain.

Tiredness retiring as I became fortified and replenished.

And once I got the ability back of coherent thought, I realized something.

Jean was beating the crap out of me.

And it just wasn't right. Not at all.

* * *

The rancor was back in full bloom. The sickness inside of me spreading like an uncontrollable virus.

I was alone, miserable, and just so ready for the whole deplorable affair to be over with that I was willing to do anything. I may have been revived in body, but my mind was unsettled. My thinking rather twisted, and my morality was on a see saw going back and forth as I thought of what I wanted to do.

I wanted to _hurt_ Jean. Cause her pain and make her suffer for everything she had done.

The whole time she had been walking toward me, shoving things at me as she did so. A couple feet away from me she stopped. Her head tilting to the side as she looked me over, her attack on me stopping as she did so.

I was leaning against a tree, my hand covering my arm that was bleeding, one of the deeper cuts she had managed to inflict on me.

"Pathetic." She scoffed. "I really thought you had _potential_." She spat out the last word as if I had sullied it.

"What Scott wanted with you is beyond me. You're nothing but a insipid little creature who can't even help her friends.. let alone herself." It was still strange to me hearing Jean's voice so hostile, especially with it directed at me. Jean the one who had always been so understanding and empathetic, the one who was always so calm and in control, not to mention a very positive influence.

But she was way past that.. to say her words didn't sting would have been a falsehood. They clung to me, some of her words ringing through me over and over, becoming louder and louder until it was almost a scream. The worst part was that it was in my own voice that mocked me. Allowing it to get into me more than it should have.

Jean turned away from me. I knew then she was done. Was going to leave.

At that point there were two thoughts louder in my head than all the others, ones that actually overrode the horrible emotions of inadequacy that were trying to submerge in me from her just spoken words.

One.

I couldn't let her escape.

Two.

She still didn't know that Scott was alive! That she _didn't_ kill him...

And how could she not? That moment when she ripped into Logan's mind didn't she gain that information then? Unless she hadn't been looking for anything in particular. Hadn't bothered.

And couldn't she have gleamed it from the others? Magneto certainty knew Scott was alive. But then again he wore his helmet and well, it just all gets confusing sometimes.

Since then I had been shielding the others once more, even Bobby who finally came back into my minds existence. She wouldn't be getting anything from any of them anytime soon.

Not while I was able anyway. Not even if I had to forsake everything and just focus on that task.

Not that I believed she was going to try again.

For she was leaving.

Or at least trying to.

The finish line was suddenly coming into view.

And I had a little catching up to do. But Jean had plans as well. Without even turning around she shot something toward me, a small metallic object that looked to be holding some sort of liquid.

I recognized the object practically immediately even from the distance, and as it came zooming toward me, I couldn't help staring at it in horror.

_It was the cure._

My mind ran laps around itself as it tried to figure out where she had gotten it from, the Friends of Humanity that we had just fought? The soldiers? Or from an earlier time.

The retched liquid had been taken off the market for some time, outlawed for even longer.

But neither the solders or the F.O.H. had dared used it against us. Each probably having there own self serving reasons.. and where she had acquired it was of little consequence, it was still coming toward me.

I moved to the right, it actually moved with me.. ran a little, it chased after me.

Fed up with my tail I halted the object, using it's metal casing, bringing it toward me I allowed it to hover for a millisecond, before grabbing it carefully. And then I threw it hard, it's contents bursting and splattering over the ground, the liquid spreading through the snow as it melted. Jean was not to notice, for I was able to plant an image in her mind thanks to Xavier, one that showed the horrible little needle making contact, digging into my shoulder...

Before conscious thought could catch up with my actions I was rushing off. Jumping up off the ground I kicked Jean in the back, using both legs to make the impact as blunt as possible.

Landing back on the ground I got into a defensive position my hands in front of me, my legs slightly parted.

"You stupid little fool." Jean raged, whipping around, her actions too well balanced, showing me I hadn't hurt her at all. "Couldn't just let me leave could you? How do you think you are going to beat me when your powers are all gone, when your exhausted and wasted?"

"But they aren't, and I am not." I responded slowly, bringing my arm up where my cut had been, sliding my fingers deliberately over the area. Showing her that my wounds had at last healed. "And I have more than enough energy... You're not the only one Logan has touched."

I believe for a couple long seconds she believed I was saying that Logan's healing abilities were able to bypass the liquid. But it isn't take her long to see that I was saying in a roundabout way that she had missed, that somehow I had fooled her, that I had not in fact been shot with the deadly poison like she had believed.

She became rigid at that. Knowing that I had actually deceived her. Her mouth opening slightly before it started curving upwards slowly.

"But he found _pleasure_ in touching me. Your embrace brings nothing but pain.. You're nothing but a _touchless_, soul feeding _parasite_. You'll never _really_ now the touch of a man." She stopped for a second, relishing her words, enjoying what she was saying. "Probably the only reason Scott was with you, is because he didn't want to make a _true_ commitment with someone... and you.. well you were better than nothing... until a _real _woman came along."

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. Slamming into me with their intense hatred. Feeding the fury inside of me, that was already at abnormal levels. She didn't have to get into my head to know how to lash out at me, didn't have to pry my mind open for any little hints that could be the start of my own destruction, especially if I decided to believe her.

Jean was staring at me, her horrible smile still plastered on her face. Her hands clenching and unclenching.

And then I saw it, saw the emotions cloud over her face before it was replaced once more with hostility.

Jealousy. Despair. Uncertainty.

"Y'know Jean," I started, my tone of voice causing her to visibly stiffen. "for a telepath y'don't know a _dang_ thing."

And that was the beginning of the end.


	56. Sunday May 15 2011

I don't know what my intentions had been at the beginning. I was so full of anger and extreme bitterness that my morality shot straight out of my head, replaced with deadly intent.

I wanted her dead. And _I_ wanted to kill her.

Before she could do anything I put her inside a field, fortifying it with every power, every energy that was inside me. Everything combining and turning into something totally different, becoming forged into something I have never used before.

_Unbreakable._

That is what it was.

Or at least at first.

Until her barrage started. Lashing out at it, she blasted at it with everything she had. Wasting her oxygen.

For there wasn't much left inside.

I had trapped her without it.

After several long minutes Jean started to pant heavily, her breaths taken in with a horrible hissing sound. She pounded against the barrier with her fists, screaming at me.

"You can't do this! _Not you!_ I won't let you!"

And that was when it started happening to me. Hands around my throat, clenching and squeezing tightly.

Only there were no hands.

_Only Jean._

Somehow she was still able to use her telekinesis. I had thought I had blocked it.

But I was wrong.

I fought against it.. slowing down what she was trying to do.. knowing it was only a matter of time..

I heard someone coming up behind me.

_Logan._

He was alive. But of course he was. He was shouting something into his com link, urgency in his strangely altered voice, my ears pounding as every sound around me started pulsing in and out of my head.

It was then that I noticed I was no longer standing, instead I was on all fours, blood coming out of my nose once more, maybe even in my ears as a strange moisture built up inside them, something that would have freaked me out if I had the presence of mind to think about it. But that was just the start of my predicament.

I couldn't keep my eyes open without an extreme struggle. Could barely breath. Concentrating on keeping Jean contained, even if she took me with her.

"Rogue.." Logan called my name, a faint whisper in the wind. A hand touching my shoulder, only to be drawn away quickly. A howl of pain as built up energy shot out of me and hit him.

I felt weaker then. Strange. Disoriented.

Jean used it against me once more. Using the small opening in my mind she flooded me with images, emotions and reels of her past events. Everything ripping and slashing into me a terrible vengeance.

Pain increasing until I became numb.

Everything seemingly stopping during the time it took me to draw in one raw breath of air...

Her best friend dying in front of her.

Her powers surfacing for the first time...

_Power such Power!_

Family full of surging fear.

She was just a kid. But she knew what she was enabled with, and didn't mind flaunting it.

He parents going behind her back.

A man named Xavier visiting her one day. Changing the course of her life from that day forward.

On and on it went on.

I realized then that my force field had lessoned somewhat, allowing her to breath a little. But I could do nothing about it..

Some memories were more intense than others. Almost as potent as if I had been touching her.

Seeing Scott for the first time. Her heart nearly stopping when he offered her a shy yet appreciative smile.

_He's too young for me._

Showing him to his room after his arrival.

"Are all the women around her as beautiful as you?"

Red sunglasses flashing with a tilt of the head.

Closing the door behind him as she left his room, not knowing that less than a year later it would be _their_ room...

Body on hard object, cold seeping through clothes, bound and drugged.

People talking over her. Voices all around.

_Helpless._

Voices inside of her. Metal breaking off of wrists.

Screams.

Freedom!

Plans to be made.

_Deaths to cause._

Anguish.

Bitterness.

Loss.

Regret.

Victory.

Satisfaction.

Loneliness.

Dark plans forming in my mind that were filled with brutality and ruthlessness. Revenge and bitter retribution.

On and on everything kept seeping into me, coming so fast that I could no longer make sense of them.

I realized through it all that more people were coming, footsteps becoming louder, shouts echoing around me. I exhaled and tried to draw some new air in my lungs, but it was a treacherous task, one that was getting more and more difficult.

Scents drifting into me, one more pronounced than the others, and not just because he was the first to arrive.

That was when I heard Jean scream, a tortured sound that got me to pry my eyes open. I followed her line of sight. The haunted look in her eyes startling me.

_It was Scott._

Relief poured in me as for an infinite moment I looked into his face. Knowing he was looking right at me even if his visor blocked his eyes from me. And man did I _want _to see his eyes. For some reason that was important to me. I wanted to see him, seeing me. Wanted...

"Please stop whatever your doing Jean! You're _killing_ her." He was running toward her. His voice filled with overwhelming volumes of dread, desperation and more than a little anger.

She shook her head slowly, tears falling down her face as she looked upon him. Trembling at the man before her, breaking a little as for a moment I saw the old Jean, the one who loved Scott, the one who would sacrifice anything for him. But it clouded over, lost in whoever she had become.

_Phoenix._

The name drifted through my head, realizing that was what she called herself. The name she had taken upon herself after she had broken free from her captors, rising from the ashes that was left behind from two years of forced captivity.

Scott brought his hand up to his visor as he hesitated for a second. He stood firm, about ten feet away.

"Jean!" His voice was begging and full of sorrow. Pleading. Wanting to give her a chance.

But she wasn't going to take it.

"No Scott. You'll have to end this yourself. I'm past stopping." Her voice was soft, but sure.. Her chin raised defiantly. Hey eyes wild with a startling calm.

Her hands that had been risen tightening their invisible grip around my throat in a sudden show of willpower.

Scott acting immediately, his hesitation abandoned and replaced with obsessive determination. Hand on his visor in a flash, a quick twist and wide blast of scarlet that followed. Forceful impact against the field I had placed around Jean.

The barrier rupturing, the blast continuing on it's way as it struck Jean who was to wasted to do anything about it.

But I had problems of my own.

The premature termination of my barrier did something to me, especially since everything I had been using seemed to rip back inside of me. Actually physically throwing me backwards as I landed against something hard and sharp.

The rippled blur that had been present for some time increasing as I became utterly unable to move.

My powers were once more silent, not even a hum inside of me. My energy depleted.

I couldn't feel my body. Reality was slipping as the frantic voices around me faded into a vacuum of silence.

I knew I was dying.

A black void opened up underneath me and I was falling. A rush of nothingness hitting me.

What felt like talons clamped around my ankles, something slithering across my belly that wrapped around me.

And then out of the blinding void a sinister voice called my name. Stark fear gripping me with it's utterance.

"Marie."

I hit bottom and shattered.


	57. Tuesday May 17 2011

So that is it. That is what happened all those long months ago.

I died.

But obviously it wasn't permanent, I mean how could I have written after I was dead?

22 seconds.

That is how long I was. It might as well have been an eternity. Especially since I think I went straight to hell. I can't stop thinking about that horribly ominous voice that seemed to know everything about me as it spoke my name.

I have never felt such a presence of evil.

Shivers are running down my spine, a tingling sensation that makes me want to write about something else besides death.

So I will.

Things were to change after that.. and I am not just talking about some much needed soul searching.

Through the whole ordeal I can remember some people talking over me, and to me. Time passing quickly, then slowly and then at a drip.

Here is some of what I remember.

Hank, Scott, Jubilee and Logan.. the dominant voices..

_"This is McCoy.. we need emergency transportation to.."_

Darkness.

_"She had been stabilized but to be honest with you we don't know if she will make it through the night."_

Detachment.

_"Just let me touch her.. she will be fine."_

Anger.

_"No Logan, You don't understand.."_

Confusion.

_"Rogue, you're going to be fine.. you just got to wake up.. Rogue.. you can hear my right!?"_

Panic.

_"You shouldn't move her in her condition."_

Rebuke.

_"We are equipped to handle the situation."_

Affront.

_"I still think.." _

_"I'm sorry, but we are taking her home."_

Resolution.

On and on. Voices wandering in and out of my brain. Vision sprayed with fog, that made me drift away.

_"Why hasn't she woken up yet it's been over a month!?.. You said she was improving."_

_"Yes.. but.."_

_"But what!?"_

Voices cut off.

_"Rogue enough of this.. I love talking to you, but not when you don't respond.. please I don't know how much longer I can take these one sided conversations.. Wake up Rogue!.. Say something!.. PLEASE!" _My body being gently shook by strong hands. Stopping suddenly.

_"Just wake up.."_ Voice cracking.

_"We really did it this time didn't we kid? But you're going to pull through this.. don't you think otherwise.. Don't let.."_

**More time passing.**

_"... then up the dose."_

_"It's not the medication that is the problem.. Her system just isn't absorbing the dosage needed for her to..."_

**And more.**

_"... and Logan is walking around with a big enough chip on his shoulder for ten people... girl you want to stop that right?.. I mean... some kids are so scared of him that they won't leave their rooms alone.."_

**Still more.**

_"I don't care what you say, you're obviously doing something wrong if she hasn't woken up yet.."_

_"Her body needs time to heal."_

_"You've been saying that for almost 2 months now..!"_

_"Please Scott calm down!"._

_"No!" _Sounds of something crashing on the floor, maybe something being thrown_. "No! I can't stand this.." _A pause before calmer words were spoken._ "Maybe it's time we called Moira to come assist you."_

_"I've already talked it over with her... she agrees with my treatment... And beside you know she is busy with Ph..."_

_"Then call someone else in. Between Rogue and the others, you could use some help.. it's time you stopped doing this on your own..''_

_"Maybe you're right.."_

**Yet more.**

_"I'm afraid Doctor McCoy's diagnosis is correct in this case.. What your friend Rogue needs is..."_

_"Time.. Great just what we needed.. a second opinion of the same opinion.. .. I suppose you're going to say next that the kid won't.. "_

_"Don't say it! Don't even think it! This is Rogue we are talking about here.."_

Unfamiliar voice speaking once more.

_"You said you had some other patients to look at?"_

_"Yes right over here.."_

_'I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.. Nice meeting you though.. Logan wasn't it? And Scott.."_

Sounds of retreating footsteps. A short pause followed by a frustrated grunt.

_"I flew 500 miles with pyrotechnics girl to pick that quack up?"_

_"At least it got you out of the house for a while.. never seen so many happy kids before... "_

_"Glad to see you still have your sense of humor.."_

_"Sometimes it's all I got... So.. How is Jubilee holding up?.."_

_"Well she isn't yammering anymore for one thing. You know what that means.."_

_"Yeah. I know."_

_"... Things are going to be ok Cyke."_

_"Coming from you... I honestly don't know how to take that.."_

So more time passed. Conversations still drifting around me.. but they were becoming fuzzier and fuzzier until, with what was almost a pop, everything became crystal clear.

And that was when I woke up. _And _when I panicked.

My subconscious awareness of everything that had been happening around me, not caught up with my conscious thought.

Tubes were stuck in me, machines busy around me... shiny tile spreading around me, with darkness close by as the walls seemingly boxed me in.

I started to scream. But it became stuck, something in my throat cutting off anything vocal. I managed to rip it out of me.. sitting up before I crashed back down.

I was restrained. My body stiff and full of pain.

I was feeling that somehow I had been caught again. That once more I was a lab rat for some sinister purpose.. or that maybe once more my memory was going to be taken from me.. or my body drained of my essence as they tried to figure out my DNA, reworking it for their own nefarious purposes...

I struggled, trying to get up, trying to free myself.. but it was useless.

Reaching inwards I attempted to break loose with one of my borrowed abilities, but again nothing happened.

Footsteps running towards me, smacking against the smooth floor until they stopped abruptly in front of me.

I tried to focus on the person, but my vision wouldn't clear.

"Hank.. she's awake... Hank!... I need your help." Bright lights blinking on, forcing me to close my eyes.

Hands pushing on me, trying to keep me still. Gentle yet persistently forceful.

More hands.. eyes forced open, a light shone in them..

I managed to get a leg free, kicking outward I knocked someone rather large backwards...

"Rogue.. Rogue you're safe.. you're home... Rogue.. it's Scott... it's just me.. calm down.. you're alright..."

On and on the words poured out. Soothing. Warm.

Familiarly grew in me, my vision slowly cleared. I looked down, noticing that I wasn't restrained at all, I had just somehow made myself believe I was.

My head drifting upwards. Something tightening inside of my when I saw who it was.

"Scott?" My voice was scratchy and dry. The word coming out in a low murmur.

"Hey Beautiful..."

I focused on his face... unshaven hair lining it, more than I had ever seen on him before.. his mouth tugged downward in concern. Glasses that seemed darker red than usual, his eyes hidden behind them.

"I'm still alive?"

"Yes, although you did give us a scare there for a while... How are you feeling?" McCoy's calm voice filtered over to me, him coming into view as he moved Scott over to the side some, which took a little doing since Scott didn't seemed frozen in place. But he managed.

"I.. I don't really know.. ask me that question again when it doesn't hurt t'talk... "

"You _are_ going to have a little difficulty talking for a while..."

He reached outward, taking hold of my wrist, dropping it and then placing his furry hand on my forehead.

"Pulse is back to normal, temperature is lower.. " He said more to himself, me wondering why he did that when I was obviously hooked up to enough machines, ones that could have told him that and then some.

"Doctor?" I asked, my voice still full of sand.

"Hmm?"

"Why am I even here? How long have I been here..."

McCoy stood upright, him and Scott sharing a look before his very blue face turned back toward me to offer a response.

"Now isn't the time.. why don't you get a little rest.. "

"Please.. I would like t'know _now_." I told him firmly. My face probably taking on a very downward frown.

Scott came and sat down gently on my bed.. McCoy dragging a chair so he could sit down in front of me. Scott was looking a little nervous, he took my hand slowly from underneath the covers, holding it gently. Looking as if he wanted to be doing more, but was restraining himself.

McCoy started to speak..

It didn't take much time to tell me that I had died, that they had revived me and that I had been in and out of a something akin to a coma for over two months. Took even less time to tell me that I was in a hospital for a while before Scott decided to take me out.

"I hate hospitals." Scott interjected in the middle of McCoy's explanation, a cringe shadowing his features. "We would have never taken you there to begin with, but we had no choice.."

"They were most helpful under the circumstances.." The Doctor said. Telling me about how for a while everything had been utter chaos for the first couple days after the whole Jean/military/F.O.H. confrontation. "Even if it took some doing for me to even get inside.."

Them talking about the whole Canada thing got me to thinking.. Neither one of them had mentioned Jean.. and I wasn't about to shy away from asking. I didn't come back to the land of the living so that I could have things hidden from me. At least not about that raw subject.

"Is Jean dead?"

Again the two men shared a look, this one hard to read.

"Well.. not exactly." Scott informed me, a pained look shadowing his face as he suddenly took interest in the floors.

"What does _not exactly_ translate as?" My words were flippant and agitated. I dragged my hand slowly out of Scott's, not liking where everything seemed to be leading.

McCoy took that one. Scott getting up from where he had been sitting, walking a short distance away, his facing away from me as he grabbed his hands behind his back, looking suddenly like he didn't want to hear whatever was about to be said.

"Yes and no." Hank told me.

So he went on to tell me about brain functions and brain activity and about out how she should be dead but really wasn't.

"She isn't _here_ is she?" My question put me on edge. Scott must have heard my sudden apprehension, because back he came.

"No she is with Moira and Charles on Muir Island." He informed me, once more taking my hand as he squeezed it gently.

"So the Professor is Ok? What about the others? Bobby? Ororo? Kitty and ..."

"They are fine Rogue.." Scott told me offering me a small smile. Telling me in further detail how Bobby had cracked some ribs, Kitty had broken an arm and some fingers and Ororo and Piotr and of course Logan didn't suffer any major injuries.. at least nothing physical. Obviously Jubilee, him and McCoy had made it out alright as well.

"And what about me?" I actually managed to sit up, it hurt to do so but I did it anyway, McCoy helping me. Scott putting a pillow behind my back. "Why hasn't my body healed all the way?"

And the nervousness was back in Scott. Although McCoy looked almost elated, as if he was just waiting for me to ask that question, or for us to get around to it.

"We found a vile of the cure crushed on the ground.. but we now know that you hadn't been hit with it." The Doctor paused for a moment. His large eyebrows raising upwards in contemplation. "But Logan's healing only worked on you for so long before it gave out completely. If it ceased any sooner than it did, I would have had my doubts that you would ever have used your legs again.. without a lot of difficulty..."

"So... so what y'are tryin' t'say is I lost Logan's healing abilities?" My question was littered with confusion, not understanding fully what he was trying to say.. At the same time I was feeling strange when he told me I might not have ever walked again.. A lump formed in my throat making it hard for me to swallow.

McCoy looked down at the equipment beside me for a moment, adjusting a knob and then pressing a button. I knew he was trying to put of what he was trying to say, the excitement that had been evident in him moments prior suddenly stunted, as he came closer to whatever revelation he had to utter.

Finished what he was doing he looked back toward Scott, who nodded his head telling the Doctor it was ok to continue.

"Go ahead and tell her.. she needs to know.."

Hank let out a long breath, his empathetic eyes finding mine.

"Actually Rogue, what I am trying to tell you is that you have lost _yours_.."


	58. Monday June 27 2011

So McCoy explained to me why. Something about overextending my body.. using my powers to their extreme.. more than I had ever before just.. fizzled them out... He added to it, drawing on science and biology for his hypothesis of why my mutation had such a reaction, but I was still too hung up on what had just been spoken to pay it close attention..

_"Actually Rogue, what I am trying to tell you is that you have lost yours.."_

If I had been sixteen when those words had being spoken.. those words that were cautious yet inquisitive.. it would have left me more than just astounded.

I would have been happy.

_Ecstatic._

No more would I be an outsider, no more would I be condemned to a life of _one_ due to my skin.

Could have stayed home, my parents, my friends no longer having a reason to fear me.

A mutant.

Who the heck wants to be a mutant anyway?

Powers?

Who cares.

Help people?

Doesn't matter.

Just wanted my life. My own little simple life to do what I wanted. To live as I saw fit. Not held back or prevented from doing anything because of what I had become.

But fast forward a couple years, mix in new experiences, new relationships and a totally new outlook on life.. and suddenly.. suddenly...

_It mattered._

I would realize how much so in the next couple weeks to follow...

Weeks of therapy and rebuilding my body. Weeks of falling inside of myself, closing off from everything and everyone around me.

Angry, cold and hostile.

Finally coming to grips with my mutation, accepting it. Growing with it.

_Only to lose it all._

Scott not letting me push him away, too understanding.. too compassionate.

Which infuriated me all the more.

Logan and Jubilee as persistent. Meeting my snappy words with ones of their own when I continued to strike out with everything I said.

Finally leaving the lower levels when I was well enough going back to my room. Finding that people had been there before me. Flowers, balloons and other bright and cheery things littering it. What looked to be a pile of Christmas presents in the corner.

A huge bear from Jubilee that was bigger than me resting on my bed.

Anger rising in me once more. Running out of my room, through the kitchen.. to go outside.. to breath...

Only to find Logan sitting at the kitchen table... his attention averting to me as I walked in.

Just what I didn't need.

Stopping I tried to back up, but then determination rose in me forcing me forward.

"Finally out huh?"

I didn't reply as I narrowed my eyes. Trying to give him a hint in not so subtle fashion that I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

Standing up he cocked his head to the side, staring at me for a second, obviously trying to figure something out.

"Still wearing that?" He looked down towards my hands.

That. _**Was it.**_

"Yes Logan!.. Still wearin' my gloves! I suppose y'are goin' t'tell me how t'dress next.. or who t'date.. or maybe that my hair is too long and I need t'cut it.. or perhaps..."

Logan took a couple steps back from me.. an astonished look on his face.

"Actually kid.. I was wondering why you were still wearing your medical id bracelet from the hospital in Canada.."

Well that certainly shut me up. I looked down at my wrist were the little slip of plastic was peeking through the bottom of my long sleeved shirt.

I shook my head.. biting my lip hard..

"I'm sorry.. I'm just.. " Logan looked past me, someone was obviously about to enter the room. Months ago I would have been aware of that fact as well. I cringed. Frustration raining down inside of me, making intolerance take root inside of me.

"There you are! We've been looking for you."

Logan took that as his cue to leave, but not before he grabbed his drink off the table and turned to me, offering me a lopsided smile that I wasn't sure what to make of.

Jubilee was walking in the kitchen, tailed closely by Kitty, Bobby and Piotr. I had barely seen the last the for the past couple weeks, except for Bobby who I actually had made an effort to me cordial too when he visited me..

They all surrounded me, giving me hugs and cheerful words.. some asking if I like flowers or what not that they had left in my room. Everyone was pretty much healed by then, no physical signs of what they had been through. I _was _glad about that aspect, that they were all obviously ok, yet still I was stiff. Practically non responsive. An urge inside of me too push their paws off me and run for the nearest dark corner of the world, where uplifting words and niceties were lost in covetable silence.

But then forcing myself I plastered a smile on my face, making pleasant words come out of my mouth. Something that was incredibly hard.

"Yea thanks guys."

Jubilee was standing behind the others. Looking at me. No staring. Her expression one of extreme concentration as she tore through my facade.

Kitty invited me to go out with the others.. something about a concert.. But before I could say anything Jubilee answered for me.

"No guys she is still recovering.."

Latching her hand onto my arm she dragged me out into the backyard, us bumping into some younger kids as they ran past us heading toward the kitchen.

"Hey Rogue! Jubes!"

Some shouted cheerfully to us as they passed us. As if no time had passed at all. As if everything was the same.

Jubilee let go of my arm, tilting her head to the side, asking me in a way to walk beside her. So we passed a larger group of kids playing what looked to be soccer. Still further we walked.. until no one else was in sight, the sound of the children playing just a dim sound.

Stopping she sat down on a large log in a secluded area, trees blocking us from the Mansion.

Jubilee was shaking her head. Not a good sign.

"You know right now if you switched your attitude with Logan's nobody would tell the difference?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. Most certainly not in the mood.

"That's.."

"So you lost your powers.. Big Deal! McCoy said they could come back.. "

"He said they _might_.. meanin' probably not.." I didn't even want to think about the fact that he didn't bring up the other abilities I had acquired along the way, which led me to believe he didn't think I was going to get those back at all..

"No he said _will_ as in.. matter of time.." She looked up at me. Taking on the look of an examiner once more. "I thought this was what you always wanted."

I took a couple steps back, ready to turn and leave.

"Jubilee I don't want t'have this discussion _again_.."

"We are going to have to until you get it into you thick brain that this doesn't change anything.."

"Doesn't change anythin'?" I walked closer to her. My hands waving in frustration before her. "Do y'_hear_ what y'are sayin'?"

"I've lost it all.. I'm nothin'.. I'm... ordinary now.. I.. I.."

"But what about what you gained? You can _touch_ Rogue.." She let out a frustrated sigh, standing up. Then with a flash she came toward me and tugged on my shirt. "And what is with these winters clothes.. you didn't even wear this much when your mutation was on..."

"That's not true! And I have t'be careful.. I don't.."

"Have to be careful?" She cut in, "No! Have to come to grips with reality? Yeah. You need to stop this whole.. "I am depressed and worthless bit".. what has gotten into you anyway?.. Don't you realize all the doors this could open?.. Why not embrace the change.. take it and milk it for all it's worth.. because usually good things just don't last.. .and what has happened to you _is_ a good thing.. whether you believe it or not.."

She strode off after that, but not before giving me a deeply agitated look. I deserved it. I deserved more than just an angry glare.

I knew that I had been a jerk, treating everyone horribly.. but I couldn't help myself. It was more than just an impulse, it was my bitterness swelling inside of me, the uncertainty of my life, the feeling of having lost that which I had been a part of. That which I might never be apart of ever again.

I also couldn't stop the boiling anger inside of me.. couldn't stop the thoughts that surrounded and suffocated me to the point where I thought things that made me ache for blackness once more..

I sat down where Jubilee had been.. staring through the trees.. trying to drown out everything around me, until I realized I didn't want silence..

I wanted..

I wanted..

_Something else._


	59. Thursday September 29 2011

I don't know how I got through that period of my life but I did. Probably took me about a month to drag myself out of the pit I had dug myself. Depression is an easy place to lose oneself, doubt and self pity ready and willing to keep company with you as well.

Staying in my room all the time.. sleeping too much.. and eating only when my stomach wouldn't shut the heck up.

After a while people stopped coming around.. giving me room. Time to absorb everything that had happened to me.

Even Scott backed off.

And it was just what I needed.

I needed solidarity. Needed the internal contemplation.

Until.

_I accepted it all._

And slowly by slowly things got easier. Things became more tolerable, and I was able to leave my room more and more.

Got rid of the anger towards Scott for not being there for me.. at Logan and the others for not lasting long enough.. for abandoning me.. even if it was no fault of there own.

And as for Jean the hatred has mostly dissipated, shed for more of something that resembled pity, when I was able to contemplate her in the light of day.. events past.. Knowing that they reason she had shoved some of her memories in my mind was maybe because she wanted someone to see what had been done to her, to understand more.. to maybe even sympathize..

Buried the grief and anguish and the voices of others that were still as loud as I had first absorbed them.. yes.. those of course stayed with me.

But all that matters in the end is that I got through it, and that I was able to walk forward.. even if remnants of the depression lingered. I was still able to walk through the fog.

* * *

"Still brooding?"

That was what Scott asked me as he entered the library. I was sitting in a big leather chair, staring out a window. It was a couple days after I started being a little more social.

"No.. just thinkin'.." I twisted a little to face him better, looking him over with renewed fascination. How could a guy that looked like _that _want someone like me?! Even in beige khakis and a simple black shirt he still looked _absolutely_ incredible.

"About?" He sat down on the sofa right in front of me. Giving me a look of encouragement to continue.

Remember I had been pretty closed off the weeks before and Scott didn't seem to want to miss the opportunity of me actually opening up a little.

"You." I watched as his mouth took on a small smile. He leaned forward, anticipation flooding through him.

"How so?"

"I .. I think I owe y'an apology.. I.." As if the words weren't difficult to get out in the first place, we just _had_ to be interrupted.

Some kids came running through, screaming and laughing, but left nearly immediately after Scott gave them a stern look.

Of course the library was never the place to have intimate conversations, but it was a sort of sanctuary of sorts, a lot of people besides myself ended up there when they were having problems. It is a very calming room, the rows of books, the arrangement, the way they were categorized and alphabetized, making one feel that at least something was in order... Even the smell was rather pleasing, leather and a somewhat musty and just.. soothing.

"You were saying?" We were once again alone, and I realized he was waiting for me to continue.

I swallowed slowly, looking past him a moment to make sure nobody was near by. Nobody was. We could have gone elsewhere, but that would have just prolonged something that was already hard enough. At least for me anyway. I felt guilty, maybe ashamed as well. But knowing I felt such was actually an encouragement to me. It probably meant I was healing.

"I was so pissed off at you.. so upset.. more at y'than any of the others..." My words came out slow and anguished.

"I should have been there for you.."

I stared at him for a second as tears started to build up.. I tried to stop them but they started to spill.

"I've never been so miserable Scott.. Jean.." My words caught in my throat.

Scott rushed forward, getting down on the ground, leaning on his knee he put his hand behind my back, leading me toward him as he embraced me slowly.

"I should have blasted her the moment I saw her and not hesitated! I should have _somehow_ gotten there sooner..." He said with much regret, his tone bitter. But then he continued, his voice softer and full of penetrable warmth. "You don't owe me anything.. nothing at all.. I'm just glad you're alive.. for a while there.. I thought I was going to lose you thought.. " He was building up to something important, I could tell just by the inflection in his voice.

I leaned back away from him a little ways, far enough so I could look in his face..

"Thought you would never get a chance to marry me..." He smiled then, lightening the atmosphere dramatically as he turned toward humor for help. "...or that I would never get a chance to get my money back.."

"So y'just want t'marry me so y'can have my money?" I gasped, feigning a look of shock.

"Technically it's _my_ money.."

He brought his hand toward me and lightly touched his fingers to my face as he wiped away the tears... I actually flinched at that, pulling away from his touch.. But then caught myself..

"I'm sorry.. I'm still not used t'that..."

He grinned.

"It's something I look forward to changing.."

* * *

When Scott said he wanted to marry me I never really believed he was serious.. Shrugged it off as playfulness that was trying to get me to open up a little more.

But I was wrong.

He never said anything about it since that day two months ago in the library.

But then today.

_Today._

He asked me again.

The difference? This time I _knew_ he was serious.

Everything has been going really well around here again ..People have pretty much recovered from everything that had happened with Jean. I have been getting along with everyone once more and actually feeling more like myself. _And_ no serious problems or predicaments have arisen..

Been going out more.. and have had several dates with Scott.. even went on a double date with Kitty and Piotr, it was sorta unintentional but I actually had a good time..

Seems I was the only one that didn't really know Kitty had broken up with Bobby, even _before_ we went to Canada.. Bobby said I had been so focused on my own life that he would have been more surprised if I _had_ noticed... Of course he said that with humor in his voice.. but I could tell there was a little resentment in his comment.

Anyway.

I had just gotten back from a really, really good night out with Scott. Believe it or not we had just gotten back from going to church. Something we are doing more and more.

I can see Logan shaking his head and giving me a rather reproachful look. But he just _doesn't_ understand. Even when I try to explain to him what I went through when I died.

"It was just your mind playing tricks on you. I mean religion Marie? Do you know how many things you are going to have to give up?"

But he is wrong. I know it wasn't my head messing with me. And it's not about what I give up, its about what I gain...

I was ready to believe. I do believe. No, _we_ believe.

For it was Scott who actually suggested we started going, and him who took me to his Christian church. It was a little different from what I was used to.. being raised a Baptist.. but maybe that was a good thing.

We even went down during an alter call, Scott went along with me. The sinners prayer was said and repeated, and both of us started afresh once more, as we re gave ourselves to Christ. And now we have something else to share besides being an X-men, something deeper and of more consequence.

And all it took was me dying, and that voice.. I _never_ want to hear that ever again.. Or have to stay an eternity in that place that disturbed me beyond comparison...

As if right away God wanted to prove he exited, the nightmares of what I had experienced stopped. The terrors that were always in my brain when I closed my eyes ceased. And I could feel something inside me changing... for once it had nothing to do with my mutation...

Anyway. After we returned from church and some dinner, he kissed me good night. A faraway look in his eyes that followed me as I ascended the stairs alone to my room. Him staying behind, as he told me he wanted to work on his bike for a while. Something he said he had been neglecting for quite a while...

It was when I had just gotten to sleep when there was a knock on my door. For a moment I thought I was back in Canada.. Jubilee sleeping on the couch not far away. But once I turned my bedside lamp on that thought quickly vanished.

I got out of bed groggily and managed to open the door. The dim hallway casting strange shadows on my visitor.

"Scott it's 4:30 in the morning.." I moaned. Trying to comb my tangled hair into a more tolerable direction with my fingers.

But my words didn't stop him from brushing past me as he entered my room.

He was holding something behind his back. I saw that he was still dressed, except for his suit jacket and he was wearing a vaguely curious expression. I thought he had wanted to work on his bike, but obviously he hadn't for he would have changed first.. which made me wonder what he had been up to all that time. And of course about what he was hiding in his hand out of view.

"Scott?"

He stared at me for a couple long seconds, and if I could have seen behind his glasses I swore he would have blinked hard.

"Do you love me Rogue?"

I yawned, backing up until I sat down on my bed. Realizing then that I was in nothing but some shorts and a tank top, but I reminded myself that Scott had seen me in just a towel.. and this time I couldn't hurt him. I looked back up at him..

"I guess so." I laughed. He had to wake me up to ask me that? ... But I saw by the way his eyebrows rose that he wasn't appreciating my humor.

"Yes Scott.. I love you.. " I told him, taking on a more serious tone. Standing up I walked towards him. Placing a hand on his face, letting it wind down until it rested on his chest.

He covered my hand with his and then, without warning he dropped down on the ground in front of me. Landing softly on his knees. He then brought what had been behind his back upwards toward me, flipping it open in one fluid movement.

"Marry me Rogue."

A ring flashed in front of me, a small delicate looking thing that held a diamond.

I was laughing again. It was four in the morning and Scott was proposing to me? I was tired, and sure it was some kind of weird joke. Although when I thought about it, I knew that Scott really didn't joke about things like that and maybe, when I come to think about it, he hadn't been all those months ago in the library.

"Scott.. y'aren't serious.." I grabbed onto his arm and tried to force him back up to his feet. But he wasn't having it.

"Why now...Why.. I mean.."

"I meant to do this at another time.. Plan a whole event.. Something spontaneous and ... but I just don't want to wait any more... So.." He looked up at me rather hesitantly, almost shyly. "You do know my question requires an answer right?"

He _was _earnest. More than I had seen him in quite a while. And that was when I became shocked.

"I.. I..." Stammering, I tried to form a sentence that made sense, but found I was a totally blank, as if I was a complete infant and my ability of speech had not been developed yet.

"Rogue?" He whispered, his soft gaze still on me.

"I ..._can't_."

Hurt rippled through him, his tight muscles tensing underneath his clothes as he stood slowly to his feet.

"Why not?"

I thought about his question for a second. Trying to come up with something.

"Because.. " I started, standing up a little straighter when I realized I found a reason. "Because we haven't known each other that long.."

"Rogue we have known each other for almost five _years_.." He said firmly, looking rather flabbergasted.

"Yes but we didn't become involved until over a year ago.. And remember part of the time y'were believed _dead _and another part I was in a _coma_.. so in reality we haven't really known each other that long at all.."

I hated the turbulent emotions that were spilling through his face from what I was saying, but I couldn't shut myself up.

"We _do_ know one another Rogue.. and I do know _you_.. Well enough in fact to know that what I just asked you scares you.. and it _shouldn't_..." Scott came toward me, softly holding my arm as he started rubbing it gently. He dropped it with what I said next.

"I _can't_ marry you Scott.. How long afterwards until we get sick of each other.. or we find we really don't like each other at all or we can't handle compromises and giving stuff up and maybe even loosing our individual identities in one another or..."

"Rogue.. I love you.. I really do.. but sometimes you over analyze things..." His words were dripping with disappointment, underlined with repressed agitation.

"I'm sorry Scott.. I want things t'stay the way they are..." What I said wasn't exactly the truth. I just knew that suddenly things were spinning around me and I needed to try to find some sort of balance. And until I knew exactly want I wanted I wasn't going to offer him any false hope.

I mean _me_.. married? I stopped entertaining those thoughts in any serious manner _years_ ago.

He stood there for a long minute. Quietly thinking. But then Scott straightened up, snapped the jewelry box close, grabbed my hand, and then forced it into my palm.

"Keep the ring Rogue.. You may find that you want more out of our relationship than you realize.. like a commitment.. or a future.."

And with that he walked out of my room, slamming the door behind him. Something so uncharacteristic for him that I knew I had _really _upset him.

And here I am.. Astonished. A ring sitting on my nightstand burning holes into my back as I finish witting this.


	60. Monday, November 28 2011

It took me a while for just the fact alone that he asked me to marry him to sink in. Scott Summers, the leader of the X-men, once my teacher, wanted to marry _me_.

And yet.

It still took me about a month and a half to think things through clearly. Everyone more than willing to offer me advice. I hadn't meant for anyone to find out, but Jubilee found the engagement ring and the rest was left to the gossip. I listened to what they all had to say, everyone suddenly wanting to offer me an opinion, but in the end I knew it was all up to me.

I guess I remember talking it over with Logan the most, going to his room, knocking on the door, sitting down on his couch. Him joining me almost cautiously. Knowing I was there for a purpose.

"What's up kid?"

I remember biting my lip, suddenly feeling nervous. He probably picked it up because he tilted his head to the side and looked at me more openly. I decided not to beat around the bush.

"Scott asked me t'marry him.."

I might as well have punched him square on the jaw. I remember he tensed up at that, and actually seemed to stop breathing, but that passed quickly enough. You see nobody knew at that point, for some reason I wanted him to be the first to find out.. That was very important to me.

It took a whole minute for him to find his voice, when he did it was hoarse and scratchy.

"Are you going to?"

His eyes bored into mine, powerful, domineering and yet so incredibly soft. I thought for a minute of not telling him, but I hadn't gone there to slink around the details.

"I told him no.. I told him no because what he asks of me is somethin' I don't know I can give. I am a selfish person Logan, no matter how I try t'tell myself I am not, I _know _I am.." I didn't know where that came from, but it left my mouth with a twisted absurdity about it that I knew I believed it to be the truth.

He shook his head at me, putting his hand on my bare arm, my eyes widening until my breathing calmed, when once more I told myself nothing bad was going to happen.

"Everyone is selfish Marie, it's just a matter of _how_ selfish.."

"Well then I think I take the cake because I can't stop thinkin' about how, if I married Scott it would affect _me_."'

He smiled softly at that.

"Marie, you _nearly_ gave your lives for us, it doesn't get any _less_ selfish than that."

I looked into his hazel orbs, captivated, a feeling spreading through me like a warm blanket of security. _Safe_. That was what it was. The feeling of being safe.

"Sacrificing yourself is easy.. Livin'.. lovin'.. now _that's_ hard." I said while frowning hard, my gaze wandering over Logan's room. Besides some clothes thrown over a chair, it didn't really have any signs of him being there. Not quite a lived in feeling, and yet, just sitting there with him, I just couldn't help but feel his presence multiplied.

"It's not meant to be easy Marie.. if it was.. so many things just wouldn't be.. worth it."

Most people would have died out of sheer shock that Logan could offer such sage advise. That he could actually listen calmly to a person. His words weighed and measured inside of him before he let them leave his mouth. But he could be like that. Maybe not often. But he isn't such an irrational being as some people think. He has feelings besides rage and bloodlust. Compassionate, warm. Protective. Love maybe as well.

"Have you ever considered marriage Logan?"

He grunted at that, smiling wide.

"No.. Don't think someone would _legally_ want to belong to me."

So we talked a little longer. And a couple days later was when Jubilee found the ring.. and then weeks passed full of looks and soft whispering. For once I didn't mind, and couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride surge in me, when some of those glances were ones filled with envy.

Scott didn't pressuring me or anything, far from it. But I would see something in his expression, that spoke louder than words.. that..

Was I ready for marriage? Twenty one wasn't the worst age to do such a thing, but did I have what it took to stick with it no matter what? For I only wanted to do it once. So if I married Scott that would be it. Through thick and thin, through dangers and tragedies.. Through the world falling apart as we were persecuted. Fighting and maybe even dying for what we believed in.

I don't think I worded that very well, for it sounded almost like a _bad _thing, and maybe a little too dramatic, but what can I say?

Jubilee while she had obviously been happy that Scott asked me to marry him, thought I did the right thing saying no.. She believed I would want to.. her words "Try other men out now that you are touchable." But I didn't want to. When I think about it, when I tear away the layers of denial, I know that maybe me not wanting to be in a intimate relationship when my mutation was on, had more to do with how I viewed myself, how I felt, than about how much I could touch...

I just can't help thinking of my mother, she married my father because she got pregnant with me. It wasn't the most happy of marriages, even as a kid I could see that, and feel it when my father would glance at me sometimes. I guess my life before my mutation wasn't the best. But at least they loved me then...

It was three nights ago that I made up my mind. For good. The _final_ decision. It _only_ took 57 days to reach it. I don't know what changed my mind, what made me do a one eighty, and totally changed my standing...

One moment I was reading a book, the next I was throwing it to the side. Quickly walking out of my room and going to Scott's. He was up, soft light was splashing under the door; even if he wasn't I would have woken him up.

I knocked softly and waited.

"Come in."

Suddenly my stomach was knotting up, my mouth dry. Yet there was no hesitancy in me, no withdrawal from my just made decision. I entered. Scott turned around from where he had been typing on his computer, and smiled when he saw it was me.

"Up late as well?"

I dumbly shook my head, not really listening to what he said.

"I will Scott."

His eyebrows furrowed and he looked at me more than a little puzzled.

"You will wh.." But then it dawned on him. He jumped out of his chair and just stood there looking at me. He licked his lips slowly, almost nervously, and then came toward me.

I put my hand out toward him as a stop gesture.

"But there is one condition."

"A condition?"

I breathed in deep and then took the plunge.

"I want us to get married _tonight_."

Scott had been looking quite happy since I told him yes, but suddenly that feeling seemed to abandon him. He let out a low sigh. Gathering his thoughts.

"I don't want this to be an impulse thing.. I want this to be.."

I stopped him again.

"Scott.. I am not doin' this out of impulse.. I am doin' this because I love you and I am ready for whatever marriage has t'offer us. I _want_ t'be with you, for as long as we can be."

"But then why.."

"I don't know, I can't explain it... I just need it t'be today." I walked toward him, his face was downward, away from me. "Do.. Do y'still want t'marry me?"

I put a hand on his shoulder and he raised his head slowly, for a minute I wasn't sure _what_ I was going to find. Relief spreading through me when I found he was grinning.

"Are you kidding Marie?"

Before I could even respond to the fact that he knew my _real _name Scott rushed toward me, grabbed me in his arms, flipped me around a ways and tilted my body back. His lips meeting mine.

My stomach bubbling with the sound of my name leaving his mouth.

* * *

Scott must have had something planned, because I have seen people have to go through more to get married in the movies. We didn't grab much, just what we could in twenty minutes. Him also stopping to talk to Ororo to let her know what was going on and then making a phone call. Me writing a quick note to Jubilee and Logan. And then we boarded one of the smaller jets, as we headed to get married.. To what state I still don't know, I would have to look on the marriage certificate to check.

Less than three hours later we were married.

And even in a real church by a preacher. One that ended up being someone Scott had known as a child when he had been living at an orphanage. Pastor Michael. An elderly gentlemen that spoke with a slight European accent, and seemed rather likable. Scott certainly respected him, for they had obviously kept in touch; the Pastor actually knew who I was. Which made me wonder what other things I had yet to find out about Scott. He even inquired after Charles, and some other people at the mansion which led me to believe maybe somehow he was connected to the Xavier Institute in some way...

The Pastor actually took the time to talk to us for over an hour, even with him obviously tired from being forced out of bed in the middle of the night. He made tea for us all in a small kitchen, telling us during the task that he didn't usually perform such impromptu ceremonies, but since he knew Scott to be a "serious young man, one who did not make such hasty decisions" he decided it was ok.

Once the tea was ready, he joined Scott and I at the table where we had been already seated, waiting. He gazed at Scott and I for a couple of moments and then started asking us rather personal questions, ones that I suppose were to gauge how serious we were about marriage _and_ one another.

When he finished with probing our relationship, he led us out to the front of the church. I couldn't help but look behind me and see how empty it was, how quiet. I turned back around to find Scott staring at me, a question on his face. I took his hand in mine, squeezed it and smiled. I knew exactly what I was doing for once.

November 26th 2011, 2:37 A.M. was when I became Mrs. Scott Summers.

Somebody could have knocked me over with a feather.

Pastor Michael offered us congratulations and even took a couple pictures of us on a camera that Scott had actually thought to bring along. But I barely noticed for I was quite dazed. I blindly followed Scott back onto the jet afterwards, and he prepped it.

Next thing I knew we were in a rather large hotel room. Everything happening so quickly. _Too_ quickly.

I had been getting out of my dress when I turned around, suddenly aware that I was being watched.

"Uh Scott? Can I have some.." I realized what I was about to say and blushed. I mean he _was_ my husband. But I had never even undressed in front of my room mates before.. let alone a warm blooded man that wasn't a Doctor.

Not that I had accomplished much anyway, couldn't get the dang zipper to go down. I wrestled with it but it wouldn't budge. Scott came behind me.

"Let me help you with that." His voice was seductively soft. His warm breath lightly fanning against my skin.

He managed to pry the zipper down, stopping a ways, his fingers caressing my back through the opening. I found I was trembling at his touch. He kissed the back of my neck. Lingering. Going lower.

That was when I felt it... Stark hesitation.

"Scott.." I took a couple steps away from him and turned around.. "I.. I'm.." My words were frozen in my brain.. I suddenly couldn't think.. I was becoming increasingly apprehensive.

He must have gotten something out of my manner toward him, because he hit it right on the nose.

"You aren't ready?" He asked me softly. Rubbing my shoulders gently, distracting me terribly. I slid away from him slowly, facing him.

"I _want_ to make love t'you Scott. I do.. God knows I have dreamt about it.. it's just.. I am still not used t'this whole touchin' bit.. and I never thought I would be actually in this type of.." I felt myself reddening from his intense lascivious stare. One that was making it hard for me to speak. "Oh, God! I just.. I mean.. _sex_... I.."

He shut me up with a soft kiss on my mouth.

"It's ok Marie.." It was at least the twelfth time he had called me that that night, and yet still my stomach went pitter patter when he did.. "I understand.. this is all new to you.. we can take it at whatever pace you want."

He brought me toward him and hugged me close. One of his hands caressing my hair.

"Man! How did I get such a carin' compassionate man for my..." I almost said boyfriend.. But then stopped. Reminding myself of the change of status with a layer of shock that still hadn't been fully realized. "husband."

He kissed me once again. The whole thing unintentionally augmenting as I found without thinking my hand had gotten inside his shirt, rubbing against his bare skin. Scott's muscles were tight underneath my touch.. his body.. He moaned low and deep. An erotic sound that had me pushing off of him.. a reminder of how frightened I was.. of what could happen between us if it continued.

We were broth breathing rather irregularly.. Scott's shirt slightly open showing off his beautiful flesh. He backed away from me slowly, regrettably. And then turned and walked away from me. His body heat leaving me so abruptly that I felt chilled.

"Where are y'goin' Scott?"

He turned his head, offering me a wry smile. Grabbing his bag to take with him.

"I need to take a shower.. A _very_ cold shower..." His eyes wandered over me. "Maybe a long one as well."

He left me alone in the hotel room, I changed and got in bed.. I fell asleep before he returned. More exhausted than I realized.

* * *

The next two weeks were spent traveling. We had the jet, he had the means to refueling it and the know how of where to land it, and so many opportunities were opened up to us. Each of us picking a different place every couple of days. Taking in some sights and attractions.

I got used to undressing in front of Scott.. to feeling him sleeping beside me. He got used to relaxing and taking it easy. We _both_ got used to letting loose.

Going out to eat for all our meals, sometimes ordering in as we watched movies together or played board games. Talking during the night into the morning.. sleeping during the day and being active at night.

And Scott Mr. Patient throughout it all.

And of course there was kissing.. _lots_ of kissing.. Not that was all we did, believe me, there was more than enough touching going on as we tentatively got more familiar with each other.. yet never..

But it still got pretty.. intense..

We went shopping together, buying clothes and gifts for one another and others..

It was wonderful. Intimate..

It was the day that we were heading back to the mansion that our relationship.. peaked.

One moment we were talking quietly, both of us disappointed that we were going back, but neither of us addressing the fact outright.

Scott getting up to get a cup of coffee.. leaving the jet on autopilot.. we were only an hour or so away from the mansion... I was left to my own contemplation, turning to watch as he poured himself the hot liquid. Then reaching for sugar as he added it to it and stirred it with a white plastic spoon.

He took a slow sip.. looking toward me he non verbally offered me some.. but of course I hadn't drunk any coffee since my trip to Canada.. and I still hate the stuff. But it was in that moment, that he was doing yet another considerate thing, that something just snapped inside of me.

The depression. The anger. The happiness and contentment. The bitterness and hostility. The love and desire. Emotions of the past and present canceling each other out as I was left with a very clear thought.

I wanted him. More than anything.

I unbuckled myself, wandering over to him at a leisurely pace. Wrapping my hands around him I hugged Scott from behind, him putting his coffee down to cover his hands around mine. Angling around him till I was in front of him, I brushed my lips against his.

"I'm yours." I told him, my voice a low whisper.

"I know.. And I am.."

I interrupted him. My hand resting on the side of his face.. the other slowly going down his arm, pressing into his hard flesh where his muscles were.

"I want t'be _completely_ yours."

Scott got what I was saying right away. His body getting closer and closer.. His hand reaching underneath my shirt, his fingers massaging small patterns onto my back. One thing leading to another as we ended up in the back of the jet where the medical bed was located.

Him lowering me down on it gently, joining me for a minute as he gave me a slow, practically incessant kiss, only to part from me suddenly..

"I'll be right back.." He told me. Not even giving me a moment to argue.. but he was back soon enough.

Scott held a small vile in his hand that was filled with liquid.. There was nothing more I wanted to do than to pick up where we left off.. My body tense... but I knew whatever story was behind what he was holding was very important to him.

It ended being the "partial cure" that McCoy had been working on. One that was only temporary for like eight hours..

"He just completed it the day before we left..." Scott said, sitting down by me. Looking at the object in his hand, holding it up to the light as he twirled it around slowly, bewitched. I partially got up and crawled closer to him..

"Now I can _see_ you.. " He turned and smiled at me softly.

"I so want to see you.. your eyes.. your skin... your body... Just you... _Only_ you.." His voice was becoming husky with warmth. He was kissing me softly between what he was saying. Over an eyebrow, low on my neck, at the corner of my mouth.. My stomach twisting tightly as it became almost unbearable..

"Scott." I said breathlessly with want.

He rook off the cap and swallowed the liquid .. Shaking slightly as his powers submerged. I held onto Scott, clinging to him from behind. It took a couple minutes for the tremors to seize. Afterwards he took off his glasses carefully, opened his eyes and looked at me.

I nearly cried... No I _did_ cry.

Moving around him I straddled him as I looked deep into his uncovered eyes. We stared at each other, lost. Until a wicked grin emerged on Scott's face, one that was followed with a show of strength as he flipped me over and pressed down on me.

I yelped with delight...

That was when time came to a halt, us trading soft caresses over more and more of each other's skin as it became uncovered. Cold air hitting my bare flesh along with his touches, our increasingly exposed state making me feel shy, yet excitedly alive. Everything within me growing like a tidal wave; such pleasure and ecstasy that I had never experienced before.

Soon enough my body knew instinctively what was too come.. I found my eyes shutting tightly as I waited..

But then Scott spoke, words heavy with desire and need.

"Open your eyes Marie. I need you to look at me."

I hesitated for a moment, drifting from everything that was happening. But then I did as he asked. Looking up at him over me, his greenish blue eyes that seemed to have a hue of red shading them; such love in their depths, such desire, and it was all for me...

His strong hands found mine, intertwining.

And then pain.

A strangled groan leaving my mouth. His mouth finding mine once more.

Whispers of love, promises made.

Every thought and feeling cascading until a dam burst deep inside of me. My body tired and sore. My husbands hand around my waist pulling me tightly against him, our bodies lightly covered in sweat...

_Satisfaction._

It was then that I knew I had a new obsession...

And for once it had nothing to do with food.


	61. Tuesday, April 24th 2012

**7:37 PM**

Scott and I got into our first big fight today. It _only_ took about six months. I still haven't accustomed myself with sharing my life and everything else with someone else, not to mention space.

Not that that is what started it all.

The seeds of contention came wrapped in a little package in the form of an anniversary gift.

But..

Since I haven't written in quite a while I want to talk a little about my new life.

It's been quite crazy. _Especially_ the physical part. I can't seem to get enough of Scott; all I think about is him; to the point that I get distracted, and freekin' grumpy when I hadn't had my "down time" with him. And what is actually surprising is that Scott seems to be the same. You should see us after we have been parted for a couple days, when one of us goes on a mission or what not.. we usually barely make it to our room.

And I am not even going to mention how many places around the mansion have gotten quite a different look to them now that me and Scott have um... well you know... there..

No I am _not_ blushing.

The _most_ embarrassing thing that has happened so far is what occurred about two months ago. Scott had been working on one of the jets; I went to take him lunch, only to find that that wasn't exactly what he had an appetite for. We had been so engrossed that when we heard footsteps approaching; Scott barely had time to get his pants on, I to get a shirt on, one which left me pretty uncovered, because it didn't really have that much fabric to it..

It was McCoy.

He came walking up the ramp, right away obvious to what he had almost walked in on.

Scott was able to speak somehow, he is always cool headed under pressure, what can I say? Even that trait is attractive.

"Can I do something for you Hank?"

Imagine me huddled behind Scott, like a very shy child being introduced to some of their parents friends... only half naked.

Hank had actually taken a couple steps back, looking amused yet equally embarrassed. He stood there his head half cocked, looking at our fearless leader while trying to ignore my very bare legs that were sticking past Scott's. I brought them in quickly, something that actually made the Doctor chuckle.

Finally he decided to say what he came down to the subbasement for.

"Yes, I was looking for a power drill.. I knew you would be the one to ask..." He coughed slightly as he backed up a little. "But I'll come back later."

Scott couldn't just let him leave.

"No that is ok.. I have one right over here.."

That was when I screeched rather loud and shrill, for Scott had actually started to walk away from me, which would have left me quite exposed. Doctor or not he had no need to see _that _much of me.

"Scott!"

He had the decency to stop.

"Perhaps you should just tell me where it is?" McCoy recommended, appearing more than ready to part from the little scenario he had trapped himself in.

Scott told him where it was, him rotating around slowly so that I was always behind.

Ok _now_ I _am_ blushing.

The Doctor found the stupid thing soon enough, and finally left, chuckling once more on his way down the ramp. Right away I pushed Scott from me. Grabbing the rest of my clothes off the cockpit floor.

"Scott y'didn't even _think_ to close and _lock_ the door?!" I bellowed, throwing all the blame on him, and feeling quite good about doing so.

He turned to me, watching me get dressed with obvious interest. Shrugging his shoulders.

"What can I say I was _occupied_."

He came toward me slowly, his rather lustful look increasing ten fold as he stopped me from buttoning up the rest of my shirt with his right hand.

"But I promise to _this_ time."

His other hand forming a fist, slamming against a button on the wall behind him. The ramp retracting inwards as the door slid shut, a click proceeding the action.

"I thought you wanted to upgrade the computer's navigation system before Storm left tonight!"

He smiled at me, slowly unbuttoning my shirt. His fingers grazing my skin. I shivered.

"It can wait."

I agreed with him soon enough.

* * *

So that part of our relationship is beyond and way past blindly staggering. I am working on the sharing part, and trying to spend more time with my friends. I am ashamed to say that they kinda faded into the background after our return.. speaking of that..

Bobby was gone when Scott and I came back; Kitty told me he had decided it was time to do some college tours. But then she grabbed onto my arm, pulling me through the hallway and around a corner where nobody was.

"To tell you the truth, he was quite affected by the announcement of you and Scott getting married.. Never seen someone turn so white before.."

I don't know if she thought that was going to make me feel better or what. The rational, totally logical part of my brain felt him feeling that was beyond a waste, and told me not to dwell on it. For after all, I have no regrets, and am quite happy how things turned out. In fact, in a way he helped me, his actions pushing me towards someone who I feel more and more blessed to have as a major part of my life.. every day.

Haven't heard from Bobby since, except through excerpts as someone talks about something they read from an e-mail he sent to them or phone calls they had gotten from him. I am sure college will be good for him, he can hopefully find someone who will appreciate him. I would like that for him...

Jubilee had the opportunity to hold a major grudge against me for sorta ignoring her for, well, about the first month of my marriage. But she was actually quite understanding. Our first time going out again after I returned, we did a little shopping and ending up at a cafe. I sorta apologized for my neglect on her. She just gave me one of her knowing smiles.

"Sex must be _fantastic._" She looked at me with those imploring eyes of hers, begging for details. For once I decided not to let her down.

"Incredible and mind numbin' is more like it!" I couldn't believe I said that, and with Jubilee's wide open mouth she hadn't been expecting it either.

We both started to laugh...

I started teaching Tai Chi again, and training even more with Lee. I felt a little rusty after being out of it for a couple months, so when Lee actually told me I seemed more focused, I couldn't help but be taken aback.

On a side note.. I had felt saddened that Gambit's staff had been destroyed; I had _really_ liked that thing. So when Scott made a surprise of one of them to me one day I was beyond thrilled. It wasn't exactly the same; in fact it was a little thinner and lighter, but it was also more maneuverable, and felt fluid with my movements, as if it was made just for me.. Of course Scott let me know later on that it actually was.

"Gambit isn't the only one capable of getting custom weapons."

In between lessons, Logan and I somehow got in the habit of doing danger room sessions together; him instructing me on different techniques, ones that were a little more brutal and debilitating. I saw when that started up Scott became increasingly defensive.

"What can he teach you that Lee or I can't?" Scott asked me one day during one of our sparring matches. Something that had increased in number after our marriage. Somehow I had managed to get three private teachers, _all_ I had to do was lose my powers.

After he asked me that, I made sure to have someone in the room with Logan and myself. Like I said I am still getting used to this marriage thing, and it didn't dawn on me how potentially inappropriate what I was doing until Scott asked me that question.

Logan noticed immediately.

"Afraid of being alone with me or something Marie?"

"Well Jubilee wanted t'train also." I told him, unable to look in his eyes.

"And the real answer behind that feeble excuse for one?"

I had been sitting on the bench, Logan standing in front of me, Jubilee stretching on the mat a little ways from us. She got up and started to come toward us, but Logan, suddenly turned; he must have given her _some_ look because she stopped in her tracks, backed up and went back to stretching, but not before offering me an interested look.

"Scott feel threatened by me or something?" Logan continued to probe rather harshly. Making me flinch.

"No!" I told him with force behind my words. "Y'don't want t'do this anymore just tell me!" I got off the bench, my hands on my hips, my anger flaring. Daring him to push me any further.

He narrowed his eyes, looking at me rather intently, as if he was trying to see inside of me. He seemed to give up.

"You want me to train firecracker as well... Fine!.." He huffed loudly." But don't blame me if she hurts herself or something."

"_Fine_!"

I could have told Logan, could have explained to him, but I didn't want to. Somehow saying something that had anything to do with the truth was just a little too much for me at the time..

Now to get back towards more of the present time..

So the Professor is still gone, and Scott has had _so _much on his plate lately; him watching over the school, teaching, fixing things and everything else.. Our time together, especially over the last month has become increasingly smaller.

Ororo has been a rather large help though, letting Scott have breaks in between. _Still_ doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes I almost wish that he never decided to take on all that responsibility again.. I have _barely_ seen him this week; we have only eaten together twice so far. But that is going to change. Even if we have to make some sort of schedule..

I have been assisting him with organizing things; something I have found I am quite good at.. files, activities.. just ask Mrs. Summers.. But still even while I am helping him, it isn't exactly quality time, not when he is busy with something himself... Not to say that we haven't had our moments together, they do pop up here and there, bound to. And I have found I am really good at distracting him.. Something I have realized more and more..

Coming into one of his classes, sitting on the back table as I waited for Scott to finish teaching for the day. My neck hurting, my hands going behind my head as I rubbed my skin, massaging it with my fingers. Closing my eyes as I listened to Scott's soothing voice, only to find that he wasn't speaking. A sentence he had been in the middle of ending incomplete and broken..

My eyes snapping open. Scott looking at me, drinking me in.. His gaze drifting slowly over me... One that was filled with sudden need.

"Mr Summers?" One of his student's spoke up, a soft inquiring girlish voice.

The moment breaking temporarily as Scott took in a deep breath. Turning to a young girl with soft blue hair and darkly tanned skin.

"Yes Samantha?" His voice was strained and low.

"You were going to tell us the main reason the Roman empire fell.. but you sorta.. just stopped.."

Scott spared me a rather impish look, before turning his attention back to his students.

"That's because you guys are going to figure that out yourselves, when you read chapters thirty through thirty three.." He closed the book he had been holding in his hands with a snap. Some loud groans in the room following after. "And for homework tonight I want you to write _at least_ a one page report of what you believe was the catalyst for the Roman's demise.. " Yet more groans, that were stifled with what Scott said next.

"And I am going to give you a head start; with class ending early today.."

"But we still have forty minutes left!" A hesitant voice said from the back of the room.

"You'll have even less if you keep arguing with me."

They got the idea soon enough, scrambling in an excited manner as they gathered up their things, leaving in a whirlwind of papers and remarks.

And then it was just Scott and I staring at each other over the expanse of the classroom. The distance closing between us until we were right in front of one other. Expectancy rising quickly and then crashing just as suddenly. One of his students returning, oblivious to what he had just interrupted as he started to ask questions pertaining to the just assigned homework.. Yet another hindrance...

The Professor better come back soon. But at least summer break is coming soon.

We manage going to church here and there, but we have had to watch more and more of it over the Internet, or on TV. Sometimes I force Jubilee to go with me, which is a rather arduous task; most of the time she won't even go with me unless I promise her a meal afterwards. One that must have desert... Thought of asking Kitty, but she is Jewish and probably wouldn't be thrilled with the idea.

Scott just has to free up more of his time!

It was yesterday after I had just finished my Tai Chi class, when I had noticed Scott behind all the students, hadn't even seen him there until everyone else cleared out. He had been leaning against a tree watching me for what looked like a while, and I hadn't even known.. That would have never happened when I had.. ok not digressing again!...

Anyway..

I walked over to him, planting a small kiss on his mouth.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What'cha doing here?"

His face brightened at my question.

"I had some free time.. " He leaned down and grabbed something on the other side of the tree, I saw it was a small wrapped box. He handed it out towards me. Scott is always buying and surprising me with stuff. Something I _really_ like.

"Happy six month anniversary Marie."

I took it from him, not expecting _that_. My mouth slightly parted. It was three days early.

"Scott?!"

He nodded toward the wrapped package.

"Go ahead open it."

So I did. I went from pleased, to completely confused when I saw what it held. A astoundingly beautiful emerald green necklace with matching earrings.

Here is the thing, while I had shared a lot with Scott; certain things about my past still hadn't been brought up, asked, or conversed about; oddly enough one of those things being about my birth date... Why I even started lying about it in the first place.. Although it was probably because it had a personal tie to a life that I was trying to forget about..

"How did y'know?"

He looked a little perplexed for a moment. So I added to my question.

"_Emerald_.. May.. How did you know I was _born_ in _May_?"

I knew there was many logical explanations; Scott was no fool, could have found it out some way.. although I had fudged that truth on many a legal document, something that had become a habit when I left home, one that stayed with me..

Why it had to be _that_ answer.

"I called your parents."

I nearly dropped the jewelry. Scott catching it rather deftly before it hit bottom.

"Marie?"

"You _DID_ _**WHAT**_!?"

"I called your parents." He repeated again, not fully understanding the weight behind what he was saying.

And that I am afraid to admit, is when I became absolutely and _completely_ livid.

You think I would have gotten this whole forgiveness thing down pat, especially with my faith preaching it so abundantly.. but bring up my parents and suddenly any sense of rationality went straight out of me. And mix them with the fact that my husband went behind my back and contacted them. and well.. believe me NOT A GOOD THING.

I raged for a good ten minutes.. not letting Scott get in a word, him unable to stop me. Somehow he finally got through to me. Probably helped that he took hold of me and shook me until I quieted somewhat.

"I called them.. but they didn't want to talk to me.." There was bitterness in his tone; a sudden glimmer of understanding in his voice of why I had been so upset. His voice softened. "but I finally was able to reach your Grandmother.."

I heard what he was saying, it went through into my conscious perception. And that was when I started to cry.

Out of frustration, out of relief or despair.

"Marie?" He tentatively tried to grab one of my hands, but I backed away from him.

"I.. I can't talk to you right now Scott... I just can't believe you did that without asking me how I felt first.."

He started to say something to that, but I found my legs were moving.. I had to get away from him..

I felt betrayed.

* * *

It only took a couple hours after that for me to calm down; of course when that happened I started to see things from his standing point, knowing I had more that overreacted, I had exploded. And suddenly lying there on our bed, in the silence of our room, I started to wonder about my Grandmother, maybe even my parents and what was said between them and Scott.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Marie.. "

I knew I was feeling better when I was able to smile at the fact that Scott was knocking on his own door.. to be let in... for I had locked it. I let him sweat for a minute or so. I couldn't help it, sometimes those evil little tendencies still shine through.

Finally I let him in, neither of us saying anything. Just trying to figure out how the other was feeling at the moment.

"I'm sorry."

We both said at practically the same time. Almost sounding like there had been an echo.

"I should have known that would upset you, I just was so focused on trying to surprise you with something special that I.."

"It's ok Scott, I understand why y'did it.."

"Does that mean you forgive me?"

I bit my lip, my head downcast.

"If y'forgive my little.. explosion.."

We slowly drifted into conversation; one that even led to being about my family. Scott and I resting on the bed with one another. Our hands entangled, bodies close. Seems my parents had moved away from Mississippi not long after I left.. And Scott hadn't really said much of anything to them, since they hung up on him the moment he said who he was. As for my Grandmother, he told me that she had actually been trying to find me... Although she had been rather reluctant talking to a stranger on the phone, yet Scott still managed to get her to converse; I guess telling her he was my husband didn't hurt, although how he managed to convince her of that fact.. is I guess another one of his gifts.. Anyway.. Seems she wants to see me.. well actually both of us..

"Did y'say we would?" I tensed up at that question, hoping he answered in the way I needed him to.

Scott spoke slowly, obvioulsy percieveing that how he answered was very important. Yet I could tell he was sure he did the right thing, at least in that instance.

"I told her I had to talk it over with you.."

I sighed with relief.

"I think I would like t'see her Scott.. "

"Then we will." There was a small pause on his part, as if he was deliberating something. "So you really _aren't_ mad at me anymore?"

"I told y'I wasn't."

So does that mean.." He pulled on me a little, whispering in my ear.

I couldn't help but laugh at what he suggested.

"At this rate you're going t'get bored of me before Christmas."

"Not likely." He said seriously before his tone drifted into near shyness. "Does that mean yes?"

I got up off the bed, standing and stretching slowly. One of my hands going towards Scott's leg, a finger drifting down the length of it.

"What do y'say we talk about that in the shower?"

Scott jumped off the bed, grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder.

"Now you're talking!"

I found I was laughing once more..

**2:29 AM**

I can't believe.. Last night.. I mean.. I think.. and Scott.. and..

I think my mutation is coming back.

It's weak, barely a low murmur of power inside of me.. and yet it's _there_. At first I thought it was my imagination, but then when I fell asleep I dreamt all right.. only they weren't my dreams, and weren't anything to do with my memories. They were Scott's.

So soon.

I didn't think.. I mean I thought.. but I didn't believe that.. _so soon_!

I am trembling right now, my eyes are fuzzy and typing this with Scott sleeping in our bed behind me, is... _hard_.

But you know what...

For once.. _just once_..

Of course my mind drifts to the temporary cure that McCoy made, but he was only able to make so much of it, and he wouldn't be able to get more of the original cure to make more of his watered down version, since it is illegal and ...

But maybe.. And..

No! My mutation is not going to control my life!

Nor the way I live..

And it still could be quite some time before it comes back into full swing.

I really need to pray... but it's hard.. and can you pray away something that is like an appendage? No? Then how about for some kind of control!? God?

I have to see Doctor McCoy...

But first Scott.. I need to wake up Scott.. for I can't get back into bed with him without .. without..

Yet there _is_ something that is keeping me from really panicking, knowledge that is more than just much needed comfort.

The fact that I don't have to face this alone...

Not anymore.

--AN:--

Well this is it. The end. Only took about 2 years of my life. Thank you to all of you loyal readers who stuck through this till it was complete.. I hope it was, well, enjoyable.. :) And maybe just a little different..

So _glad_ it is done.. That's what I get for having to write a plot with character exploration, to go with a romance, as I tried to give it a little more depth...

A part of me still can't believe it is over. :(

I sorta have a mind of a short follow up sequel, but I have other things I want to focus on writing for a while.. and not sure if I will ever do that, so no promises..

Well, maybe I will see some of you guys during future stories I write..


End file.
